The Good Shepherd

 “The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leds them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

John 10:3-4

My Prince of Peace

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rest."

Luke 2: 8-14

I hear this passage and I sense a calmness in the story.  Peace came to the shepherds.  I'm sure they were startled and perhaps even fearful of what they were seeing, what they were experiencing … but all in all peace surrounded them.  I sense a quietness and stillness also in the moment … as the moment stood still as they grasped what was being told to them.

This time of the year we hear the word "peace" quite often.  However … do we live in a moment of peace?  Drivers cutting in and making wrong decisions so they can get to where they are going and honking at you to get out of the way, shoppers getting cranky and downright rude as they feel the pressure of Christmas coming closer and they have still way too much to do, and just society becoming more focused on our own selves than who we are doing life with - peace is hard to find sometimes, and sometimes down right impossible.

I sit here with a knot in my stomach, one that just won't unwind.   I wrestle with my dad not only being put into an assistant living home, but how fast his disease is taking him.  I wrestle with the decisions ahead that I'm not really part of but hearing about - whether I agree or disagree isn't the issue, but the confusion and exclusion I'm dealing with.  I wrestle with my connection to other family members with all this and helping my daughters walk through this as well.  I wrestle a lot with what I'm dealing with at work.    I hear things, see things that just aren't right.  Confusion is part of my circumstances.  Being pulled in many different directions, being a support to those around me as well as being the one everyone wants to talk to - because "I'm a little easier".  And in the midst of all this we decide to do remodeling.

My stomach hurts.  The knot just doesn't want to loosen.

I know I need to sit with my God.  However, what do I say?  What do I open my Bible to?  What do I do?  After all, He knows everything and sees what I'm going through.  How do I release it?

Christmas we call out Peace.  But yet we don't experience peace.  Life is cruel and gets in the way.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For me yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

I don't have to have the answers, for Jesus is the answer.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow because He has it taken care of.  I don't have to figure out what is right and wrong because He is the truth and wins in the end.  I know this full well.

Jesus came.  And all He asks is for me to come to Him.

 don't have to have an agenda, or know where to open my Bible to, or even know what to say.  I just  to come.  He will take care of it all.

So today  come.  I ask all the emotions, turmoil and details I'm going through with my Dad He will handle.  I surrender the hurt, anger, and confusion for His peace.  I come.  I surrender.  And I receive His peace He has to offer.

I chose to walk away from the troubles of this world, and just come to Him and sit.  I receive His peace.

I chose to walk away from my job today and let Him be the center.

I chose Peace.  I chose Him.  And I receive the Peace that entered this world years ago is entering me today.

Simply come.  Simply receive.

God's Uncontainable Love

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

I went to see me mom and dad today.  And I took the long way home, because I just needed to see what I knew was going to be a glimpse of the ocean as the sun was setting fast.  I don't remember seeing much but knew it was there just the same. 

I longed to touch the sand, even if the beaches were technically closed and the unknown was out there.  Fear and time kept me away.  I longed to touch the water's edge, but obedience and responsibility won out.   I felt I missed what my heart was longing for.  And wonder how much I do the same with the One who created me and the moments I am in.

On the whole journey home, I kept thinking about God's love for me and my love for Him.  I know my God is constantly present but how many times am I missing Him because I let responsibilities, obedience to the world and fear and time demands dictate my time with Him.

I can't help but see how vast the ocean is - I knew that no matter how far I looked, even if I had the best technology I would never see land on the other side of the ocean.  I also knew that the ocean would continue up the coast farther than the highway would allow.  I couldn't help but think of the verse written above, and wonder if I could just grasp a bit of God's love for me. 

I'm not going to get into the detail … but bottom line, I feel unloved - more so, unworthy of love; yet I know full well I am.  But I'm an emotional being - a feeler and long to feel over know the truth of love.   And because I struggle with feeling loved by those who know me, I can't help but struggle with God's love for me.  I know it is true.  I know He loves me … but if I could just feel it over the knowing. 

I visualized my 5'6" body in the center of the ocean water, picturing the miles and miles from my body to the ocean floor.  I saw the waves crashing over me, drenching me - almost drowning me.  I saw God's love doing the same.  I also saw me splashing out of glee of the water around me and splashing the water back up to the heavens … yet, with all my might the water splash couldn't reach.  God sees the attempts of my love for him, but He wins … His love totally out does. 

I continued my journey home.  The road was quite dark except for the occasional headlights that would come and go.  Yet even in the darkness I knew the ocean was west of me.  I could see the glow for a while, and then eventually that faded.  When I rolled the window down, I could smell the salt air, and I could feel the ocean breeze.  When I sit in His presence I am reminded that as I go through the motions I may not feel His presence, or even doubt He is with me … but if I sit and look I can see His light around me, I can take deep breathes of Him all around and feel His movement.  But I have to make the effort to pursue so I can experience.

The highway that was once parallel with the ocean took its turns and curves and even took me up some steeper terrain.  Yet no matter how many turns of the roads I took, no matter how high up in altitude I went, I knew I just had to turn my head to the west and the ocean was there.  This journey of life, with all its turns and curves, and challenges and depth of despair … God is still there, I just have to turn my head and see.  

There is one part of the drive that has trees that remind me of those in Snow White, where they grab her and long to scare her.  I admit my heart races, and I pray my truck doesn't break down at that point of the drive.  But I am also reminded just like the ocean remains near, so does God as I face those scary and overwhelming times in life.  

Eventually my ocean side highway came to an end, and I had to journey inland.  Yet in order to make it home I had to use a bridge to cross over the bay waters (an extension of the ocean I once saw).  And when I drove on that bridge and looked all around me and saw nothing but water - it was then I smiled and was a bit giddy as I was reminded how God's love still surrounds me.  I saw that even the ocean couldn't be contained and overflowed inland, throughout the bay up the creeks and rivers.  I was experiencing then how His love overflows for me.  

I was just miles from home, where the familiarity was amongst me, the knowing what lies ahead, the smells I know so well, the expectations, everything I fully know - but too - even the grumpiness, unkindness, and the quickness of anger of those around me - all of which I have also come to know and accept.  I was in the midst of what I knew that I had almost forgotten the journey I had been on.  I took the time to remember.  And as I journey on with the demands of life and the clock and those around me that offer encouragement and some not so much I can remember, see and even experience the greatness of God's uncontainable love.  I'm reminded that I am not only loved, but find joy and peace within.  

I am hoping that I can return back to the ocean's edge this weekend with the ones I hold dear … as God's love isn't just for me, there is an overabundance for all!  

It's Time To Get OUT Of That Couch!

We have three cats.  Mine, Courtney's and Katie's.  When we moved to Colorado, it was the same time Katie was moving into CSU…dorm living, which meant her cat had to remain with us.  Zelda (Katie's cat) didn't have a person anymore.  My heart bent toward her, and I felt sorry for her having to not only transition the 1200 miles drive but without a person.   We became close and she became used to living under my favor.

The cats get a long for the most part, there are times when they let each other know they want to be left alone or they just don't want to play.  Over the past couple of years, Zelda had been claiming me and my cat (Zoe) didn't accept that well, and at times has made it clear to Zelda that I'm hers.

The past few months.  Zelda has come out of her shell and become the cat she is.  She is comfortable to roam around and do what she wants … even if the other cats are annoyed with her.  It's actually a good thing to see.  We have seen her live in freedom of being who she is and freedom of living under our favor.  It has brought me great joy to watch her scamper around, or cuddle near me.

Until.

Katie moved back home a couple of weeks ago.  She brought a cat with her.  A cat that is still young and wants to play all the time….rough and tumble kind of play.  It is the size of Zelda.  And to make matters worse, it's a boy.  We have been living in a house full of hissing and scolding.  The water bottle is always near by to remind the new cat that he has to be nice to the other cats.  My cat knows her place, and walks around comfortably because she knows she has the authority to put the new cat in his place if necessary.  She walks in her authority and her confidence.   Courtney's cat doesn't like this new cat.  And she'll let out a blood curdling cry when the cat is even near her, and is constantly hissing at him.  She will go to where she wants to, skittishly, but still knows this is her home and she belongs here and knows she is loved.   She walks in love and the a knowing of what is hers.

And then there is Zelda.

We haven't seen much of Zelda the past couple of weeks.  I'll get her in our room at night and she'll come up on my bed in the morning (not during the night, as she used to).  She still comes out for her breakfast, but will hide shortly after and not eat for the rest of the day.  She has lost weight.  I have discovered where she has been hiding.  She has taken the bottom fabric that is on the bottom of the couch off and has been living inside our couch.  When I dig her out of the couch and grab a hold of her, she clutches on with her claws in my shoulder as she watches to make sure the other cat isn't around.  And to make matters worse she will have accidents because she has to walk across the house to the cat box and possibly be seen by the new cat.  She walks in fear.

The other day I pulled her out from her hiding and put a lot of love into her.  I looked at her and said "Don't you know, all of this is yours?  Not his, but yours?  This is your home, you are ours, not him.  You have authority over him and you walk in favor.  You can walk away from your fear and walk in much confidence of who you are and that you are ours.  You have been given much."

Just as I said those words … I felt God tug at me "I've been saying the same to you".

Then I searched my life lately.

I haven't been happy because of a situation I am in.  I have been trying to make the right choice, but question God's will in it constantly.  I have been living in confusion as I am not completely sure as to the direction God has me to go.  But it comes down to fear.  Fear has gripped me hard.  I just didn't know I was living in it.

So I searched my heart.  I'm afraid of making our comfortable lifestyle not so comfortable.  I'm afraid of putting the full weight on my husband and stressing him out and what that could result in.  I'm really afraid of not making the right choice.  I'm afraid of not pleasing God, my Father.  I'm afraid of how others judge me.  I'm afraid of confronting the person I will need to do.  I'm afraid of the guilt and manipulation that will come my way.  I'm afraid of being wrong.   I'm afraid of letting something go that I have loved for so long.  I'm afraid of the impact it could create on the trips that are planned this year.  I'm deeply afraid ...

So I run and hide.  I am hiding in my fear and allowing the fear to run its course on me.  I'm not living comfortably now because I'm not living at all.  I'm putting my full weight upon my husband now as I'm constantly seeking and asking his advice, then doubting he is fully understanding and knowing what circumstances could come our way.  And it's causing friction between us.  I'm already not pleasing God because I'm not doing as he wants, and letting fear be my God.  I'm letting others control me and hurt me.  And the person I am afraid to confront is controlling me now and coming into our household in an unhealthy manner.  I'm walking in the wrong direction now.  And I'm holding onto something that isn't mine to hold onto anymore.  And to top it all off, I'm not trusting in God to come and take care of all the details He wants to do.

Where have I gone wrong?

I have forgotten who I belong to.  I have forgotten who He is and what He is able to do.  I forgot that He has given me much and can walk comfortably in his favor.  I have forgotten that he has given me authority.  I have cowered down to fear and surrendered who I am and all that I have to it.  Life has been miserable, joy is absent, yet grumbling and complaining are constant.  And to make it worse, I have affected everyone who is around me.   I have been disobedient.

I need to be like the other cats.  I need to walk in authority and confidence of who I am and who I belong to.  I need to walk in the love I know God has for me and a knowing of what is mine.

It's time to walk in truth.  It's time to face my fears and knock these giants down.  And it is time to surrender to the One who knows me, the One that loves me and finds favor with me, and the One that says I am still His.  

It's time.

And since it is my time … Zelda it is your time too.  We can do this together!

Merry Christmas To My Enemies

I sit here.  I hear the Christmas carols and worship music in the background.  I have the smells and beauty of candles near me.  The taste of tea, and the word of God in my lap.  My heart is content … at least for the moment.

I wouldn't be human if I too didn't have my struggles.  And my greatest battle these days is with two coworkers.

I love my job, always have.  Yet this battle I have has caused me to even want to quit.  It has caused me to have my tantrums and has caused me to judge, point fingers right back at them and perhaps even call them names.  I have told my girls that we will always have our struggles with someone in our school classes, in our work places and even church…where ever there are people.  It is just the way life and humans are.  My battle feels like a full blown war!

But as I read the Word of God, hear the music in the background and just ponder on the celebration of  Christ's birth my heart pierces. 

I think of my two coworkers and think of how I have enjoyed getting to know them, how much I appreciated them and loved them.  And somewhere in time it changed.  I'm clueless as to how.  I think how my child has been accused of doing somethings wrong, and I'm her mom … so now I'm in the wrong too (so I feel judged).  I think of how they may think I have the same role as them, not knowing that the demands on me are different and the role isn't quite the same (so I feel not understood).  I think of mistakes I have made, or how I may approach a situation differently and perhaps even disagree with way things should run (so I feel unforgiven).  And if I was them I guess I could be guilty of all of the above, and the negativity of my feelings weighs me down.  

I have had tears knowing that not nice things are being said against me.  I have had anger knowing that communication lacks when exchanging shifts because of the way they feel against me, and knowing full well of gossip that is hurting us being a full team.  I have wanted to come out swinging when they continue to remind my other daughter of her wrong choice she made months and months ago and how I have to remind her that her mistakes don't own her, they don't identify her, and she has made all things right.  I want to spit nails when they call themselves Christians and my own daughter watches and says "why would I want to be a Christian, when this is the example?".  So much negativity comes over me, mama bear even comes out and I want to ruin their lives.

But I ponder on the Word of God, I ponder the lyrics of joy, hope, peace and love that continue to sing around me and just ponder about Christ's birth….how we need to come and adore him, how he came so we could be saved and joy is here to stay.  

And then this morning my heart just aches.  

The two of them and me have something in common.  We celebrate the same King of Kings, Prince of Peace and Wonderful Counselor that came into this darkened world - a world that needed hope, peace, joy and love.  The two of them are crying for the same hope, peace, joy and love that I am crying out for.  These two are the son and daughter of Christ.  They were purposely created, purposely planned and purposely loved, just as I was.  

And my heart aches a little more.  This time out of love and conviction.  I'm not loving the gift that was given to me as I should.  I am not worshipping the very God who creates, and have judged two of his masterpieces.  

I'm so sorry. 

I have seen the world through its darkness and have been in the habit of seeing things as hopeless.  I forgot the power of the gift we celebrate this month.  How this gift brings light and will remove all darkness and the things hidden in it.  

I have love.  I have forgivenss.  I have have freedom.  This baby has given such an abundance, I have more to give.

And the very first gifts this year are to my two coworkers.

"Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress….

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of the shadow of death

a light has dawned.

You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy…

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end."

Isaiah 9:1, 2-3a, 6-7a

My Hope Chest

This past week I have had some glimpses of God and the relationship we share.  You see, the past couple of years have been rough ... I have been out of sorts, and even put God in a box at times.  But because of everything that we have gone through the closeness I have shared with God in the past t hasn't been there.  Please hear me out ... I believe God has been with me the entire time!  I just haven't had the same intimacy that we have shared in the past.  And I have missed it.

I have had quiet times ... not consistent, but I have had them.  I have worshiped with my worship music, I have prayed, I have read the Bible and I have even journaled .... I know He is there to receive my worship, my prayers, show me His word and read the pages that are addressed to just him.  But I have longed for the times our hearts are one, joy springs from my steps because of His presence and His words and my heart seems that much bigger when we are that close.

 I have missed intimacy with God.

I have missed God.

I have missed how He makes me feel.

I have missed the joy we experience.

And sometimes even though I know He is with me, and I know He understands the yearning I have of Him, I forget He hears EVERYTHING.  I was talking with Duane in the car, describing how I long for God, how I just want to clearly hear His voice, as I choked down my tears.  It was the longing of my heart.

I just didn't realize that God was going to be so quick to respond.  And I didn't realize that my life was about to turn.

I had a dream last week.  One that was clearly from God.  I woke with a smile and just longed to be back in the dream again.  It was simple, beautiful and playful.  One I have thought of over and over again in the days that followed.  The message was simple, there is beauty that comes from the valley, God longs to play with me and the Holy Spirit too.

Finding a church home has been a long journey.  One that actually started before we moved.  It has been frustrating, isolating and tiring.  God clearly told me that we needed to go to one church we had just visited the week before, when I was ready to go to another and call it "good".  It is funny how when God tells us to go somewhere, that all of a sudden I don't have to assess the environment, it is mine, and it is where I'm to be.  There is ownership and belonging that comes with it. And it is so much better than just settling and calling it "good" ... because when God sends us somewhere - it is GREAT!

Perhaps something happened at church.  I received the message, and it was timely.  I received worship and gave my heart to God once again.  But nothing moved me more than normal.  However, when I turned on "My Worship" playlist on my iPod, my heart soared like it used to.  I even had a dance in my step.  And there was a moment of intimacy with God.  And a smile on my face.

I do remember God prompting me to go and look through my hope chest, as I sat and listened to the message.  I didn't know why, and I did wonder if I was hearing things.  But I have felt this nagging prompting to do so every since.  So this morning I sat and looked through some of it.  And I got it.

My hope chest used to be filled with things I longed to hope for.  It used to be filled with things I was going to bring into a home, into a marriage and perhaps into the lives of children.  But now when you open my hope chest ... it is filled with the once upon a time of things I hoped for now becoming greater treasures than I could imagine.

When you dig through my hope chest ... you won't find anything of monetary value.  You won't find the computer, the dishes I am saving for, nor the things that take my time and energy each day.  And you yourself won't find much meaning through the clothes, papers, pictures and things.  But these are the things I hold so dear.  A box full of love letters, and a ring box that once held an engagement ring.  So many papers, pictures and handmade gifts that the girls have made, and given over the years:  apologies, adoration and love is throughout the chest.  Some cards from extended family and friends of encouragement.  There are baby dresses that the girls wore on their dedication days, a baby blanket made from my grandmother for her first grandchild, baby teeth of mine given to the tooth fairy, and many letters to God buried throughout each layer of treasure.  These are the things I hold dear.

Why would God send me to the chest?

To show me, that He has a hope chest just the same.  I don't get to see all of it now, but I have seen some of it.  The countless journals of our interactions, prayers - answered and unanswered, pouring of my heart to Him ... the songs of my heart.  I look forward to seeing the artwork I have created for Him that He has called it treasure.  I'm sure there will be glimpses of pictures He holds dear, but I believe those pictures are going to surprise me.  Some could be the memories of when I accepted His love for the first time, and when He healed me from the torment of lies from the enemy ... but there are going to be things I have done or said, that He is going to treasure, that I have just forgotten about.  There will be apology letters like the ones I found from the girls.   And this valley we have walked through and the beauty we have found in it, will be there too.

God revealed to me this morning that He treasures so many times with me, and probably even more so than I realize.

I want to create more treasure for God to tuck away.  Those things that are so special and please His heart.  But just like I saw in the artwork of my little ones,  it doesn't take much to please Him, it is those things that come from the heart...my heart.

This past week He has shown me that He longs for intimacy too .... and treasures it.

And He longs to have intimacy with you.  He has a hope chest filled with so much of you.  I encourage you to take the time to look through it, and see what God holds so dear.  It is going to surprise you!

When the Truth Hurts

Someone recently told me how I needed to turn toward God, and was reminded that without God my doom would await.

These words stung.  These words struck a cord deep within me. 

I have God!  I know God loves me!  I know who God is! 

I felt judged, condemned and not understood. 

I have remained distant from this person.  But no matter how distant I have been, the words still hurt. They hurt because I was not understood and even overlooked.  I, I, I ...

I attended my middle daughter's graduation breakfast at church this morning.  And in the midst of the pastor's talk, he put a verse up.  I honestly couldn't tell you what he spoke about.  Because my mind went with God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Matthew 22: 37-39

Our lives are full right now.  My husband is away.  We are getting ready to move back to California.  Part of my heart is still here.  My complaints of not connecting here, are not necessarily true ... as now I'm finding that I'm more connected than I realized and having a hard time leaving.  What my life looks like in California is uncertain.  Where we are exactly going to live is unknown.  My two daughters are staying here ... where I won't get to hug them, laugh with them and hang out with them as I have done over the years.  Our household has always been tight, now distance is starting to loosen those bonds.  My customers are struggling, and I'm struggling right along with them.  Our dream home is going to be in the past.  The home we have lived in the longest will be no more.  My middle daughter is graduating and has a whole new adventure before her ... and I'm holding my breath that my parenting skills worked.  She's not being tested, but I am.  The emotional connection I hold with her is like no other, and I don't know how I'll breathe without her across the hall.  Confidence is lacking.  My oldest reminds me daily of how I'm not needed in her life.  I know it is part of growing up ... especially with girls, but the words still hurt.  I feel responsible for not keeping the five of us together, but my mind reminds me that this day was coming ready or not ... I just had seen it so differently. Our house has yet to sell, cleanliness remains a daily task ... and is starting to take its toll on me.  Starting to separate our stuff into four different parts seems overwhelming.  Yard work is constant lately, as rain has been just as constant.  I hear the complaints from three hormonal teenagers ... everything that I don't seem to do right.  Encouragement is lacking from my life.  Hugs are a thing of the past.  Decisions are a moment to moment thing ... and now exhausting.  My brain is fried, heart is aching and physically I just ache.

I hear from Duane.  His life is full too.  Learning new things with his new job.  Being away from his family.  Not being part of graduation festivities.  Isolated from the things that our family continues to go on with.  He went from a year of no activity to a full blown life of demands.  Decisions remain constant with him as well.

I have always struggled as a wife too.  I have always seen my role to lessen my husband's.  He has enough to think about at work, life at home shouldn't be more of a burden than what he is already enduring.  Because of the role I have taken, he doesn't realize that when I hear his exhaustion, his frustrations, his complaints ... how personal it is to me, and a reminder of how I continually fail. I have done everything I can to take pictures and videos of last concerts, special events and such ... so when every gadget I have is out of battery because I was all day at work, and not thinking of plugging anything in ... I feel I let my husband down.  Again, the failure runs deep.  I'm not just a failure to myself ... but now to my husband too. (At least that is what I see.)

So.   My plate remains full.  I have excused my feelings and I have ignored them too.  I have become the complaint and even failure to the girls, and now to my husband.  I didn't realize I was taking all this so deeply.  No one did.  But God did.

So when someone told me to turn to God or there would be serious consequences, I didn't hear the truth but more of a reminder of another failure in my life.  The words hurt.  

And then I saw this familiar scripture.  Have I been loving my God the way I should?  No.  I have allowed the stress and demands lead my heart, mind and soul instead.  If I would place my heart, mind and soul on God and His goodness then these failures wouldn't exist.  If I focused on God and His goodness there truly wouldn't be else to see.  If I spent time loving my God ... I would not be concerned with the details of my life, I wouldn't have to focus on all the planning...but see that one of the reasons I have to love Him, is that He has everything under control.

I wouldn't have heard those words that hurt so much if I was loving others as I should have been.  That person would have not felt the shame, failure and question of self worth they are going through if I was loving them as God had called me to do.  They would have been built up, encouraged, heard, understood, appreciated - and loved.  If I would love them, distance wouldn't be a way of protecting one another, but instead a form of embracing. 

Perhaps there could have been more grace in the confrontation.  But truth is what it is ... I need God in my life.  Now.  Everyday.  And every moment of the day.  I needed that reminder.

So all the responsibilities I have put on me, my husband has put on me, my daughters have put on me, my employer has put on me, my coworkers have put on me ... they can not dictate my mind, heart or soul .. but instead I need to lead and focus on loving my God, and my neighbors ... the rest will fall right into place. And if I spend the time focused on God, He has all the rest.

I'm So Much Like My Cat!

I love my cat!

I can tell you everything about my cat.  Her name mean "life", and I named her that because we were in a season where loss and death were all around us, and I needed "life".  She has extra long hair around her neck, making it look like she has a mane. She gets hot quite easily, so doesn't like to cuddle as much.  She has a stipe down her nose, that looks just like a pencil.  She has little light strokes of a lighter color above her right eye that makes it look like she is wearing eye shadow.  She LOVES breakfast!  She'll wake me up by laying on my face and purring.  If I don't budge, she'll go over and open the shutters.  When I ask her "what do you say?" when she is waiting for her scoop of breakfast, she'll meow her "please".  She usually greets me at the door when I come in and seeks a hello.  She loves to sleep on her back.
 I know her favorite toys. She loves to be held over my left shoulder, and hang over to see.  She loves her front paws massaged.  At night she "cuddles" for about five minutes as she climbs under the covers and stretches out next to me.

I KNOW my cat!

I take her with me on occasion in the car.  It isn't her favorite thing, but she'll go.  She starts the car ride out usually under the seat, and after time has passed she'll come out and join us on her blanket.  She'll voice herself to remind me that she is still there on a rare occasion. After we return home, she allows me to carry her in, and when she comes into the house she walks over to the other cats, making it known that she had time with me...and seems quite pleased with herself.

The one thing that saddens me about my cat is that she doesn't like to cuddle.  If only she knew how much I love her.  I want to hold her over and over again. 

I'm reminded of my Heavenly Father.  How much He knows of me.  He knows every detail .. how many hairs on my head, and freckles on my face.  What brings me joy ... and what hurts.  He knows the desires he has placed in my heart, and he knows what makes me really angry.  He knows my favorite things.  And even knows my quirks and habits.  He knows my thoughts ... and even my feelings. 

He KNOWS me!

He takes me on a journey from time to time.  Sometimes these journeys aren't my favorite thing to do, but I'll go.  I sometimes hid along the way, as I'm a bit fearful.  But at some point in the journey I come out, because I know God is there and I'm safe.  After my journeys with God, I come home and am quite pleased with myself as I have had my own special time with God, himself.

But I realize as I go through life, with all the bruising and scraps along the way.  I try and try to do things the way I see fit, I try to hold onto the struggles instead of them holding onto me.  But I can't help but wonder how sad my Creator is that I just don't allow myself to be held.  I don't think I know fully how much He loves me and wants to hold me ... over and over again.

I sure love my cat ... how much more does God, the Creator and Author, the Almighty love me!

Saved From The Clearance Rack

Like the typical man Duane can be, when he thinks of going shopping he thinks Lowes or Home Depot.  So when he is looking at all the tools and things, you can find me checking out the plants at the clearance rack. 

There are so many plants there that are pulled from the rest of their friends and put in the "reject" pile because they have a brown blemish or just didn't look right.  Usually all it takes is a little pinch here and there, a little TLC and some water and perhaps some sunlight, and they are back to normal again. 

Recently I made that trip to our local Lowes store.  I had a spot in our home that needed a couple of
plants, and I had a small budget.  So I found my way to that clearance rack, finding exactly what I needed.  I came home proud of my finds and re potted the new treasures. 

And then I was reminded of the beauty I was part of.

I have been picked and labeled through life.  I have not "looked" like the others.  And I definitely haven't thought as the world thinks - which has pushed me aside from the rest of the group.  I have stood on my own, which has left me alone on "clearance".  I have seen myself as one that just has never fit in, which has left me feeling alone. 

But then I saw Jesus coming and picking me off that rack, and seeing the beauty and value in me.  He picks the flaws away and makes beauty grow.  He pours His tender loving care into me and pours His Living Water in me, and shines His love over me.  He re pots me, and causes me to grow.  He looks at me and smiles and is pleased with what He sees ... and calls it good.

Sometimes I still see myself in the clearance rack with the labels of rejection.  But when I potted these new plants I found myself reminded to see myself with the same value and acceptance God has for me.

Today I see my new finds and cherish them differently.  I am reminded of how God sees me each day.  Valued.  Accepted.  Loved.  Cherished.  Beautiful.  And not alone. 

A Recovering Perfectionist!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed

to the likeness of his Son,

that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And those he predestined, he also called;

those he called, he also justified;

those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, neither height or depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

 that is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-31, 35, 37-39

 

Life.  I guess I can use that old expression:  "God never promised me a rose garden".  Or "God never said life would be easy".  As we entered into 2014, I shared how I believe God was getting us ready for an abundance.  So when this past week hit, it took me off guard ... as it was far from an abundance.

 

The stress in our household remains high.  I can't share all the details of all we are under, but it is more than the normal.  And we all deal with this stress differently.  We have been walking in it together.  When one of us was struggling, the others walked with them through it.  It wasn't as rosy as it sounds, for many times it wasn't the image of walking hand in hand, but grabbing someone by the hair and pulling them through.

 

I remained in prayer.  I trusted.  I hoped.  And I waited.

 

One of our struggles just isn't getting easier, but affecting and disrupting the whole household.  We have become grumpy, bitter and resentful for this particular struggle.  I know ungodly attributes.

 

The one attribute that the whole Archibald family deals with is perfectionism.  Personally, I have allowed myself to make mistakes here and there, but I have a tendency to allow God's forgiveness reign over me, but I won't do the same and allow myself to experience the condemnation that I feel I deserve.  When I see that I'm doing it, I have to remind myself of who I am, and He is so much greater.  If He can forgive, so should I.  And I have found that in order to forgive, one has to also love.  Forgiveness and love seem to go hand in hand.  Why are they so hard?  They should be the easiest thing to do.  But they aren't.  It's just easier to judge and condemn.  I'm ashamed to say, but I fall into that trap easily, and more often than I like to admit.

 

Part of my perfectionism I see in levels.  It is easy to forgive that I messed up in a recipe and the bread didn't come out as it should.  Or it is a bit harder but still have the ability to forgive myself for not getting to work on time.  However, when it comes to the "big" stuff; like parenting - it is much harder.  To me, that is almost near impossible to forgive.  Do you find these levels too?

 

I tried to walk in the grace God gives daily, but something stumbled me big time.  

 

As I  ramble on and talk about so much, I'm just admitting that I have failed.  I have also taken on another persons wrong choices as my failure.  (But that is another post.)

 

This past weekend I admit that I believed the devil's lie ... "God hates me".  "He sees where I have failed, and is very much ashamed of me".  And with those lies, I literally felt life leave me.  Literally.  It was a very scary place to be.  I was in a dark and lonely place ... different from anything in the past.  It wasn't me.  Duane saw my lifeless face.  He had to ask me what I did, or what I took.  Nothing.  That was the truth.  I believed lies. And I chose my condemnation over the love and forgiveness of God.  Duane had to get Katie from work.  Courtney was assigned to watch over me.  I didn't understand why.  But I knew that without any life in me, there wasn't life to choose either.  Life had left, and so did any feelings and concerned.  With life comes truth, that wasn't there either.  Perhaps that is what scared Duane the most.  I continued to sit, as I literally couldn't move.  Courtney remained confused.  But then the most incredible thing happened.  In her fear, in her confusion, in her desperation she rested her hand upon my back as I sat.  And something happened.  The darkness fled and life started to restore.  And I felt love starting to win out.  It wasn't until yesterday that I asked her about this ... if she was praying or if she just rested her hand.  She was praying.

 

And with that God heard the prayers of the youngest, and answered.  He came and restored.  Today, I choose to believe that was just the beginning.  I experienced a vision.  Today I choose to lay my hand on those things that remain in our home that need to flee and ask God to bring life in them again, and allow love to pour itself in.

 

Yesterday, I asked God to reveal himself more to me.  I was still wanting evidence of His feelings toward me.  And song after song, soaked to the very core of me.  Peace washed over me as love revealed itself.  I saw condemnation and judgment of myself must go so I can receive my God's love fully.  I once again hold out to hope.  I heard a verse yesterday too, one of those familiar verses (written above), but it made me open my Bible and look at the verses that surround it.  And there was His promise and the answer for His love:

 

What can separate us from God's love?  Shall all this stress?  My parenting?  The reality of the death of Duane's job that provides for our needs?  The growing pains our household is under?  The tension between husband and wife as we handle our hardships differently?  The wonder of where we will be in the next few months?  The wonder if I have to leave a job I love so much?  The wonder if we can have the opportunity to be closer to a church we love so much?  The wonder if we can have a brand new start in or out of our home?  The wonder of when complete healing will take place for one of our family member?  The wonder of how unanswered prayers will be answered?  The wonder if God can fix all my mess-ups and make them even better?  And the wonder if we can be one again?  Can the desperation we are in separate us from his love?  Nope.  In spite of all these things, in spite of everything else that may come our way too, God has made us conquerors.  He has made me a conqueror.  Not one thing mentioned, not Satan or the demons that try to stumble me, and even the lifeless curses that come upon me ... not the fear of the future, and all our wonders of things to come, not even in our desperation ... None of this will separate me from the love of God!

 

I'm so loved!  And I'm so thankful I have that to hold onto.  That is enough for me.  Through his love, I can forgive myself.  Through his love, I can walk these struggles.  It is His love that will get me through our desperation ... and actually is the very cry of our desperation. 



 

 

 



Bittersweet

I guess I need to face the music sometime.  In all honesty, there are things in one's life that are frankly - none of everyone's business.  However, being that I allowed you to enter into our lives and know about the adventure, it's be fair for you to know where the adventure has taken us.

Not all stories are fairy book endings.  Not all stories are happy ever ending.  And this would be one of them.

RAD.  The devil's foothold, I believe.  RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I don't believe in labels, but sometimes one must label in order to know what others are up against.  RAD is what we were dealing with.  No matter what kind of love and care we poured into our son, it wouldn't be received, only rejected.  But it wasn't just about not receiving all that was given to him. 

With RAD comes a huge defiance, and much manipulation.  And with RAD came broken boundaries for our biological daughters.  Trust was broken each day, and not giving us much to stand on.

And without writing the many reasons we came to our decision, we spent many hours on our knees in prayer.  And we had to make the decision to protect the children God has already blessed us with.  And our son had to make the decision as well.  And with our answers ... our son is no longer.  A month ago he was removed, and his adventure in life continues.

I don't regret what we did.  I know that our son came to know Christ in the short five months he was with us.  He learned that life isn't just about receiving privileges, but one must earn them.  And unfortunately, our son will see in his next placement that things in this home weren't bad.  But it takes him to be moved from here to see what he had.  And we believe his next placement will be successful.

And even in this sorrow we have experienced, we have experienced God and learned more of Him and his gentle loving character He is. 

I walked away from Him, when all this was said and done.  I mean, how could ANYONE love me for rejecting a 10 year old boy.  For not accepting ALL of him, and putting my teenage daughters first.  A lot of that was the judgment we were under from countless of sources, but it grabbed a hold of me something fierce just the same.  How could God love me?  I had to of let me down, and turned to be his greatest disappointment.

My husband leaned over me at church a week ago and prayed.  RAD ... it had a hold of me.  Manipulation, defiance, broken boundaries ... all causing me to reject my Father's love.  And I realized how much I was pushing the goodness of God away, instead of receiving the goodness He has given me from the time of birth until now. 

So now we enter a season back to having a family of five - three teenage girls, a husband and myself.  And I have to say - it is all good.  It is good, because I have received these five lives as one of the greatest gifts my God has given me.  I am in a new season of recognizing the goodness of my Savior and receiving ALL he has to offer.  And I stand on His promise that he'll make even our son's life good too. Because I stand on the knowledge God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!

My Life, My Love, My Joy - My Husband

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." 
Genesis 1:31

 
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."

Psalm 34:8

 

 

I'm reminded how much God created and saw what He made was good.  I'm reminded as we walk this journey of adoption, through the tiredness and struggles that I can, should and will turn and see what God created is ALL good.  In the midst of all this, I have not only seen but have experienced and tasted something extremely good. 

 

Duane.

 

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-" 

Ephesians 5:28-29

 

I have always loved Duane, no doubt about it.  The love I have for Duane has grown over the last twenty years.  But I have discovered more than love over the last couple of months.  I have discovered a true admiration.  I have remained quiet as I watch. 

 

I have seen a man who has come alongside his wife and wipe her tears, laugh with me, and hear my anger and let it roll of his back.  I have been frustrated when the same crime has been committed by the same child, and patience was worn too thin - Duane was there, and took over the situation.  I have been hurt when the kids have thought their behaviors don't affect anyone, but have greatly wounded me - Duane has stepped in to protect.

I have seen a man that has committed his time with God.  I see him in his Bible and experience his hand on me as he prays over the family and me. I have watched him set a boundary and get filled as he attends his men's group at church. 

And now we have a new son.  A son that has never had a father.  A son that will listen to directions by his father, and put off the same directions when given by his mother.  A son that has a different way of thinking...one that I have no experience with.  A son that doesn't make the best choices.  A son that has exhausted us - more mentally than anything else.  But I have watched my husband, as I watch our son.  When I've been in tears, he's wiped them, heard them and stepped in to make things right.  He has remained the leader.

I have seen a husband come in from work, not complaining of the state of the house, nor that dinner is take-out (once again). 

I have seen a husband who has chipped in and helped with the household chores that used to be more manageable for me to handle, but instead of complaining he remains thankful I'm there in the midst of the chaos.

I have watched what I see a pillar of strength.  Yet I know where his strength comes from, or rather who is his source. 

Today I have a new thanksgiving in my heart.  I'm thankful for God giving me such a man.  But most of all, I'm thankful for being able to experience God in such a tangible way.  Duane doesn't realize how much I grow closer to God because of how Duane treats me.  He doesn't realize how much more I can see how much God loves me because of how Duane demonstrates that love.

What can I give such a man?  What can I do to return my appreciation of the man I share life with?  I pray, as I do each and every day.  I pray for him to the One who is the source of his strength, and the source of our love.

My Heavenly Father,

 

First, thank you for the husband you have given me, the one that makes me one with you.  Thank you for the good that you made in him, and thank you for making him very good.  Thank you for the love that sparked so many years ago, and that burns with passion today.  And thank you for allowing me to experience you and see you in the man that is made after your own heart.

 

Father God, I know that Duane is only strong because you are his strength.  I know you are the source of his patience, his kindness and giving heart.  I'm thankful that you have given him that desire to seek you for those attributes, and how he has learned to lean on you each and every day.  I'm thankful you continue to grow him, and that the good that you created him in is flourishing today.  I see you are good, because I see Duane is good.   

 

Father God, I also see the trials he is in.  I see the heartache at work.  I see the pressures of fathering a growing family.  I see the heartache of letting his precious girls go.  I see how the world is using him, and abusing him.  I see his tiredness and despair.  But more importantly you see it.  You see how each element tugs at his heart.  And today I see a tree, bending over with all the demands hanging from the branches.  And I shake it.  And I ask that you shake it completely, allowing his branches to raise up to you once again.  I ask that all the demands that weigh him down, let loose and bring my husband the freedom and passion he has in you once again. 

 

Today Lord, I give you my husband.  Your word remains true.  You remain faithful.  You remain good.  You know the plans you have declared for Duane, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.  And Duane will call upon you and come and pray to you.  He will listen to you, as he has done so many times.  And when he seeks you with all his heart, you will be found.  Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your promises.  And thank you for making everything good. 

Today I rest in you, as I give you my husband, and thank you for making him the man you called him to be and allowing him to be part of my life.



Abundance

It hit me right between the eyes last night.  So hard, that I couldn't help but fall upon my knees and weep.

Our family has been going through a lot of challenges, a lot of changes.  At this point, I just try and get through each day, calling it good.  I can't seem to even think of tomorrow, let alone next week.  We now are a family of six.  That is the biggest change.  One more body in our home, that wasn't there too long ago ... it just takes some getting used to.  We are also getting used to having a boy in the house, when frankly we are used to girls.  I'm just dumbfounded how differently they think.  We are getting used to medication, when we are a house that does things natural, and never have had to be confined to daily living through a bottle of pills.  We are getting used to a new elementary school, that we have never been part of before, and a public school at that.  Our calendar is stuffed full of therapy appointments, OT appointments, doctor, dentist and psychologist ... and just for a ten year old boy.  And each appointment I'm learning something new.  It just seems so overwhelming. 

And to be real with you.  Our family is far from perfect.  We have issues just like any other family.  And can I tell you something?  Being a mom to teenagers is soooooo hard!  Let alone three teenage girls!  I never expected it to be easy, but there are days that I wonder if this is "normal" and I question all my ability and start wondering where I have gone wrong.  The hormones are extremely active in our home.  The drama tends to escalade.  The expectancy they put on their parents, we often wonder if we live in the same world.  So hard. 

And last night wasn't anything different.

We have had to put a new system in our home.  It is more for our son, but our girls are part of it too.  We have found they not only enjoy it, but it is working for everyone, encouraging us (as parents) to follow through, encourage our kids and allow the system to work for us, instead of us being dealt with the "war" between us and the kids.  It is a simple system.  We have a white board, listing all the chores, with the initials of who is in charge of them.  Attached to the board is also the daily responsibilities that everyone has to do in the house.  We also have a picture of CARS (Lightning McQueen, Mator, and Doc Hudson), each representing three ribbons (1st, 2nd, 3rd place).  Attached to the picture are 4 clothes pins, each with the name of our children.  Each place ribbon lists what gets them to that place, and what the privilege/consequence are.  First place may earn you some extra allowance or video time, where as third place earns you nothing.  It is a simple system, that we do at the dinner table.  And it has been working!

Well yesterday I took a child of mine at their word that they did their responsibilities...that their room was clean and done.  Leaving them at first place with all the privileges.  Lessoned learn on my part ... I have to check.
I walked in their room after church last night ... so disappointed in what I saw.  And lecture number #87 started coming to my lips.  But at the same time I'm dealing with life as it is... I'm dealing with my heart's cry of wanting to be closer to God, wanting to experience more of him.

I remember telling my daughter, to get up, start focusing on the task at hand and move ... getting the job done.  Go for what you want!  Believe that you can overcome this task.  She is one that accepts defeat so easily, and shows through how she carries herself.

I also remembering the heartbreak I experienced that moment.  Being lied to.  Deceit.  My trust was broken.  I couldn't help but tear up.  I told my girls I have soooo much for you.  More than they could ever imagine.  I have so many things I want to give them, things I have listed in my mind, and so much in my heart.  I have an abundance to give them!

And it hit me.  How often to I walk in what I already have, accepting it as enough, and that I don't deserve more.  Instead of walking with the knowing my Heavenly Father has an abundance to give me!  How many times do I ask for the whim of the moment, and say that it is enough, and not accept all the things He has for me?  How many times do I disobey my Heavenly Father, and walk away from the abundance He has for me? 

I couldn't help but fall on my face.  I couldn't help but see the life I had been living and plea for a new start. 

So today I walk with a knowing my Father has abundance for me.  And I know that He has an abundance for you.  His love is great ... greater than I could ever imagine.  And I'm so thankful that I'm able to experience a taste of His heart for you and me every now and then ... even through the challenges of parenting, and the challenges of change.  To know my Father's heart is abundantly full for me  seems to just make it all worth it.