Thankful for Each of You

 “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:8-11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It is about time I recognize so many.  I have a story to tell.  And God has directed me to writing.  I just have chosen not to write, nor tell my story because I have believed that my story isn’t worth sharing … and truthfully … who reads this blog?  

I read this passage tonight in several translations.  And as I read it, I could identify with the words.  I could easily say “…I was crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure COVID-pneumonia, and I thought I would never live through it.  In fact, I expected to die.  But as a result, I stopped relying on myself and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  And He rescued me and will continue to rescue me again.  I have placed my confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue me.  And YOU are helping me by praying for me.”

I have so much to say, but I will start there.  I endured Covid, and five days later I was in the ER being diagnosed with pneumonia , and the day after I was back at the ER because my oxygen level was so low, leading me in the ICU for 11 days, and then 5 days in the hospital until I could go home.  Now two months later, I am still in recovery.  I still have oxygen attached to me constantly, and unable to work.  I depend on those around me.  Healing is coming, but slower than anyone anticipated. 

My husband and I never got to say goodbye as they whisked me away to ICU and he couldn’t stay with me.  We were totally separated.  I was afraid because he has all the answers and he would always look after me.  But for the first time in our 29 years of marriage, I didn’t have him to depend on.  Duane could call the nurses and hear updates, but the doctors and the hospital would never contact him or return his calls.  I was incoherent with sickness and drugged with medication; so we both didn’t know what was going on or the outcome.  I was put on the maximum oxygen intake one can receive.  They tried putting a pressurized mask on me without any communication which didn’t turn out well … and I was just shy of going on the ventilator.  Life was uncertain for me. 

The first two days life was so uncertain - and I didn’t know if I would see Duane ever again.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to love on my girls and experience the life I have come accustomed to.  I was scared.  I needed Duane near me and pleaded to go home the very first day.  But with no strength, no ability to take in air and no wellness whatsoever going home was not going to happen.  

Rest never came because Duane wasn’t there.  Rest also never came because fear controlled my mind and heart - I didn’t know what they were giving me, and I didn’t know all these faces coming in and out of my room; the sounds and the constant interruptions of vitals being taken wouldn’t let me sleep either.  Duane had called at one point and it was reported to him that I am not resting nor eating.  Duane sent me a text encouraging me to eat and sleep.  But he didn’t understand that I needed him.  

Sometime in those two days I realized the people I have known are more likely going to be seen again when we all meet together in heaven.  It also didn’t help that my boss had texted and said “see you on the other side”.  I had no fight within.  And finally peace filled me, and filled my room.  I had Jesus with me and was ready to just hold his hand and go with him.  I knew I was ok.  However, (as hard as it is to explain) I was encouraged to take one last look at what I was leaving.  I only got as far as looking at my husband and knowing we were just getting ready to celebrate 29 years of marriage and had plans to celebrate 30 years in another year!  God created me as a person who enjoys numbers … and I have always been determined to see those 30 years, and I didn’t want to miss it.  All of a sudden a big celebration wasn’t what was desired … I just wanted to hold Duane’s hand - no dinner, no flowers, no getaway - just his hand.  And that is when things changed for me … my soul seemed to wake and start to fight.  I was determined to live once again. 

There are many stories I will share with you in those 11 days in ICU.  Psalm 30 was the scripture I focused in on day and night.  I didn’t rest until I created a playlist to sing over me and make sure that I was worshipping not only when I was awake but I wanted my soul to worship as I slept too.  My mind had to be focused on Him - not the lack of Duane’s presence or the fear that would creep in.  In spite of my stay being much longer than I had ever visualized, I knew I was going to be ok because God’s word and our praise for Him doesn’t come back void.  

But there was another reason I came through this life and death situation … it was because of each of you.  Your prayers saved my life.  Your prayers opened the doors for Jesus to come.  Your prayers brought peace not only to me and in my room, but for Duane too.  Your prayers brought me healing.  Your prayers not only helped me physically - but emotionally and spiritually too.  Your prayers were so powerful - and “God will continue to rescue” because of your faithfulness in prayer.  

So today I give God thanks once again for bringing me through this, and saving me.  But I give YOU thanks too!  Your faithfulness was so good to me.  

~Karen

In All Circumstances I Will Give Thanks

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.  Live in peace with each other.  And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.  

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt.  Test everything.  Hold on to the good.  Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming o the Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:28

It was a week ago, as the administrator,  I discovered salary compared to my fellow workers.  Anger came with it.  I felt cheated, used and a big slap in my face.  Face it, my heart for my company, and my role is being taken for granted.  I even had thoughts of reverse discrimination on my heart and lips … as I know the comments that have been made in the past that revealed my boss's heart, and the circumstances my fellow workers face compared to my blessings.  I will confess bitterness, ungratefulness and ugliness filled my being.  And I was ready to give my notice.

It was all justified.

In the midst of this anguish, I have dealt with Duane's job and it's lack of leadership and how it's affecting my husband and his demeanor at home.  The shock of my peace and hope being robbed from me when I heard how after my dad's return home things aren't as they seem and now needs a permanent care facility.  Still finding my fit and purpose at my church and always question if I'm good enough.  And the continued battle of entitled customers who want to fight, intimidate and threaten - all over chicken.

It's been a very hard week.

I've been angry, bitter, hurt, and beaten this week.  Yet we turned the page of the calendar today. And we are now in the month of thanksgiving.  And I can't help but remember "give thanks in all circumstances".  I am reminded too I can change my circumstances with thanksgiving not just over my lips, but in my heart as we arre called.

I'm leading a Bible study about Gideon.  Priscilla Shirer reminds us "God designed your key specifically to fit the lock He has in mind for you.  He uses your weaknesses, the areas and places where you feel the least strong, to open a divine door".  God uses our weaknesses to show how strong He is, and a reminder of WHO He is.

Life is hard.  Life isn't fair.  But this season of Thanksgiving, may in mark a start of a heart of gratitude not for a month but for a lifetime.  And may I see my God in the midst of my circumstances and see not only what I have to be thankful for, but who I have to be thankful to.

I may have "reasons" to quit.  I may have an ungrateful employer.  But like the disciples in the boat, focusing on the storm that they were in the midst of instead of Jesus who was with them I too can shift my eyes off the circumstances and see the God I have to hold onto.  With Him I can find my peace, trust and comfort. I can see my weaknesses - my lack of education, my lack of experience, my financial mistakes, my bad behavior and anger towards everyone this week …. and see I have a God who provides enough, a God who remains faithful and protects, and a God strong enough to carry me through the storms, and will justify all that comes against me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds in these circumstances … but I do know if I shift my eyes I will have the highest regard because I continue to be a hard worker.  I am to be patient with those around me, hold onto good, be joyful always, be thankful continually.  And I am able to do these things if I shift my eyes toward Him and off the circumstances.  I'm God's vessel … those who come against me, are coming against the God who takes residence within me.  And as his word says:  "He is faithful and will do it".

I'm thankful for a job I enjoy.  I am thankful I have a setting that I can change someones day around.  I am thankful I am able to use my spiritual gifts, and even though I don't "preach" to those around me, most see the Jesus within me and treat me with respect.  I am thankful others feel comforted, encouraged, loved and appreciated by me and find me to be a safe place to come to to share their hearts and let me pray over them (even though they don't know that's what I do).  But more importantly I am thankful to a God who sees, who loves, forgives and will use a weak person like me with crappy circumstances and do something even greater to show how perfect and great He is.

Embrace The Moments

"You don't know what you are asking,"

Mark 10:38a

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'"

Luke 23:34a

I have mentioned to you the place I have been in … loneliness I am now calling friend, which brings depression and sadness at times.  However, today I have seen the life around me … the housework that is begging for me to embrace and the little "to do"s that are on my list.  

I haven't had much motivation.  However, I have learned to embrace the season I am in.  But today I really embracing it.  

We live downtown in a city … BART is walkable, the grocery store is down the street and we are just a 10 minute walk to the center of town where the Farmer's market comes each week, the smells of many restaurants grab our attention, we can catch the newest release at the local theater, and shopping is at our fingertips.  We are a hop, skip and a jump from the on ramp to the freeway.  Life and it's busyness is all around us.    And yet … our little corner of the world seems to be a little country … critters and eggs to gather, a white fence and a gravel driveway, a little land to develop and a Ford truck.  It seems God has intertwined the country girl in me in the midst of city life.  And it works!

I have been searching for a job.  And I'm at that stage of life, I don't just want a job .. but something I can make a difference in, something I can have passion for and something I can believe in.  So looking for something just doesn't come easy … after all, God has always brought all of my jobs to me.  So yesterday, I let it go into God's hands and I have now embraced peace.

But today …. I haven't done much.  But what I have done is been reachable to the daughter who is trying to make her own decisions and share her frustrations.  A new little "critter" has come to stay .. and I was able to teach him how to explore his mansion we built for him.  My cat has been exceptionally social with me today .. giving, protective and loving, as if to say how thankful she is that I'm just around.  Creations have been started for my husband's birthday.  I'm home much more, so I am able to let the chickens out of their pen and spoil them with conversation and snacks and in return they have been very generous with their egg laying.  My husband may not walk in to a home cook meal, but he does walk in to a home full of peace.  I have labeled my not getting things done as laziness … but I just now have seen them as embracing my moments and the life I am in.  

I pondered the above verses in my head.  I know they are out of context … however, for me, it goes to show that God knows more than I.  I think I want a job, then He shows me to wait, be still, and embrace the moments I am in.  Now I think I don't want a job.  It is fair to make the observation "I don't know what I am asking" … because I don't know what to ask.  However, I do know I want to be in His will.  

I am thankful that Jesus, in his final breath asked for forgiveness for this very season I am in … of not knowing what I am doing.  Because Lord knows, I have been so angry, so condemning, so lost that I needed every ounce of forgiveness I could receive.  

So I will wait.  I will embrace.  I will enjoy the critters that surround me.  I will be thankful for the joy they bring, and see that God has allowed me to be me in the midst of it all.  And I will embrace the season I am in. 

Loneliness is not my friend … Embrace is.  And through embrace I have found peace and comfort.  

God I am thankful for You, and how You have been speaking to my heart!

The Missing Puzzle Piece

My daughter loves puzzles.  Ha!  So do the cats!  Thus the reason she can't get her big 9000 peice puzzle out, or the cats will have ever piece under the couches, chewed on or just all over the place.  Sometimes we end of with one piece of a puzzle in another's box … or I'll just find a loose piece that got missed getting in the box.

I feel like that missing puzzle piece.  I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.

Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate.  I never felt old until this winter.  I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain.  Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed.  I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days.  And then this year with all the illness' that are going around.  First I got bronchitis and then the flew.  I'm still not 100% better.  

Finances are a bit out of control in our household.  We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding.  We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017.  Normal stuff … nothing unusual.  I mean other family's have it much worse.  But I like things just so, and they aren't.

Our marriage is like everyone else.  Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house.  We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs.  But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another.  We are strangers.  I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again.  It's a normal thing … normal.  Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't.  I really love my husband and think the world of him.  I need him now more than ever.  I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him.  And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world.  Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.

My faith.  I have it.  I'm not hearing a lot from God latley.  I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk.  But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear.  I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have.  I don't know.  I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me.  Perhaps I need to repent again.  However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.  

I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder.  But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave.  I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away.  Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.  

When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California.  I missed my friends and the friendliness of California.  Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church.  I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs.  And I would remember how to meet his.  I also know now California's relationships have come to a close.  My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.  

On top of it all.  I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship".  He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties.  I don't think you can get much slower.  He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times.  I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers.  Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call.  I hold my breath each time the phone rings.  And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world.  I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out.  Yet … I already feel rejected.  Again.  I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more.    Abandonement.  It brings so much baggage.  Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life.  Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again.  I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.

And home.  My house is a mess and I know how to fix that!  Yet I don't.  Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick.  Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father.  But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life.  I should be honored, but I'm not.  I want to be looked at as more. 

My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been.  Life sucks sometimes and right now it does.  I feel lost.  Alone.  Forgotten.

I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.  

I'm waiting.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And even though life sucks right now … I will pray - again.  I will rejoice for everything is good.  And I will give thanks.

I Choose To Be Thankful ...

My heart has been heavy these past weeks.  Truth hasn't seemed to win out, and it anguishes me. 

The Ebola outbreak.

A few weeks ago, missionaries that were just a few miles from our children came to the US, to seek medical treatment and have been healed.  Don't get me wrong...I prayed for them, and am so thankful God showed his mercy and healed them. 

And now our country thinks everything is over.  Ebola hasn't won.  And it's over.

But it's not.

It is worse than ever, a matter-of-fact.  People are dying constantly everyday.  It seems I can hear the wailing as I sleep, and in my waking hours.  The wailing of hopelessness.  It seems I can feel the depth of despair and even the questioning if God is listening.

Our country has sent over experimental drugs to help those in this fight for their lives.  But our country has sent over drugs to a corruptive country.  Liberia's government will see who gets help and who doesn't.  They will make sure one tribe will survive over the other, and the government will see to it that they themselves are safe.  But those in the bush, those in the orphanages and those who don't matter (in the country's eyes) ... they will never see the "help" that was sent.

This disease needs to be isolated, true.  But in Liberia it is the extreme.  I know one particular story that a son tested negative to the disease, but his whole family died.  He was still shunned and isolated ... left to starve and die, because he was related to the deceased, even though evidence proved he was safe.  Villages and slums are quarantined.  Food doesn't come in.  And because of the state of the country, food isn't necessarily grown.  Starvation is now a factor.  And those who have food, are selling their goods at an outrageous price ... and we are talking about the second poorest country in the world.  I can imagine the food going bad before the price could be met. 

Things seem hopeless.  My heart remains heavy and in anguish.

Yet I'm reminded through Paul's words in Philippians of the hope we have.  That we are to look outside of the situations.  Look outside of the prison walls he knew so well, look outside of the cross our Savior endured but look to the One that is our prize.  (Philippians 3:14)  I'm to rejoice in the Lord always, not to be anxious about anything, but in everything , by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God.  Today I search for the peace of God which will transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:4-7)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  (Philippians 4:8-9)

I admit, it is hard to find good, noble, right, pure and lovely, admirable and excellent things in this situation that strikes close to our home.  Our children could be starving.  They were hungry before, and the depth of hunger pains are more likely increased.  They could be isolated.  The country is so poor, communication isn't an option.  Fear is evident from what we do know.  Fear rises in me as well.  How can I be thankful?

But I choose to stand on faith.  I choose to believe the God that says he hears, hears.  I choose to believe the God that says he fights, will fight.  I choose to believe the God that says he comforts, will comfort.  I choose to believe the God that says he protects, will protect.   And I choose to believe the God that says he is hope will remain hope. 

I choose to shift my eyes more upward.  And I consider it my thanksgivings - the boy I shared many laughs with, the girl I held and let become a peanut butter mess.  I am thankful of the songs of joy as they danced and sang before the Lord.  And with the thankfulness, somehow I know God will rise above this all ... and even in this hopeless mess, everything will be ok.  
 

A Humbling Lesson taught from the Least of His.

We found out earlier this past week that a famous man has passed away.  A man that we are not only fond of, but has brought us much joy.  And it got me thinking.

You see, when I say famous ... he wasn't one of glamour or wealth.  He wasn't one that many people knew.  A matter-of-fact, many of you have never heard of him.  But if you have ever visited San Francisco, and toured the area you more likely had a run in with him - and even a scare.

The Bush Man.

I have come to an age where I know that many of us have the same struggles ... finances, parenting, job influences and the list goes on.  However, I admit it wasn't even too long ago that I could look at a person and size them up by saying: "They don't understand.  They don't have the same situation as I do".  You know there is some truth in that, as we all have our different upbringings and circumstances.  But we do all battle the same kind of struggles, we just handle them sometimes differently.


And with that thought, I thought of the Bush Man. 

If anyone has been in San Francisco, you would find him amongst the many street entertainers that greet you along Fisherman Wharf.  In the midst of the entertainment, you would find what appears to be a bush growing on the sidewalk.  And as you approached it, the Bush Man would jump out and scare you, and then fall quickly right back into position.  I have fallen for this many of times.  Now, on the other side of the street where he was you would find a huge crowd gathered watching and laughing as each victim would approach.  The Bush Man was a huge success. 

I can't help but wonder when he would finish his day, and in the quietness of the hour how he might have doubted his talent.  He could have had that thought; "oh, I'm not talented like those other men on the street", "if only I could be like them".  And then I even wondered if he too battled the thought that he hasn't done anything great with his life, hasn't impacted anyone or had a purpose.

I pray that he died in peace, without these thoughts.  But his death did get me thinking.

I battle those thoughts.  I compare myself to you and others that I meet, and size myself up as not being like you or them, and wishing I could be that much better.  I too have questioned my greatness and purpose, and have wondered if I have impacted anyone.  But this week I have remembered the Bush Man.

He may not have saw himself as value or greatness.  But I did.  He may have saw his homeless state and thought he should have done something better with his life.  However, I see him living selflessly, bringing joy to strangers that he didn't even know, enjoying life as it was and being content with how life was.  And isn't that one of our purposes in life, finding the joy of the life God has given us and bringing it to those we do life with?  Aren't we to be thankful in all circumstances and considering it all joy? 

Oh, Bush Man ... you have taught me a great lesson.  And for that I'm thankful.  I will miss you when I visit.   But I will promise you this, I will find the joy in life God has given me and choose to be thankful.  And as I find my joy and thankfulness in God, and focus on these things ... I too will impact those around me. 

The Last Grains of Sand in the Hour Glass

We had to write our goals for the coming year at work; both business and personal.  (I think I should add blogging, I love to write and get my thoughts cleared on "paper"!)  I wrote my list, then I'd add to it, so I'd reprint it one more time. 

I'm anticipating so much this year.  It is funny once those goals are written down, it becomes more of a reality, something to work toward.  I'm sure that it was the company's ploy as they will see much improvement in their employees, as well as improvement in their store.  But it has changed how I manage my time.

I confess I can be a workaholic.  There is something always that needs to be done, and I have this mind set there, as well as home, that "I'm the only person who'll do it".  And with that mindset I spend a lot of time at the store, even more than the time sheet says.  Don't get me wrong.  The other thing I battle is frankly I love my job and its atmosphere.  I love the guests and building relationships.  They encourage me as much as I try to encourage them.  That love will pull me back in as well.

But when I look at my goal list, I see at the very top of the list is:  Not to miss an opportunity to embrace a moment with my girls. 

Katie has 1 1/2 years left in high school, and how she turns 18 this year, and Courtney has 2 1/2 years and turns 16 years old.  I see the hour glass with just a few grains of sand in it.  My time is running out with them. 

I have learned through Lindsay how being an "adult" looks like.  Real responsibilities come.  Time is of the essence.  We compete with boys, school, friends and work.  Home is viewed as something that will always be there, but not something to be part of as much.  We rejoice in her accomplishments from afar and remain on our knees for the challenges that are ahead for her.  She walks this path without her parents holding her hands, and we hope we said all the right words to her in the earlier years to help her through.  She does her thing, as we do ours.    

Pretty soon, Katie will be there.

Then Courtney.

Then life is completely different from the one I have dreamt of, and that is so much apart of who I am.  It is scary to think of life being different.  It brings me so much sorrow as I think of life being so drastically different.  I have been looking at pictures of when our family was young a lot, and wishing I could turn back and hold them more.  I look back wishing I put the chore I was so focused on getting done, and hold or play with my girls one more time.   

We get several emails a day from colleges wanting Katie.  There seems to be a power that rises in me when I hit that delete button, and something inside of me says "No!  You can't have her yet!". 

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I dreamt of the babies to hold, and little ones to care for.  I didn't think of the difficulties of the teenage years, but planned for the years ahead just the same. 

I think of how many times I fell down on bended knee praying for God to give me wisdom and give me the right words to say to help teach them.  Or the strength to get through temper tantrums.  I wondered if they would ever be out of diapers.  I prayed for my girls as they journeyed through school and discovered challenges along the way.  I pleaded to draw them back to me when they journeyed onto independence.  And I will continue to repeat those same prayers as they each go onto their next adventure - even though the giggles won't be heard on the other side of these walls.  Space will separate us.  But my love will be all over them - even though I won't be near to hold them.

And in all this dread of the years ahead, and the sting of sorrow, I choose to be thankful. 

I'm thankful to you God, for the years in the past.  I'm thankful for giving me the dream to be a mom, and fulfilling that dream.  I'm thankful for the list of goals we had to do, so I can turn away from my job more and turn toward these girls before they are off to their next adventure.  I'm thankful that you have given me strength when needed, and thankful you'll continue to give me strength in the years to come.  And I'm thankful that you hold me more and more each day, as I let go of these girls one by one.  I welcome your embrace.

So yes, I have turned away from my job little by little, and embrace those moments of hearing about their days as they come home from school, playing games in spite of the hour or day it is and I will crawl in their rooms at night, as they sleep and hold them a little while longer.

A God of Second Chances

"and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5

 



OK Moms, we have all had one of those mornings.  Those mornings that kids aren't doing as they should, making the same wrong decisions...that they should know by now, a pile of things you wake up to that seem you are the only one that can do it.  You know, one of those mornings. 

I had that morning this morning.  One daughter skipped breakfast, while the other didn't take care of the pet.  A heaping pile of receipts needing to be entered in the registry and a house that just seems get messier and messier.  I admit it ... I took the wrong approach.  I blew.  I yelled.  I heard Duane's apology - again.  I was one step out the door, ready to leave it all.  Yeah, all the wrong approach.  I am tired.  We are all emotionally stressed out.  And we are all exhausted.  And to add to it all ... finals week. 

Well, I wanted to run.  I have thought of a plan of leaving and going to a hotel where I can escape it all and get a lot of sleep.  And be surrounded by quiet.  The romantic thought was very enticing, and when I left for work this morning I wondered of how to make it happen with all of today's events taking place ahead of me. 

I left work early for an appointment Katie had.  And a parent's nightmare was coming true.  I received a text from Katie stating:  "We are in a lock down.  It is the real thing this time." 

Shock.  Disbelief.  Fear.  Panic.  They all took place.

And in the moments that followed I remembered how I greeted them this morning.  I remembered that I didn't hug or kiss them.  I questioned if they knew my love for them.  And I pleaded to God to give me another chance.

The lock down, turned to be a lock out; meaning that the issue was on the outside of the school....where I was headed.  Things turned around.  Katie was the only one who had contact with me, and she knew that their was a gunman running around in our neighborhood.  Now she feared what I was going home to, and if anyone was going to run to our home. 

Our minds have such a way of imagination.  Perhaps that is what God means, when he says to "take every thought captive".  Don't let us imagine, let us pray, let our thoughts be the very thoughts God has, let us be reminded of the God He is and cast out any worse scenarios.  If we know our God we are reminded that it is not in His character and far from His thoughts to go against us.  Bad things happen to good people, but God isn't the One who creates the bad.  It is us that doesn't captivate our thoughts.  There is no reason to imagine the worse.  There is no reason to head down a pathway that is far from the nature of our God.

I don't have to wait until tomorrow for my second chance.  I received it this afternoon.  I have embraced the girls who jumped in my car, and stuck around me a little closer today.  I have loved them with a brand new love.  I'm also thankful to the One who yearns for me to spend time with Him so I can have the opportunity to know Him, and the One who continues to keep our family safe. 

3Gs!

It always amazes me with the world of technology and I admit; that I too like to indulge into a little piece of cyber space.  Technology is planning to release the next greatest thing: 5Gs(although that statement could be outdated the moment I post this).  And even though they are finalizing and mastering the 5G, it is only the stepping stone of getting to the era of a much bigger world that I can't even fathom; but they do.  I just stand amazed as people have the creativity to dream bigger and bigger, and continue to achieve those dreams.  I admire them as they celebrate their accomplishments, for they have much reason to celebrate.

I too have lived dreaming bigger and bigger.  I have achieved my dreams, have built stepping stones along the way, but I don't think I have celebrated each of them.

As funny as it sounds, we're still adjusting to what has always been our norm.  It has been a little over a month since our son has been removed from our home, and we're still adjusting to things as they were before.  I still fumble when asked "how many in your party?" as we dine out.  And it isn't only because our son is gone, but now with our oldest being partially gone as well. 

There isn't a day that doesn't go by, when I'm not wondering about our son.  He's always in our heart, and now I see he always will be. 

I now look at our family.  We are currently adjusting rooms once again, giving everyone their own space decorated in their own personality.  As we started this process, I was allowing the practicality rule me.  But truth is, seeing the evidence of a room that has stood empty as it waited for a Liberian boy to come, and then what was once filled with a beautiful and broken 10 year old was more than I could stand to see anymore.  It was time to reclaim what was ours...and it took having a broken dream to see what was before me.  And as we recover, and as we decorate the rooms to fit their own personalities, it is given me a way to recover from a painful loss and actually celebrate the individuals in the family we have.  

Last night we were able to go to the drive-in movies with two of our girls, and it was a moment I was able to embrace.  I admit that as we drove there, I thought of our son:  how he would have enjoyed this night, and the plans we made months ago of seeing this movie together.  But as the four of us huddled and cuddled in the back of our SUV as we watched the movie, I realized "this was good". 

And that is when I realized I live in a 3G world. And it is ok!  Our 3G are our three girls:  Lindsay, who is more out of the house than in these days as she is finding strength in spreading her wings.  Katie, our strong leader with a compassionate spirit.  And Courtney who is our glue of the family that keeps us all in tact. 

I was shown last night as we watched the movie how technology is always looking more into the future...3D movies, more G's in our laptops and cell phones, more computer capabilities and the list goes on.  I too lived in the mindset of seeing more.  But now I see what I have and find contentment in lives worth celebrating.  A world that is enough for me.  One full of joy, silliness and heart.  One I can relate to more than any other and one that was built just for me. 

So as the world shows me their new gizmos, the next bigger and better thing.  I refuse to fall into that trap and choose to look into the beautiful faces I see looking back at me and be thankful for the world I have to live.  It is the biggest and best thing I know. 

So Thankful for You!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thess 5:16-18

Thankfulness was my topic in my Bible study today. The following statement hit me between the eyes:  "Not everything that happens in life is His will.  He didn't cause the crisis that an individual or a nation may be facing.  He actually cannot give things that are not good, because he does not have them.  God can give only good gifts because He is good, and He has only good gifts to give.  So giving thanks in everything does not mean that the adversity came from God.  But when you give thanks in the midst of an adverse situation, a difficulty that was intended to undermine your faith and even destroy you enables you to take hold of that situation and set it apart to God and His purposes."  Bill Johnson

What does that mean to me?

To this day I receive question after question about our children in Liberia.  No one understands.  What I understand and share doesn't make sense.  But in the back of their minds they question how God could allow these children to be raised in an orphanage. Some question if we heard right.  Some doubt.  Some condemn.  And I totally get it, because I have been in the same place. 

I have allowed anger, bitterness, and disappointment fill my heart and close parts of my heart from God.  But when I sit and ponder all that God has done through my life...the big things as well as the minor, God has proved Himself faithful and true.  He has never left me, and has continued to pour His love on me.  He continues to show His goodness in my life.  Bottom line, a good God doesn't do something bad and I have reason to be thankful in spite of Elijah and Ruth being here or not.

And that is where I'm at - a heart of thankfulness.  Thank you God for providing Elijah and Ruth a home, food and provision.  Thank you for keeping them healthy and well taken care of.  Thank you for the people who have been placed in theirs and our lives to give us connection.  I am thankful God, you have allowed me to go and hold them.  Thank you for the hope that you have shown us throughout the past four years as we wait.  Oh God, I so appreciate how you have held our hearts, wiped our tears away as well as theirs.  Thank you for not walking away from me when I have been bitter and angry toward you, but instead you held me that much tighter.  Thank you that I don't have to understand any of this ... but I can trust you know what is best and will take care of it all.  Thank you for your love for each of us.  Thank you for never turning your heart away from me and remaining so good.  Thank you, thank you and thank you for you...I love you so much.  I choose to be thankful as I have so much to be thankful for, and through it all I can see how big you are.  I open my heart fully to you, asking and receiving your love in all areas of my heart.  I give everything over to you completely, today and everyday.  No more hiding, no more doubt ... but rather my mind, heart and soul fully devoted to you - and thank you for receiving it always. 

So on this very special day I say THANK YOU GOD for all these things, and blessing our son with another birthday.  Thank you for being the perfect parent in His life.  This special day we celebrate the evidence of YOU in his life.

HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY ELIJAH!!!!!!