If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it.
Genesis 4:7
I admit this chapter isn't my favorite, but I read it this morning and saw how "human" it is. I was pretty much raised as an only child ... I am the only child on my mom's side, but my dad had another. However, in the summer my half-sister would come to stay a couple of months. It was rough for me. I went from "my" room to "our" room. Of course it was only natural for my dad to want to spend time with his daughter, but the jealousies would consume me. I did enjoy what would be lonely hours during the days, as my parents worked to be filled with someone else to share them with.
From the day I was born I have had my insecurities. I have questioned as to where I fit in, and what place I fit into. I have looked at others as "favored" and have thought much less of myself. It is just the way I have always been, something that I have had to work through and deal with. I think of a recent issue in our home, and how this insecurity was more likely the cause of the unnecessary argument, that not only impacted me but brought grief for my husband.
My girls have had the same unnessary arguments. I remember a period of time when I wondered if they would ever like each other when they were grown. Lindsay appeared favored with all the family relatives, Katie was the strong-willed child, and Courtney would just go back and forth to each sister, favoring one at a time while going against the other. The older two used the youngest to get toward the other ... one child was always left out, and one was always hurt.
Feelings are a huge part of who I am. I live in them, experience them, move in them and for them, and it seems so many times I'm consumed by them. It is just who I am. And I find it only fitting that God would gift us with three emotional girls. But who blames them, as they have watched these emotions control me all my life.
Today I see God's guidance for me: "it desires to have you but you must master it". God brought the right two people together. Me full of emotions, and Duane full of logic. I long to be more like him daily and there are times (usually when dealing with the girls) he wishes he was more like me. Our marriage is a good balance of the two. But Duane shows me wisdom so many times, as he controls the anger in midst of tensions in our home of girls. I would say for the most part "he has mastered it" and doesn't allow the temptation of anger, jealousies or bitterness grab hold of him. Oh to be more like that. I have the opposite problem, where I want to allow fighting words spew from my mouth, emotions physically tremble me, and the "logic" of them to debate the other person in whatever comes out of their mouth. I admit I have not "mastered it", but have allowed immaturity rather than wisdom define who I am.
Yet, God knows these feelings and temptations are there. God even gives us for warning that they are even there. And God tells us to master them. He also gives us the authority to be the master over them.
I can't say that I will all of a sudden master this temptation I daily deal with, but I can say I will start today. Today I will lean on Him. I will learn to listen to his warning. I will learn to master them in time. And I will take the authority given to me and be the master over these emotions of mine.
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