Embrace The Moments

"You don't know what you are asking,"

Mark 10:38a

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'"

Luke 23:34a

I have mentioned to you the place I have been in … loneliness I am now calling friend, which brings depression and sadness at times.  However, today I have seen the life around me … the housework that is begging for me to embrace and the little "to do"s that are on my list.  

I haven't had much motivation.  However, I have learned to embrace the season I am in.  But today I really embracing it.  

We live downtown in a city … BART is walkable, the grocery store is down the street and we are just a 10 minute walk to the center of town where the Farmer's market comes each week, the smells of many restaurants grab our attention, we can catch the newest release at the local theater, and shopping is at our fingertips.  We are a hop, skip and a jump from the on ramp to the freeway.  Life and it's busyness is all around us.    And yet … our little corner of the world seems to be a little country … critters and eggs to gather, a white fence and a gravel driveway, a little land to develop and a Ford truck.  It seems God has intertwined the country girl in me in the midst of city life.  And it works!

I have been searching for a job.  And I'm at that stage of life, I don't just want a job .. but something I can make a difference in, something I can have passion for and something I can believe in.  So looking for something just doesn't come easy … after all, God has always brought all of my jobs to me.  So yesterday, I let it go into God's hands and I have now embraced peace.

But today …. I haven't done much.  But what I have done is been reachable to the daughter who is trying to make her own decisions and share her frustrations.  A new little "critter" has come to stay .. and I was able to teach him how to explore his mansion we built for him.  My cat has been exceptionally social with me today .. giving, protective and loving, as if to say how thankful she is that I'm just around.  Creations have been started for my husband's birthday.  I'm home much more, so I am able to let the chickens out of their pen and spoil them with conversation and snacks and in return they have been very generous with their egg laying.  My husband may not walk in to a home cook meal, but he does walk in to a home full of peace.  I have labeled my not getting things done as laziness … but I just now have seen them as embracing my moments and the life I am in.  

I pondered the above verses in my head.  I know they are out of context … however, for me, it goes to show that God knows more than I.  I think I want a job, then He shows me to wait, be still, and embrace the moments I am in.  Now I think I don't want a job.  It is fair to make the observation "I don't know what I am asking" … because I don't know what to ask.  However, I do know I want to be in His will.  

I am thankful that Jesus, in his final breath asked for forgiveness for this very season I am in … of not knowing what I am doing.  Because Lord knows, I have been so angry, so condemning, so lost that I needed every ounce of forgiveness I could receive.  

So I will wait.  I will embrace.  I will enjoy the critters that surround me.  I will be thankful for the joy they bring, and see that God has allowed me to be me in the midst of it all.  And I will embrace the season I am in. 

Loneliness is not my friend … Embrace is.  And through embrace I have found peace and comfort.  

God I am thankful for You, and how You have been speaking to my heart!

The Last Grains of Sand in the Hour Glass

We had to write our goals for the coming year at work; both business and personal.  (I think I should add blogging, I love to write and get my thoughts cleared on "paper"!)  I wrote my list, then I'd add to it, so I'd reprint it one more time. 

I'm anticipating so much this year.  It is funny once those goals are written down, it becomes more of a reality, something to work toward.  I'm sure that it was the company's ploy as they will see much improvement in their employees, as well as improvement in their store.  But it has changed how I manage my time.

I confess I can be a workaholic.  There is something always that needs to be done, and I have this mind set there, as well as home, that "I'm the only person who'll do it".  And with that mindset I spend a lot of time at the store, even more than the time sheet says.  Don't get me wrong.  The other thing I battle is frankly I love my job and its atmosphere.  I love the guests and building relationships.  They encourage me as much as I try to encourage them.  That love will pull me back in as well.

But when I look at my goal list, I see at the very top of the list is:  Not to miss an opportunity to embrace a moment with my girls. 

Katie has 1 1/2 years left in high school, and how she turns 18 this year, and Courtney has 2 1/2 years and turns 16 years old.  I see the hour glass with just a few grains of sand in it.  My time is running out with them. 

I have learned through Lindsay how being an "adult" looks like.  Real responsibilities come.  Time is of the essence.  We compete with boys, school, friends and work.  Home is viewed as something that will always be there, but not something to be part of as much.  We rejoice in her accomplishments from afar and remain on our knees for the challenges that are ahead for her.  She walks this path without her parents holding her hands, and we hope we said all the right words to her in the earlier years to help her through.  She does her thing, as we do ours.    

Pretty soon, Katie will be there.

Then Courtney.

Then life is completely different from the one I have dreamt of, and that is so much apart of who I am.  It is scary to think of life being different.  It brings me so much sorrow as I think of life being so drastically different.  I have been looking at pictures of when our family was young a lot, and wishing I could turn back and hold them more.  I look back wishing I put the chore I was so focused on getting done, and hold or play with my girls one more time.   

We get several emails a day from colleges wanting Katie.  There seems to be a power that rises in me when I hit that delete button, and something inside of me says "No!  You can't have her yet!". 

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I dreamt of the babies to hold, and little ones to care for.  I didn't think of the difficulties of the teenage years, but planned for the years ahead just the same. 

I think of how many times I fell down on bended knee praying for God to give me wisdom and give me the right words to say to help teach them.  Or the strength to get through temper tantrums.  I wondered if they would ever be out of diapers.  I prayed for my girls as they journeyed through school and discovered challenges along the way.  I pleaded to draw them back to me when they journeyed onto independence.  And I will continue to repeat those same prayers as they each go onto their next adventure - even though the giggles won't be heard on the other side of these walls.  Space will separate us.  But my love will be all over them - even though I won't be near to hold them.

And in all this dread of the years ahead, and the sting of sorrow, I choose to be thankful. 

I'm thankful to you God, for the years in the past.  I'm thankful for giving me the dream to be a mom, and fulfilling that dream.  I'm thankful for the list of goals we had to do, so I can turn away from my job more and turn toward these girls before they are off to their next adventure.  I'm thankful that you have given me strength when needed, and thankful you'll continue to give me strength in the years to come.  And I'm thankful that you hold me more and more each day, as I let go of these girls one by one.  I welcome your embrace.

So yes, I have turned away from my job little by little, and embrace those moments of hearing about their days as they come home from school, playing games in spite of the hour or day it is and I will crawl in their rooms at night, as they sleep and hold them a little while longer.