The Assignment

It was a simple question that the pastor's wife asked of us.  To just post a picture of us standing in our favorite part of our home or property, and post another in our least.  I could have sent any ol' picture but for whatever reason this question really got my mind pondering.

And thanksgiving over flowed in my heart.  After days of pondering I realized what a testimony this home is.   What I have experienced in this home, I haven't experienced in any other home we had … at least to the depth.

We have recently remodeled a couple of rooms: our bathroom and kitchen.  It would be natural to take a picture in those rooms.  The kitchen is where I experience creativity and passion and able to serve.  And as much as I experience the joy of kitchen … it's not my favorite.  The bathroom is the gratest transformation:  something truly horrible and ugly now so purposeful and beautiful.  Isn't that Jesus in our lives?  How He transforms us from our horrible selves into something beautiful.  That could be it … but no, it wasn't it.

Do I post a picture of our sitting room?  That could it.  It is a room where plants surround me, reminding me of life.  It is a place I come and meet with Jesus in my quiet time, and where my intimate conversations take place with those I hold dear.  That could be it.  But I still had hesitancy as I thought about all the other rooms.

The laundry room, even though, the frequent mess of dirt trampling through and the collection of shoes still brings me a pleasant feeling.  The dining room is full of fellowship, intimacy, laughter and conversations. A place where I can serve those I love.  That surely could be it.  The family room is where the girls play their instruments and worship.  It has turned into our santuary where we have church now and we gather to watch movies, play games and where my husband holds me or my hand.  That could be it too.  Or what about the stairwell where so many pictures greet me and remind me of the good memories I have had with so many people.  Or what about our room with its solitude and the intimacy, love and embrace only a husband and wife share.  And the fourth bedroom .. storing the fun of games, creativity of crafts and sewing and such, and a place I can work or rather daydream as I stare out the window.  Or do I stand in the only room we liked when we purchased our home .. .the downstairs bathroom, the room we still love and are thankful for because it drew us here.  Or what about the rabbit coop where I'm greeted with so many cute faces and the fun they are.  And the back porch where I can sit and relaxe and soak up the sun and enjoy the beauty of the flowers that surround me.

As I pondered,  I have been grateful of all that God has blessed us with.  I have experienced His blessings in each room and each room is filled with His goodness.  I have a tangible reminder of a good God and the overflowing of goodness He has provided me.

I couldn't help but remember the day we found this house.  We had transitioned back to California.  We were trying hard to make something new, because we were determined to not return to the life and area we had known.  We were going to live somewhere new, somewhere different.  The realestate business was hot, and we had put eleven offers in different homes … all of them going at least 100,000 over asking prices - something we couldn't even compete in.  Our temporary housing was about up and we were running out of hope.  One thing happened after another, and we saw our now home on Redfin.  It met all the criterias, but I just didn't like it.  We placed an offer on the home still but way less than the offer, believing the bank would never accept.  But God always wins .. and the keys were ours.

I had a disagreement with Duane right after watching church on Sunday.  And true to form I retreated to

the place that always welcomes me.  I took my tea and poindered.  I was upset with my behavior and frustrated with my husband.  But I went and sat and confessed my heart to God there.  I sat and looked around and saw the beauty around me and thanksgiving filled my heart.  I felt close to God once again.  I realized then and there where my favorite spot was - my front porch.  It is there no matter what I'm going through my heart always sores towards Him and thanksgiving fills my heart.  It is there I welcome those into our home, and send off my love when they go - and God does the same with each of us.  I watch the birds, and the bumble bees and rabbit - even though it eats my flowers.  It's not my favorite door, and the porch needs some touching up - but in spite of that, God is with me.

The least favorite place in our home was just as difficult because each room is so good because God is part of each of them.  It could be the girls room as there are many times it is hard to find the floor … but because of the lives that fill them, I'm even fond of those rooms.  But then I remembered a room that intensifies my fear of the dark because there is no electricity, and the spiders and mice have been easy to find.  But also a place where we have had kittens born in there .. the detached garage, carriage house, shed or whatever you want to call it.

So today thankful that God not only gives us a testimony in our lives but in our homes as well.  And I am thankful He chose us to live here.

The Missing Puzzle Piece

My daughter loves puzzles.  Ha!  So do the cats!  Thus the reason she can't get her big 9000 peice puzzle out, or the cats will have ever piece under the couches, chewed on or just all over the place.  Sometimes we end of with one piece of a puzzle in another's box … or I'll just find a loose piece that got missed getting in the box.

I feel like that missing puzzle piece.  I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.

Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate.  I never felt old until this winter.  I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain.  Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed.  I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days.  And then this year with all the illness' that are going around.  First I got bronchitis and then the flew.  I'm still not 100% better.  

Finances are a bit out of control in our household.  We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding.  We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017.  Normal stuff … nothing unusual.  I mean other family's have it much worse.  But I like things just so, and they aren't.

Our marriage is like everyone else.  Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house.  We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs.  But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another.  We are strangers.  I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again.  It's a normal thing … normal.  Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't.  I really love my husband and think the world of him.  I need him now more than ever.  I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him.  And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world.  Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.

My faith.  I have it.  I'm not hearing a lot from God latley.  I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk.  But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear.  I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have.  I don't know.  I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me.  Perhaps I need to repent again.  However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.  

I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder.  But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave.  I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away.  Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.  

When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California.  I missed my friends and the friendliness of California.  Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church.  I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs.  And I would remember how to meet his.  I also know now California's relationships have come to a close.  My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.  

On top of it all.  I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship".  He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties.  I don't think you can get much slower.  He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times.  I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers.  Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call.  I hold my breath each time the phone rings.  And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world.  I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out.  Yet … I already feel rejected.  Again.  I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more.    Abandonement.  It brings so much baggage.  Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life.  Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again.  I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.

And home.  My house is a mess and I know how to fix that!  Yet I don't.  Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick.  Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father.  But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life.  I should be honored, but I'm not.  I want to be looked at as more. 

My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been.  Life sucks sometimes and right now it does.  I feel lost.  Alone.  Forgotten.

I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.  

I'm waiting.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And even though life sucks right now … I will pray - again.  I will rejoice for everything is good.  And I will give thanks.

Life Is Full Of It's Challenges!

It's been a heck of a time these past couple of years.  Every time I think I have gone through the thick of it, it gets a bit thicker.  Perhaps it is my outlook in life.  Perhaps it is just the season we're in.  Call it what you want, bottom line it has been a hard couple of years.

When Duane lost his job about a year and a half ago, I went into flight or fight mode.  I stepped up my hours at work to bring what little income I could in, and still doing what I already was doing in the ways of home maker.  I tried to be a source of encouragement to my husband, and bring a comfort to my girls.  I can stand where I do today to know that I began to rely on myself more, even though I would say I was relying on God. 

One of my biggest arguments with Duane during this time was my feeling of lack of appreciation, and not being recognized enough for all I was doing.  I felt alone too.  Today I can stand and tell you that because I took the role on that I did, and stood on my own two feet that it was my own doing for the feelings I was enduring. 

When we moved to California, I had arranged for my next source of employment.  I believed God gave me the go ahead and I went ahead.  It brought a long commute, much stress, emotional abuse and much anguish.  Today I stand, unemployed and see that I never asked Him when, and I was so determined that perhaps I didn't hear the correct answer.  My wants outweighed my listening skills.

We left two girls back in Colorado.  I can't tell you the depth of depression I have been in because of that fact.  I hid my feelings through working, focusing on housing and now setting up our home.  As things start resting in place, my heart has been more exposed.  Many tears have been shed.  Much anger has been spewed.  Silence has been heard.   

We had two months to find our home.  We put nine offers and nine different houses in an area that would be closer to Duane's work.  Each one of them was rejected as other offers outbid ours.  We leaned on what we wanted, not on where God was directing us.  I can testify today that I stood on pride to be able to say that I moved out of state, and it eased my pride to say that I was returning  but to a different location.  I was ashamed to come back in the area we left.  But God has a way of humbling us, and it will be on his timetable until we grasp where He wants us.  After three months of temporary housing (AKA:  a hotel), we put our tenth offer in, which was accepted .... back in the hometown we once lived.

Relocation isn't easy as it is, getting Courtney registered for school was a battle of its own.  New laws have been passed, two different states with their own requirements and systems trying to blend together, and a roughness to the school we were assigned to were just some of the battles we were in, as I was dealing with the loss of the other two girls.  I observed I quit parenting all together, as fear of losing the last was quickly approaching as we enrolled her for her senior year.  I had to apologize to Courtney that I stopped being her mommy, and took back that role that I know so well.  

Community has been our word for a few years now.  Community is definently where we live now.  But it is something that we are searching for too.  We walk everywhere now, trying to make our presence known.  We greet our neighbors, and trying to reestablish old friendships.  But it is hard to have been away for nearly a decade and find where we fit in again.  Places have changed, people have changed, society has changed.  Where do we fit with all these changes?  And finding a church home is the key.  We're still looking where that will be.  I know God will bring us to that place, as he has brought us home.  

It has been a rough year and a half.  We have gone through so much, so many feelings, and I can still testify that my feelings are still "raw".  But I have grown.  I have changed.  I have gained many lessons along the way.  I have been humbled, and admit that today even though I can say I have learned much, I can still say I have much more to learn too.  It has been a rough journey ... but it has been all good too!  

Reclaiming Our Family

Where do we even begin? I have not been kidding in the past few posts when confessing the chaos our family has been in. We have had someone sick constantly for the past two months, we have endeared financial strain, had a huge education decision to make, major crisis at Duane's work, Courtney's childhood health issues have resurfaced, and the list goes on. Through everything we are just plain exhausted, which makes it all that much harder to get through.

We have remained quiet, and have been put on our knees. Truly, there isn't a better place to be. Does that make life easier? No, but much more manageable.

Through prayer, bible study, journaling and listening - we have seen something that alarmed us. We are living in the future ... definitely not in the present. I believe it started the same time we committed to Elijah. We put everything on hold by saying "we'll do this when Elijah & Ruthie are home...", for example. Life has been on hold because we have stopped living. I haven't even taken a family picture because I keep thinking that Elijah and Ruthie will be home, and we'll just do it then. Honestly, the intentions are good (I'm always trying to save a dollar), but through the savings, we forgot about the treasures we have. You know those treasures we take for granted: the gift of a marriage, the beauty of three girls, the good health we are given, the wonder of creation and the best yet ... God's son, Jesus. When we stopped living, we put these things aside too.

Duane and I have been working so hard to "reclaim our family" (our current purpose statement). Because we have endured so much stress in the past few months, we are trying to reduce it. We are trying to do what is right for our family, and not the others down the street or those sitting in the same pew as us on Sunday morning. Through it we are trying to be prepared for the unforeseen stress that comes into the family, but most of all to bring our family together once again. Some of the things we have done are: we have decided next school year to put Katie and Lindsay in the public schools near our home , and Courtney to be home schooled. This will naturally put us at home more, and lessen the strain from our commute. It will also put me, the peacemaker of the home to do just that...help create an atmosphere of peace. Home schooling will not be easy, and add it's own kind of stress but we will reap its benefits and know it is best for Courtney at this time. The change will naturally help us financially as well, as we can focus at getting out of debt. As long as we continue to owe, there isn't peace. Duane and I will also have more time to put aside for each other. We are both looking forward to this. If we aren't healthy in our relationship, the whole family will crumble and fall in the littlest strain that comes our way. And too, we have realized we haven't taken a true vacation for the past seven years. Duane's company has had a major catastrophe that didn't allow our original plans of a great vacation to work, but as we said to the girls ... "it doesn't matter where we are, but that we are together and learn how to laugh again". So with that we are escaping over the next few days.

As we stand guard to what may come our way, and as we try and get our life back in the present, I can't help but be thankful. For I am thankful that God doesn't put me on hold as He waits for another person or event. I am thankful that I have a God that has it all together, and takes the time to live with and through each of us. I am thankful He is my Redeemer and has claimed our family over and over again. And in my thankfulness, I will take His lead, and learn to stay in the current time and His presence.

So as for you...you'll have to hold out about all the things we have been doing in our life, or what we are working toward doing. Today, we hold onto each other, as He is holding onto us and we are taking some time for a little get-away. See you later!

Room in the Inn?

As you have been reading it is the girls plan to go and serve in Liberia this Christmas. Unfortunately they have not raised the full amount needed, the t-shirts aren't ready to sell, and the airlines don't have any available seats. We are seeking plan B (I suppose God's original plan): which will be going back during spring break, if not sooner. For those of you who are still wanting to support the girls endeavor, we have made arrangements for you to receive a tax-deduction by making your checks out to "Addy's Hope", with "Archibald trip" in the memo. You can send it to them or us. Thank you for your support!

The girls were heartbroken. Duane and I were too. I'm thankful that our disappointment fell during the start of a season of Hope and Joy. So, we went back to the traditions, that come with this time of year; and each of us seeking the true meaning of Christmas...Jesus, our Savior, Deliverer and our Greatest gift of all.

We are still seeking "the place" where we will go and get our tree each year. We like to make a day out of it...just the five of us (soon to be seven). This year we headed down to Colorado Springs and spent the day there, singing along to Christmas songs, and giggling throughout the car ride there.

We found our trees!!!

The girls, in all humor wondered if they could get their parents to choose this one...needless to say, we simply said "I don't think so!" :)

It is our Christmas tradition to get a second, little Christmas tree. Those of you who have known us for quite some time, probably remember a specifically hard time in our lives - when we moved from Oakley to Concord; and the home we purchased turned out to be a "buyer beware" home. As quickly as we moved in, we had to move out due to a major water leak, which brought with it mold. For three months we lived in a hotel room, without our belongings or the comforts of home. Nothing went according to plan.

We purchased a little "Charlie Brown tree", which we brought with us to our new home when it was safe to move in again. Unfortunately, the only access we had in our new home were the bedrooms; so it was our room that our little tree stood.

All of our belongings were packed and unable to get to. As the girls brought arts and crafts home from school, and our family made some ornaments we soon had our first ever home made Christmas.

I remember being grateful that Christmas that there was room in the "inn" when we were seeking shelter. We were grateful our family and friends were always willing to take us in during those dreadful three months. But we couldn't help but wonder, why couldn't Bethlehem make room for Jesus? His family were strangers I suppose.

So every year we make our home made Christmas tree (which stands not in our bedroom but rather our family room) and remember. We remember how God took care of us when everything was taken away. But it also stands as a reminder to make room always for Jesus. And that is our challenge to you this season...do you have room for Him? Is there space for Him to come?

"For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:6

Are you ready?

Today Is The Day

Well, the day has come. The day I was hoping to avoid is looking at me right in my face. I see the calendar. Today is here...whether I wanted it or not.

Some adoptive parents mark their anniversary's of starting their journey by when they actually started taking the first "baby steps" (that could be really discouraging for us for it has been years and years since we have started that), some mark it when it was laid upon their hearts (that started before we were even married...so it is going on 17+ years)...but we mark it by when we called the agency and said "Yes, Elijah belongs to us." So with that being said, today is the day we celebrate 2 years since we have accepted Elijah's referral.

How do we approach this day? How do we deal with this day? How do we look back and see what was suppose to be a 7-12 months ordeal, now a 2 year and counting ordeal? How do we face the doubts of those who are watching us and reading this blog? This is how we choose...

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice an be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24
and

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances..."

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Yes, that is right. Today we choose to remain in joy. Today we choose to be thankful. We will pray, but there will be a celebration of thankfulness and joy in it. Let me share with you part of my prayer journal.

"Father God, people are watching us, watching our situation with this adoption. They don't see your victory because Elijah and Ruth aren't here, and God there are days I fall into this same lie. But today I claim your victory once again. I continue to walk in obedience to you. I have seen that you have NOT closed doors, but rather OPENED the doors that have increased my faith. God, in the beginning of this journey I thought I knew you, but now I see where I stand and look back and see that I didn't know you at all. "

I remain in joy for I have seen my faith increase in this journey. I remain thankful for the intimacy I share with our Savior.

I remain in joy for I have the full armor of God on: I have the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, my feet fitted with gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit. (Ephesians 6:11-18) I remain thankful for the all His provisions.

I remain in joy for my God fills me with that joy. I remain thankful for He remains good.

I remain in joy for this battle is not mine, but HIS. And He is victorious. And for that alone I give Him thanks.

We remain in joy for how He has grown this family through the past two years. I am thankful our family stands together and will give Him our all in all.

We remain in joy for the favor God has for our agency. And we will thank God for the agency our children and we are apart of, and for God's grace and compassion that is shown through it.

We have much joy to be part of lives in another part of the world, lives who are celebrating the God we serve together...even with them there, and us here. We will give thanks for the staff at the orphanage, who continues to work even though there are no funds to cover what they are doing.

We are joyful for God is our Protector. We will give thanks that our children are safe and under a brand new building and playing in a play yard.

We are joyful for our God is a compassionate God, and full of abundance. We will give thanks that God has given us an abundance...for we started this journey with one child and now have two!

We will remain in joy for our God listens. We will give thanks for the answered prayers as we received the court decree and passport for our son, and the answers soon to come.

We will remain in joy for our God is building His people up. We will give thanks as our whole family has the heart to go and experience the Liberian life as our other children only know.

We will be joyful for our God has redeemed the five of us here, individually, in our marriage, and as a family. We will give thanks, as our marriage has flourished and become even stronger through this added stress of waiting as well as our financial state.

We remain in joy through the strength of our Lord. We will give thanks for God has been our strength through all this. He has not only wiped each tear that has fallen, but knows the exact number we have shed. He has given us patience and joy. He has been our Sustainer.

We are joyful and give thanks for our God has remained Faithful. He has never left us nor forsaken us.

Today we pour out our joy and our thanks upon a God who is Faithful, Good, Just, and Compassionate, and we have the privilege to call Him our Father and Friend. And because of the God He is, we have joy and reason to be thankful.

The Time Has Come...

There is a phrase "All Good Things Must Come To An End". I think about this as our summer has officially ended, and the girls have returned to school. Our life that we have discovered, our life outside of school activities and car rides; we have come to embrace. My time alone as I walk and worship each morning, and the quietness of the living room as the girls sleep and I read my Bible and journal has to work itself into my schedule instead of it greeting me each day. My mind being focused on God as I wake, and throughout the days are now interrupted with "what is on the agenda today" and checking off my "to-do's".

But then I felt a nudge. One that was saying... "I Am THE Good Thing, and I will NEVER come to an end". And now I ponder, and am washed with such gladness. Our God, who is the Author of Salvation, Creator of the universe, Friend and Father never leaves us or forsakes us! Remains with us forever! He Himself is the Beginning and the End. As long as we choose life with Him there is no end.

So as I approach another first day of school, and the sadness of the three good things God has given us to maintain go off and experience life as they will choose for themselves, I will approach it with gladness, for as long as we choose salvation through Christ, there is never an end. The time I have daily enjoyed this summer was only a beginning of the days to come...some will be full of distractions, and others quiet. And I will continue to choose to give thanks. (But I still will wipe a tear or two of joy as I send them off today and as they take their next steps.)

Lindsay - Sophomore (10th grade)

Katie - 7th grade


Courtney - 6th grade - 1st year of middle school!



Family Fall Pictures...

What's growing at our house...

It is hard to believe but we have celebrated our three year anniversary, since we have been in Colorado and in our home. Our time has gone so fast here...it has been a hard transition for me, but now I can say it has all been worth it. I love our life here, but mainly because I am with Duane, who I believe is the best husband in the world. Our family is closer than ever before, that alone makes this journey worth it.

Three years ago, we moved into our forclosure home. Three years ago we started our home and yard looking like this...

A year later, when the potable water was turned on in our development we were able to landscape and turn what was known as the "house with the dead yard" into the "house with the beautiful yard"....

Last year we planted our garden, and weren't too succesful, for we are still learning what grows well in Colorado and what doesn't....

This year, this is what we see...

And for all these things we give thanks ... for His goodness, His faithfulness, His grace and mercy, all of His provisions, His love and for the love and togetherness of this family. God we are truly greatful!