I feel like that missing puzzle piece. I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.
Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate. I never felt old until this winter. I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain. Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed. I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days. And then this year with all the illness' that are going around. First I got bronchitis and then the flew. I'm still not 100% better.
Finances are a bit out of control in our household. We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding. We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017. Normal stuff … nothing unusual. I mean other family's have it much worse. But I like things just so, and they aren't.
Our marriage is like everyone else. Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house. We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs. But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another. We are strangers. I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again. It's a normal thing … normal. Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't. I really love my husband and think the world of him. I need him now more than ever. I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him. And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world. Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.
My faith. I have it. I'm not hearing a lot from God latley. I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk. But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear. I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have. I don't know. I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me. Perhaps I need to repent again. However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.
I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder. But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave. I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away. Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.
When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California. I missed my friends and the friendliness of California. Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church. I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs. And I would remember how to meet his. I also know now California's relationships have come to a close. My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.
On top of it all. I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship". He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties. I don't think you can get much slower. He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times. I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers. Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call. I hold my breath each time the phone rings. And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world. I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out. Yet … I already feel rejected. Again. I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more. Abandonement. It brings so much baggage. Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life. Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again. I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.
And home. My house is a mess and I know how to fix that! Yet I don't. Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick. Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father. But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life. I should be honored, but I'm not. I want to be looked at as more.
My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been. Life sucks sometimes and right now it does. I feel lost. Alone. Forgotten.
I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.
I'm waiting.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
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