The Good Shepherd

 “The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leds them out.  When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

John 10:3-4

Thankful for Each of You

 “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:8-11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It is about time I recognize so many.  I have a story to tell.  And God has directed me to writing.  I just have chosen not to write, nor tell my story because I have believed that my story isn’t worth sharing … and truthfully … who reads this blog?  

I read this passage tonight in several translations.  And as I read it, I could identify with the words.  I could easily say “…I was crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure COVID-pneumonia, and I thought I would never live through it.  In fact, I expected to die.  But as a result, I stopped relying on myself and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  And He rescued me and will continue to rescue me again.  I have placed my confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue me.  And YOU are helping me by praying for me.”

I have so much to say, but I will start there.  I endured Covid, and five days later I was in the ER being diagnosed with pneumonia , and the day after I was back at the ER because my oxygen level was so low, leading me in the ICU for 11 days, and then 5 days in the hospital until I could go home.  Now two months later, I am still in recovery.  I still have oxygen attached to me constantly, and unable to work.  I depend on those around me.  Healing is coming, but slower than anyone anticipated. 

My husband and I never got to say goodbye as they whisked me away to ICU and he couldn’t stay with me.  We were totally separated.  I was afraid because he has all the answers and he would always look after me.  But for the first time in our 29 years of marriage, I didn’t have him to depend on.  Duane could call the nurses and hear updates, but the doctors and the hospital would never contact him or return his calls.  I was incoherent with sickness and drugged with medication; so we both didn’t know what was going on or the outcome.  I was put on the maximum oxygen intake one can receive.  They tried putting a pressurized mask on me without any communication which didn’t turn out well … and I was just shy of going on the ventilator.  Life was uncertain for me. 

The first two days life was so uncertain - and I didn’t know if I would see Duane ever again.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to love on my girls and experience the life I have come accustomed to.  I was scared.  I needed Duane near me and pleaded to go home the very first day.  But with no strength, no ability to take in air and no wellness whatsoever going home was not going to happen.  

Rest never came because Duane wasn’t there.  Rest also never came because fear controlled my mind and heart - I didn’t know what they were giving me, and I didn’t know all these faces coming in and out of my room; the sounds and the constant interruptions of vitals being taken wouldn’t let me sleep either.  Duane had called at one point and it was reported to him that I am not resting nor eating.  Duane sent me a text encouraging me to eat and sleep.  But he didn’t understand that I needed him.  

Sometime in those two days I realized the people I have known are more likely going to be seen again when we all meet together in heaven.  It also didn’t help that my boss had texted and said “see you on the other side”.  I had no fight within.  And finally peace filled me, and filled my room.  I had Jesus with me and was ready to just hold his hand and go with him.  I knew I was ok.  However, (as hard as it is to explain) I was encouraged to take one last look at what I was leaving.  I only got as far as looking at my husband and knowing we were just getting ready to celebrate 29 years of marriage and had plans to celebrate 30 years in another year!  God created me as a person who enjoys numbers … and I have always been determined to see those 30 years, and I didn’t want to miss it.  All of a sudden a big celebration wasn’t what was desired … I just wanted to hold Duane’s hand - no dinner, no flowers, no getaway - just his hand.  And that is when things changed for me … my soul seemed to wake and start to fight.  I was determined to live once again. 

There are many stories I will share with you in those 11 days in ICU.  Psalm 30 was the scripture I focused in on day and night.  I didn’t rest until I created a playlist to sing over me and make sure that I was worshipping not only when I was awake but I wanted my soul to worship as I slept too.  My mind had to be focused on Him - not the lack of Duane’s presence or the fear that would creep in.  In spite of my stay being much longer than I had ever visualized, I knew I was going to be ok because God’s word and our praise for Him doesn’t come back void.  

But there was another reason I came through this life and death situation … it was because of each of you.  Your prayers saved my life.  Your prayers opened the doors for Jesus to come.  Your prayers brought peace not only to me and in my room, but for Duane too.  Your prayers brought me healing.  Your prayers not only helped me physically - but emotionally and spiritually too.  Your prayers were so powerful - and “God will continue to rescue” because of your faithfulness in prayer.  

So today I give God thanks once again for bringing me through this, and saving me.  But I give YOU thanks too!  Your faithfulness was so good to me.  

~Karen

Rock Bottom

Tonight I put my fingers back on the keyboard and search out my heart, and be as transparent as ever with an audience I don't know … and perhaps an audience that doesn't exist - but the One that I need to start writing to once again.    This is the second night that I just can't sleep … and thoughts continue to run through my mind.  Thoughts of where God has me, thoughts questioning me and challenging me, thoughts that are difficult to share. 

The phrase "rock bottom" comes to my mind.  And I searched as to the meaning of it.  It often is referred to those who have somesort of addiction and they hit their lowest point possible in life and can't get any lower than where they are at due to their illness.  Another definition refers to be in a hopeless or difficult situation which makes you feel very depressed.  

That is where I feel I'm at.  I have hit my rock bottom. 

What do people do when they hit their rock bottom?  The internet suggests: 

1. Let yourself feel.
2. Take the time to reflect.
3. Have faith.
4. Be self-compassionate.
5. Engage in creative outlet.
6. Spend time in nature.
7. Listen to music.
8. Try new things.

And that is where I am at - at least some of them, and am doing it naturally.  I'm finally allowing myself to feel and sort through.  I'm trying to stand on what faith I have and hopefully it will grow through all this.  And as I write to you I hear my "prayer playlist" playing in the background.  

What does all this mean?  What am I getting at? 

No I don't have an addiction.  

But I feel I have hit rock bottom.  Duane and I have been enduing more than our fair share in a short amount of time.  We have pressed through.  And we are surviving.  Which means we are making it through.  Because of the circumstances, we have shared some but unable to share it all.  Our world has made it so we can't.  So we don't.  And many have walked away because the weight of it all is so heavy and frankly it is easier to just walk awy from it all. 

But someone like me … who needs to talk and process things outloud makes it hard to heal - and even hear from God when no one is there to just be a soundboard. 

As we go through the trials we are in, it is all wrapped in a name …that of lonliness.  We have our connections.  But do we have someone to call and talk to?  Do we have someone to hang out with?  Do we have someone to explore with?  Do we have someone to try new things with?  Do we have someone who will hold us accountable and pray with us as we walk the intimacy of these trials?  Not really.  We have held this wrapping for so long … I'm actually done with it.

I have hit my rock bottom. 

The thing about being at your rock bottom is that no one can bring you out of it.  There is only one - and I know Who that is.  I'm thankful that I have never left You far enough that I have to find You.  Or maybe I have. 

I don't know where it started … maybe the stress, the unknowing, the helplessness I have had when my dad was placed in assistant care for his Parkinson's   I honestly have feelings built up in this area that has been shoved in … because well, I have heard it isn't about me.  So I focus on his illness.  I focus on how my mom is handling it all and do whatever I could do to help … always feeling it wasn't enough.  I have focused on my daughters as they haven't dealt with a loss so close - at least one they remember.  

When I would visit my dad, he would mention others and didn't seem to have the same fondness for me as I have for him.  My dad means so much to me … and yet, as he has deteriated over the past year and a half I question as to what I mean to him.  My confidence has waivered. 

His situation only worsened as the world was shut down to the pandemic and then wildfires relocated him - which caused him bed sores so bad, surgery was the only solution.  And yet as I held my breath as I wonder if we would see each other again, he fought through it all.  He has been quarantined twice due to being in contact with those with covid, and just recently with another disease that was running through the facility.  And everytime he remains unaffected physically.  Yet he questions why we don't visit, and thinks we have moved on without him, and wonders about the love that covers him from his family.  His love for his wife runs deep.  Deeper than I have ever experienced.  I am grateful to see, and honored for the foundation I was built upon.  Yet, my confidence of his love for me continues to waiver. 

My heart feels lost.  I don't know how to show or express my love to him.  I want him to know how much I adore him.  Now today his mind is away - and I don't know where I am in his picture.  And it scares me.  It hurts.  And causes a lonliness that can't even be described.  

My mom started having some accidental falls after she had her knee replacement.  Concern filled my heart and I have tried to take the responsibility a child should offer ones parents.  My job had it's own demands and made me not the "best daughter" in the world, but I tried to make that 2 hour drive at least once a week.  It was at the very end of April that I heard of a bad fall that caused her to break her arm and I ran right down when I heard.  I made sure she had food and had a game plan; and was willing to be part of that plan if needed.  And then it was just a week later that I hear that she has fallen again - knocking herself out when her head hit the piano, waking to a pool of blood.  Eighteen staples was needed.  

I'm still worried about my mom.  She is all I have when I think of my extended family.  And we have gone through so much.  I have thought about her living with us - but know we don't have the ability in our home, and to give her a safe place without stairs.  Sometimes I'm mad because I have to deal with this - because I don't see her as old enough to need this care.  But most of all I'm trying to be the best child I can be and care for her - and because of my circumstances I am not even doing that. 

Last year, Duane has endured some medical issues.  Something that remains unspoken - completely   Something that we both have had to walk together.  Something that isolates us even more and something that has been a trial in our marriage.  As I tried to drift off to sleep with him tonght I know that part of our hearts are not dealing with the situation.   Ignoring it seems to be the easiest thing.  But is only a time bomb ready to go off to create devestation.  But it has made me so insecure - because lets just face it; men and women are so different.  He thinks with his mind, and I think with my heart and we just don't fully grasp one another. 

And then me.  Nothing too major.  Two concussions - within a matter of five days.  Something you would think would be easy to get over.  Fear has gribbed me as Alzeimer's has been spoken into my life for my future.  The seriousness of how I can not have anymore accidents or falls has paralized me.  The doctor says to rest for two months.  I have lost all freedom of driving and even walking by myself.  I'm thankful that my husband has been there to hold onto and for his extended hand of protection .. but also hate depending on him.  The symptoms that haven't left is frustrating because it has been so long.  I feel I have judgment from those who doubt it all - I wish they could see the world tilted in my eyes.  I am nauseous frequently because of the unbalanced motion of the world.  My home is my safe place.  I just found that I don't have cancer in the brain - and the thought they were even looking for that!  I wait for the specialist for another 1 1/2 months.  Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments, vitamin B, a machine to get all the bad stuff out of my water, and rest fills my days.  I'm ready for normalcy.  

And tonight I reach out to you because I can't hide the emotions anymore.  I have hit the point so low that depression does greet me with welcome arms.  I long to just run.  I long to run away from California.  I long to run away from my church.  I long to run away from everything I know.  

I keep remembering that we know You are good.  Yet I think of all that I'm walking through and ask myself - Do I believe You are good  - even though you are gradually taking my dad?   Do I believe You are good - even though my mom continues to have falls and now is facing surgery?  Do I believe You are good  - even though I have been put in a silent room with an illness that hurts a husband and wife?  Do I believe You are good - even though the world is unbalanced through my eyes and not better yet?  Do I believe you are good in the isolation?

So tonight, as I reach my rock bottom, I searched to see if you have anything to say about the matter … 

    That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When the floods came, the water tried to wash the house away, but it could not shake it, because the house was built well. 

Luke 6:48

It has been around 34 years now that I have chosen you in my life.  I have built that foundation on a rock. The floods are coming, and doing everything to wash all that I have away.  But today I stand on You - my Rock and can stand in confidence the choice I made 34 years ago will get me through this these days and these trials.  I hate to say that my rock bottom, can even get more rockier … but I choose you to be the Rock that greets me in it all.  

The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Savior.  My God is my rock.  I can run to him for safety.  He is my shield ad my saving strength, my defender. 

Psalm 18:2

God, I confess to you I want to run.  I want to take things in my own hand.  Tonight you grab my attention as you won't let me sleep - and I reach out to you and see that I need to run to You - not away.  I've been grumbling about all that has hit us.  I'm thankful for the lives that you have put into mine.  I'm thankful that you have not isolated me.  I am thankful that my parents are with me and You have drawn my mom and I closer than we have ever been.  I am thankful that my husband and I are able to hold hands more than ever.  I am thankful that our love remains and how You have proven that the greatest is Love. I am thankful that when I opened this blog that as been neglacted for so long that an unposted message greeted me and refocused my direction.  I am thankful that through this time of waiting for "normalcy" I have the opportunity to seek you even more.  

So are You a Good God?

You have remained.  You are faithful.  You make ALL things good and use even the brokeness to your favor. You heal.  You redeem. 

You are Good! 

The Assignment

It was a simple question that the pastor's wife asked of us.  To just post a picture of us standing in our favorite part of our home or property, and post another in our least.  I could have sent any ol' picture but for whatever reason this question really got my mind pondering.

And thanksgiving over flowed in my heart.  After days of pondering I realized what a testimony this home is.   What I have experienced in this home, I haven't experienced in any other home we had … at least to the depth.

We have recently remodeled a couple of rooms: our bathroom and kitchen.  It would be natural to take a picture in those rooms.  The kitchen is where I experience creativity and passion and able to serve.  And as much as I experience the joy of kitchen … it's not my favorite.  The bathroom is the gratest transformation:  something truly horrible and ugly now so purposeful and beautiful.  Isn't that Jesus in our lives?  How He transforms us from our horrible selves into something beautiful.  That could be it … but no, it wasn't it.

Do I post a picture of our sitting room?  That could it.  It is a room where plants surround me, reminding me of life.  It is a place I come and meet with Jesus in my quiet time, and where my intimate conversations take place with those I hold dear.  That could be it.  But I still had hesitancy as I thought about all the other rooms.

The laundry room, even though, the frequent mess of dirt trampling through and the collection of shoes still brings me a pleasant feeling.  The dining room is full of fellowship, intimacy, laughter and conversations. A place where I can serve those I love.  That surely could be it.  The family room is where the girls play their instruments and worship.  It has turned into our santuary where we have church now and we gather to watch movies, play games and where my husband holds me or my hand.  That could be it too.  Or what about the stairwell where so many pictures greet me and remind me of the good memories I have had with so many people.  Or what about our room with its solitude and the intimacy, love and embrace only a husband and wife share.  And the fourth bedroom .. storing the fun of games, creativity of crafts and sewing and such, and a place I can work or rather daydream as I stare out the window.  Or do I stand in the only room we liked when we purchased our home .. .the downstairs bathroom, the room we still love and are thankful for because it drew us here.  Or what about the rabbit coop where I'm greeted with so many cute faces and the fun they are.  And the back porch where I can sit and relaxe and soak up the sun and enjoy the beauty of the flowers that surround me.

As I pondered,  I have been grateful of all that God has blessed us with.  I have experienced His blessings in each room and each room is filled with His goodness.  I have a tangible reminder of a good God and the overflowing of goodness He has provided me.

I couldn't help but remember the day we found this house.  We had transitioned back to California.  We were trying hard to make something new, because we were determined to not return to the life and area we had known.  We were going to live somewhere new, somewhere different.  The realestate business was hot, and we had put eleven offers in different homes … all of them going at least 100,000 over asking prices - something we couldn't even compete in.  Our temporary housing was about up and we were running out of hope.  One thing happened after another, and we saw our now home on Redfin.  It met all the criterias, but I just didn't like it.  We placed an offer on the home still but way less than the offer, believing the bank would never accept.  But God always wins .. and the keys were ours.

I had a disagreement with Duane right after watching church on Sunday.  And true to form I retreated to

the place that always welcomes me.  I took my tea and poindered.  I was upset with my behavior and frustrated with my husband.  But I went and sat and confessed my heart to God there.  I sat and looked around and saw the beauty around me and thanksgiving filled my heart.  I felt close to God once again.  I realized then and there where my favorite spot was - my front porch.  It is there no matter what I'm going through my heart always sores towards Him and thanksgiving fills my heart.  It is there I welcome those into our home, and send off my love when they go - and God does the same with each of us.  I watch the birds, and the bumble bees and rabbit - even though it eats my flowers.  It's not my favorite door, and the porch needs some touching up - but in spite of that, God is with me.

The least favorite place in our home was just as difficult because each room is so good because God is part of each of them.  It could be the girls room as there are many times it is hard to find the floor … but because of the lives that fill them, I'm even fond of those rooms.  But then I remembered a room that intensifies my fear of the dark because there is no electricity, and the spiders and mice have been easy to find.  But also a place where we have had kittens born in there .. the detached garage, carriage house, shed or whatever you want to call it.

So today thankful that God not only gives us a testimony in our lives but in our homes as well.  And I am thankful He chose us to live here.

In All Circumstances I Will Give Thanks

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.  Live in peace with each other.  And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.  

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt.  Test everything.  Hold on to the good.  Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming o the Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:28

It was a week ago, as the administrator,  I discovered salary compared to my fellow workers.  Anger came with it.  I felt cheated, used and a big slap in my face.  Face it, my heart for my company, and my role is being taken for granted.  I even had thoughts of reverse discrimination on my heart and lips … as I know the comments that have been made in the past that revealed my boss's heart, and the circumstances my fellow workers face compared to my blessings.  I will confess bitterness, ungratefulness and ugliness filled my being.  And I was ready to give my notice.

It was all justified.

In the midst of this anguish, I have dealt with Duane's job and it's lack of leadership and how it's affecting my husband and his demeanor at home.  The shock of my peace and hope being robbed from me when I heard how after my dad's return home things aren't as they seem and now needs a permanent care facility.  Still finding my fit and purpose at my church and always question if I'm good enough.  And the continued battle of entitled customers who want to fight, intimidate and threaten - all over chicken.

It's been a very hard week.

I've been angry, bitter, hurt, and beaten this week.  Yet we turned the page of the calendar today. And we are now in the month of thanksgiving.  And I can't help but remember "give thanks in all circumstances".  I am reminded too I can change my circumstances with thanksgiving not just over my lips, but in my heart as we arre called.

I'm leading a Bible study about Gideon.  Priscilla Shirer reminds us "God designed your key specifically to fit the lock He has in mind for you.  He uses your weaknesses, the areas and places where you feel the least strong, to open a divine door".  God uses our weaknesses to show how strong He is, and a reminder of WHO He is.

Life is hard.  Life isn't fair.  But this season of Thanksgiving, may in mark a start of a heart of gratitude not for a month but for a lifetime.  And may I see my God in the midst of my circumstances and see not only what I have to be thankful for, but who I have to be thankful to.

I may have "reasons" to quit.  I may have an ungrateful employer.  But like the disciples in the boat, focusing on the storm that they were in the midst of instead of Jesus who was with them I too can shift my eyes off the circumstances and see the God I have to hold onto.  With Him I can find my peace, trust and comfort. I can see my weaknesses - my lack of education, my lack of experience, my financial mistakes, my bad behavior and anger towards everyone this week …. and see I have a God who provides enough, a God who remains faithful and protects, and a God strong enough to carry me through the storms, and will justify all that comes against me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds in these circumstances … but I do know if I shift my eyes I will have the highest regard because I continue to be a hard worker.  I am to be patient with those around me, hold onto good, be joyful always, be thankful continually.  And I am able to do these things if I shift my eyes toward Him and off the circumstances.  I'm God's vessel … those who come against me, are coming against the God who takes residence within me.  And as his word says:  "He is faithful and will do it".

I'm thankful for a job I enjoy.  I am thankful I have a setting that I can change someones day around.  I am thankful I am able to use my spiritual gifts, and even though I don't "preach" to those around me, most see the Jesus within me and treat me with respect.  I am thankful others feel comforted, encouraged, loved and appreciated by me and find me to be a safe place to come to to share their hearts and let me pray over them (even though they don't know that's what I do).  But more importantly I am thankful to a God who sees, who loves, forgives and will use a weak person like me with crappy circumstances and do something even greater to show how perfect and great He is.

Jonah … Or Rather … Karen

I have been laying low this week.  I have noticed that a bitterness that has taken over my soul, and am wise enough to know that I shouldn't be around people and affect them with my negativeness.  And I also know full well that there is only One who can remove such bitterness.  So this week I have been seeking.

My youngest came to me.  She is struggling with a reoccurring area in her life.  As she shared, I was able to discern that there was some lie she has bought into that she needs to shake off.  I was able to discern because I was dealing with the same thing … different lie, but a lie.

Today I felt a tug to enjoy a good story … Jonah.  I have always prided myself that I would go wherever God would have me go.  I'm a woman of obedience, but am I?

God sent Jonah.  He didn't want to go and ran.  But even in his disobedience those around him came to recognize how great God is and gave to Him.  God sent a giant fish to swallow Jonah and it was in the belly of the whale that Jonah knew there was only one who could save - and God did.  Jonah went to Nineveh, and spoke over the city.  Countless lives were changed as they turned from their evil ways and God had compassion on them.  Jonah became angry because he knew what kind of a God he served and that the people didn't deserve such graciousness and love. Jonah went off to sulk.  God provided a vine, which made Jonah happy and then God provided a worm to destroy it.  Jonah was so miserable from the heat and wind that he just wanted to die, and God reminded Jonah of who He was.

God sent me from Colorado to California a little over three years ago.  I didn't want to go, but I didn't run from it - at least physically.  I obeyed - physically, but emotionally I wasn't going to forgive God for tearing our family apart.  I resented Him.  And for the last three years I have been in the belly of the whale … misery from bills, a dysfunctional house, unrest in relationships, health issues
and lack of peace.  I have finally recognized fully of the God that saves, and that can save me and this week God has spit me out …. in Concord, California.  I can't say that countless lives have been changed because of where I have spoken over them, but I can say that I have developed countless relationships that have come out of the crevices of places these past couple of days.  God has compassion on them, and I have the privilege of not only having these people in my lives but I get to pray over them too.  God had compassion on them, as He has for me.  I still have held onto that seed of bitterness and have sulked that God didn't quite understand the fullness of how He affected me.  He provided a home that I have become accustomed to, and see so much potential in.  And it was less than 24 hours ago, I questioned if we would still have it, as we were uncertain of Duane's employment once again.  And it was in the conversation I had with my daughter, I am reminded of the God I have, and that He sees way more than I.

Oh Jonah … Oh Karen!


I read something yesterday; "interesting fact:  people over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter".  Now first let me let the world know … I'm not 50 yet!  However, the warning is just the same.  I remember my grandfather.  He loved me.  Yet, to be honest with my readers …. he was grumpy.  He always had reason to be grumpy.  He had an opinion about everything and judgment just the same.  He had a the brow of anger, and the tone in his voice just the same.  He lost his dislike for bitterness and it turned into a grumpy and a grouchy mess.  And unfortunately he'll have that remembrance.  I was heading toward the same direction.  But was wise enough to see there was a taste I didn't want to get accustomed to …. and I sought the truth.

I have believed a lie that "I get what I deserve".  So with that lie, comes the thought … I deserve to be away from my babies.  I deserve to have a broken family with miles apart.  I deserve this disruption in my life.  I deserve my lack of identity … because of another lie "I'm not good enough".  I never realized until yesterday the depth of these lies and their hold on me.  But enough is enough.  God has allowed me to recognize and today I am set free.

It wasn't about the move to California.  It wasn't about the goodness that God has displayed on me.  It wasn't even about the lies that kept me bound.  It was about me obeying God full heartily and full heartily trusting Him.  Not just trusting Him with my babies, but trusting Him that He saw something more.  Trusting Him that He will plant me and for me to be ready for whatever is to come my way.  Trusting Him with ALL that I am and ALL that I have.  Trusting Him with my identity.  It was about God breaking me free.

So today I sit in the solitude of our home, letting those things that are nagging attention to just wait.  I hear the promises, truth and prayers of the music surround me and let it carry my spirit.  And today I am ready to be unlike Jonah and just go full heartily.  I expect the best because I have a God that wants the best for me and those that surround me and have my heartstrings.  I serve a God who sets me free … and will set you free as well.

Through Loss … I see I Have Gained!

I had a huge scare that started this past Tuesday.  Some of you it is no big deal … but to me it was HUGE.

I lost my Bible.

I am a woman of routine and I looked through all the spots that it could have been and then all the spots that it would more likely not be.  We were in a rental car this week, and I had my husband search the car.  It wasn't there.  Then as any woman would do, I went to look through it … even twice, and even a third.  It wasn't there.  It was officially lost.

I had it Sunday.  We had an event at church where 26 people were baptized!  We had a celebration, and had lunch at the church.  Could I have left it there?  Possibly.  But I thought I remembered carrying it throughout.  

We just started attending this church a little over a month ago.  We have been in a season of Lack - connection, identity and even it began to pull on our hope and caused hurt and pain (that we are still working through).  I began to question if God even cared where we worshipped.  It has always been laid on our heart to be part of our own community.  I can't explain it, but the pull on our heart is GREAT.  We know with all our being that this was put on our heart by God himself.  This church is walkable, and I can't explain how surprised we are to find exactly what we have been looking for - and in our backyard!  

I remembered a few months ago, that my Bible was collecting a bit of dust (at least in my eyes).  Yes, it would be picked up for church and I would fumble through the pages in the sermon.  I would even pick it up on occasion to find a verse that was in my mind.  But the actually reading of the Book, I just was too tired to do so, and was frankly a bit bored with it.  When I realized this attitude that was within me, I prayed that my hearts desire would change and I would long for my Bible again.

Ever since we moved I have longed for an in depth Bible study.  I would find women's get togethers but not a study like I had longed for.  I was even willing to lead one if that is what it took … but then the issue would be "who would come".  Hopelessness started to wear it's toll on my heart in this area, and I started to just accept how we have to make the church more inviting and "friendly" to woman and connect differently.  I accepted it, but missed my studies where God became real and even more powerful that I have known Him to be.   I never prayed about it.  I guess I figured God knew what He was doing and it was time for an "update" for my longings in the area of a women's study.

Courtney came to me and asked if I would do a Bible study with her.  She wanted to learn more about the pages she was reading, and understand its meaning.  My heart soared.  I borrowed a Beth Moore study from the church we were going to, and we have been in the word ever since.  I have been doing bits and pieces of my study and work, and when I'm looking up my scriptures I use my app on my phone.  But Tuesday night I wanted to open the actual pages, hear the crinkle of them when I turn them, smell the pages, read the gazillion notes and perhaps even add to them.  But it was no where to be found.

Wednesday morning on my way to work, I stopped by the church that was still unfamiliar to me.  I greeted those who greeted me with a smile, and asked if my Bible was found.  After giving a description and us looking at all the possibilities it was just not to be found.  My heart just sank.  But I was invited to cooperate prayer that evening … I mean it was a genuine invite.  And it was refreshing to receive.

I arrived to work, and this particular day I was my happy self, but just deeply saddened inside.  I never knew how attached I had become to this Book.  I remembered the dates of dedications and baptisms that were in there.  I thought back and realized that this was my very first study Bible that my husband helped me pick out.  It has to be 25 years old.  That means there are 25 years of notes in the margins and highlighted verses.  I might not know what my Bible references are, but I knew where to find them on the page in my Bible.  There were ripped pages, and tear stained pages.  It is this Bible that I would read scriptures that would leap of the page at me, and help me realize that the God I have is a loving, gracious companion and has everything under control.  This Book brought me hope in the times when I felt hopeless, encouragement when I was down, and offered prayers when I didn't know what to say.  I found many answers in this Book.  I also took it for granted.

I realized yesterday my Bible had become more to me than I ever imagined.  My Bible had become a long time friend.  My Bible was my lifeline.  And now it was lost.

I had even prayed that I was willing to let it go, if it would make another's life richer.  But my heart still broke within.

With all the demands of work and errands, I still felt prompted to go to prayer.  I didn't understand why I was prompted, and even questioned if I heard the prompting right.  Afterwords, I saw someone I knew and I told her that I was a bit down as I had lost my Bible.  She helped me look one more time. The usual places.  And I saw some people that had smiles on and hearts of warmth and would greet me in my search.  Genuine people.  Happy people.  I even ran into the pastors, and they would keep their eyes out, and gave me encouragement - except when they were empathetic, which only made me realize more of what I was missing.  Upon my leaving, another pastor came in our path, and the lady mentioned about the loss of my Bible.  He had saw it.  He picked up something that wasn't it, and my heart sank even lower - and he looked in an unusual spot … and then handed me my Bible!  I hugged him, as I hugged my Bible.  

This morning I look at my Bible and know the comfort and strength I have because it is near to me, and I have it available to go to.  Yes, I could have used the other Bibles in the house, but they weren't enough for me.  This Bible and me go way back and we have taken many journeys through valleys and mountain tops together.  

It was through this journey that I realized God hears my deepest prayers, the prayers that I would call even the silliest prayers.   God made me long for my Bible and made me see the value within the pages and made me see even the value I have with Him through these pages.  

And within the last 48 hours I have seen that God has answered the deep cries of my heart.  There are crevices that I would cover, thinking they weren't necessary to bring to God.  But God has shown me through Bible study, through a new church, and the journey to recover my Bible He cares about the little stuff and the spiritual walk we are on.  I'm so thankful He does!

It's Time To Get OUT Of That Couch!

We have three cats.  Mine, Courtney's and Katie's.  When we moved to Colorado, it was the same time Katie was moving into CSU…dorm living, which meant her cat had to remain with us.  Zelda (Katie's cat) didn't have a person anymore.  My heart bent toward her, and I felt sorry for her having to not only transition the 1200 miles drive but without a person.   We became close and she became used to living under my favor.

The cats get a long for the most part, there are times when they let each other know they want to be left alone or they just don't want to play.  Over the past couple of years, Zelda had been claiming me and my cat (Zoe) didn't accept that well, and at times has made it clear to Zelda that I'm hers.

The past few months.  Zelda has come out of her shell and become the cat she is.  She is comfortable to roam around and do what she wants … even if the other cats are annoyed with her.  It's actually a good thing to see.  We have seen her live in freedom of being who she is and freedom of living under our favor.  It has brought me great joy to watch her scamper around, or cuddle near me.

Until.

Katie moved back home a couple of weeks ago.  She brought a cat with her.  A cat that is still young and wants to play all the time….rough and tumble kind of play.  It is the size of Zelda.  And to make matters worse, it's a boy.  We have been living in a house full of hissing and scolding.  The water bottle is always near by to remind the new cat that he has to be nice to the other cats.  My cat knows her place, and walks around comfortably because she knows she has the authority to put the new cat in his place if necessary.  She walks in her authority and her confidence.   Courtney's cat doesn't like this new cat.  And she'll let out a blood curdling cry when the cat is even near her, and is constantly hissing at him.  She will go to where she wants to, skittishly, but still knows this is her home and she belongs here and knows she is loved.   She walks in love and the a knowing of what is hers.

And then there is Zelda.

We haven't seen much of Zelda the past couple of weeks.  I'll get her in our room at night and she'll come up on my bed in the morning (not during the night, as she used to).  She still comes out for her breakfast, but will hide shortly after and not eat for the rest of the day.  She has lost weight.  I have discovered where she has been hiding.  She has taken the bottom fabric that is on the bottom of the couch off and has been living inside our couch.  When I dig her out of the couch and grab a hold of her, she clutches on with her claws in my shoulder as she watches to make sure the other cat isn't around.  And to make matters worse she will have accidents because she has to walk across the house to the cat box and possibly be seen by the new cat.  She walks in fear.

The other day I pulled her out from her hiding and put a lot of love into her.  I looked at her and said "Don't you know, all of this is yours?  Not his, but yours?  This is your home, you are ours, not him.  You have authority over him and you walk in favor.  You can walk away from your fear and walk in much confidence of who you are and that you are ours.  You have been given much."

Just as I said those words … I felt God tug at me "I've been saying the same to you".

Then I searched my life lately.

I haven't been happy because of a situation I am in.  I have been trying to make the right choice, but question God's will in it constantly.  I have been living in confusion as I am not completely sure as to the direction God has me to go.  But it comes down to fear.  Fear has gripped me hard.  I just didn't know I was living in it.

So I searched my heart.  I'm afraid of making our comfortable lifestyle not so comfortable.  I'm afraid of putting the full weight on my husband and stressing him out and what that could result in.  I'm really afraid of not making the right choice.  I'm afraid of not pleasing God, my Father.  I'm afraid of how others judge me.  I'm afraid of confronting the person I will need to do.  I'm afraid of the guilt and manipulation that will come my way.  I'm afraid of being wrong.   I'm afraid of letting something go that I have loved for so long.  I'm afraid of the impact it could create on the trips that are planned this year.  I'm deeply afraid ...

So I run and hide.  I am hiding in my fear and allowing the fear to run its course on me.  I'm not living comfortably now because I'm not living at all.  I'm putting my full weight upon my husband now as I'm constantly seeking and asking his advice, then doubting he is fully understanding and knowing what circumstances could come our way.  And it's causing friction between us.  I'm already not pleasing God because I'm not doing as he wants, and letting fear be my God.  I'm letting others control me and hurt me.  And the person I am afraid to confront is controlling me now and coming into our household in an unhealthy manner.  I'm walking in the wrong direction now.  And I'm holding onto something that isn't mine to hold onto anymore.  And to top it all off, I'm not trusting in God to come and take care of all the details He wants to do.

Where have I gone wrong?

I have forgotten who I belong to.  I have forgotten who He is and what He is able to do.  I forgot that He has given me much and can walk comfortably in his favor.  I have forgotten that he has given me authority.  I have cowered down to fear and surrendered who I am and all that I have to it.  Life has been miserable, joy is absent, yet grumbling and complaining are constant.  And to make it worse, I have affected everyone who is around me.   I have been disobedient.

I need to be like the other cats.  I need to walk in authority and confidence of who I am and who I belong to.  I need to walk in the love I know God has for me and a knowing of what is mine.

It's time to walk in truth.  It's time to face my fears and knock these giants down.  And it is time to surrender to the One who knows me, the One that loves me and finds favor with me, and the One that says I am still His.  

It's time.

And since it is my time … Zelda it is your time too.  We can do this together!

Through The Storms Of Life

I flew back to Colorado to get my daughter and bring her home.  We rented a vehicle to drive back with all her things.  You can never predict the weather in Colorado or Wyoming, so it is always an adventure and you never know what you are in for.

As we were driving, we left the comforts of the 70 degree weather, with blue skies and puffy white clouds and went into the mountains to be greeted by snow, still with blue skies and puffy white clouds.  As we continued, we could see ahead the clouds where clearly a storm was ahead, where the darkness of the sky met the earth and you couldn't distinguish the separation of the two.  As we continued the storm became darker and scarier. The road continued right into the storm.

There was no getting around it.  Anyone who knows Wyoming, knows there is a lot of nothing,including choices of roads and even shelter.  We had to continue.  I gripped the steering wheel and continued on, and feared what I was in for.

As I gripped on to the steering wheel, I gripped on to Jesus as I muttered prayers under my breath.

When we entered the storm, we entered hard rain … the kind of rain that the window wipers couldn't move fast enough, we entered 32 degree weather which brought some snow mixed into the rain.  We journeyed on and got through to the other side …. then I could only see the storm in my rear view mirror.

I remembered a childhood book the girls used to love:  Going on a Bear Hunt.  It talks about going on a bear hunt and having to go through long wavy grass, a river, mud and a cave.  They can't go around these obstacles, or over or under it … the only way to go is through it.  Sometimes God brings us storms in life.  Sometimes storms just come whether God brings them or not.  We can't go around them, over them or under them, as much as we want or even try … we have to go through them.

As I looked in the rear view mirror I saw what I went through.  And I felt God prompt me as to why I was so scared, after all it wasn't all that I had feared.  And as I looked in the mirror again it was because of the storms I have endured in the past.  I knew how bad the storm could be … I was fearful of the baseball hail that I could have endured and this time without any coverage.  I was fearful of a tornado forming.  I was fearful of the lightening that could fall from the sky with such power and put it's mark on the land right next to me.  I was fearful of a blizzard coming out of no where … all these things I have endured in the past, and I knew what was possible when the storm was before me.

I remembered Luke 8:22-25.  Jesus and his disciples were in the boat, and Jesus was sleeping while the disciples were battling a storm…fearful as they endured it.  They feared for their lives.  Jesus is all his sleepiness and calmness calmed the storm and asked: "Where is your faith?".

God reminded me that storms are going to come and go.  Some are greater than others, as they are all not the same.  Fear shouldn't ever stop me with any of them.  Where is my faith?  Faith is gripping on to Jesus during these storms, but faith is also knowing who is with me and who I am in Him.  The storms of life don't have a hold of me, as He is greater, and He has given me authority to be greater than them too.  

And just as He has given me the authority over these storms … He has given the authority to you.  Conquer your storms.  Grip on to Jesus.  And take authority.  It is yours.

Lesson at the Doctor's Office.

My soul seems to be stirring so much lately.  I can see it as a good place to be, but I also see it as a frustrating place to be.  I need clarity and direction.  And I can't seem to find it. 

A couple months ago, I just gave up in Chick-fil-A and put my two weeks in.  They were able to talk me out of leaving, but I did cut my hours back considerably.  I just needed some time to figure out what life holds in store for me. 

A couple months ago, the CASA office was hitting all the green lights for me to "go" and be certified to be involved.  Being that everything was being forced and going at lightning speed, I put the breaks on, because I need to know that is for sure where God wants me.  The busyness people cause, makes me not able to hear clearly.  And I need to hear God's voice.

It's so hard to explain, but my soul seems to be searching and confused.  I'm constantly looking for "what's next", what my current "purpose" is.  And nothing comes about.  I look at my job, and say "surely, there is something more for me".  And with the same eyes that see the job, see lack of hope there.  So I want to leave … and run, and never turn back.

My daughter was sick earlier last week.  She had her umpteenth case of pink eye … but this time it was really bad and in both.  We do things naturally, and give illness there time.  But this time, it was in me that we needed the big guns of medication, and a doctor to look at her.  

I made the appointment.  

I had other appointments that day, and put her appointment in the midst of mine, and thought it would be doable.  The receptionist told me to call back, knowing my schedule if I wasn't able to make it on time, because they were able to adjust accordingly.  

My first appointment took longer than expected.  I had to call and make the change.

We showed up fifteen minutes early for her doctor's appointment.  And we waited.  Two people who had the time slots for fifteen minutes after our appointment showed up.  And were called back.  We still waited.  

We finally were called back.  My daughter's vitals were taken, weight and height and we were put in the exam room.  Where we had to wait even longer.  I kept looking at the time, because I knew another appointment was after this.  The person knew what was going on, and knew I'd be late, but still I wanted to respect our appointment time to the very best of my ability. 

The doctor came in.  Arm braces and all.  

He moved slower than you or me, as he juggled his crutches, the chart and us.  I wanted to ask Him, but knew better and didn't.  He was the doctor.  He got around the exam room constantly swinging his body around, but focused on the reason he was there…. my daughter and her illness.

I felt God tugging at my heart.  I heard him whispering into my spirit.  "You don't see me on the other side of the door.  I am in the midst of something, have patience.  It will be revealed to you soon."  

I continued to watch.  And I admired that doctor.  

He was labeled with something … MS, a stroke … I don't know, but something.  He didn't allow it to stop him.  He had a vision and direction to continue his doctoring.  And he continues.  No matter if Satan is trying to stop him.  He continues. I'm sure he has hard days.  But he perseveres.  

I swallowed hard.  I remembered the girls childhood book by Max Lucado "You are Special".  I remember all the stickers that Punchinello gets labeled with, and how they start falling when He comes to know his Creator and then they start falling.  

Have I picked up labels?  Have I looked at my vision and direction and judged it as not being good enough and stopped doing what I'm intended to?  Perhaps.  But more so, I need to just rest in patience and wait for the door to open for me and know my Creator.  Spend time with Him as I wait.  It is there I will find the door.  It is there I will find the strength to persevere through what He has called me to do.  It is there I will find patience.  And it is there my soul will find rest and calmness.

It is with my Creator I wait.  

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

Colossians 1:10-12

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galatians 5:22

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"-

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Do You See Me?

I was cleaning once again.  I had an old study from Beth Moore in the background.  In the midst of being lost and the loneliness I have been in, I asked God … "Do you see me still?".  A smile was there with a promise, that He did.  I continued to clean.

Knowing you aren't alone is what each person needs in this life.  Those who end their lives because they are alone, never knew and truly believed that they aren't.  The One that created the very intimate crevices of their heart with such intent is the One that will never leave.  

I am thankful that the Creator of my Soul wants to be with me … even in the grime and filth.  He still smiles when He sees me.

And He still smiles when He sees you.  He created you with purpose.  And because He is the creator, no matter what you do, no matter how dirty you become in your work and play … He is God and His intention will win out.  No matter what you think.  He wins.  He is above it all.  

I sat last night looking at an emblem.  What I saw was God confined.  And saw the untruth in it.  But I did see the truth that we as humans have a tendency to think "Oh God must think I messed up so much, He can't still love me … " or "Oh I could never be accepted by God"… "only good people, He is pleased with" … and the thoughts continue.  LIES!  As I daydreamed looking at that emblem, I saw the truth of God rising above it all … God is everything.  God takes us dirty and makes us clean. God is not limited.  God takes all your thoughts and feelings of unworth and will show you … you are worth EVERYTHING to him.  

Hold on.  Hold onto a God that is bigger than you can imagine.  Hold on.  Grasp his little pinkie and He'll show you the rest.  He loves you.  He made you.  He loves what He created.  You aren't bigger than Him and can't mess it up.  Hold on.  

You are loved.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am wonderful, I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

I'm So Much Like My Cat!

I love my cat!

I can tell you everything about my cat.  Her name mean "life", and I named her that because we were in a season where loss and death were all around us, and I needed "life".  She has extra long hair around her neck, making it look like she has a mane. She gets hot quite easily, so doesn't like to cuddle as much.  She has a stipe down her nose, that looks just like a pencil.  She has little light strokes of a lighter color above her right eye that makes it look like she is wearing eye shadow.  She LOVES breakfast!  She'll wake me up by laying on my face and purring.  If I don't budge, she'll go over and open the shutters.  When I ask her "what do you say?" when she is waiting for her scoop of breakfast, she'll meow her "please".  She usually greets me at the door when I come in and seeks a hello.  She loves to sleep on her back.
 I know her favorite toys. She loves to be held over my left shoulder, and hang over to see.  She loves her front paws massaged.  At night she "cuddles" for about five minutes as she climbs under the covers and stretches out next to me.

I KNOW my cat!

I take her with me on occasion in the car.  It isn't her favorite thing, but she'll go.  She starts the car ride out usually under the seat, and after time has passed she'll come out and join us on her blanket.  She'll voice herself to remind me that she is still there on a rare occasion. After we return home, she allows me to carry her in, and when she comes into the house she walks over to the other cats, making it known that she had time with me...and seems quite pleased with herself.

The one thing that saddens me about my cat is that she doesn't like to cuddle.  If only she knew how much I love her.  I want to hold her over and over again. 

I'm reminded of my Heavenly Father.  How much He knows of me.  He knows every detail .. how many hairs on my head, and freckles on my face.  What brings me joy ... and what hurts.  He knows the desires he has placed in my heart, and he knows what makes me really angry.  He knows my favorite things.  And even knows my quirks and habits.  He knows my thoughts ... and even my feelings. 

He KNOWS me!

He takes me on a journey from time to time.  Sometimes these journeys aren't my favorite thing to do, but I'll go.  I sometimes hid along the way, as I'm a bit fearful.  But at some point in the journey I come out, because I know God is there and I'm safe.  After my journeys with God, I come home and am quite pleased with myself as I have had my own special time with God, himself.

But I realize as I go through life, with all the bruising and scraps along the way.  I try and try to do things the way I see fit, I try to hold onto the struggles instead of them holding onto me.  But I can't help but wonder how sad my Creator is that I just don't allow myself to be held.  I don't think I know fully how much He loves me and wants to hold me ... over and over again.

I sure love my cat ... how much more does God, the Creator and Author, the Almighty love me!

Be Still and KNOW

On a rare occasion we could have an overcast day ... ALL day.  If I was back in California, the would be a normal winter day.  However, we live in Colorado ... we have only a few of those days, and in the summer, not winter.  This summer we seemed to have more than normal.

Our family is just like yours.  We have our good days.  We have our bad.  We have our challenges, and our mountains to climb, just like anyone else.  And we also face our storms.  This summer my husband has been home ... everyday.  He was laid off on April 30th from the job that brought us to Colorado in the first place.  We planned on this being a temporary situation...one month off at the max.  But we are getting ready to face five months off.  He has had some interviews, only to hear a polite "sorry, we are going with another candidate".  We wonder if age is a role in all this.  We point fingers at the job he once had and start blaming the problems they have caused.  Regret comes in as he didn't finish his college degree.  Fear comes in.  Fear goes as we continue to trust in God.  Wondering what God's will is remains the daily question, for the past five months.  Bitterness comes.  Bitterness goes.  Doubt comes.  Doubt goes.  This is our storm, our mountain even.  We don't know where we are in the climb either ... are we still at the beginning and have more days like this?  Or are we somewhere in between?  Have we reached the top yet?  Are blue skies even in the forecast?

We went for a drive to get away from this mountain and storm we face each day and it was one of our overcast days.  God showed me something.

Being that we were heading in the middle of "no where", I could literally see miles and miles of clouds.  Not one break.  But yet no matter how dark the skies were, I knew it was daytime, and I even knew that somewhere behind those clouds the sun was there.  The knowing is certain.  The sun remains.  It is there. 

"Be still and know that I am God;"  continues to rattle in my brain these days.  It is the answers I hear to so many prayers.  I have questioned how to even be still.  Do I quit my job, and sit?  Or do I just simply silence my speech?  Do I just trust?  I don't know what I'm suppose to do but just "be still".  But my battle remains:  what does this look like?

Yet I see this cloudy sky. 

I know there is a sun behind the clouds.  And being that I even know the direction I'm heading and the time of day it is ... I can have a good guess as to where exactly it is.  However, being that I'm moving 75 miles per hour on an interstate, in a different time zone and even in an area I'm not completely familiar with ... I would be surprised to find out that my guess of where the sun is, is off.  But if I were to sit still, if I were to watch and see and study the days prior to this storm I would know exactly where the sun is when the storm rolled in.

And there you have it. 

"Be still and know that I am God."

Watch.  See.  Study.

And when the storms of life roll in, and the mountain climb seems too strenuous you too will know where the son is in all this.  You may not see him, but you know full well He is there and exactly where He said He'll be.
 

 

Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10

 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;

he will never eave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid;

do not be discouraged

Deuteronomy 31:8

 

Do not be afraid.

Stand firm and you will see the deliverance

the Lord will bring you today.

The Lord will fight for you;

you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:13-14

 

God is Faithful, No Matter What!

If you could see my list of posts, you would see many that have been started, some edited, but none finished.  Thoughts have come and gone, as well as feelings.  I have questioned; "what difference does it make, whether I write or not", and I have had internal pressure of "what in the world do I write about, the stuff we're going through just stinks". 

As Christmas is quickly approaching, so is New Years.  I have grumbled a lot through 2013, yet also in what little wisdom I have I don't want to forget it all either.  Only for the fact, I have to see what God has done through our trials, and what He is going to do to change our "luck". 

It has taken a lot of time, counseling to mourn the loss of a boy we once called our son.  As we have grieved, we have also received a lot of judgment and condemnation.  We have gone through anger as well as hurt, all of which has left us isolated and alone.  As much as we hated being in such quietness, sometimes those places are a great place to be, for God reminds me time and time again that He is the One that is forever faithful and is our Forever Friend.  He never leaves us or forsakes us.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I would be lying if I told you that these emotions are done and over with, we still walk through them.  A matter of fact, today was a day that tears streamed down my cheeks, as I was expressing my concern for the boy we let go of.

We have endured family members expressing how they have been against the whole adoption thing from the beginning.  And even though just writing those words sting, it is a reminder of how powerful our words are.  We have the power to bless and curse those around us.  I've tried to watch my words more these days, but I still need to grow in this area.  I definitely want to bless those I love, and even those I don't know.  God calls us to love one another.  Love is more than kindness and that fuzzy feeling.  It is support, understanding and walking with one another.  I have so much more loving to do ... I admit sometimes it is hard, but I want to master this command.

I have dealt with many health issues.  Nothing real serious, but a lot of time and money spent at the doctor's office.  It is amazing what an abundance of stress can do to one's body.  I even made a "splash", shall we say when I ended up on the floor at work, as I fainted.  Thankful not only for caring co-workers, but also an off duty fireman who was eating his breakfast at our store that day.  And that episode gave me the rest of the week off.  I've been learning how to eat, or rather, what to eat all over again.  I'm just starting to get the hang of it.  I've lost some weight, with the new diet, and look forward to loosing more!  God is our healer, and with a change of diet and time with Him, things are way under control.

A few years ago we learned how Courtney was allergic to sugar and honey.  We have managed to stay away from the honey, the sugar was always the battle.  She didn't want to feel "different" when in school.  Well, we finally decided to take it seriously, to Courtney's leading.  So she and I have been sugar-free since August.  The results:  no stomach issues!  She and I feel so much healthier.  God has shown me how I have been so addicted to sugar, and how much I don't need it ... but so need Him.  I haven't desired to go off this sugar-free and gluten-free (just me) diet, because I don't want anything to pull me away from Him.

We have had some challenges in parenting.  Out of respect of my family, the details can remain quiet.  I can just share though, I have never relied on God as much as I have lately.  I have questioned everything I've done.  And see that I'm so little, but also see how much bigger He is!  I am reminded of Proverbs 22:6:  "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  I wasn't and currently am not the best parent in the world, but I have given it my best...my full heart was in it.  Now I hold onto God's promise in this verse, that He will bring each of my girls back to him and his ways.  Truth is in them, good is in them as well as love...they won't go away from it.  Parenting isn't easy, is it?  I don't think I make things easier on God either.  Not only do I have to learn to parent, but also be a better child to the King of Kings! 

Rumor has it, that Duane will be looking for a new job at the beginning of next year.  I admit that I was so fretful and worried over this.  However, once I remembered how God has gotten through each job change, God has given something bigger and better to us.  And with that I have swallowed hard, and told Duane to go ahead and look for a job - even outside of Colorado.  Ever since I released it, we have had peace ever since.  So much peace that I don't think we will be moving, and I'll even be so bold to say that Duane won't be needing to look for a job.  However, even if I'm wrong, I know God always gives us something better.  It is hard to imagine life better than Colorado, but if He moves us it will be better. 

We have lost some pets this year, and the soothing comfort they once brought, was gone when they left.  However, God has restored our joy and brought us a new kitten in our lives.  We all laugh almost daily for something she has done.  She is a great gift in a year of strife. 

Church has always been our home and family.  We were part of a church plant for a year, that was a hour away - door to door.  God has made it clear to me over and over, with a full burden in my heart to be part of our community.  I have enjoyed getting to know some of my "neighbors" at my workplace, but it still wasn't enough.  We attended another church, but it was too a half hour away...not the community where we live.  So we went back to the drawing board.  We had a frequent guest in our restaurant who was a youth pastor.  One thing led to another, and Katie and Courtney started at the youth group.  Shortly after, we started attending the church finding ... we LOVE it and being part of our community.  We are in the process of having a small group in our home, and Katie is heading to the Bahamas for a mission trip.  Life is opening up as we continue in what we are calling our new home and family.

My work continues to do well.  I'm getting to know our guests more and more each week, and am blessed to have so many friends.  I call everyone my "favorite", and each one encourages me more than they know.  Which is a reminder of how we don't always know how much we influence one another ... those we know, or those we don't.  I want to be a source of encouragement to all I meet each day. 

Courtney had another mole removed, which ended up precancerous again.  So she will permanently have dermatology appointments twice a year, instead of the year appointments she worked up to.  I'm thankful God reveals truth - even at the doctor's office and catches everything that needs to go.  As I write this I wonder if there is anything in my life at all that needs to be revealed and needs to go.  He is faithful and will do so if needed. 

I'm home schooling Courtney now...well, part-time.  Three subjects, soon to be four.  I will be thankful when this will be done, but thankful it is an option to be able to let Courtney accomplish all the classes she needs.  But it keeps me busy.  And now with Christmas approaching, finals in high-school and more busyness at the store, we're a bit behind.  But thankfully for a Christmas break that will get us caught up.

So yes, we have been enduring some lengthy and emotional hardships, God has remained faithful in 2013, as well as whatever is ahead.  We're ready for a change of "scenery" and hopeful new things are coming for the Archibald family in 2014. Even if not, we have learned to hold God's hand a little tighter these years.  And thankful for God who sees all.  He sees each tear, each hurt, each challenge we walk through ... he sees the heart behind it all.  And holds us closer than ever.  For Him, I am thankful.