My Perfect Counselor

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  

You guide me with your counsel,and afterward you will take me into glory."  

Psalm 73:23-24

I have endured life challenges and have a sensitive soul, so it won't surprise you when I mention that I seek counseling throughout my life.  My counselor has helped me so much and has helped free me from the torments I have put in my mind … and heart.  

Life continues to throw it's challenges and discouragement, and has a tendency to overwhelm me, and I had to make an appointment to seek my counselor once again  - making sure I'm thinking straight and to help me with balance in my life, and just a place I can unload.  I'm grateful for him.  And I'm grateful for the technology as I continue to use the same counselor who has walked with transitions and hardships in Colorado, as I move on with life in California. 

Counseling.  A safe place I can be true with what is going on.  A place I feel heard.  A place I seek wisdsom, advice and accountability.  A place I have someone on my side.  I place I can receive empathy and compassion in and unempathetic and uncompassionate world.  I don't like admiting I need counseling during those rough times, but once I go I enjoy going all the same and have a hard time letting go when it comes to an end. 

My God.  The ultimate Counselor.  The safe place where I can run to and where I can be true and feel heard.  The perfect source of wisdom, advice and accountability.  He is always there for me and on my side.  I not only receive empathy and compassion but wisdom and truth. My pride keeps my from admitting that I need counseling and perhaps the rough times come often so He can remind me how much I need Him.  

At the end of each counseling appointment come the payment.  I'm reminded that I'm seeking professional help, not the connection of a friendship that comes freely.  But as I prayed and recognized God this morning I not only have a friendship that has never walked away but He has paid the ultimate price for me.  He sent His son so I can come to him without any payment.  

Thank you God for your sacrafice.  And thank you God for being the perfect counselor. 

My Prince of Peace

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rest."

Luke 2: 8-14

I hear this passage and I sense a calmness in the story.  Peace came to the shepherds.  I'm sure they were startled and perhaps even fearful of what they were seeing, what they were experiencing … but all in all peace surrounded them.  I sense a quietness and stillness also in the moment … as the moment stood still as they grasped what was being told to them.

This time of the year we hear the word "peace" quite often.  However … do we live in a moment of peace?  Drivers cutting in and making wrong decisions so they can get to where they are going and honking at you to get out of the way, shoppers getting cranky and downright rude as they feel the pressure of Christmas coming closer and they have still way too much to do, and just society becoming more focused on our own selves than who we are doing life with - peace is hard to find sometimes, and sometimes down right impossible.

I sit here with a knot in my stomach, one that just won't unwind.   I wrestle with my dad not only being put into an assistant living home, but how fast his disease is taking him.  I wrestle with the decisions ahead that I'm not really part of but hearing about - whether I agree or disagree isn't the issue, but the confusion and exclusion I'm dealing with.  I wrestle with my connection to other family members with all this and helping my daughters walk through this as well.  I wrestle a lot with what I'm dealing with at work.    I hear things, see things that just aren't right.  Confusion is part of my circumstances.  Being pulled in many different directions, being a support to those around me as well as being the one everyone wants to talk to - because "I'm a little easier".  And in the midst of all this we decide to do remodeling.

My stomach hurts.  The knot just doesn't want to loosen.

I know I need to sit with my God.  However, what do I say?  What do I open my Bible to?  What do I do?  After all, He knows everything and sees what I'm going through.  How do I release it?

Christmas we call out Peace.  But yet we don't experience peace.  Life is cruel and gets in the way.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For me yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

I don't have to have the answers, for Jesus is the answer.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow because He has it taken care of.  I don't have to figure out what is right and wrong because He is the truth and wins in the end.  I know this full well.

Jesus came.  And all He asks is for me to come to Him.

 don't have to have an agenda, or know where to open my Bible to, or even know what to say.  I just  to come.  He will take care of it all.

So today  come.  I ask all the emotions, turmoil and details I'm going through with my Dad He will handle.  I surrender the hurt, anger, and confusion for His peace.  I come.  I surrender.  And I receive His peace He has to offer.

I chose to walk away from the troubles of this world, and just come to Him and sit.  I receive His peace.

I chose to walk away from my job today and let Him be the center.

I chose Peace.  I chose Him.  And I receive the Peace that entered this world years ago is entering me today.

Simply come.  Simply receive.

S-t-r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t-c-h!

That's the word today in my study.  To be stretched.  To make yourself available to God, and to simply say yes.  It is also something that hurts when doing but make
s room for strength and conditioning.  It's a good thing.

The challenging question for me is … where is God stretching me?  I feel like for the first time in a long time, I'm at a place that I'm getting comfortable in.  So why am I not being stretched?  Or am I?  Or greater … uh oh …. am I about to be?

It's not a secret that I am adopted.  I have talked about how emotionally and spiritually impactful that was for me a few times.  It's also not a secret that we have pursued adoption a few times, only to have them fail.  I have worked through all the emotional scaring and impact these have had on me.  I believe I am over it.

Yet, why are these things coming up in my life again?

I don't know.  I am also confident in saying that I have no desire to pursue anymore or have any layers left to work through with my story.  I'm done.  I'm in a good place.  Yet …

I have seen in my previous post of how I was able to connect with someone at a deeper level, reach someone no one else was able to reach.  Today I was able to share with another of how we have something more in common, which has connected us more.  What is God doing with my story?

Today in my study I am reminded of how guarded I am at church.  I have been deeply hurt by "the church" a couple times in my life.  I have been thrown down and trampled.  I have received judgment instead of compassion and love.  Fingers have been pointed and I have been shunned.  And just writing these words, I see Jesus carrying his cross and being treated the same.

Why are we so hard on one another?  Why do we allow our hurts to hurt others … or in my case, keep a wall up and guard myself.  Because we are all broken.   And just like broken glass, some pieces can be a little more sharper than others.

I have forgiven those who have offended me.  I've worked past that.  But can I allow the walls to come down and allow others to come into my life at a deeper level?  Can I take a risk with a possibility of backs to be turned my way?  Can I risk those getting to know the intimate side of me and use it against me?

One of my favorite shows was Fixer Upper.  Chip would make it clear that his favorite day was "demo day".  In order to make room for the vision, the newness, the open floor plan, and organized beauty he had to tear down and demolish the walls.  He had to get rid of the old to make room for the new.  The house couldn't grow and accomplish what was to come if the old was still there.

Karen's Demo Day … it's how I'm being stretched.  I have to demolish the walls that are holding the vision God has for me, the newness and open floor plan God has created in me.  I have to get rid of the old to make room for the new and destroy those walls.

The question is this … who is swinging their sledgehammer with me?

Through The Storms Of Life

I flew back to Colorado to get my daughter and bring her home.  We rented a vehicle to drive back with all her things.  You can never predict the weather in Colorado or Wyoming, so it is always an adventure and you never know what you are in for.

As we were driving, we left the comforts of the 70 degree weather, with blue skies and puffy white clouds and went into the mountains to be greeted by snow, still with blue skies and puffy white clouds.  As we continued, we could see ahead the clouds where clearly a storm was ahead, where the darkness of the sky met the earth and you couldn't distinguish the separation of the two.  As we continued the storm became darker and scarier. The road continued right into the storm.

There was no getting around it.  Anyone who knows Wyoming, knows there is a lot of nothing,including choices of roads and even shelter.  We had to continue.  I gripped the steering wheel and continued on, and feared what I was in for.

As I gripped on to the steering wheel, I gripped on to Jesus as I muttered prayers under my breath.

When we entered the storm, we entered hard rain … the kind of rain that the window wipers couldn't move fast enough, we entered 32 degree weather which brought some snow mixed into the rain.  We journeyed on and got through to the other side …. then I could only see the storm in my rear view mirror.

I remembered a childhood book the girls used to love:  Going on a Bear Hunt.  It talks about going on a bear hunt and having to go through long wavy grass, a river, mud and a cave.  They can't go around these obstacles, or over or under it … the only way to go is through it.  Sometimes God brings us storms in life.  Sometimes storms just come whether God brings them or not.  We can't go around them, over them or under them, as much as we want or even try … we have to go through them.

As I looked in the rear view mirror I saw what I went through.  And I felt God prompt me as to why I was so scared, after all it wasn't all that I had feared.  And as I looked in the mirror again it was because of the storms I have endured in the past.  I knew how bad the storm could be … I was fearful of the baseball hail that I could have endured and this time without any coverage.  I was fearful of a tornado forming.  I was fearful of the lightening that could fall from the sky with such power and put it's mark on the land right next to me.  I was fearful of a blizzard coming out of no where … all these things I have endured in the past, and I knew what was possible when the storm was before me.

I remembered Luke 8:22-25.  Jesus and his disciples were in the boat, and Jesus was sleeping while the disciples were battling a storm…fearful as they endured it.  They feared for their lives.  Jesus is all his sleepiness and calmness calmed the storm and asked: "Where is your faith?".

God reminded me that storms are going to come and go.  Some are greater than others, as they are all not the same.  Fear shouldn't ever stop me with any of them.  Where is my faith?  Faith is gripping on to Jesus during these storms, but faith is also knowing who is with me and who I am in Him.  The storms of life don't have a hold of me, as He is greater, and He has given me authority to be greater than them too.  

And just as He has given me the authority over these storms … He has given the authority to you.  Conquer your storms.  Grip on to Jesus.  And take authority.  It is yours.

Christmas In An Empty Nest

My life has been so empty.  It seems so fitting.  I mean we move two thousand miles into a life we have once known, but don't seem to know anymore.  Two of our chickadees have flown the nest.  The third is graduating early and getting ready to fly herself.  I haven't been able to find what my next step is.  And to top it off ... there is no snow.  

Transitions are hard.  And a few transitions at the same time are extremely hard.

I have tried to remain close to God.  But I can't seem to find how to do that.  I experience God in so many ways, and all those ways are affected by all this transition stuff.  My belief in God hasn't wavered.  But my joy seems to be far far away.  

It hasn't helped that we haven't found a church to call home.  One we are completely attached to, embraced by and find our family through.  It takes time.  

I have always found some of my belonging through my job, because each job I have held God has sent me to.  Currently, God has put me in a time of "rest" and I'm trying to embrace exactly what that means.  And I'm trying hard to trust.  So in the meantime I'm there for Courtney, and being a supportive wife to Duane.

But there seems to be a lie that hovers over me too.  "I have no purpose anymore."  "God can't use me anymore, what I came to do is done.  So I'm done."  Before you give me your advice and tell me that it is a lie from the enemy.  I know!  But let me explain something to you.  Life as I have known for the last decade is now in a new place.  Life as I have known for the past twenty-two years and have poured every last ounce of everything I am into is now coming to an end.  I'm going around the house, not having a mess to clean up after, not having someone to drive, not having drama to walk anyone through and trying to find what I have now to do.  And I just hear "rest".  And for me it is almost like hearing ... "You're done."  

And it hurts.  It's lonely.  I feel as if I'm walking in a cloud.  And I'm lost.

And with every thing I have left I hold onto the truth I know.  That God hears my tears.  He sees my pain.  And his hand is over me as I wonder.  I hold onto hope that God will pull me out of this pit that seems to get larger and larger.

And to add salt in the wound ... it's Christmas.  A time of great joy, arising hope, peace to reign and love to come.  It's what I believe and what I know to be true.  Yet my feelings aren't experiencing what my belief knows.  

And yet God sees.

In the midst of service, I handed over my aching heart, and all the tears.  And in exchange God handed over a baby He sent over 2000 years ago.  And He entrusts me with him.  My hands that were once empty are filled with life once again.  

What does this mean?  I don't know exactly.  But I know that this Christmas I have a baby to hold onto, one to love, one to pour myself into.  One that I can find my purpose in.  One that will complete me.  

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Thank you for life restored through your coming!

The Flood

Genesis 6

The Flood

I have been away the past ten days, as I have been working in Colorado.  And in the midst of work I have the privilege and joy to see my girls.  I brought the youngest with me, so it was a real treat for the four of us girls to sit and have dinner ... laugh and have heart to hearts.  Its what I live for, it is my favorite thing.  

I love my husband too.  I knew Colorado wasn't home anymore when I was there, and I longed to be in Duane's arms.  And the moment I stepped off the plane into his arms, it felt right.  This too is my favorite thing.  

Today life goes on ... and it feels like it has forgotten about me.  My girls are in Colorado doing their thing, finding their way in life - very well, I might add, and Duane is off at work doing his thing.  I sit here in the quiet of the house, wondering what my thing is.  And it feels like a flood of emotions are washing over me.  Today is the day I have feared.  It is the day there isn't a box to unpack.  It is the day things are just about settled.  It is the day that is full of quiet.  It is the day I am alone - and I don't know what to do.  

Some may welcome such a day, perhaps others may understand.  But today marks a very important shift in my life ... where I see an empty nest, and the life I once knew is no longer.  "Now what?" rattles in my mind all the way deep to the core of me.  Tears flow so easy.  And a sense of lostness feels like a warm blanket.  

Today I opened my Bible, hoping there was a new light, a new prayer, a new connection with God.  I continue to pray a little whimper just pleading God will help me through this time and comfort me.

"The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.  So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth-men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air-for I am grieved that I have made them.  But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord."

Genesis 6:6-8

I always believed that God and His wrath wiped out the earth.  But today I see it was with great sadness, He was at a loss and was grieving.  

I often sit and wonder if God understands the sorrow I am currently experiencing.  If He thinks it is silly, or unnecessary.  I often wonder what I am to do with the heaviness I experience, and hope that He is there to carry it.  We know God is big enough, but does He understand ... does He get what exactly I am going through.  Today I see the truth.

Now my girls are doing what they are suppose to be doing.  Finding their ways and moving forward in their lives.  They have reached the step that we have dreamed about since they could start dreaming and expressing themselves.  We have arrived.  Yet, now they move forward and I have let go of their hands.  They are walking by themselves.  We aren't connecting at the dinner table anymore, running out the door and shouting where they are off to, coming home at the wee hours of the night and coming into our bedroom expressing their woes of the day.  I don't hear their laughter, nor their tears.  I don't get to see what the details of their days look like anymore.  And with each passing day the phone gets quieter, emails are seldom ... and a matter of fact, it is usually me that reaches out first.  But again, this is normal.  This is what is and what is to be expected.  Yet it saddens me.  

And it saddens God.  It saddens God when we turn ourselves away from Him, doing things on our own.  We think we can go onto the next few steps without His help, guidance or just us "checking in".    We walk by ourselves.  The prayers that were once habits and even rituals are now seldom and far between, God's ears are getting quieter.  The prayer journal that once was filled quickly and fully is becoming slower to fill.  And it is usually God that reaches out first ... but then I can't help but wonder - do I even notice?  

Yes, God sent the flood because wickedness filled the earth.  Our own selfish desires filled the earth.  Our own lusts and ways.  But it is also clear that these things became what filled all of our days, and we turned against God - and just spending time with Him that He so longs for.  

I want to be like Noah!  I want God to find favor in me - I want Him to find me as a righteous woman, blameless and that everyone sees that I walk with God.  (Genesis 6:9)  And even though I'm still experiencing a flood of emotions these days, and seeing the tears fall, I want God to still see me and be pleased.  It is the ultimate cry of my heart.  So today I write, today I sit and take the time in study and learn more of Him, and today I will reach out to Him for help along this transition - and know that His heart totally gets what I'm going through today.  

And may He send a flood today.  He promised us that He will never flood the earth again and destroy it.  But may He send a flood of His presence over me today, and may I have the wisdom to see Him.

Resurrection Sunday

"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. 

He who believes in me will live, even through he dies;

and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. 

Do you believe this?"

John 11:25-26

In my spirit each year I want to learn more of Jesus and what Easter means.  I don't want to miss anything.  But this year I wondered if it was just too late.  Even though things are good, there are things on the back burner, simmering.  It is only a matter of time when they will come to a full boil.   

With a recent sickness, travels and trying to hold onto the demands of work and school, the Easter decorations just never came out.  This was the first Palm Sunday we missed, and I felt we missed the triumphant entry of our Savior.  I know that I could rise from the couch and shout my own "Hosanna!",  but it just wasn't the same.  This was the first year we didn't do our Resurrection Eggs, as everyone's schedule couldn't bring us together.  It was Thursday, when we usually recognize the last supper that I just gave up, threw in the towel and just accepted defeat as this was the first year in twenty that I missed whatever tidbit Jesus had for me to learn more of him and what this season is all about.  Sadness grew in my heart.

It also didn't help that Easter egg hunts seem to take front stage, homework demands are great (as we are used to celebrating Easter break, not Spring break weeks ahead), and not the recognized day I remember as a child.

I asked Duane, if we could celebrate Good Friday a little different by seeing a movie; God's Not Dead.  The name alone brought a recognition to what we were about to celebrate on Sunday.  It was that night we talked about what impacted us in the movie or about this particular Sunday.  And I made my claim.  God's not dead ... not in our circumstances, not in the pot that seems to be simmering on the back burner. 

I continue to wait and watch when Jesus will turn our circumstances in a different direction.

Easter Sunday came.  We didn't hear about the stone being rolled away, or how they found the tomb empty, or even the time Jesus spent here on earth before going to be with our Father.  It wasn't the usual Easter message.  But instead in the passage of the death of Lazarus (John 11:1-44).  I am still chewing on the words I heard, and ponder them more and more. 

It was pointed out in verse 6 how Jesus stayed two more days, after hearing about the one he loved (verse 3) was sick.  He didn't rush in.  He didn't even speak words of healing.  He waited. 

Jesus soon arrived, but after Lazarus had already been dead for four days (verse 17).  Martha, the one that was caught being too busy to sit at the feet of Jesus because of kitchen duties ran out to Jesus.  Pastor Todd encouraged me by stating "when things happen in our lives and it feels Jesus hasn't shown up, don't run from God but to him".  He also mentioned that it is easy to trust Jesus when things are going well, but God is an "even now" (verse 22) God, and we aren't to limit Him.

"The Resurrection isn't an event, it is a person!"  It is Pastor Todd's thought that Jesus isn't weeping because of the sorrow of Lazarus' death, after all, Jesus knows what is about to happen, that he isn't going to be dead much longer, but he weeps because his people don't fully know who He is.  Jesus says to Martha "I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.  Do you believe this?"  (verse 26-26)

And for the first time I read these words differently than ever before.  For the first time ever, I experience hope and even joy. 

Do you see it?  I don't know your circumstances, but let me a little candid with you.  Perhaps because there has been a stirring in my spirit for the past week, a knowing that God is getting ready to put something new before us.  Every time I experience the excitement, and choose to trust the belief that the Holy Spirit is trying to share with me, a major tragedy comes forth.  There is almost a battle going on for my faith. 

But I choose to still believe. 

I believe in the One who is the Victor as well as the Victory.  I believe that the One who has never left me or forsaken me in the trials before, is the same in the trials now.  I believe in the One who loves me more than anyone has.  I believe everyone and everything has to surrender to His authority.  I believe that there are no surprises to God, and His plan will come forth.  I believe in the One that has my back.  I believe that I am His creation, and because He has taken the time to create me, there is a purpose and a plan.  I believe in the One that is ALL GOOD.  I believe that all the mistakes and things I get wrong will be made right by the One who is all knowing.

And with a full belief and claim in the God I know, I read these verses again.  Jesus is the resurrection and is the life.  And because I choose to believe in him, I will live - even though I may die.  And because I live in Him, believe in Him, I will never die.  I will live as we face a lay off, even without our finances being in order.  I will live through the challenges in rearing three teenage daughters.  I will live as I watch our daughters make poor mistakes.  And because I believe in Jesus, I will never die.  All these challenges in our lives have no power to overtake me, they have no power to drown me...even though it feels like it some days, but Jesus has ALL the power to overcome.   And because He will overcome - we will live! 

We watch the death of a job come to an end.  We watch a child grow more distant from us and make choices we taught otherwise.  Jesus didn't rush in to save Lazarus before he died, but after he was well dead, so then it was clear that only Jesus could take credit for such a miracle.  Jesus could have walked away, and just simply comforted the mourners.  But instead, He showed who He is and the authority He has. 

So as I watch the challenges that come to unfold in our lives, my eyes are fixed on Jesus.  He will come.  He will bring life in the midst of our death.  And He will resurrect all of our circumstances and lives for all to see ... where He can get all the credit! 

 

Saved From The Clearance Rack

Like the typical man Duane can be, when he thinks of going shopping he thinks Lowes or Home Depot.  So when he is looking at all the tools and things, you can find me checking out the plants at the clearance rack. 

There are so many plants there that are pulled from the rest of their friends and put in the "reject" pile because they have a brown blemish or just didn't look right.  Usually all it takes is a little pinch here and there, a little TLC and some water and perhaps some sunlight, and they are back to normal again. 

Recently I made that trip to our local Lowes store.  I had a spot in our home that needed a couple of
plants, and I had a small budget.  So I found my way to that clearance rack, finding exactly what I needed.  I came home proud of my finds and re potted the new treasures. 

And then I was reminded of the beauty I was part of.

I have been picked and labeled through life.  I have not "looked" like the others.  And I definitely haven't thought as the world thinks - which has pushed me aside from the rest of the group.  I have stood on my own, which has left me alone on "clearance".  I have seen myself as one that just has never fit in, which has left me feeling alone. 

But then I saw Jesus coming and picking me off that rack, and seeing the beauty and value in me.  He picks the flaws away and makes beauty grow.  He pours His tender loving care into me and pours His Living Water in me, and shines His love over me.  He re pots me, and causes me to grow.  He looks at me and smiles and is pleased with what He sees ... and calls it good.

Sometimes I still see myself in the clearance rack with the labels of rejection.  But when I potted these new plants I found myself reminded to see myself with the same value and acceptance God has for me.

Today I see my new finds and cherish them differently.  I am reminded of how God sees me each day.  Valued.  Accepted.  Loved.  Cherished.  Beautiful.  And not alone. 

God Can Still Calm the Storms!

"Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him.  Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.  But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us!  We're going to drown!"

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"  Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this?  Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Matthew 8:23-27

Yesterday God showed me a vision.  I was in a boat.   The skies were dark, circling above me.  The waters were rough and waves high.  I was wet.  I threw an anchor in the water out of desperation, fear and even an attempt as the last resort.  It was then I knew there had a to be a rock and something solid for that anchor to hook into - and that was God, himself.  He was never changing, always present and constant.  That anchor was Jesus.  Jesus and God are so close, so close that the anchor knew exactly where the rock was, and knew that rock was able.  The rope I held in my hands as I let the anchor go into the storm waters was the Holy Spirit.  And that rope leads me to the anchor, that leads me to God.  As I looked into the water, with the rope in my hand the storm was behind me and it was quiet as I stayed looking towards the Rock (God).  I couldn't see what was so far underneath, but I knew it was there. 

This picture reminded me that through all the storms of life, and through the crisis' we are currently going through, I need to fix my eyes on God.  Look towards him, even though I can't see him, I can trust and know He is there in the midst of all this.  I'm not to look at the outcome of the storm, nor even how you are going to stop the storm ... but just stay fixed on God and let everything calm down around me.  I can find that peace as long as my eyes are fixed on him.  God is unchanging, solid and my rock.  Jesus is my anchor, keeps me stable and secure in the storm, and the Holy Spirit will keep me connected with the two - even in the times I let go.  I can trust that all three are there for me.  I can stand in the storm.  I can believe and trust in the three.  I have a faithful three to hold onto. 

I was reminded of the above verse as Jesus calms the storm.  Jesus had to be woken up.  How many times, even in the midst of our current trials I have wondered, if Jesus was sleeping on me - if he was even seeing what I was going through.  Jesus is saying to me, as he did his disciples, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?". 

Today, I choose to grow my faith.  I'm going to look past our circumstances, and look toward God.  As I do so, I know the same Jesus then is the same today, who will speak to these storms and all of "this" will submit to the One who speaks.  I choose to keep hold of the Spirit and allow him to guide me through the waters and remain connected tightly and closely to the One that saves. 

My Conviction

Duane and I have been walking this adoption journey for the past four months, and continue to walk through this fire.  I don't know if I could capture the hardship of the journey.  But for one, life doesn't stop just because there is a new child in our home.  Pets have died.  Pets have had to go.  What was normal, isn't normal anymore, and we can't seem to even find what normal is.  Work demands have become greater.  Financial burdens are heavier.  And in the midst of trying to stop time and turn a child's thinking into truth, the expectations of school, county and councilors are demanding.  The stress has taken its toll on all our relationships including our marriage, and even my health. 

It wasn't until today to told the school "no".  "No" to the book report that is due in a week.  "What?", you may say.  Let me tell you.  Our son is extremely behind in school.  And what the school sees, is "lets fix it".  One teachers fix-it ways, is not the others.  So we have had several teachers and professionals throw their opinions our way, giving us the brunt work to do, threw all their confusion.  However, I'm reminded, that they are fixing the symptoms not the wound. 

Our son has gone through so much trauma in his life.  And if you look into trauma and the affects of it, you'll see that there is actual, physical brain damage.  And the affects of the damage, and the many losses in his life are the results of what you see.  Cognitive issues, attachment and trust issues, fear, worry, academic struggles and the list goes on. 

If I was pregnant, and birthed our son life would be so much different.  Not only would we have nine months to prepare for the child that is coming our way, but we would have had a little idea as to what to expect from the models that were before him.  And we would have already had some sort of bonding.  If my son was birthed, I would have nursed him, and cuddled with him and would have proven to him that I was trustworthy; as I would feed him when he was hungry, change his pants when they were wet and messy, and give him warmth when he was cold.  His world would have a total different look.  And if I would have birthed my son, I would have had about five years of bonding with him before I sent him off to school.  And when my son  became a fifth grader, he wouldn't be far behind or at least because of his environment he was raised in.  And from my experience with my three biological children, If I had birthed our son, we might have even had a shower to welcome him into this world.

I have finally said "no" to the countless "busy work" of assignments that have come into our home to "try and catch him up", because we still need time bonding, and him learning that he can trust us.  I'm not saying no to everything...just the stuff that is about ready to break us.

Our number one focus right now is trying to bond as a mother and child, father and child, siblings, and a family as a whole.  And unfortunately it takes time ... and life doesn't stop.

What is frustrating for us too, is that we look at him as a ten year old boy.  I should be able to set a knife by his plate.  But I forget that I can't when I see him cutting something on the table.  No one has taught him how to properly cut his food. 

I forget that when I send what I see as a ten year old boy up to take a shower and he comes down all wet, complaining that the hot water is "broken" after his 45 minute shower, finding he never soaped up or washed his hair we remember we put too high of an expectation on him.  And now Duane has to spend a week teaching him how to shower.

And we haven't even talked about his social graces.  He could say something that is so untrue, but he believes it as true, and no matter how many times you argue with him, he is going to believe what he knows as true...after all, all adults have lied to him, why would we be any different.  And what about the times he just says something that just puts a knife through your heart.  Not because he wants to hurt me...but because he has never been taught to think of others.  He has had to learn to defend himself in order to survive. 

And we are doing this alone. 

Remember, if he was birthed...I would have had a shower?  I'm not looking for things.  But I'm looking for support, and even a friend to talk to and have tea with.  Someone who could listen, empathize and definitely not fix our life.  And someone who could bring me laughter! 

We came from a church who supported adoption.  We also came from churches that support us.  And right now, at this very moment I stand confused.  Please let me explain.

I have heard countless times "I will pray for you", "praying" and "God will see you through this".  But truthfully I don't want more prayers...I want help!

I have those rare comments that come our way that tell me:  "how can I help you?"  or "if you ever need a babysitter."  And I've called those comments out, only to find them invalid.  Right now, to be involved in our lives would be extremely messy.  We, even as Christians, don't want messy.  ME included!  To be wrapped in our life, we would need for you to take a background check to be able to watch our son for a day or two so we could rest.  It might take just coming over and listening to us, and walking through our struggles.  It would take a whole lot of time.  And it may even take building a relationship with my girls, who are now questioning their own faith.  But like I said it would be messy.

And we, in our society of busyness don't have time to get involved.  We talk the talk, but instead we just stand from the sidelines to watch those who are called....and we sometimes pray. 

I'm in NO way knocking prayer, I spend a lot of my time on my knees.  However, I just took a few moments and looked through the book of Matthew and saw Jesus doing a whole lot of doing.  Healing, even willing to go out of his way to heal, talking to those who need encouragement, allowing children to come into his lap.  He often spent his time speaking to those who were forgotten and set aside, and reaching out to them.  A matter-of-fact, wherever he was, I see in the scriptures that Jesus saw everyone who was in that scene...I really don't think anyone was overlooked.  He took his rest when needed too.  And called out to God when he was emotionally drained.  And I have to believe that if he was walking this earth, he'd not only come and heal our son and baby-sit him to give us rest....but he'd reach into your world and meet your needs too.

And through our journey I have seen how I have fallen short.  I have seen how I have not been willing to get messy with the lady in my church who needed a meal, because of the physical distance that put me out of my way.  It was out of my way and would make me late to give the man on the street corner a warm cup of coffee and any source of encouragement. I didn't want to babysit for my neighbor as getting involved with down syndrome is not my thing.  God has put people in my path that I was to be Jesus to, and I wasn't.  In spite of my current exhaustion...I want to be Jesus.  I'm seeing so many of us doing life alone, and I am reminded in scriptures we weren't created to do life that way.  We were created to praise God, depend on Him, and build each other up.

Life was meant to be together.  Isolation is not from God.  And if I feel alone, or if you feel alone something is wrong. 

So I challenge you.  What is the cry of your neighbor?  What is your co-worker struggling with?  Who is sitting in your pew at church that needs a friend because their spouse just left them?  Who is God calling you to? 

I know, that my eyes and ears are going to be opened a lot this week.  I may be exhausted, and I may need Jesus myself but I want to be Jesus ... and a whole lot messier!

Abundance

It hit me right between the eyes last night.  So hard, that I couldn't help but fall upon my knees and weep.

Our family has been going through a lot of challenges, a lot of changes.  At this point, I just try and get through each day, calling it good.  I can't seem to even think of tomorrow, let alone next week.  We now are a family of six.  That is the biggest change.  One more body in our home, that wasn't there too long ago ... it just takes some getting used to.  We are also getting used to having a boy in the house, when frankly we are used to girls.  I'm just dumbfounded how differently they think.  We are getting used to medication, when we are a house that does things natural, and never have had to be confined to daily living through a bottle of pills.  We are getting used to a new elementary school, that we have never been part of before, and a public school at that.  Our calendar is stuffed full of therapy appointments, OT appointments, doctor, dentist and psychologist ... and just for a ten year old boy.  And each appointment I'm learning something new.  It just seems so overwhelming. 

And to be real with you.  Our family is far from perfect.  We have issues just like any other family.  And can I tell you something?  Being a mom to teenagers is soooooo hard!  Let alone three teenage girls!  I never expected it to be easy, but there are days that I wonder if this is "normal" and I question all my ability and start wondering where I have gone wrong.  The hormones are extremely active in our home.  The drama tends to escalade.  The expectancy they put on their parents, we often wonder if we live in the same world.  So hard. 

And last night wasn't anything different.

We have had to put a new system in our home.  It is more for our son, but our girls are part of it too.  We have found they not only enjoy it, but it is working for everyone, encouraging us (as parents) to follow through, encourage our kids and allow the system to work for us, instead of us being dealt with the "war" between us and the kids.  It is a simple system.  We have a white board, listing all the chores, with the initials of who is in charge of them.  Attached to the board is also the daily responsibilities that everyone has to do in the house.  We also have a picture of CARS (Lightning McQueen, Mator, and Doc Hudson), each representing three ribbons (1st, 2nd, 3rd place).  Attached to the picture are 4 clothes pins, each with the name of our children.  Each place ribbon lists what gets them to that place, and what the privilege/consequence are.  First place may earn you some extra allowance or video time, where as third place earns you nothing.  It is a simple system, that we do at the dinner table.  And it has been working!

Well yesterday I took a child of mine at their word that they did their responsibilities...that their room was clean and done.  Leaving them at first place with all the privileges.  Lessoned learn on my part ... I have to check.
I walked in their room after church last night ... so disappointed in what I saw.  And lecture number #87 started coming to my lips.  But at the same time I'm dealing with life as it is... I'm dealing with my heart's cry of wanting to be closer to God, wanting to experience more of him.

I remember telling my daughter, to get up, start focusing on the task at hand and move ... getting the job done.  Go for what you want!  Believe that you can overcome this task.  She is one that accepts defeat so easily, and shows through how she carries herself.

I also remembering the heartbreak I experienced that moment.  Being lied to.  Deceit.  My trust was broken.  I couldn't help but tear up.  I told my girls I have soooo much for you.  More than they could ever imagine.  I have so many things I want to give them, things I have listed in my mind, and so much in my heart.  I have an abundance to give them!

And it hit me.  How often to I walk in what I already have, accepting it as enough, and that I don't deserve more.  Instead of walking with the knowing my Heavenly Father has an abundance to give me!  How many times do I ask for the whim of the moment, and say that it is enough, and not accept all the things He has for me?  How many times do I disobey my Heavenly Father, and walk away from the abundance He has for me? 

I couldn't help but fall on my face.  I couldn't help but see the life I had been living and plea for a new start. 

So today I walk with a knowing my Father has abundance for me.  And I know that He has an abundance for you.  His love is great ... greater than I could ever imagine.  And I'm so thankful that I'm able to experience a taste of His heart for you and me every now and then ... even through the challenges of parenting, and the challenges of change.  To know my Father's heart is abundantly full for me  seems to just make it all worth it.

Accusations

It has been so long since I have written.  Where have I been?  I would love to tell you busyness ... that is somewhat true, but not totally.  I would love to tell you I haven't had anything to say ... somewhat true, but life always brings something to say.  But truth be told, we have gone through some storms of life.  And as much as I'm trying to not talk about it, God is nudging me to do just that. 

I'm not going to share all the details, as that is irrelevant.  But I am going to share what God has done through this time.  And I believe, God is going to break off the deep sadness I am experiencing through the confession and realization of how great God is. 

Defender: (according to Webster's) protect, shield, guard, safeguard, defend implies warding off what immediately threatens or repelling what actually attacks; protect is wider in application and less active in suggestion, implying a keeping safe by any means from injury or destruction; shield suggests that interposition of a cover or barrier against imminent and specific danger; guard implies protecting with vigilance and force against expected danger; safeguard implies taking precautionary protective measures against merely possible danger.

Vindicator: to set free, deliver, avenge, exonerate, absolve:  to provide justification or defense for; justify, to protect from attack or encroachment, defend.

Ever since I was little, I have dreamed of someone to take a stand and defend me when the battle was fierce.  Perhaps it is the romantic in me, or one too many seeings of Cinderella.  But I can say honestly, I have had that desire.  I have been taught to stand up for myself...be strong.  So on the contrary, if I didn't stand for myself ... I believed I was weak, or rather I was looked down upon because of my weakness and I wouldn't survive this world. 

Can I tell you something about me?  I'm NOT a fighter!  Never have been, and I never will be.  It is just not in me ... unless, I have to protect my children...then it is a whole new ball game!  But for the most part, even my girls will tell you ... we pray for our enemies.  We allow truth to prevail.  It will all work itself out in the end. 

In the past month we allowed a 15 year old girl come into our home.  We made ourselves very vulnerable.  We gave her food, clothes, love, safety, shelter, encouragement, truth, acceptance ... and so much more.  But what we gave her wasn't enough.  It was something she rejected over time, and something she would complain about in the end. 

In the middle of our circumstances, lies and deceit were discovered.  The truth was exposed.  The truth of what came into our home, was totally what was not exposed in the beginning.  The foundation of her coming, was based on a lie ... and it took four weeks for her ground to crumble.  

Accusations.  We say they don't hurt, but until we are under the pointing finger and all its wrath we discover - they hurt and are very heavy! 

My accusations:  I'm an abuser.  I'm names, that you won't hear from my lips (or fingertips).  I'm neglectful.  I definitely have issues.  I play favorites.  I am a liar.  (Those are the ones I know of.)

I look at those accusations as they try to stick their nasty lies on me.  And I see something:  they are true.  I know I have raised my voice a time or two or more to the ones I love.  The colorful names I won't say ... I guess I could be those things on occasion.  Have a neglected our home?  Yep.  Do I have issues?  YES!  Let me be the first to say!  I have a tendency to favor my family on occasion.  And you know what ... as much as I say that I don't ... I know I have lied.  So I guess you can say I'm guilty as charged!

But you see the difference between me and some is that I have Jesus, who took these accusations, allowed them to pierce His head, hands and feet...let alone His heart.  Then he did something with them no one else has done:  He nailed each one to the cross with His suffering.  He took them, so I didn't have to.

For the past few weeks fear has ruled my heart.  I was afraid that this small community I live in will believe the worse about me.  I was afraid of the battle I was going to walk through.  I was afraid of the judgements I was going to have to encounter.  My head lowered in shame, as fear conquered my heart.

It wasn't until the past two days I have seen God work on the hearts of those I hold relationships with.  The accusations were never even considered.  Not one!  These people saw me, ignored (what I call) "the squeaky wheel" and saw the truth.  I didn't have to draw one breath to defend myself.  And as I saw this, I experienced God lifting my head up to see who He is in my life.

So ever since I was little I have wanted a defender ... a vindicator.  Ever since I accepted Jesus in my heart, little did I know I had one.  I marvel ... that I can look in the mirror and see those accusations, and see the truth in them, but one by one they fall off each and every day, because my Jesus sees me, not the accusations ... and sees something worth fighting for, something worth standing up for ...

He sees me as His! 

"Look upon my suffering and deliver me,

for I have not forgotten your law.

Defend my cause and redeem me;

preserve my life accorrding to your promise.

Your compassion is great, O Lord;

preserve my life according to your laws.

Psalm 119: 153-154, 156

Do you know what my favorite part about Easter was?

Nope, it's not the beautiful dresses!

Nope, it's not the traditional cup of tea in fine china, with homemade cinnamon rolls that follow.

  

Nope, it wasn't watching a bunch of home movies; laughing and remembering and some even being a bit embarrassed.  Fun...but not it.

Nope, it's not coloring eggs!

Well, it could be going to church in full celebration ...but sorry, not it!

Nope, it's not the Easter baskets with all the candy!

Nope, it's not even the delicious food.

Nope, it's not the family bike ride we enjoyed this year, or getting caught in the rain at the end.

Nope, it's not even the puppy enjoying his new finds!

It could have been the girls putting a surprise together; playing and singing a song to one of my favorite Easter movies (Veggie tales Easter Carol)...very close, but still not it!

Nope not watching all the Easter movies...not even the Donut Man's Easter Celebration.

All GREAT guesses, but not it.  Give up?

My favorite part about Easter was the five of us coming together in our annual tradition of reading Benjamin's Box, opening Resurrection Eggs and Reading through the Scriptures and hearing the Easter story all over again, as if it was our first time.  As the years move on, there isn't much of a surprise anymore as to what is in the eggs, there isn't a different ending to the book.  But what I love is that God's word is alive and there is always something new to find.  I also stand on reassurance God's word will not return void.  This is the foundation of what is to come in the lives of these girls and generations to come - Jesus! He was, He is and is to come!

He has Overcome!

The goodness of the cross I thought was enough.  But God had bigger plans.


He is risen!  He has overcome the grave!


Today with much joy, we celebrate...with dance and gladness.  Because Jesus did just as He said He'd do and overcame the grave.   Nothing can keep my Jesus down.  Nothing!


Grief.  Finances.  Parenting.  Marriage.  Strife.  Illness.  Adoption.  Loneliness.  Depression.  Emotions.  The deepest pain.  The most impossible situation.  Death.   Nothing can keep my Jesus down.  He overcame the grave, so He can and will overcome it all!


And that is the power of His Resurrection.  He overcame the grave thousands of years ago, and He overcomes today.   


I celebrate with much joy of my Jesus.  Because my Jesus is very much alive today as when He walked this earth.  Today I celebrate He has overcome the grave and will continue to overcome it all.  Nothing can keep my Jesus down...nothing! 

His Timing Is Perfect

Sometimes it isn't fun to celebrate your birthday with a holiday/special day.  This could be one of those times, but it got me thinking as we celebrate Courtney's 13th birthday and Good Friday. 

I can't help remember these past 13 years.  

 It was over 13 years ago, I was to be unmoved from a couch for over 3 months.  Doctors wondered if she would make it until her due date.  Worry and frustration came over me.

Courtney was 10 months old when illness struck, and left her sick until she was 4.  Our new "normal" would be life at the doctors office and Children's Hospital.  Peace and Joy remained. 

Courtney was diagnosed and misdiagnosed time and time again, before the correct diagnosis was given.  We grew tired.

Courtney endured two major surgeries.  I held Jesus' hand as worry struck me.

Courtney had a G-tube, which made her feel abnormal as we would "plug" her in so she could burp or get sick.  We thought this was her healing and rejoiced.

Courtney had to change her diet.  We needed to learn more.

She endured bullying and "not" fitting in.  Our hearts were broken.

God remained faithful and overcame!

By His stripes He has made her whole and healed!  Today she remains free from illness and pain.  She lives a life as any 13 year old would.  She knows the source of her healing and goes to Him without any hesitancy for anything.  God grew her faith. 

She speaks of her belief even in her public school classes - no matter how "foolish" she may look.  He has given her boldness.

She is quick to let go and forgive.  He is her gentleness.   

Jesus overcame the cross and overcame in Courtney and our lives. 

This year we celebrate Courtney's birth and have the privilege to be reminded of how much He has overcome.