The Good Shepherd

 “The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leds them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

John 10:3-4

Thankful for Each of You

 “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:8-11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It is about time I recognize so many.  I have a story to tell.  And God has directed me to writing.  I just have chosen not to write, nor tell my story because I have believed that my story isn’t worth sharing … and truthfully … who reads this blog?  

I read this passage tonight in several translations.  And as I read it, I could identify with the words.  I could easily say “…I was crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure COVID-pneumonia, and I thought I would never live through it.  In fact, I expected to die.  But as a result, I stopped relying on myself and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  And He rescued me and will continue to rescue me again.  I have placed my confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue me.  And YOU are helping me by praying for me.”

I have so much to say, but I will start there.  I endured Covid, and five days later I was in the ER being diagnosed with pneumonia , and the day after I was back at the ER because my oxygen level was so low, leading me in the ICU for 11 days, and then 5 days in the hospital until I could go home.  Now two months later, I am still in recovery.  I still have oxygen attached to me constantly, and unable to work.  I depend on those around me.  Healing is coming, but slower than anyone anticipated. 

My husband and I never got to say goodbye as they whisked me away to ICU and he couldn’t stay with me.  We were totally separated.  I was afraid because he has all the answers and he would always look after me.  But for the first time in our 29 years of marriage, I didn’t have him to depend on.  Duane could call the nurses and hear updates, but the doctors and the hospital would never contact him or return his calls.  I was incoherent with sickness and drugged with medication; so we both didn’t know what was going on or the outcome.  I was put on the maximum oxygen intake one can receive.  They tried putting a pressurized mask on me without any communication which didn’t turn out well … and I was just shy of going on the ventilator.  Life was uncertain for me. 

The first two days life was so uncertain - and I didn’t know if I would see Duane ever again.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to love on my girls and experience the life I have come accustomed to.  I was scared.  I needed Duane near me and pleaded to go home the very first day.  But with no strength, no ability to take in air and no wellness whatsoever going home was not going to happen.  

Rest never came because Duane wasn’t there.  Rest also never came because fear controlled my mind and heart - I didn’t know what they were giving me, and I didn’t know all these faces coming in and out of my room; the sounds and the constant interruptions of vitals being taken wouldn’t let me sleep either.  Duane had called at one point and it was reported to him that I am not resting nor eating.  Duane sent me a text encouraging me to eat and sleep.  But he didn’t understand that I needed him.  

Sometime in those two days I realized the people I have known are more likely going to be seen again when we all meet together in heaven.  It also didn’t help that my boss had texted and said “see you on the other side”.  I had no fight within.  And finally peace filled me, and filled my room.  I had Jesus with me and was ready to just hold his hand and go with him.  I knew I was ok.  However, (as hard as it is to explain) I was encouraged to take one last look at what I was leaving.  I only got as far as looking at my husband and knowing we were just getting ready to celebrate 29 years of marriage and had plans to celebrate 30 years in another year!  God created me as a person who enjoys numbers … and I have always been determined to see those 30 years, and I didn’t want to miss it.  All of a sudden a big celebration wasn’t what was desired … I just wanted to hold Duane’s hand - no dinner, no flowers, no getaway - just his hand.  And that is when things changed for me … my soul seemed to wake and start to fight.  I was determined to live once again. 

There are many stories I will share with you in those 11 days in ICU.  Psalm 30 was the scripture I focused in on day and night.  I didn’t rest until I created a playlist to sing over me and make sure that I was worshipping not only when I was awake but I wanted my soul to worship as I slept too.  My mind had to be focused on Him - not the lack of Duane’s presence or the fear that would creep in.  In spite of my stay being much longer than I had ever visualized, I knew I was going to be ok because God’s word and our praise for Him doesn’t come back void.  

But there was another reason I came through this life and death situation … it was because of each of you.  Your prayers saved my life.  Your prayers opened the doors for Jesus to come.  Your prayers brought peace not only to me and in my room, but for Duane too.  Your prayers brought me healing.  Your prayers not only helped me physically - but emotionally and spiritually too.  Your prayers were so powerful - and “God will continue to rescue” because of your faithfulness in prayer.  

So today I give God thanks once again for bringing me through this, and saving me.  But I give YOU thanks too!  Your faithfulness was so good to me.  

~Karen

Rock Bottom

Tonight I put my fingers back on the keyboard and search out my heart, and be as transparent as ever with an audience I don't know … and perhaps an audience that doesn't exist - but the One that I need to start writing to once again.    This is the second night that I just can't sleep … and thoughts continue to run through my mind.  Thoughts of where God has me, thoughts questioning me and challenging me, thoughts that are difficult to share. 

The phrase "rock bottom" comes to my mind.  And I searched as to the meaning of it.  It often is referred to those who have somesort of addiction and they hit their lowest point possible in life and can't get any lower than where they are at due to their illness.  Another definition refers to be in a hopeless or difficult situation which makes you feel very depressed.  

That is where I feel I'm at.  I have hit my rock bottom. 

What do people do when they hit their rock bottom?  The internet suggests: 

1. Let yourself feel.
2. Take the time to reflect.
3. Have faith.
4. Be self-compassionate.
5. Engage in creative outlet.
6. Spend time in nature.
7. Listen to music.
8. Try new things.

And that is where I am at - at least some of them, and am doing it naturally.  I'm finally allowing myself to feel and sort through.  I'm trying to stand on what faith I have and hopefully it will grow through all this.  And as I write to you I hear my "prayer playlist" playing in the background.  

What does all this mean?  What am I getting at? 

No I don't have an addiction.  

But I feel I have hit rock bottom.  Duane and I have been enduing more than our fair share in a short amount of time.  We have pressed through.  And we are surviving.  Which means we are making it through.  Because of the circumstances, we have shared some but unable to share it all.  Our world has made it so we can't.  So we don't.  And many have walked away because the weight of it all is so heavy and frankly it is easier to just walk awy from it all. 

But someone like me … who needs to talk and process things outloud makes it hard to heal - and even hear from God when no one is there to just be a soundboard. 

As we go through the trials we are in, it is all wrapped in a name …that of lonliness.  We have our connections.  But do we have someone to call and talk to?  Do we have someone to hang out with?  Do we have someone to explore with?  Do we have someone to try new things with?  Do we have someone who will hold us accountable and pray with us as we walk the intimacy of these trials?  Not really.  We have held this wrapping for so long … I'm actually done with it.

I have hit my rock bottom. 

The thing about being at your rock bottom is that no one can bring you out of it.  There is only one - and I know Who that is.  I'm thankful that I have never left You far enough that I have to find You.  Or maybe I have. 

I don't know where it started … maybe the stress, the unknowing, the helplessness I have had when my dad was placed in assistant care for his Parkinson's   I honestly have feelings built up in this area that has been shoved in … because well, I have heard it isn't about me.  So I focus on his illness.  I focus on how my mom is handling it all and do whatever I could do to help … always feeling it wasn't enough.  I have focused on my daughters as they haven't dealt with a loss so close - at least one they remember.  

When I would visit my dad, he would mention others and didn't seem to have the same fondness for me as I have for him.  My dad means so much to me … and yet, as he has deteriated over the past year and a half I question as to what I mean to him.  My confidence has waivered. 

His situation only worsened as the world was shut down to the pandemic and then wildfires relocated him - which caused him bed sores so bad, surgery was the only solution.  And yet as I held my breath as I wonder if we would see each other again, he fought through it all.  He has been quarantined twice due to being in contact with those with covid, and just recently with another disease that was running through the facility.  And everytime he remains unaffected physically.  Yet he questions why we don't visit, and thinks we have moved on without him, and wonders about the love that covers him from his family.  His love for his wife runs deep.  Deeper than I have ever experienced.  I am grateful to see, and honored for the foundation I was built upon.  Yet, my confidence of his love for me continues to waiver. 

My heart feels lost.  I don't know how to show or express my love to him.  I want him to know how much I adore him.  Now today his mind is away - and I don't know where I am in his picture.  And it scares me.  It hurts.  And causes a lonliness that can't even be described.  

My mom started having some accidental falls after she had her knee replacement.  Concern filled my heart and I have tried to take the responsibility a child should offer ones parents.  My job had it's own demands and made me not the "best daughter" in the world, but I tried to make that 2 hour drive at least once a week.  It was at the very end of April that I heard of a bad fall that caused her to break her arm and I ran right down when I heard.  I made sure she had food and had a game plan; and was willing to be part of that plan if needed.  And then it was just a week later that I hear that she has fallen again - knocking herself out when her head hit the piano, waking to a pool of blood.  Eighteen staples was needed.  

I'm still worried about my mom.  She is all I have when I think of my extended family.  And we have gone through so much.  I have thought about her living with us - but know we don't have the ability in our home, and to give her a safe place without stairs.  Sometimes I'm mad because I have to deal with this - because I don't see her as old enough to need this care.  But most of all I'm trying to be the best child I can be and care for her - and because of my circumstances I am not even doing that. 

Last year, Duane has endured some medical issues.  Something that remains unspoken - completely   Something that we both have had to walk together.  Something that isolates us even more and something that has been a trial in our marriage.  As I tried to drift off to sleep with him tonght I know that part of our hearts are not dealing with the situation.   Ignoring it seems to be the easiest thing.  But is only a time bomb ready to go off to create devestation.  But it has made me so insecure - because lets just face it; men and women are so different.  He thinks with his mind, and I think with my heart and we just don't fully grasp one another. 

And then me.  Nothing too major.  Two concussions - within a matter of five days.  Something you would think would be easy to get over.  Fear has gribbed me as Alzeimer's has been spoken into my life for my future.  The seriousness of how I can not have anymore accidents or falls has paralized me.  The doctor says to rest for two months.  I have lost all freedom of driving and even walking by myself.  I'm thankful that my husband has been there to hold onto and for his extended hand of protection .. but also hate depending on him.  The symptoms that haven't left is frustrating because it has been so long.  I feel I have judgment from those who doubt it all - I wish they could see the world tilted in my eyes.  I am nauseous frequently because of the unbalanced motion of the world.  My home is my safe place.  I just found that I don't have cancer in the brain - and the thought they were even looking for that!  I wait for the specialist for another 1 1/2 months.  Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments, vitamin B, a machine to get all the bad stuff out of my water, and rest fills my days.  I'm ready for normalcy.  

And tonight I reach out to you because I can't hide the emotions anymore.  I have hit the point so low that depression does greet me with welcome arms.  I long to just run.  I long to run away from California.  I long to run away from my church.  I long to run away from everything I know.  

I keep remembering that we know You are good.  Yet I think of all that I'm walking through and ask myself - Do I believe You are good  - even though you are gradually taking my dad?   Do I believe You are good - even though my mom continues to have falls and now is facing surgery?  Do I believe You are good  - even though I have been put in a silent room with an illness that hurts a husband and wife?  Do I believe You are good - even though the world is unbalanced through my eyes and not better yet?  Do I believe you are good in the isolation?

So tonight, as I reach my rock bottom, I searched to see if you have anything to say about the matter … 

    That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When the floods came, the water tried to wash the house away, but it could not shake it, because the house was built well. 

Luke 6:48

It has been around 34 years now that I have chosen you in my life.  I have built that foundation on a rock. The floods are coming, and doing everything to wash all that I have away.  But today I stand on You - my Rock and can stand in confidence the choice I made 34 years ago will get me through this these days and these trials.  I hate to say that my rock bottom, can even get more rockier … but I choose you to be the Rock that greets me in it all.  

The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Savior.  My God is my rock.  I can run to him for safety.  He is my shield ad my saving strength, my defender. 

Psalm 18:2

God, I confess to you I want to run.  I want to take things in my own hand.  Tonight you grab my attention as you won't let me sleep - and I reach out to you and see that I need to run to You - not away.  I've been grumbling about all that has hit us.  I'm thankful for the lives that you have put into mine.  I'm thankful that you have not isolated me.  I am thankful that my parents are with me and You have drawn my mom and I closer than we have ever been.  I am thankful that my husband and I are able to hold hands more than ever.  I am thankful that our love remains and how You have proven that the greatest is Love. I am thankful that when I opened this blog that as been neglacted for so long that an unposted message greeted me and refocused my direction.  I am thankful that through this time of waiting for "normalcy" I have the opportunity to seek you even more.  

So are You a Good God?

You have remained.  You are faithful.  You make ALL things good and use even the brokeness to your favor. You heal.  You redeem. 

You are Good! 

The Assignment

It was a simple question that the pastor's wife asked of us.  To just post a picture of us standing in our favorite part of our home or property, and post another in our least.  I could have sent any ol' picture but for whatever reason this question really got my mind pondering.

And thanksgiving over flowed in my heart.  After days of pondering I realized what a testimony this home is.   What I have experienced in this home, I haven't experienced in any other home we had … at least to the depth.

We have recently remodeled a couple of rooms: our bathroom and kitchen.  It would be natural to take a picture in those rooms.  The kitchen is where I experience creativity and passion and able to serve.  And as much as I experience the joy of kitchen … it's not my favorite.  The bathroom is the gratest transformation:  something truly horrible and ugly now so purposeful and beautiful.  Isn't that Jesus in our lives?  How He transforms us from our horrible selves into something beautiful.  That could be it … but no, it wasn't it.

Do I post a picture of our sitting room?  That could it.  It is a room where plants surround me, reminding me of life.  It is a place I come and meet with Jesus in my quiet time, and where my intimate conversations take place with those I hold dear.  That could be it.  But I still had hesitancy as I thought about all the other rooms.

The laundry room, even though, the frequent mess of dirt trampling through and the collection of shoes still brings me a pleasant feeling.  The dining room is full of fellowship, intimacy, laughter and conversations. A place where I can serve those I love.  That surely could be it.  The family room is where the girls play their instruments and worship.  It has turned into our santuary where we have church now and we gather to watch movies, play games and where my husband holds me or my hand.  That could be it too.  Or what about the stairwell where so many pictures greet me and remind me of the good memories I have had with so many people.  Or what about our room with its solitude and the intimacy, love and embrace only a husband and wife share.  And the fourth bedroom .. storing the fun of games, creativity of crafts and sewing and such, and a place I can work or rather daydream as I stare out the window.  Or do I stand in the only room we liked when we purchased our home .. .the downstairs bathroom, the room we still love and are thankful for because it drew us here.  Or what about the rabbit coop where I'm greeted with so many cute faces and the fun they are.  And the back porch where I can sit and relaxe and soak up the sun and enjoy the beauty of the flowers that surround me.

As I pondered,  I have been grateful of all that God has blessed us with.  I have experienced His blessings in each room and each room is filled with His goodness.  I have a tangible reminder of a good God and the overflowing of goodness He has provided me.

I couldn't help but remember the day we found this house.  We had transitioned back to California.  We were trying hard to make something new, because we were determined to not return to the life and area we had known.  We were going to live somewhere new, somewhere different.  The realestate business was hot, and we had put eleven offers in different homes … all of them going at least 100,000 over asking prices - something we couldn't even compete in.  Our temporary housing was about up and we were running out of hope.  One thing happened after another, and we saw our now home on Redfin.  It met all the criterias, but I just didn't like it.  We placed an offer on the home still but way less than the offer, believing the bank would never accept.  But God always wins .. and the keys were ours.

I had a disagreement with Duane right after watching church on Sunday.  And true to form I retreated to

the place that always welcomes me.  I took my tea and poindered.  I was upset with my behavior and frustrated with my husband.  But I went and sat and confessed my heart to God there.  I sat and looked around and saw the beauty around me and thanksgiving filled my heart.  I felt close to God once again.  I realized then and there where my favorite spot was - my front porch.  It is there no matter what I'm going through my heart always sores towards Him and thanksgiving fills my heart.  It is there I welcome those into our home, and send off my love when they go - and God does the same with each of us.  I watch the birds, and the bumble bees and rabbit - even though it eats my flowers.  It's not my favorite door, and the porch needs some touching up - but in spite of that, God is with me.

The least favorite place in our home was just as difficult because each room is so good because God is part of each of them.  It could be the girls room as there are many times it is hard to find the floor … but because of the lives that fill them, I'm even fond of those rooms.  But then I remembered a room that intensifies my fear of the dark because there is no electricity, and the spiders and mice have been easy to find.  But also a place where we have had kittens born in there .. the detached garage, carriage house, shed or whatever you want to call it.

So today thankful that God not only gives us a testimony in our lives but in our homes as well.  And I am thankful He chose us to live here.

My Perfect Counselor

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  

You guide me with your counsel,and afterward you will take me into glory."  

Psalm 73:23-24

I have endured life challenges and have a sensitive soul, so it won't surprise you when I mention that I seek counseling throughout my life.  My counselor has helped me so much and has helped free me from the torments I have put in my mind … and heart.  

Life continues to throw it's challenges and discouragement, and has a tendency to overwhelm me, and I had to make an appointment to seek my counselor once again  - making sure I'm thinking straight and to help me with balance in my life, and just a place I can unload.  I'm grateful for him.  And I'm grateful for the technology as I continue to use the same counselor who has walked with transitions and hardships in Colorado, as I move on with life in California. 

Counseling.  A safe place I can be true with what is going on.  A place I feel heard.  A place I seek wisdsom, advice and accountability.  A place I have someone on my side.  I place I can receive empathy and compassion in and unempathetic and uncompassionate world.  I don't like admiting I need counseling during those rough times, but once I go I enjoy going all the same and have a hard time letting go when it comes to an end. 

My God.  The ultimate Counselor.  The safe place where I can run to and where I can be true and feel heard.  The perfect source of wisdom, advice and accountability.  He is always there for me and on my side.  I not only receive empathy and compassion but wisdom and truth. My pride keeps my from admitting that I need counseling and perhaps the rough times come often so He can remind me how much I need Him.  

At the end of each counseling appointment come the payment.  I'm reminded that I'm seeking professional help, not the connection of a friendship that comes freely.  But as I prayed and recognized God this morning I not only have a friendship that has never walked away but He has paid the ultimate price for me.  He sent His son so I can come to him without any payment.  

Thank you God for your sacrafice.  And thank you God for being the perfect counselor. 

God's Sanctuary

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Luke 10:38 - 42 

God has put this familiar story on my heart the past couple of days.  Any guesses as to whether I'm a Martha or Mary? Family members can't be included in this question!  

I have noticed that since we have been a sheltered in place society and church has been online for the past couple of months that I still get ready for church.  What that means is I still get a little dressed up and I find myself serving the church.  You know in our church we serve some how in some way.  We have greeters, ushers, worshippers and the list goes on.  I have never found my exact place … but now that we are sheltered in place I have.  I find this odd. 

I just recently noticed what I have been doing.  If it isn't the night before, it is the hour right before I make sure the family room is ready to be our sanctuary.  I dust, vacuum, make sure the connecting bathroom is cleaned.  I felt God show me what I have been doing, and questioned my motives.  In my response it is my worship to him, and it draws me closer to Him.  It is my preparation for what is about to take place, and a sanctuary that others can feel welcomed and invited in.  It is a place of peace.  I know it is my worship because there is joy in the giving and my heart is already with Him as I worship through the songs that play in the back ground.

Since the above passage was nagging at me, I looked at it once more.  Martha has a bad name in this story…always has.  I have heard countless of times in my church journey "don't be a Martha".  Martha's heart might have turned in the wrong focus, but she is the one that opened the home and welcomed Jesus and his followers a place.  She is the one that welcomed Jesus in for Mary.  No one knew what was going to take place that day, but Martha was the one that allowed it to take place.

Martha's eyes shifted a bit and focused in all the details: the menu, the clean kitchen, the grocery shopping, the serving, the cleaning: dusting, vacuuming, and making sure everything was just so.  She focused on so much that she judged others for not seeing and doing as she was…when simply Jesus wants us to focus on Him and soak in His presence.  Her perfectionism and detailed mind claimed the tasks were more than Jesus, and turned her heart from welcoming to accusing. 

Does that mean since I can identify with Martha I'm not sitting before His feet?  Not today.  But there have been times I haven't.  But as I prepare and serve the church by getting the sanctuary ready it has become a place of preparation where I find myself already connecting with Jesus and it brings me so much peace and joy.  In this act of worship, it will also be a place where all will feel welcomed to come just as they are and sit before the Lord.  I will continue to prepare a place that I won't be distracted to the message that I need to hear.  But what I won't do is make it a task of demands, and get in an overwhelmed state because of the things that must be done, or make it something that I have to do.  I will continue to give to the Lord as He has created me to be, but won't demand others to do the same.  The girls will give to the church through their musical talents and Duane will continue to give with his wisdom, as he continues to lead this home. 

I know that Martha gets focused on the tasks and details and shifts her eyes off Jesus.  But in the beginning she invited Him in.  And Jesus has an open invitation this Sunday and the following to come into this home and reclaim this home as His sanctuary.  

So … life will eventually return back to normal.  What will that look like for me?  I don't know anymore.  Jesus will continue to have an invite into our home … and I will  have to find myself a place to serve where I can worship the Lord.   

My Prince of Peace

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rest."

Luke 2: 8-14

I hear this passage and I sense a calmness in the story.  Peace came to the shepherds.  I'm sure they were startled and perhaps even fearful of what they were seeing, what they were experiencing … but all in all peace surrounded them.  I sense a quietness and stillness also in the moment … as the moment stood still as they grasped what was being told to them.

This time of the year we hear the word "peace" quite often.  However … do we live in a moment of peace?  Drivers cutting in and making wrong decisions so they can get to where they are going and honking at you to get out of the way, shoppers getting cranky and downright rude as they feel the pressure of Christmas coming closer and they have still way too much to do, and just society becoming more focused on our own selves than who we are doing life with - peace is hard to find sometimes, and sometimes down right impossible.

I sit here with a knot in my stomach, one that just won't unwind.   I wrestle with my dad not only being put into an assistant living home, but how fast his disease is taking him.  I wrestle with the decisions ahead that I'm not really part of but hearing about - whether I agree or disagree isn't the issue, but the confusion and exclusion I'm dealing with.  I wrestle with my connection to other family members with all this and helping my daughters walk through this as well.  I wrestle a lot with what I'm dealing with at work.    I hear things, see things that just aren't right.  Confusion is part of my circumstances.  Being pulled in many different directions, being a support to those around me as well as being the one everyone wants to talk to - because "I'm a little easier".  And in the midst of all this we decide to do remodeling.

My stomach hurts.  The knot just doesn't want to loosen.

I know I need to sit with my God.  However, what do I say?  What do I open my Bible to?  What do I do?  After all, He knows everything and sees what I'm going through.  How do I release it?

Christmas we call out Peace.  But yet we don't experience peace.  Life is cruel and gets in the way.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For me yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

I don't have to have the answers, for Jesus is the answer.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow because He has it taken care of.  I don't have to figure out what is right and wrong because He is the truth and wins in the end.  I know this full well.

Jesus came.  And all He asks is for me to come to Him.

 don't have to have an agenda, or know where to open my Bible to, or even know what to say.  I just  to come.  He will take care of it all.

So today  come.  I ask all the emotions, turmoil and details I'm going through with my Dad He will handle.  I surrender the hurt, anger, and confusion for His peace.  I come.  I surrender.  And I receive His peace He has to offer.

I chose to walk away from the troubles of this world, and just come to Him and sit.  I receive His peace.

I chose to walk away from my job today and let Him be the center.

I chose Peace.  I chose Him.  And I receive the Peace that entered this world years ago is entering me today.

Simply come.  Simply receive.

In All Circumstances I Will Give Thanks

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.  Live in peace with each other.  And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.  

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt.  Test everything.  Hold on to the good.  Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming o the Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:28

It was a week ago, as the administrator,  I discovered salary compared to my fellow workers.  Anger came with it.  I felt cheated, used and a big slap in my face.  Face it, my heart for my company, and my role is being taken for granted.  I even had thoughts of reverse discrimination on my heart and lips … as I know the comments that have been made in the past that revealed my boss's heart, and the circumstances my fellow workers face compared to my blessings.  I will confess bitterness, ungratefulness and ugliness filled my being.  And I was ready to give my notice.

It was all justified.

In the midst of this anguish, I have dealt with Duane's job and it's lack of leadership and how it's affecting my husband and his demeanor at home.  The shock of my peace and hope being robbed from me when I heard how after my dad's return home things aren't as they seem and now needs a permanent care facility.  Still finding my fit and purpose at my church and always question if I'm good enough.  And the continued battle of entitled customers who want to fight, intimidate and threaten - all over chicken.

It's been a very hard week.

I've been angry, bitter, hurt, and beaten this week.  Yet we turned the page of the calendar today. And we are now in the month of thanksgiving.  And I can't help but remember "give thanks in all circumstances".  I am reminded too I can change my circumstances with thanksgiving not just over my lips, but in my heart as we arre called.

I'm leading a Bible study about Gideon.  Priscilla Shirer reminds us "God designed your key specifically to fit the lock He has in mind for you.  He uses your weaknesses, the areas and places where you feel the least strong, to open a divine door".  God uses our weaknesses to show how strong He is, and a reminder of WHO He is.

Life is hard.  Life isn't fair.  But this season of Thanksgiving, may in mark a start of a heart of gratitude not for a month but for a lifetime.  And may I see my God in the midst of my circumstances and see not only what I have to be thankful for, but who I have to be thankful to.

I may have "reasons" to quit.  I may have an ungrateful employer.  But like the disciples in the boat, focusing on the storm that they were in the midst of instead of Jesus who was with them I too can shift my eyes off the circumstances and see the God I have to hold onto.  With Him I can find my peace, trust and comfort. I can see my weaknesses - my lack of education, my lack of experience, my financial mistakes, my bad behavior and anger towards everyone this week …. and see I have a God who provides enough, a God who remains faithful and protects, and a God strong enough to carry me through the storms, and will justify all that comes against me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds in these circumstances … but I do know if I shift my eyes I will have the highest regard because I continue to be a hard worker.  I am to be patient with those around me, hold onto good, be joyful always, be thankful continually.  And I am able to do these things if I shift my eyes toward Him and off the circumstances.  I'm God's vessel … those who come against me, are coming against the God who takes residence within me.  And as his word says:  "He is faithful and will do it".

I'm thankful for a job I enjoy.  I am thankful I have a setting that I can change someones day around.  I am thankful I am able to use my spiritual gifts, and even though I don't "preach" to those around me, most see the Jesus within me and treat me with respect.  I am thankful others feel comforted, encouraged, loved and appreciated by me and find me to be a safe place to come to to share their hearts and let me pray over them (even though they don't know that's what I do).  But more importantly I am thankful to a God who sees, who loves, forgives and will use a weak person like me with crappy circumstances and do something even greater to show how perfect and great He is.

God's Uncontainable Love

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

I went to see me mom and dad today.  And I took the long way home, because I just needed to see what I knew was going to be a glimpse of the ocean as the sun was setting fast.  I don't remember seeing much but knew it was there just the same. 

I longed to touch the sand, even if the beaches were technically closed and the unknown was out there.  Fear and time kept me away.  I longed to touch the water's edge, but obedience and responsibility won out.   I felt I missed what my heart was longing for.  And wonder how much I do the same with the One who created me and the moments I am in.

On the whole journey home, I kept thinking about God's love for me and my love for Him.  I know my God is constantly present but how many times am I missing Him because I let responsibilities, obedience to the world and fear and time demands dictate my time with Him.

I can't help but see how vast the ocean is - I knew that no matter how far I looked, even if I had the best technology I would never see land on the other side of the ocean.  I also knew that the ocean would continue up the coast farther than the highway would allow.  I couldn't help but think of the verse written above, and wonder if I could just grasp a bit of God's love for me. 

I'm not going to get into the detail … but bottom line, I feel unloved - more so, unworthy of love; yet I know full well I am.  But I'm an emotional being - a feeler and long to feel over know the truth of love.   And because I struggle with feeling loved by those who know me, I can't help but struggle with God's love for me.  I know it is true.  I know He loves me … but if I could just feel it over the knowing. 

I visualized my 5'6" body in the center of the ocean water, picturing the miles and miles from my body to the ocean floor.  I saw the waves crashing over me, drenching me - almost drowning me.  I saw God's love doing the same.  I also saw me splashing out of glee of the water around me and splashing the water back up to the heavens … yet, with all my might the water splash couldn't reach.  God sees the attempts of my love for him, but He wins … His love totally out does. 

I continued my journey home.  The road was quite dark except for the occasional headlights that would come and go.  Yet even in the darkness I knew the ocean was west of me.  I could see the glow for a while, and then eventually that faded.  When I rolled the window down, I could smell the salt air, and I could feel the ocean breeze.  When I sit in His presence I am reminded that as I go through the motions I may not feel His presence, or even doubt He is with me … but if I sit and look I can see His light around me, I can take deep breathes of Him all around and feel His movement.  But I have to make the effort to pursue so I can experience.

The highway that was once parallel with the ocean took its turns and curves and even took me up some steeper terrain.  Yet no matter how many turns of the roads I took, no matter how high up in altitude I went, I knew I just had to turn my head to the west and the ocean was there.  This journey of life, with all its turns and curves, and challenges and depth of despair … God is still there, I just have to turn my head and see.  

There is one part of the drive that has trees that remind me of those in Snow White, where they grab her and long to scare her.  I admit my heart races, and I pray my truck doesn't break down at that point of the drive.  But I am also reminded just like the ocean remains near, so does God as I face those scary and overwhelming times in life.  

Eventually my ocean side highway came to an end, and I had to journey inland.  Yet in order to make it home I had to use a bridge to cross over the bay waters (an extension of the ocean I once saw).  And when I drove on that bridge and looked all around me and saw nothing but water - it was then I smiled and was a bit giddy as I was reminded how God's love still surrounds me.  I saw that even the ocean couldn't be contained and overflowed inland, throughout the bay up the creeks and rivers.  I was experiencing then how His love overflows for me.  

I was just miles from home, where the familiarity was amongst me, the knowing what lies ahead, the smells I know so well, the expectations, everything I fully know - but too - even the grumpiness, unkindness, and the quickness of anger of those around me - all of which I have also come to know and accept.  I was in the midst of what I knew that I had almost forgotten the journey I had been on.  I took the time to remember.  And as I journey on with the demands of life and the clock and those around me that offer encouragement and some not so much I can remember, see and even experience the greatness of God's uncontainable love.  I'm reminded that I am not only loved, but find joy and peace within.  

I am hoping that I can return back to the ocean's edge this weekend with the ones I hold dear … as God's love isn't just for me, there is an overabundance for all!  

S-t-r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t-c-h!

That's the word today in my study.  To be stretched.  To make yourself available to God, and to simply say yes.  It is also something that hurts when doing but make
s room for strength and conditioning.  It's a good thing.

The challenging question for me is … where is God stretching me?  I feel like for the first time in a long time, I'm at a place that I'm getting comfortable in.  So why am I not being stretched?  Or am I?  Or greater … uh oh …. am I about to be?

It's not a secret that I am adopted.  I have talked about how emotionally and spiritually impactful that was for me a few times.  It's also not a secret that we have pursued adoption a few times, only to have them fail.  I have worked through all the emotional scaring and impact these have had on me.  I believe I am over it.

Yet, why are these things coming up in my life again?

I don't know.  I am also confident in saying that I have no desire to pursue anymore or have any layers left to work through with my story.  I'm done.  I'm in a good place.  Yet …

I have seen in my previous post of how I was able to connect with someone at a deeper level, reach someone no one else was able to reach.  Today I was able to share with another of how we have something more in common, which has connected us more.  What is God doing with my story?

Today in my study I am reminded of how guarded I am at church.  I have been deeply hurt by "the church" a couple times in my life.  I have been thrown down and trampled.  I have received judgment instead of compassion and love.  Fingers have been pointed and I have been shunned.  And just writing these words, I see Jesus carrying his cross and being treated the same.

Why are we so hard on one another?  Why do we allow our hurts to hurt others … or in my case, keep a wall up and guard myself.  Because we are all broken.   And just like broken glass, some pieces can be a little more sharper than others.

I have forgiven those who have offended me.  I've worked past that.  But can I allow the walls to come down and allow others to come into my life at a deeper level?  Can I take a risk with a possibility of backs to be turned my way?  Can I risk those getting to know the intimate side of me and use it against me?

One of my favorite shows was Fixer Upper.  Chip would make it clear that his favorite day was "demo day".  In order to make room for the vision, the newness, the open floor plan, and organized beauty he had to tear down and demolish the walls.  He had to get rid of the old to make room for the new.  The house couldn't grow and accomplish what was to come if the old was still there.

Karen's Demo Day … it's how I'm being stretched.  I have to demolish the walls that are holding the vision God has for me, the newness and open floor plan God has created in me.  I have to get rid of the old to make room for the new and destroy those walls.

The question is this … who is swinging their sledgehammer with me?