It's been a heck of a time these past couple of years. Every time I think I have gone through the thick of it, it gets a bit thicker. Perhaps it is my outlook in life. Perhaps it is just the season we're in. Call it what you want, bottom line it has been a hard couple of years.
When Duane lost his job about a year and a half ago, I went into flight or fight mode. I stepped up my hours at work to bring what little income I could in, and still doing what I already was doing in the ways of home maker. I tried to be a source of encouragement to my husband, and bring a comfort to my girls. I can stand where I do today to know that I began to rely on myself more, even though I would say I was relying on God.
One of my biggest arguments with Duane during this time was my feeling of lack of appreciation, and not being recognized enough for all I was doing. I felt alone too. Today I can stand and tell you that because I took the role on that I did, and stood on my own two feet that it was my own doing for the feelings I was enduring.
When we moved to California, I had arranged for my next source of employment. I believed God gave me the go ahead and I went ahead. It brought a long commute, much stress, emotional abuse and much anguish. Today I stand, unemployed and see that I never asked Him when, and I was so determined that perhaps I didn't hear the correct answer. My wants outweighed my listening skills.
We left two girls back in Colorado. I can't tell you the depth of depression I have been in because of that fact. I hid my feelings through working, focusing on housing and now setting up our home. As things start resting in place, my heart has been more exposed. Many tears have been shed. Much anger has been spewed. Silence has been heard.
We had two months to find our home. We put nine offers and nine different houses in an area that would be closer to Duane's work. Each one of them was rejected as other offers outbid ours. We leaned on what we wanted, not on where God was directing us. I can testify today that I stood on pride to be able to say that I moved out of state, and it eased my pride to say that I was returning but to a different location. I was ashamed to come back in the area we left. But God has a way of humbling us, and it will be on his timetable until we grasp where He wants us. After three months of temporary housing (AKA: a hotel), we put our tenth offer in, which was accepted .... back in the hometown we once lived.
Relocation isn't easy as it is, getting Courtney registered for school was a battle of its own. New laws have been passed, two different states with their own requirements and systems trying to blend together, and a roughness to the school we were assigned to were just some of the battles we were in, as I was dealing with the loss of the other two girls. I observed I quit parenting all together, as fear of losing the last was quickly approaching as we enrolled her for her senior year. I had to apologize to Courtney that I stopped being her mommy, and took back that role that I know so well.
Community has been our word for a few years now. Community is definently where we live now. But it is something that we are searching for too. We walk everywhere now, trying to make our presence known. We greet our neighbors, and trying to reestablish old friendships. But it is hard to have been away for nearly a decade and find where we fit in again. Places have changed, people have changed, society has changed. Where do we fit with all these changes? And finding a church home is the key. We're still looking where that will be. I know God will bring us to that place, as he has brought us home.
It has been a rough year and a half. We have gone through so much, so many feelings, and I can still testify that my feelings are still "raw". But I have grown. I have changed. I have gained many lessons along the way. I have been humbled, and admit that today even though I can say I have learned much, I can still say I have much more to learn too. It has been a rough journey ... but it has been all good too!
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