Accusations

It has been so long since I have written.  Where have I been?  I would love to tell you busyness ... that is somewhat true, but not totally.  I would love to tell you I haven't had anything to say ... somewhat true, but life always brings something to say.  But truth be told, we have gone through some storms of life.  And as much as I'm trying to not talk about it, God is nudging me to do just that. 

I'm not going to share all the details, as that is irrelevant.  But I am going to share what God has done through this time.  And I believe, God is going to break off the deep sadness I am experiencing through the confession and realization of how great God is. 

Defender: (according to Webster's) protect, shield, guard, safeguard, defend implies warding off what immediately threatens or repelling what actually attacks; protect is wider in application and less active in suggestion, implying a keeping safe by any means from injury or destruction; shield suggests that interposition of a cover or barrier against imminent and specific danger; guard implies protecting with vigilance and force against expected danger; safeguard implies taking precautionary protective measures against merely possible danger.

Vindicator: to set free, deliver, avenge, exonerate, absolve:  to provide justification or defense for; justify, to protect from attack or encroachment, defend.

Ever since I was little, I have dreamed of someone to take a stand and defend me when the battle was fierce.  Perhaps it is the romantic in me, or one too many seeings of Cinderella.  But I can say honestly, I have had that desire.  I have been taught to stand up for myself...be strong.  So on the contrary, if I didn't stand for myself ... I believed I was weak, or rather I was looked down upon because of my weakness and I wouldn't survive this world. 

Can I tell you something about me?  I'm NOT a fighter!  Never have been, and I never will be.  It is just not in me ... unless, I have to protect my children...then it is a whole new ball game!  But for the most part, even my girls will tell you ... we pray for our enemies.  We allow truth to prevail.  It will all work itself out in the end. 

In the past month we allowed a 15 year old girl come into our home.  We made ourselves very vulnerable.  We gave her food, clothes, love, safety, shelter, encouragement, truth, acceptance ... and so much more.  But what we gave her wasn't enough.  It was something she rejected over time, and something she would complain about in the end. 

In the middle of our circumstances, lies and deceit were discovered.  The truth was exposed.  The truth of what came into our home, was totally what was not exposed in the beginning.  The foundation of her coming, was based on a lie ... and it took four weeks for her ground to crumble.  

Accusations.  We say they don't hurt, but until we are under the pointing finger and all its wrath we discover - they hurt and are very heavy! 

My accusations:  I'm an abuser.  I'm names, that you won't hear from my lips (or fingertips).  I'm neglectful.  I definitely have issues.  I play favorites.  I am a liar.  (Those are the ones I know of.)

I look at those accusations as they try to stick their nasty lies on me.  And I see something:  they are true.  I know I have raised my voice a time or two or more to the ones I love.  The colorful names I won't say ... I guess I could be those things on occasion.  Have a neglected our home?  Yep.  Do I have issues?  YES!  Let me be the first to say!  I have a tendency to favor my family on occasion.  And you know what ... as much as I say that I don't ... I know I have lied.  So I guess you can say I'm guilty as charged!

But you see the difference between me and some is that I have Jesus, who took these accusations, allowed them to pierce His head, hands and feet...let alone His heart.  Then he did something with them no one else has done:  He nailed each one to the cross with His suffering.  He took them, so I didn't have to.

For the past few weeks fear has ruled my heart.  I was afraid that this small community I live in will believe the worse about me.  I was afraid of the battle I was going to walk through.  I was afraid of the judgements I was going to have to encounter.  My head lowered in shame, as fear conquered my heart.

It wasn't until the past two days I have seen God work on the hearts of those I hold relationships with.  The accusations were never even considered.  Not one!  These people saw me, ignored (what I call) "the squeaky wheel" and saw the truth.  I didn't have to draw one breath to defend myself.  And as I saw this, I experienced God lifting my head up to see who He is in my life.

So ever since I was little I have wanted a defender ... a vindicator.  Ever since I accepted Jesus in my heart, little did I know I had one.  I marvel ... that I can look in the mirror and see those accusations, and see the truth in them, but one by one they fall off each and every day, because my Jesus sees me, not the accusations ... and sees something worth fighting for, something worth standing up for ...

He sees me as His! 

"Look upon my suffering and deliver me,

for I have not forgotten your law.

Defend my cause and redeem me;

preserve my life accorrding to your promise.

Your compassion is great, O Lord;

preserve my life according to your laws.

Psalm 119: 153-154, 156