Through Loss … I see I Have Gained!

I had a huge scare that started this past Tuesday.  Some of you it is no big deal … but to me it was HUGE.

I lost my Bible.

I am a woman of routine and I looked through all the spots that it could have been and then all the spots that it would more likely not be.  We were in a rental car this week, and I had my husband search the car.  It wasn't there.  Then as any woman would do, I went to look through it … even twice, and even a third.  It wasn't there.  It was officially lost.

I had it Sunday.  We had an event at church where 26 people were baptized!  We had a celebration, and had lunch at the church.  Could I have left it there?  Possibly.  But I thought I remembered carrying it throughout.  

We just started attending this church a little over a month ago.  We have been in a season of Lack - connection, identity and even it began to pull on our hope and caused hurt and pain (that we are still working through).  I began to question if God even cared where we worshipped.  It has always been laid on our heart to be part of our own community.  I can't explain it, but the pull on our heart is GREAT.  We know with all our being that this was put on our heart by God himself.  This church is walkable, and I can't explain how surprised we are to find exactly what we have been looking for - and in our backyard!  

I remembered a few months ago, that my Bible was collecting a bit of dust (at least in my eyes).  Yes, it would be picked up for church and I would fumble through the pages in the sermon.  I would even pick it up on occasion to find a verse that was in my mind.  But the actually reading of the Book, I just was too tired to do so, and was frankly a bit bored with it.  When I realized this attitude that was within me, I prayed that my hearts desire would change and I would long for my Bible again.

Ever since we moved I have longed for an in depth Bible study.  I would find women's get togethers but not a study like I had longed for.  I was even willing to lead one if that is what it took … but then the issue would be "who would come".  Hopelessness started to wear it's toll on my heart in this area, and I started to just accept how we have to make the church more inviting and "friendly" to woman and connect differently.  I accepted it, but missed my studies where God became real and even more powerful that I have known Him to be.   I never prayed about it.  I guess I figured God knew what He was doing and it was time for an "update" for my longings in the area of a women's study.

Courtney came to me and asked if I would do a Bible study with her.  She wanted to learn more about the pages she was reading, and understand its meaning.  My heart soared.  I borrowed a Beth Moore study from the church we were going to, and we have been in the word ever since.  I have been doing bits and pieces of my study and work, and when I'm looking up my scriptures I use my app on my phone.  But Tuesday night I wanted to open the actual pages, hear the crinkle of them when I turn them, smell the pages, read the gazillion notes and perhaps even add to them.  But it was no where to be found.

Wednesday morning on my way to work, I stopped by the church that was still unfamiliar to me.  I greeted those who greeted me with a smile, and asked if my Bible was found.  After giving a description and us looking at all the possibilities it was just not to be found.  My heart just sank.  But I was invited to cooperate prayer that evening … I mean it was a genuine invite.  And it was refreshing to receive.

I arrived to work, and this particular day I was my happy self, but just deeply saddened inside.  I never knew how attached I had become to this Book.  I remembered the dates of dedications and baptisms that were in there.  I thought back and realized that this was my very first study Bible that my husband helped me pick out.  It has to be 25 years old.  That means there are 25 years of notes in the margins and highlighted verses.  I might not know what my Bible references are, but I knew where to find them on the page in my Bible.  There were ripped pages, and tear stained pages.  It is this Bible that I would read scriptures that would leap of the page at me, and help me realize that the God I have is a loving, gracious companion and has everything under control.  This Book brought me hope in the times when I felt hopeless, encouragement when I was down, and offered prayers when I didn't know what to say.  I found many answers in this Book.  I also took it for granted.

I realized yesterday my Bible had become more to me than I ever imagined.  My Bible had become a long time friend.  My Bible was my lifeline.  And now it was lost.

I had even prayed that I was willing to let it go, if it would make another's life richer.  But my heart still broke within.

With all the demands of work and errands, I still felt prompted to go to prayer.  I didn't understand why I was prompted, and even questioned if I heard the prompting right.  Afterwords, I saw someone I knew and I told her that I was a bit down as I had lost my Bible.  She helped me look one more time. The usual places.  And I saw some people that had smiles on and hearts of warmth and would greet me in my search.  Genuine people.  Happy people.  I even ran into the pastors, and they would keep their eyes out, and gave me encouragement - except when they were empathetic, which only made me realize more of what I was missing.  Upon my leaving, another pastor came in our path, and the lady mentioned about the loss of my Bible.  He had saw it.  He picked up something that wasn't it, and my heart sank even lower - and he looked in an unusual spot … and then handed me my Bible!  I hugged him, as I hugged my Bible.  

This morning I look at my Bible and know the comfort and strength I have because it is near to me, and I have it available to go to.  Yes, I could have used the other Bibles in the house, but they weren't enough for me.  This Bible and me go way back and we have taken many journeys through valleys and mountain tops together.  

It was through this journey that I realized God hears my deepest prayers, the prayers that I would call even the silliest prayers.   God made me long for my Bible and made me see the value within the pages and made me see even the value I have with Him through these pages.  

And within the last 48 hours I have seen that God has answered the deep cries of my heart.  There are crevices that I would cover, thinking they weren't necessary to bring to God.  But God has shown me through Bible study, through a new church, and the journey to recover my Bible He cares about the little stuff and the spiritual walk we are on.  I'm so thankful He does!

My Hope Chest

This past week I have had some glimpses of God and the relationship we share.  You see, the past couple of years have been rough ... I have been out of sorts, and even put God in a box at times.  But because of everything that we have gone through the closeness I have shared with God in the past t hasn't been there.  Please hear me out ... I believe God has been with me the entire time!  I just haven't had the same intimacy that we have shared in the past.  And I have missed it.

I have had quiet times ... not consistent, but I have had them.  I have worshiped with my worship music, I have prayed, I have read the Bible and I have even journaled .... I know He is there to receive my worship, my prayers, show me His word and read the pages that are addressed to just him.  But I have longed for the times our hearts are one, joy springs from my steps because of His presence and His words and my heart seems that much bigger when we are that close.

 I have missed intimacy with God.

I have missed God.

I have missed how He makes me feel.

I have missed the joy we experience.

And sometimes even though I know He is with me, and I know He understands the yearning I have of Him, I forget He hears EVERYTHING.  I was talking with Duane in the car, describing how I long for God, how I just want to clearly hear His voice, as I choked down my tears.  It was the longing of my heart.

I just didn't realize that God was going to be so quick to respond.  And I didn't realize that my life was about to turn.

I had a dream last week.  One that was clearly from God.  I woke with a smile and just longed to be back in the dream again.  It was simple, beautiful and playful.  One I have thought of over and over again in the days that followed.  The message was simple, there is beauty that comes from the valley, God longs to play with me and the Holy Spirit too.

Finding a church home has been a long journey.  One that actually started before we moved.  It has been frustrating, isolating and tiring.  God clearly told me that we needed to go to one church we had just visited the week before, when I was ready to go to another and call it "good".  It is funny how when God tells us to go somewhere, that all of a sudden I don't have to assess the environment, it is mine, and it is where I'm to be.  There is ownership and belonging that comes with it. And it is so much better than just settling and calling it "good" ... because when God sends us somewhere - it is GREAT!

Perhaps something happened at church.  I received the message, and it was timely.  I received worship and gave my heart to God once again.  But nothing moved me more than normal.  However, when I turned on "My Worship" playlist on my iPod, my heart soared like it used to.  I even had a dance in my step.  And there was a moment of intimacy with God.  And a smile on my face.

I do remember God prompting me to go and look through my hope chest, as I sat and listened to the message.  I didn't know why, and I did wonder if I was hearing things.  But I have felt this nagging prompting to do so every since.  So this morning I sat and looked through some of it.  And I got it.

My hope chest used to be filled with things I longed to hope for.  It used to be filled with things I was going to bring into a home, into a marriage and perhaps into the lives of children.  But now when you open my hope chest ... it is filled with the once upon a time of things I hoped for now becoming greater treasures than I could imagine.

When you dig through my hope chest ... you won't find anything of monetary value.  You won't find the computer, the dishes I am saving for, nor the things that take my time and energy each day.  And you yourself won't find much meaning through the clothes, papers, pictures and things.  But these are the things I hold so dear.  A box full of love letters, and a ring box that once held an engagement ring.  So many papers, pictures and handmade gifts that the girls have made, and given over the years:  apologies, adoration and love is throughout the chest.  Some cards from extended family and friends of encouragement.  There are baby dresses that the girls wore on their dedication days, a baby blanket made from my grandmother for her first grandchild, baby teeth of mine given to the tooth fairy, and many letters to God buried throughout each layer of treasure.  These are the things I hold dear.

Why would God send me to the chest?

To show me, that He has a hope chest just the same.  I don't get to see all of it now, but I have seen some of it.  The countless journals of our interactions, prayers - answered and unanswered, pouring of my heart to Him ... the songs of my heart.  I look forward to seeing the artwork I have created for Him that He has called it treasure.  I'm sure there will be glimpses of pictures He holds dear, but I believe those pictures are going to surprise me.  Some could be the memories of when I accepted His love for the first time, and when He healed me from the torment of lies from the enemy ... but there are going to be things I have done or said, that He is going to treasure, that I have just forgotten about.  There will be apology letters like the ones I found from the girls.   And this valley we have walked through and the beauty we have found in it, will be there too.

God revealed to me this morning that He treasures so many times with me, and probably even more so than I realize.

I want to create more treasure for God to tuck away.  Those things that are so special and please His heart.  But just like I saw in the artwork of my little ones,  it doesn't take much to please Him, it is those things that come from the heart...my heart.

This past week He has shown me that He longs for intimacy too .... and treasures it.

And He longs to have intimacy with you.  He has a hope chest filled with so much of you.  I encourage you to take the time to look through it, and see what God holds so dear.  It is going to surprise you!