The Missing Puzzle Piece

My daughter loves puzzles.  Ha!  So do the cats!  Thus the reason she can't get her big 9000 peice puzzle out, or the cats will have ever piece under the couches, chewed on or just all over the place.  Sometimes we end of with one piece of a puzzle in another's box … or I'll just find a loose piece that got missed getting in the box.

I feel like that missing puzzle piece.  I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.

Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate.  I never felt old until this winter.  I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain.  Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed.  I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days.  And then this year with all the illness' that are going around.  First I got bronchitis and then the flew.  I'm still not 100% better.  

Finances are a bit out of control in our household.  We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding.  We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017.  Normal stuff … nothing unusual.  I mean other family's have it much worse.  But I like things just so, and they aren't.

Our marriage is like everyone else.  Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house.  We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs.  But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another.  We are strangers.  I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again.  It's a normal thing … normal.  Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't.  I really love my husband and think the world of him.  I need him now more than ever.  I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him.  And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world.  Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.

My faith.  I have it.  I'm not hearing a lot from God latley.  I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk.  But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear.  I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have.  I don't know.  I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me.  Perhaps I need to repent again.  However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.  

I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder.  But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave.  I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away.  Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.  

When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California.  I missed my friends and the friendliness of California.  Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church.  I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs.  And I would remember how to meet his.  I also know now California's relationships have come to a close.  My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.  

On top of it all.  I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship".  He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties.  I don't think you can get much slower.  He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times.  I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers.  Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call.  I hold my breath each time the phone rings.  And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world.  I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out.  Yet … I already feel rejected.  Again.  I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more.    Abandonement.  It brings so much baggage.  Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life.  Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again.  I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.

And home.  My house is a mess and I know how to fix that!  Yet I don't.  Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick.  Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father.  But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life.  I should be honored, but I'm not.  I want to be looked at as more. 

My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been.  Life sucks sometimes and right now it does.  I feel lost.  Alone.  Forgotten.

I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.  

I'm waiting.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And even though life sucks right now … I will pray - again.  I will rejoice for everything is good.  And I will give thanks.

My Life, My Love, My Joy - My Husband

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." 
Genesis 1:31

 
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."

Psalm 34:8

 

 

I'm reminded how much God created and saw what He made was good.  I'm reminded as we walk this journey of adoption, through the tiredness and struggles that I can, should and will turn and see what God created is ALL good.  In the midst of all this, I have not only seen but have experienced and tasted something extremely good. 

 

Duane.

 

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-" 

Ephesians 5:28-29

 

I have always loved Duane, no doubt about it.  The love I have for Duane has grown over the last twenty years.  But I have discovered more than love over the last couple of months.  I have discovered a true admiration.  I have remained quiet as I watch. 

 

I have seen a man who has come alongside his wife and wipe her tears, laugh with me, and hear my anger and let it roll of his back.  I have been frustrated when the same crime has been committed by the same child, and patience was worn too thin - Duane was there, and took over the situation.  I have been hurt when the kids have thought their behaviors don't affect anyone, but have greatly wounded me - Duane has stepped in to protect.

I have seen a man that has committed his time with God.  I see him in his Bible and experience his hand on me as he prays over the family and me. I have watched him set a boundary and get filled as he attends his men's group at church. 

And now we have a new son.  A son that has never had a father.  A son that will listen to directions by his father, and put off the same directions when given by his mother.  A son that has a different way of thinking...one that I have no experience with.  A son that doesn't make the best choices.  A son that has exhausted us - more mentally than anything else.  But I have watched my husband, as I watch our son.  When I've been in tears, he's wiped them, heard them and stepped in to make things right.  He has remained the leader.

I have seen a husband come in from work, not complaining of the state of the house, nor that dinner is take-out (once again). 

I have seen a husband who has chipped in and helped with the household chores that used to be more manageable for me to handle, but instead of complaining he remains thankful I'm there in the midst of the chaos.

I have watched what I see a pillar of strength.  Yet I know where his strength comes from, or rather who is his source. 

Today I have a new thanksgiving in my heart.  I'm thankful for God giving me such a man.  But most of all, I'm thankful for being able to experience God in such a tangible way.  Duane doesn't realize how much I grow closer to God because of how Duane treats me.  He doesn't realize how much more I can see how much God loves me because of how Duane demonstrates that love.

What can I give such a man?  What can I do to return my appreciation of the man I share life with?  I pray, as I do each and every day.  I pray for him to the One who is the source of his strength, and the source of our love.

My Heavenly Father,

 

First, thank you for the husband you have given me, the one that makes me one with you.  Thank you for the good that you made in him, and thank you for making him very good.  Thank you for the love that sparked so many years ago, and that burns with passion today.  And thank you for allowing me to experience you and see you in the man that is made after your own heart.

 

Father God, I know that Duane is only strong because you are his strength.  I know you are the source of his patience, his kindness and giving heart.  I'm thankful that you have given him that desire to seek you for those attributes, and how he has learned to lean on you each and every day.  I'm thankful you continue to grow him, and that the good that you created him in is flourishing today.  I see you are good, because I see Duane is good.   

 

Father God, I also see the trials he is in.  I see the heartache at work.  I see the pressures of fathering a growing family.  I see the heartache of letting his precious girls go.  I see how the world is using him, and abusing him.  I see his tiredness and despair.  But more importantly you see it.  You see how each element tugs at his heart.  And today I see a tree, bending over with all the demands hanging from the branches.  And I shake it.  And I ask that you shake it completely, allowing his branches to raise up to you once again.  I ask that all the demands that weigh him down, let loose and bring my husband the freedom and passion he has in you once again. 

 

Today Lord, I give you my husband.  Your word remains true.  You remain faithful.  You remain good.  You know the plans you have declared for Duane, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.  And Duane will call upon you and come and pray to you.  He will listen to you, as he has done so many times.  And when he seeks you with all his heart, you will be found.  Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your promises.  And thank you for making everything good. 

Today I rest in you, as I give you my husband, and thank you for making him the man you called him to be and allowing him to be part of my life.



An Unsuspecting Gift!

It was just about two weeks ago we found out Duane has been asked to travel to Puerto Rico for business.  This is actually a huge honor for him. He, along with about a dozen others (worldwide), have been asked to come and take this calss.  He was the only one asked from Colorado.  He is honored and excited to take the class, but he never enjoys the time away from his family.

I wasn't excited about the timing of this trip, as he left today.  However, I am excited for him.

My cup seems so dry these days.  There seems to be a huge burden on me, one I can't seem to escape from.  I feel all used up with nothing left to give.  It seems I have someone constantly next to me, all the time.  I even experience guilt (which is not of God) as I long for just one moment of peace and quiet.  My quiet times have been removed from my schedule and replaced with more things to do.  My plate is full ... and I feel so empty.

Duane saw the place I have been in.  He wanted to give to me, nurture me and replenish everything that has been taken from me. 

He booked me a ticket and I leave on Friday to join him in Puerto Rico!  I get to have a full weekend with my husband, of uninterupted time with just him!  And then five full week days of solitude with only my Father to reconnect and draw close.

Duane and I are very excited!

17 Years

I guess it is hard to pick out your favorite day in a year. Christmas is good for it is a reminder of Christ's birth, our salvation was brought into this world. Easter is good for it is a reminder of the sacrifice God made so he can have a relationship with us, and a reminder of the love He holds for each one of us. Thanksgiving is good for not only the great feast, but a day where we set aside and give continued thanks. Each of the girls birthdays are good for it is a reminder for me the joy that entered this world...but I think I would have to pick today is my favorite. For 17 years ago, my best-friend and love of my life picked me and said his "I do"s and I shared my love for him. And it is this day I am reminded of the love God has for me.

I look back 17 years ago, and thought I truly loved this man. But the love I hold for him today can't hold a candle to the love I have for him today.

I look back and see all that God has done in his life. How he has rescued him, and worked in him, and built himself up in Duane to be the leader of this family, and has brought wisdom in this household, and compassion, love and understanding in our marriage. I am so thankful.

I never have or will regret the decision of marrying Duane Archibald. He is the love of my life. He is one who seeks God, and pours our God's love upon me. I have struggled with understanding the depth of love God has for me. But I believe with all my heart that God has given me Duane so he can be a tangible lesson in front of me to see that if Duane can love me through the my ugliness...than God can love me that much more.

Duane, I love you with all I am. I love you because God pours His love into me to give to you too. I love you because of the man you are, and the man you are trying to become through Christ. I love you because you have always been faithful and true, and never have left me. I am so proud of you, and even more proud to call me "your wife". I look back and am amazed how fast the past 17 years have been, and I look forward to spend each day with you in the years to come. I love you, my dearheart! Happy Anniversary!

~Your Love