Thankful for Each of You

 “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:8-11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It is about time I recognize so many.  I have a story to tell.  And God has directed me to writing.  I just have chosen not to write, nor tell my story because I have believed that my story isn’t worth sharing … and truthfully … who reads this blog?  

I read this passage tonight in several translations.  And as I read it, I could identify with the words.  I could easily say “…I was crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure COVID-pneumonia, and I thought I would never live through it.  In fact, I expected to die.  But as a result, I stopped relying on myself and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  And He rescued me and will continue to rescue me again.  I have placed my confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue me.  And YOU are helping me by praying for me.”

I have so much to say, but I will start there.  I endured Covid, and five days later I was in the ER being diagnosed with pneumonia , and the day after I was back at the ER because my oxygen level was so low, leading me in the ICU for 11 days, and then 5 days in the hospital until I could go home.  Now two months later, I am still in recovery.  I still have oxygen attached to me constantly, and unable to work.  I depend on those around me.  Healing is coming, but slower than anyone anticipated. 

My husband and I never got to say goodbye as they whisked me away to ICU and he couldn’t stay with me.  We were totally separated.  I was afraid because he has all the answers and he would always look after me.  But for the first time in our 29 years of marriage, I didn’t have him to depend on.  Duane could call the nurses and hear updates, but the doctors and the hospital would never contact him or return his calls.  I was incoherent with sickness and drugged with medication; so we both didn’t know what was going on or the outcome.  I was put on the maximum oxygen intake one can receive.  They tried putting a pressurized mask on me without any communication which didn’t turn out well … and I was just shy of going on the ventilator.  Life was uncertain for me. 

The first two days life was so uncertain - and I didn’t know if I would see Duane ever again.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to love on my girls and experience the life I have come accustomed to.  I was scared.  I needed Duane near me and pleaded to go home the very first day.  But with no strength, no ability to take in air and no wellness whatsoever going home was not going to happen.  

Rest never came because Duane wasn’t there.  Rest also never came because fear controlled my mind and heart - I didn’t know what they were giving me, and I didn’t know all these faces coming in and out of my room; the sounds and the constant interruptions of vitals being taken wouldn’t let me sleep either.  Duane had called at one point and it was reported to him that I am not resting nor eating.  Duane sent me a text encouraging me to eat and sleep.  But he didn’t understand that I needed him.  

Sometime in those two days I realized the people I have known are more likely going to be seen again when we all meet together in heaven.  It also didn’t help that my boss had texted and said “see you on the other side”.  I had no fight within.  And finally peace filled me, and filled my room.  I had Jesus with me and was ready to just hold his hand and go with him.  I knew I was ok.  However, (as hard as it is to explain) I was encouraged to take one last look at what I was leaving.  I only got as far as looking at my husband and knowing we were just getting ready to celebrate 29 years of marriage and had plans to celebrate 30 years in another year!  God created me as a person who enjoys numbers … and I have always been determined to see those 30 years, and I didn’t want to miss it.  All of a sudden a big celebration wasn’t what was desired … I just wanted to hold Duane’s hand - no dinner, no flowers, no getaway - just his hand.  And that is when things changed for me … my soul seemed to wake and start to fight.  I was determined to live once again. 

There are many stories I will share with you in those 11 days in ICU.  Psalm 30 was the scripture I focused in on day and night.  I didn’t rest until I created a playlist to sing over me and make sure that I was worshipping not only when I was awake but I wanted my soul to worship as I slept too.  My mind had to be focused on Him - not the lack of Duane’s presence or the fear that would creep in.  In spite of my stay being much longer than I had ever visualized, I knew I was going to be ok because God’s word and our praise for Him doesn’t come back void.  

But there was another reason I came through this life and death situation … it was because of each of you.  Your prayers saved my life.  Your prayers opened the doors for Jesus to come.  Your prayers brought peace not only to me and in my room, but for Duane too.  Your prayers brought me healing.  Your prayers not only helped me physically - but emotionally and spiritually too.  Your prayers were so powerful - and “God will continue to rescue” because of your faithfulness in prayer.  

So today I give God thanks once again for bringing me through this, and saving me.  But I give YOU thanks too!  Your faithfulness was so good to me.  

~Karen

Jonah … Or Rather … Karen

I have been laying low this week.  I have noticed that a bitterness that has taken over my soul, and am wise enough to know that I shouldn't be around people and affect them with my negativeness.  And I also know full well that there is only One who can remove such bitterness.  So this week I have been seeking.

My youngest came to me.  She is struggling with a reoccurring area in her life.  As she shared, I was able to discern that there was some lie she has bought into that she needs to shake off.  I was able to discern because I was dealing with the same thing … different lie, but a lie.

Today I felt a tug to enjoy a good story … Jonah.  I have always prided myself that I would go wherever God would have me go.  I'm a woman of obedience, but am I?

God sent Jonah.  He didn't want to go and ran.  But even in his disobedience those around him came to recognize how great God is and gave to Him.  God sent a giant fish to swallow Jonah and it was in the belly of the whale that Jonah knew there was only one who could save - and God did.  Jonah went to Nineveh, and spoke over the city.  Countless lives were changed as they turned from their evil ways and God had compassion on them.  Jonah became angry because he knew what kind of a God he served and that the people didn't deserve such graciousness and love. Jonah went off to sulk.  God provided a vine, which made Jonah happy and then God provided a worm to destroy it.  Jonah was so miserable from the heat and wind that he just wanted to die, and God reminded Jonah of who He was.

God sent me from Colorado to California a little over three years ago.  I didn't want to go, but I didn't run from it - at least physically.  I obeyed - physically, but emotionally I wasn't going to forgive God for tearing our family apart.  I resented Him.  And for the last three years I have been in the belly of the whale … misery from bills, a dysfunctional house, unrest in relationships, health issues
and lack of peace.  I have finally recognized fully of the God that saves, and that can save me and this week God has spit me out …. in Concord, California.  I can't say that countless lives have been changed because of where I have spoken over them, but I can say that I have developed countless relationships that have come out of the crevices of places these past couple of days.  God has compassion on them, and I have the privilege of not only having these people in my lives but I get to pray over them too.  God had compassion on them, as He has for me.  I still have held onto that seed of bitterness and have sulked that God didn't quite understand the fullness of how He affected me.  He provided a home that I have become accustomed to, and see so much potential in.  And it was less than 24 hours ago, I questioned if we would still have it, as we were uncertain of Duane's employment once again.  And it was in the conversation I had with my daughter, I am reminded of the God I have, and that He sees way more than I.

Oh Jonah … Oh Karen!


I read something yesterday; "interesting fact:  people over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter".  Now first let me let the world know … I'm not 50 yet!  However, the warning is just the same.  I remember my grandfather.  He loved me.  Yet, to be honest with my readers …. he was grumpy.  He always had reason to be grumpy.  He had an opinion about everything and judgment just the same.  He had a the brow of anger, and the tone in his voice just the same.  He lost his dislike for bitterness and it turned into a grumpy and a grouchy mess.  And unfortunately he'll have that remembrance.  I was heading toward the same direction.  But was wise enough to see there was a taste I didn't want to get accustomed to …. and I sought the truth.

I have believed a lie that "I get what I deserve".  So with that lie, comes the thought … I deserve to be away from my babies.  I deserve to have a broken family with miles apart.  I deserve this disruption in my life.  I deserve my lack of identity … because of another lie "I'm not good enough".  I never realized until yesterday the depth of these lies and their hold on me.  But enough is enough.  God has allowed me to recognize and today I am set free.

It wasn't about the move to California.  It wasn't about the goodness that God has displayed on me.  It wasn't even about the lies that kept me bound.  It was about me obeying God full heartily and full heartily trusting Him.  Not just trusting Him with my babies, but trusting Him that He saw something more.  Trusting Him that He will plant me and for me to be ready for whatever is to come my way.  Trusting Him with ALL that I am and ALL that I have.  Trusting Him with my identity.  It was about God breaking me free.

So today I sit in the solitude of our home, letting those things that are nagging attention to just wait.  I hear the promises, truth and prayers of the music surround me and let it carry my spirit.  And today I am ready to be unlike Jonah and just go full heartily.  I expect the best because I have a God that wants the best for me and those that surround me and have my heartstrings.  I serve a God who sets me free … and will set you free as well.

Joy To The World The Lord Has Come!

The last couple of weeks we have had a bit of a scare in our home.  We have had moments of peace, sometimes even a full day ... but somewhere fear would creep in, and tears followed.  We have been waiting medical tests to know whether or not I had a tumor or not.  Like I said, the waiting hasn't been easy.  I audibly heard God's voice on the exam table, saying "I will get you through this".  I didn't hold onto His promise, but instead allowed fear to come in as I didn't know what "this" was.

This morning I was reminded of a similar story.  Please bare with me.  In the beginning of Jesus' story, we are told of another ... the conception and birth of John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus.  Zechariah was encountered by Gabriel, the angel who told him of the coming of a son.  Zechariah questioned the promise which resulted in silence until John was to be circumcised.  Months of solitude - not being able to voice his say in matters, not being able to voice his insight with his fellow serving priests, not being able to voice the intimate secrets a husband says to his wife, not being able to voice his feelings and wisdom and even blessing on the birth of his son.  

Mary too was visited by Gabriel.  Her promise was even more obscure than Zechariah's .. as she was a virgin.  Mary questioned too.  Yet a gentle answer and explanation was her response. 

Do you see the difference?  Mary saw Gabriel and believed what was said.  Zechariah saw Gabriel, and doubted the words off his lips.  Mary's song glorified the Lord and speaks of How great God is, her surrender to His calling , she was even thankful to be part of His plan.  Zechariah, even after serving in the temple, being a Godly man he was and believing God full well, didn't give God praise and recognition until AFTER John's birth and AFTER his time of solitude.

So as I have been waiting, today I questioned and wondered.  Did I recognize the Greatness of my God?  Did I glorify the Lord in song?  Did I surrender to His calling?  Was I even thankful?  I would love to tell you yes ... but honestly, there were moments and days I have been more like Zachariah than Mary. 

I am so thankful God works with us, and knows us better than we know ourselves.  He teaches us through life's moments and shows us His word brought to life.  I have the hearts desire to be more like Mary ... but bottom line, Zechariah and Mary both recognized God and brought Him honor in their own time.  I want to be more like the person He called me to be, and rise up to His plan and recognize how Great our God is in spite of the circumstances!

I can't help but hear the glorious words to the song "Joy to the world ... OUR LORD HAS COME" and that is why we rejoice this time of year.  Yet I rejoice throughout the year as our God Almighty came to earth in form of a precious baby knowing He was going to be rejected and crucified...so we may have eternal life with Him!  Knowing He is the same God today that He was when scriptures were written, brings me much peace and reassurance.  As I see He was a God who walked the streets, walked through the journey we call "life", with all the questions and pressures we have, but HE had ALL the answers!  Today that same God lives, continuing to bring us peace and reassurance.  He fights for us and holds our hands even before we need holding.  He wipes our tears and rejoices with us.  He is a good God and remains good to this day.  He continues to have all the answers.  Through Him and because of Him we are all set free!

And today we celebrate as He set our family free from worry and questioning ... everything was benign!  Thank you Jesus!  

Letting Go

Letting Go.  Action words.  And two words that can be so hard to do.  Two words that can take on different meanings to so many people.  And two words God has been asking me to do latly.

Sometimes we don't see the gloom or the heaviness we are under until we are able to get out from under it and see behind us.  And I believe that is where we are at.

Many of you have been following our adoption journey.  You have lifted us faithfully in prayer and have rooted us on.  You have literally kept us on our feet when we couldn't stand anymore.  For all you have done ... thank you!

We saw some dates quickly approaching ( renewing of immigration fingerprints, home study renewal and immigration paperwork renewal) - all coming due, and with a hefty cost for each of them.  The cry of our hearts is to be faithful to our Faithful One.  Seeing these dates, and having the desire of our heart brought conflict and fear within me.  It has drained me and has brought a differenet kind of tiredness I have never experienced before.

I questioned God:  why me?, what must I do to received a break through?, and what have I done to receive this punishment?.  I am thankful God is big enough for these tough questions.  With these questions I was left with pain and hurt.  And a pain I knew too only God could heal.

Images of the vision I had that started this journey came to mind.  Reminders of clear answers to prayers came to mind.  And with all these reminders and with all my emotions I confess I don't understand it all.  And I guess that is where this has started.  I have recognized my mind can't even fathom Gods'.  His ways aren't always mine, no matter how much I try.  He is much greater!

Bottom line is God was literallly going to provide us the finances or we were going to have to "let go" (as He has been telling me).  Finances didn't come in.  My fingers started loosening from this grip I have had on this journey...but still didn't want to let go...not yet.

I explained to God I have so many people watching us.  I have so many people praying and supporting us and that many more doubting and even cursing our journey.  I wanted to show them He triumphed over all this.  Pride was getting in my way.  I didn't want to let any of you down.  My focus was filtered along the way.  I must live for God ... no anyone else!  Recongnizing this pride loosened more of my already loosened fingers. 

Even though my mind was hearing and recognizing this hard place I was in with God, I couldn't allow my heart to experience the pain with it all.  My heart already hurt, and I didn't want to feel anymore of what I already have.  I was afraid of the pain - for I knew it was going to be so great that I might not even be able to ever breathe again.

I believe nothing is left to chance.  God knows who or what will cross our paths, and allows those things to come our way.  And makes everything good.

I am facebook friends with someone in Liberia.  Someone who is pretty close to the adoption situation there.  Someone who calls me "Sister Karen".   Someone who stands in Christ and yet is so very much a part of his country.  I was talking to him about ideas of how to better his country, and it was through this conversation adoption came up.  It was then crystal clear - adoption wasn't going to be moving anytime soon - if at all.  Corruption is ruling this country.  Also the minds of every Liberian person was going to have to change.  Simply, I can't do it.  Only God can.

With all the strength I had left I lifted my opened hands and let go of Elijah and Ruth into Gods'.  We weren't going to renew any paperwork, unless God clearly said to.  When Elijah and Ruth are able to come home it is then we'll reinstate our paperwork.  But now we let them go.

With feet still dragging I emailed our agency and told them our situation.  Surprisingly, they supported us 100% and offered us so much kindness, support and understanding.  There was peace.

My heart still remained broken.  The pain has been overwhelming.  I still questioned and longed for understanding.  Today with the strength and humiliation I had left, I sought counsel from our pastor.  My heart was grieving and I was lost.  Words that were said confirmed convictions I have experienced in the past and stirred something in my soul.  It isn't until later I will see the fruit of that stirring.  Questions I was asking God were dealt with and healing began in that office.

But today that is where we stand - fully surrendered to the Only One we rest in.  I have let go of something I have passionatly held onto with a very firm grip and given it to the One who is able.  I can't say I understand this journey we have been on.  But I also rest that I don't have to.  I also can't say that my heart has stopped hurting - but it's still beating.  But I do seek comfort by my Healer and I'll continue to walk this journey with Him. 

This adoption is all His.  Elijah and Ruth are His.  And so am I.

Convicted

Loveland (the town a half hour up the interstate and where our church is) has been in the news latly.  You may have heard.  Actually, it was the Loveland Art Museum specifically that has been in the news.


To make a long story short, there was a piece of artwork most would see as pornographic and the man in the picture resembled Jesus.  Supposedly.  However as our pastor said "It wasn't my Jesus.".  I know who Jesus is...and I agree.  It wasn't my Jesus. 


Anyway, a woman drove down from Montana - offended of the piece of art and destroyed it.


To see/hear more of the story from our pastor perspective I will have links at the bottom of the page.  But be warned...you WILL experience what God's love is all about and it may just change your life, as it did mine!


I was moved to tears as I heard how to respond in love.  Our pastor acted in obedience to God's word.  It got me looking at my life, and if there was anyone I needed to give love to.


This is my prayer.

Oh God, the other night at church I experienced the love you have for all of your children, and even saw how you call us to love one another.  I was truly overwhelmed.  Your love is so overwhelming.  And yet, we are called to give this overwhelming love away, not just hold onto it.  So with that I will do what you have called me to do. 

So I come to you this morning, I come to you thinking more about Elijah and Ruthie.  But today I am thinking beyond the love for these kids.  I am thinking of the Liberian government - their president, Geebro, Lydia and our US embassy person; Steve Harper, to be precise. 

I confess you you I have judged them.  I have wanted them to be removed as they continue to stand in the way of me and my children.  I have hated them.  I have not loved them as you have called me to.  I have seen them as evil, cold-hearted, not a follower of you, corrupt, selfish and uncaring.  I have put my love for my kids over them.  I have never given them a chance to be heard.  I have cut them off and believed that my way was the truth and was the only way to be seen.  It was the best scenario for our situation.  I also haven't allowed your love to rule over this situation, as I have never known you the way I know you today.  I confess I never saw your love as enough.  I am so sorry for condemning you - and your children.  I am sorry I have put you in a box.  I'm truly sorry.  And I'm sorry I have allowed it to harden my heart - the heart you created to be used by You.

Today it stops!

I know you are getting ready to do great things with Elijah and Ruth, but today I take my eyes of what I want and on your people - who are your heart.

I pray for your blessings to shower upon the Liberian president, upon Geebro, Lydia and Steve Harper.  I pray they too will see you more today as I have.  I pray that they will be blessed beyond measure and will simply just know you.  I pray for protection over them and their families.  I pray they won't be hungry as you continue to provide for their every need.  I pray their hearts are heard and peace fills their lives.  I pray they experience joy and a full knowing and experience that they are so loved my you.  May they see your hand upon them.  I pray they too will celebrate the salvation they have or can have through you.  Thank you for their lives.  Thank you that you can use them and allow Your goodness to shine through them all.

I will continue to faithfully pray for these people.  Thank you for changing my heart and allowing your love to shine through.  I give you praise through this healing.  Amen!!!

To hear our pastor's response to the artist watch the sermon found on these links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7qmbf5kgB0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_N4-c6Kg2k&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7qmbf5kgB0&feature=related

The Old is Gone - Today I am Made New

I can't sleep tonight because today was such an awesome day.  It was one of those days I had least expected ... a matter of fact, it didn't go according to my plan what so ever (otherwise I wouldn't have worn white).

I love going to church.  It isn't because of the act of going, but rather because I love to come and see what exactly God has either to confirm to me, or teach me.  Last night I went to church and heard something I have been wrestling with for a long, long time and frankly didn't like it at all.  It was "Jesus, the face of God".

I can't say that I really know how it begun.  Some could say when my birth-father left, others otherwise.  But all I can say is that somewhere along the line I have picked up so much shame and guilt, that I can not look anyone straight in the eye for very long.  (This has even been an issue in our marriage.)  You see, I know I mess up so much, and I know I hurt so many, especially the ones I love.  Doing so, I know I hurt God.  I'm ashamed for it.  Even though God doesn't rank one sin larger than another, I do and consider mine and carry shame.  But through all my journey I just never considered God looking into my face with much admiration, but instead with shame.  So somewhere along the line, I stopped looking. 

I have seen God's feet, felt His hands, embraced by even His hug ... but never have dared to look into His face.  I couldn't bear His shame.  Not looking kept me safe.

So I wrestled with everything our pastor said.  I struggled so much, that I even gave up.  I decided that I would never be able to be closer than I am right now to God.  Shame separated us. 

I have carried so much shame and thoughts of God's disgust on me,  that I believed I was the reason Elijah and Ruthie weren't here.  I wasn't a good enough mom for the three I have, let alone for two that aren't biologically mine.  I wasn't good enough at so many things that God probably thought best if they just didn't come home.  The weight I was carrying was killing me.

Duane and Katie went to church this morning because they went to hike a 14er yesterday.  Duane asked me if I wanted to go with them to church again this morning when I returned home from church last night.  Normally I would love to go, but I knew I couldn't lift my face toward God or believe God could lovingly look at me so I declined.  I woke this morning with the same amount of shame and guilt I went to bed with last night.  I also knew that if I wanted to have any time with Duane, I had to go to church with him this morning.  My plans for the day couldn't happen until Katie was back home.  So I went. 

I wanted to praise as I usually do, and ignore what I knew was coming.  But our pastor decided to switch things up a bit.  He believed God wanted the worship to be a response to God's message.  I sat.  I remembered.  I remembered all the disappointments that caused so many people to turn their eyes away from me.  I remembered all the people who have disappointed me.  But still, deep inside I longed to look into my Father's eyes and His into mine. 

During worship, I extended my two hands to remove any shame and guilt I was carrying, so I could release it and at least try and get closer to God.  And then I heard it.  The pastor mentioned "that we are washed away from the guilt and shame, that we could come into His presence..."  That is all it took.  I knew what God was calling me to.  I knew what I was to do.

I was out of my seat.  I went to a pastor, I explained and asked. 

Before long, I was sitting in the baptismal before hundreds of people and confessing I am ready for the old self of shame and guilt, and the orphan spirit I have held onto to be washed away because I want to see the face of God.  The pastor reminded me that as God's daughter I was adopted into His family.  Adopted - chosen.  Then it was done.  I was baptized, and all this junk was left in the water.  Today God made me new.

Today for the first time - I can look into my Father's eyes and see Him looking back at me.

So tonight I'm not sleeping because I keep looking at the face of God and I marvel.  I don't want to close my eyes for I've missed His face for so long.  Tonight when I did attempt to close my eyes and sleep I heard the word "safe" loud and clear.  Starting today I am now safe with my Father, I am exposed and vulnerable.  Today I am safe in the face of God ... Jesus. 

I encourage you to listen to the message by going to the following link ... http://www.rez.org/flvplayer/ .  (The message should be up in the next day or two.)

Freely you have received, freely give.

There are times God lays things on my heart.  I love to give; whether it being gifts, words of encouragement or even just time.  However, the financial strain we have been has allowed Satan to come in and plant lies that I don't get to be part of God, because we can't afford it.

All I have to say is "HA!!!" as I have stomped on that devil's lie!!!

God has taken me on an adventure the past few weeks, and has shown me that the giving He has laid in my heart is from Him and has shown me exactly how to do it.

He gave me water to give a "cardboard traveler" in the hundred degree heat.

He gave me promptings to give financially to the missionaries, and a promise He will take care of the rest.

He gave me a heart to start serving at our church in a few different areas.

He continues to allow us to provide for the children we sponsor each month, and we get the joy of sharing our lives with them as we hear about their lives in another country.

He has given me relationships to pour into.

And for the past few months he has put two things on my heart, perhaps because it hits so closely to home.  One of the things I have been doing once every month - that is donating platelets at Children's Hospital for the children their who are going through chemo.  I get an opportunity during the two hour ordeal to pray over those platelets that leave my arm and get ready for someone else.  That God will lift their burden and free them from their illness, that peace will flow through their veins and they will know the presence of God. 

Today, I get to finally do that last thing He laid on my heart ....

donate my heart to Locks of Love!!!

Today I pray that once my hair is used for a hairpiece for someone who is battling a disease that is robbing them of their confidence and such that once the hair is placed on their head...God will use it and heal them, lift all financial strain and pour life into theirs. 

God is good and has allowed me to be blessed in the all the giving.  I pray for this adventure to continue.

Don't miss out, search God and find what He lays on your heart.  Through Him He can do great things!!!

For those of you who would like to know more about giving platelets or donating your hair, please see the attached links, and please share your testimony!

http://www.locksoflove.org/donate.html
http://www.thechildrenshospital.org/give/blood/apheresis.aspx

 

No man should come before the Lord without a gift.  Each of you must bring a gift that will show how much the Lord your God has blessed you.

Deuteronomy 16:16b-17

Are you ready?

Ask, and God will give to you.  Search, and you will find.  Knock, and the door will open for you.  Yes, everyone who asks will receive.  Everyone who searches will find.  And everyone who knocks will  have the door opened.  Matthew 7:7-8

I sat with God this morning.  My favorite place to be, and my favorite way to start my day.  I did have second thoughts before I headed to my "God" chair, for I had so much to do today.  But I knew I needed Him before any of the things I had to do.  It is only Him that can help me get through those things to do today.

I shared with you that I gave up facebook for 40 days, only turn on the computer between 12pm-5pm (mountain time), don't check emails from my phone unless I'm expecting something specific and I'm away from the computer, we don't turn on the TV unless to watch a show we are all into or a movie, and then off it goes.  I only have a week left until the 40 day mark will come to an end.  As I approached this fast, it was because I wanted to hear God so much clearer than I had.  I didn't want to hear all the "voices" I meet on facebook, emails, TV, etc.  I only wanted Him.  So as this fast comes to an end I can only say one thing... I sought, and He answered!

As I approached this fast, I expected to experience God ... but never did I think I would experience Him as much, nor as life changing as I have!  I am so thankful it was on our high-school pastors heart to challenge the kids and that I accepted this challenge, for this fast was just that - life-changing.  So even though these 40 days are almost over, I don't want to go back!  And I don't think I will.  Sure I may look on facebook now and then.  But I enjoy writing on the blog more than posting my status on facebook.  The hours will remain the same for when the computer will be on.  TV will also remain the same and as well as my phone access.  Because to tell you the truth - it's not these things I desire, but Him alone!

Not only have I heard and experienced the voice of God.  But He has done something I never could quite understand ... He has increased my faith.  My boast is in Him alone, and my love for Him just bursts within me!

So now I pass on this challenge for you ... are you ready?  What technology, lifestyle or even food is controlling you and taking you away from the voice of God?  Are you ready?  Give it up for 40 days, and seek Him.  I promise you, you will find Him!

Psalm 103 (Karen's version)

My whole being, all that I am -flesh, mind and spirit praise the Lord.  All that I am praise His holy name.
My whole being, everything you made me to be will praise the Lord and never forget all the kindness you have shown me over and over again.
You have forgiven all my sins and continue to do so.
You have healed me from thoughts of suicide, foot problems twice, gluten sensitivity and other things so numerous to mention.  You have healed Courtney from her stomach issues, Katie from headaches and neck issues related to her concussion and have also ended all her nose bleeds.  You are showing yourself to Lindsay and will heal her from her plantar warts on her feet.  You are a God who heals, because of the abounding love you have for us.
You have saved my life over and lover again, saving me from the enemy and you have filled me to overflowing of your love and mercy.
You have poured good things in my life, where I have found your protection guarding me and your peace all around me.  Your joy brings a spring in my step, making me young.  You are the wind beneath my wings and I soar with you like an eagle.

Lord, you continue to show your mercy and kindness over and over again.  You aren't quick to become angry for your love for your people is so great.
Oh God, I deserve even death for the sins I have done - through action, thoughts, and words I have spoken.  Yet, you have never repaid me for these things, as it would be justified by man.  You not once, have taken one smidgen of love from me because of my crimes.
Your love remains, and is so great the whole earth can't contain it.  Your love continues to shine through to all who respect you.
It is through your love you have removed my sins - as far as the east is to the west, and the west is to the east.  My sins are no more!
Your mercy remains on your children who love and respect you.
You remember how you created each one of us, how you knit us together each to the specifications you have designed.  You remember and you love us.

Oh God, your love remains upon all who love and respect you.  My heart is full of love for you, for it is You that has first loved me.
Your goodness will continue through the generations to come and because you always remain faithful!

Everything you, Lord God have made praise your name!  May the birds sing their love songs to you, the grass rustle it's praise to you.  May the sun, moon and stars shine for your glory alone.  May even the rocks stand in awe of you!  For you God, deserve all the praise!  May my whole being - flesh, emotions, thoughts and spirit sing all praise to you - the One most high and highly to deserve!

 

What if?

Out of no where, our family has been hit. I don't want to give any recognition in the thief who came to steal and destroy, but rather confess where I have been.

• I have a way of seeing what is in front of me as truth.
• I still struggle with making a connection in Colorado. It seems to be an ongoing struggle. I have met many people, but still long to have a relationship where I can call to go out for a cup of coffee or go shopping with, or better yet - they call me. I allowed jealousy and envy come into our marriage, because of it. I even let confusion come into our family as to where our place of worship should even be. Connection...everyone longs for it, to have identity and be recognized.
• In a matter of a few hours, I was facing some health issues in a routine exam and the health of our youngest was resurfacing once again, which brought on doubt in the decisions we made when she was just three. I even questioned my mothering.
• At that same doctor's visit I was all of a sudden dealing with things I have already dealt with (spiritually) and thought it was all over. I was reminded of my lack of identity and condemned because of it. I was labeled over and over, never seeing one of them coming.

After seeking some prayer, and casting off the enemy's lies, I have come to praise the God I have. Through prayer and praising I am restored. Today I heard two words - what if. I didn't quite understand these words until I stewed over them a while longer as I continued to seek God.

What if ... I saw things beyond what is in front of me, if I saw things through the One who is able?

What if ... I didn't focus on connection, but rather trusted God who moved us here and rested in that?

What if ... I am allowed to experience the loss of connection, the lack of conversation, the fellowship with a friend so I may experience the heart of Gods'?

What if ... I wasn't jealous of Duane's connections and lifestyle, and yet was thankful He has blessed my husband so, and made Duane more connected to his family, and a stronger spirtual leader in our home because of this relocation?

What if ... I wasn't so quick to look elsewhere for connection but stayed where I was and allowed God to connect with me?

What if ... I remained in the peace God gave us many years ago as our daughter was given the right doctors and surgeons and through the decisions we made?

What if ... I sought the Healer who ultimately healed our daughter, and rested in the knowing He could heal her and me again?

What if ... I allowed God to come in and remind me that I am His, and that is my identity?

As I pondered these "what ifs", I found the answer to the question I have been searching for - I would be in the place God wants us all to be in - a place with Him, and a place of praise!

Today I will continue to praise God for He is faithful and true. I praise Him for His provisions and protection. I praise Him for His heart to be a forever best-friend in my life, who is interested in me, caring, compassionate and always ready for a conversation. I praise God for His creation in Duane and our family, and how I can see Him doing good things in each of us. I praise God that He can fix all things, provide all things so I don't have to! I praise God for He can be seen each day. I praise God who heals because of the abundance of love He has for each of us. I praise God for my salvation and His acceptance that I am His. He is worthy of ALL my praise!

Now, if you excuse me... I am going to run to have a cup of hot chocolate and some long awaited conversation with my best-friend!

Thankful for a visit that brought healing....

I can't believe it has been over a month since I posted last! So much has been going on, and there is so much to share. Our life remains full of school activities, church and just plain life. Juggling the five of our schedules is a full time job in itself.

Since I posted, I celebrated my mile-stone birthday...one I'm still in denial about, but was surprised when I awoke and felt "normal" as any other day! It was an amazing thing! Our family kept my celebration quiet and simple. As I opened my cards from the girls, tears began flowing for they each recognized my role in their spiritual walk. I hadn't a clue that I was able to help them in ways I hadn't realized, but felt God's hand upon me as I read each note. Duane's gift took me by surprise. Duane realized how much I have missed my friend, he has observed that when we do get a chance to talk, we talk for 1 1/2 hrs or until the battery dies...which ever comes first. He knows the heart we share. He knows how hard it was to leave California leaving her behind. He also knows that the grief we both share over the loss of her daughter not only has been heavy in our hearts, but also another thing that has kept us apart. So his gift for me was great...sending her out to visit. What I don't think he knew was how much healing was going to take place in four days.

Janette, my friend came to visit. We had the ultimate sleepover for four nights...hardly any sleep, so much talking, some eating and much more talking...tears and laughter were shared. I anticipated her visit to be one of healing, and now I am so thankful we had that time. This was our first visit that it would only be the three of us...Janette, me and Lindsay; it had always been the four of us...Janette, me, Rachel and Lindsay. Since Rachel has left to be with our Maker she took so much of our hearts and we simply miss her so much. But our friends here in Colorado, just haven't been able to comprehend our loss. You see they think they have seen all of me and Lindsay, but in reality they hadn't because Janette and Rachel are so much apart of who we are, that they haven't seen the complete picture. We were finally able to reminisce, to tell stories, and just simply let our hearts go. Rachel came back alive as we continued to reminisce, and though we shared so many tears, healing came as each tear flowed.

One of the memories we share with Janette and Rachel is hosting the children from the Children of the World Choir when the school would bring them in for a concert each year. It was Rachel's desire and inspiration that drove her family to host some children in her home, welcoming them into their lives and sharing not only her home but her heart. This is one of the ways she demonstrated Matthew 28: 19-20; going out into the world and shared Christ by being the child of God she was. So in memory of Rachel we brought the Watoto Children's Choir to Resurrection Christian School. No one knew why we did what we did, but we knew having a choir there would bring healing to Lindsay, to me and would very much please Rachel. We hoped that the school would enjoy it as well...and to our amazement they did. So please enjoy this snippet of our gift to Rachel...

And true to form we had the privilege to host six Ugandans in our home. We celebrated their culture as we shared ours, and became family as God is the Father of us all. We also celebrated Katie's birthday that evening. What a memory it was for her too!

He is the healer of the broken hearted, our comforter and encourager ... it is He why we are so thankful.