A Recovering Perfectionist!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed

to the likeness of his Son,

that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And those he predestined, he also called;

those he called, he also justified;

those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, neither height or depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

 that is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-31, 35, 37-39

 

Life.  I guess I can use that old expression:  "God never promised me a rose garden".  Or "God never said life would be easy".  As we entered into 2014, I shared how I believe God was getting us ready for an abundance.  So when this past week hit, it took me off guard ... as it was far from an abundance.

 

The stress in our household remains high.  I can't share all the details of all we are under, but it is more than the normal.  And we all deal with this stress differently.  We have been walking in it together.  When one of us was struggling, the others walked with them through it.  It wasn't as rosy as it sounds, for many times it wasn't the image of walking hand in hand, but grabbing someone by the hair and pulling them through.

 

I remained in prayer.  I trusted.  I hoped.  And I waited.

 

One of our struggles just isn't getting easier, but affecting and disrupting the whole household.  We have become grumpy, bitter and resentful for this particular struggle.  I know ungodly attributes.

 

The one attribute that the whole Archibald family deals with is perfectionism.  Personally, I have allowed myself to make mistakes here and there, but I have a tendency to allow God's forgiveness reign over me, but I won't do the same and allow myself to experience the condemnation that I feel I deserve.  When I see that I'm doing it, I have to remind myself of who I am, and He is so much greater.  If He can forgive, so should I.  And I have found that in order to forgive, one has to also love.  Forgiveness and love seem to go hand in hand.  Why are they so hard?  They should be the easiest thing to do.  But they aren't.  It's just easier to judge and condemn.  I'm ashamed to say, but I fall into that trap easily, and more often than I like to admit.

 

Part of my perfectionism I see in levels.  It is easy to forgive that I messed up in a recipe and the bread didn't come out as it should.  Or it is a bit harder but still have the ability to forgive myself for not getting to work on time.  However, when it comes to the "big" stuff; like parenting - it is much harder.  To me, that is almost near impossible to forgive.  Do you find these levels too?

 

I tried to walk in the grace God gives daily, but something stumbled me big time.  

 

As I  ramble on and talk about so much, I'm just admitting that I have failed.  I have also taken on another persons wrong choices as my failure.  (But that is another post.)

 

This past weekend I admit that I believed the devil's lie ... "God hates me".  "He sees where I have failed, and is very much ashamed of me".  And with those lies, I literally felt life leave me.  Literally.  It was a very scary place to be.  I was in a dark and lonely place ... different from anything in the past.  It wasn't me.  Duane saw my lifeless face.  He had to ask me what I did, or what I took.  Nothing.  That was the truth.  I believed lies. And I chose my condemnation over the love and forgiveness of God.  Duane had to get Katie from work.  Courtney was assigned to watch over me.  I didn't understand why.  But I knew that without any life in me, there wasn't life to choose either.  Life had left, and so did any feelings and concerned.  With life comes truth, that wasn't there either.  Perhaps that is what scared Duane the most.  I continued to sit, as I literally couldn't move.  Courtney remained confused.  But then the most incredible thing happened.  In her fear, in her confusion, in her desperation she rested her hand upon my back as I sat.  And something happened.  The darkness fled and life started to restore.  And I felt love starting to win out.  It wasn't until yesterday that I asked her about this ... if she was praying or if she just rested her hand.  She was praying.

 

And with that God heard the prayers of the youngest, and answered.  He came and restored.  Today, I choose to believe that was just the beginning.  I experienced a vision.  Today I choose to lay my hand on those things that remain in our home that need to flee and ask God to bring life in them again, and allow love to pour itself in.

 

Yesterday, I asked God to reveal himself more to me.  I was still wanting evidence of His feelings toward me.  And song after song, soaked to the very core of me.  Peace washed over me as love revealed itself.  I saw condemnation and judgment of myself must go so I can receive my God's love fully.  I once again hold out to hope.  I heard a verse yesterday too, one of those familiar verses (written above), but it made me open my Bible and look at the verses that surround it.  And there was His promise and the answer for His love:

 

What can separate us from God's love?  Shall all this stress?  My parenting?  The reality of the death of Duane's job that provides for our needs?  The growing pains our household is under?  The tension between husband and wife as we handle our hardships differently?  The wonder of where we will be in the next few months?  The wonder if I have to leave a job I love so much?  The wonder if we can have the opportunity to be closer to a church we love so much?  The wonder if we can have a brand new start in or out of our home?  The wonder of when complete healing will take place for one of our family member?  The wonder of how unanswered prayers will be answered?  The wonder if God can fix all my mess-ups and make them even better?  And the wonder if we can be one again?  Can the desperation we are in separate us from his love?  Nope.  In spite of all these things, in spite of everything else that may come our way too, God has made us conquerors.  He has made me a conqueror.  Not one thing mentioned, not Satan or the demons that try to stumble me, and even the lifeless curses that come upon me ... not the fear of the future, and all our wonders of things to come, not even in our desperation ... None of this will separate me from the love of God!

 

I'm so loved!  And I'm so thankful I have that to hold onto.  That is enough for me.  Through his love, I can forgive myself.  Through his love, I can walk these struggles.  It is His love that will get me through our desperation ... and actually is the very cry of our desperation.