The Missing Puzzle Piece

My daughter loves puzzles.  Ha!  So do the cats!  Thus the reason she can't get her big 9000 peice puzzle out, or the cats will have ever piece under the couches, chewed on or just all over the place.  Sometimes we end of with one piece of a puzzle in another's box … or I'll just find a loose piece that got missed getting in the box.

I feel like that missing puzzle piece.  I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.

Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate.  I never felt old until this winter.  I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain.  Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed.  I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days.  And then this year with all the illness' that are going around.  First I got bronchitis and then the flew.  I'm still not 100% better.  

Finances are a bit out of control in our household.  We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding.  We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017.  Normal stuff … nothing unusual.  I mean other family's have it much worse.  But I like things just so, and they aren't.

Our marriage is like everyone else.  Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house.  We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs.  But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another.  We are strangers.  I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again.  It's a normal thing … normal.  Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't.  I really love my husband and think the world of him.  I need him now more than ever.  I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him.  And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world.  Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.

My faith.  I have it.  I'm not hearing a lot from God latley.  I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk.  But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear.  I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have.  I don't know.  I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me.  Perhaps I need to repent again.  However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.  

I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder.  But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave.  I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away.  Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.  

When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California.  I missed my friends and the friendliness of California.  Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church.  I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs.  And I would remember how to meet his.  I also know now California's relationships have come to a close.  My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.  

On top of it all.  I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship".  He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties.  I don't think you can get much slower.  He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times.  I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers.  Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call.  I hold my breath each time the phone rings.  And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world.  I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out.  Yet … I already feel rejected.  Again.  I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more.    Abandonement.  It brings so much baggage.  Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life.  Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again.  I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.

And home.  My house is a mess and I know how to fix that!  Yet I don't.  Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick.  Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father.  But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life.  I should be honored, but I'm not.  I want to be looked at as more. 

My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been.  Life sucks sometimes and right now it does.  I feel lost.  Alone.  Forgotten.

I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.  

I'm waiting.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And even though life sucks right now … I will pray - again.  I will rejoice for everything is good.  And I will give thanks.

Through Loss … I see I Have Gained!

I had a huge scare that started this past Tuesday.  Some of you it is no big deal … but to me it was HUGE.

I lost my Bible.

I am a woman of routine and I looked through all the spots that it could have been and then all the spots that it would more likely not be.  We were in a rental car this week, and I had my husband search the car.  It wasn't there.  Then as any woman would do, I went to look through it … even twice, and even a third.  It wasn't there.  It was officially lost.

I had it Sunday.  We had an event at church where 26 people were baptized!  We had a celebration, and had lunch at the church.  Could I have left it there?  Possibly.  But I thought I remembered carrying it throughout.  

We just started attending this church a little over a month ago.  We have been in a season of Lack - connection, identity and even it began to pull on our hope and caused hurt and pain (that we are still working through).  I began to question if God even cared where we worshipped.  It has always been laid on our heart to be part of our own community.  I can't explain it, but the pull on our heart is GREAT.  We know with all our being that this was put on our heart by God himself.  This church is walkable, and I can't explain how surprised we are to find exactly what we have been looking for - and in our backyard!  

I remembered a few months ago, that my Bible was collecting a bit of dust (at least in my eyes).  Yes, it would be picked up for church and I would fumble through the pages in the sermon.  I would even pick it up on occasion to find a verse that was in my mind.  But the actually reading of the Book, I just was too tired to do so, and was frankly a bit bored with it.  When I realized this attitude that was within me, I prayed that my hearts desire would change and I would long for my Bible again.

Ever since we moved I have longed for an in depth Bible study.  I would find women's get togethers but not a study like I had longed for.  I was even willing to lead one if that is what it took … but then the issue would be "who would come".  Hopelessness started to wear it's toll on my heart in this area, and I started to just accept how we have to make the church more inviting and "friendly" to woman and connect differently.  I accepted it, but missed my studies where God became real and even more powerful that I have known Him to be.   I never prayed about it.  I guess I figured God knew what He was doing and it was time for an "update" for my longings in the area of a women's study.

Courtney came to me and asked if I would do a Bible study with her.  She wanted to learn more about the pages she was reading, and understand its meaning.  My heart soared.  I borrowed a Beth Moore study from the church we were going to, and we have been in the word ever since.  I have been doing bits and pieces of my study and work, and when I'm looking up my scriptures I use my app on my phone.  But Tuesday night I wanted to open the actual pages, hear the crinkle of them when I turn them, smell the pages, read the gazillion notes and perhaps even add to them.  But it was no where to be found.

Wednesday morning on my way to work, I stopped by the church that was still unfamiliar to me.  I greeted those who greeted me with a smile, and asked if my Bible was found.  After giving a description and us looking at all the possibilities it was just not to be found.  My heart just sank.  But I was invited to cooperate prayer that evening … I mean it was a genuine invite.  And it was refreshing to receive.

I arrived to work, and this particular day I was my happy self, but just deeply saddened inside.  I never knew how attached I had become to this Book.  I remembered the dates of dedications and baptisms that were in there.  I thought back and realized that this was my very first study Bible that my husband helped me pick out.  It has to be 25 years old.  That means there are 25 years of notes in the margins and highlighted verses.  I might not know what my Bible references are, but I knew where to find them on the page in my Bible.  There were ripped pages, and tear stained pages.  It is this Bible that I would read scriptures that would leap of the page at me, and help me realize that the God I have is a loving, gracious companion and has everything under control.  This Book brought me hope in the times when I felt hopeless, encouragement when I was down, and offered prayers when I didn't know what to say.  I found many answers in this Book.  I also took it for granted.

I realized yesterday my Bible had become more to me than I ever imagined.  My Bible had become a long time friend.  My Bible was my lifeline.  And now it was lost.

I had even prayed that I was willing to let it go, if it would make another's life richer.  But my heart still broke within.

With all the demands of work and errands, I still felt prompted to go to prayer.  I didn't understand why I was prompted, and even questioned if I heard the prompting right.  Afterwords, I saw someone I knew and I told her that I was a bit down as I had lost my Bible.  She helped me look one more time. The usual places.  And I saw some people that had smiles on and hearts of warmth and would greet me in my search.  Genuine people.  Happy people.  I even ran into the pastors, and they would keep their eyes out, and gave me encouragement - except when they were empathetic, which only made me realize more of what I was missing.  Upon my leaving, another pastor came in our path, and the lady mentioned about the loss of my Bible.  He had saw it.  He picked up something that wasn't it, and my heart sank even lower - and he looked in an unusual spot … and then handed me my Bible!  I hugged him, as I hugged my Bible.  

This morning I look at my Bible and know the comfort and strength I have because it is near to me, and I have it available to go to.  Yes, I could have used the other Bibles in the house, but they weren't enough for me.  This Bible and me go way back and we have taken many journeys through valleys and mountain tops together.  

It was through this journey that I realized God hears my deepest prayers, the prayers that I would call even the silliest prayers.   God made me long for my Bible and made me see the value within the pages and made me see even the value I have with Him through these pages.  

And within the last 48 hours I have seen that God has answered the deep cries of my heart.  There are crevices that I would cover, thinking they weren't necessary to bring to God.  But God has shown me through Bible study, through a new church, and the journey to recover my Bible He cares about the little stuff and the spiritual walk we are on.  I'm so thankful He does!

I Choose To Be Thankful ...

My heart has been heavy these past weeks.  Truth hasn't seemed to win out, and it anguishes me. 

The Ebola outbreak.

A few weeks ago, missionaries that were just a few miles from our children came to the US, to seek medical treatment and have been healed.  Don't get me wrong...I prayed for them, and am so thankful God showed his mercy and healed them. 

And now our country thinks everything is over.  Ebola hasn't won.  And it's over.

But it's not.

It is worse than ever, a matter-of-fact.  People are dying constantly everyday.  It seems I can hear the wailing as I sleep, and in my waking hours.  The wailing of hopelessness.  It seems I can feel the depth of despair and even the questioning if God is listening.

Our country has sent over experimental drugs to help those in this fight for their lives.  But our country has sent over drugs to a corruptive country.  Liberia's government will see who gets help and who doesn't.  They will make sure one tribe will survive over the other, and the government will see to it that they themselves are safe.  But those in the bush, those in the orphanages and those who don't matter (in the country's eyes) ... they will never see the "help" that was sent.

This disease needs to be isolated, true.  But in Liberia it is the extreme.  I know one particular story that a son tested negative to the disease, but his whole family died.  He was still shunned and isolated ... left to starve and die, because he was related to the deceased, even though evidence proved he was safe.  Villages and slums are quarantined.  Food doesn't come in.  And because of the state of the country, food isn't necessarily grown.  Starvation is now a factor.  And those who have food, are selling their goods at an outrageous price ... and we are talking about the second poorest country in the world.  I can imagine the food going bad before the price could be met. 

Things seem hopeless.  My heart remains heavy and in anguish.

Yet I'm reminded through Paul's words in Philippians of the hope we have.  That we are to look outside of the situations.  Look outside of the prison walls he knew so well, look outside of the cross our Savior endured but look to the One that is our prize.  (Philippians 3:14)  I'm to rejoice in the Lord always, not to be anxious about anything, but in everything , by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God.  Today I search for the peace of God which will transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:4-7)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  (Philippians 4:8-9)

I admit, it is hard to find good, noble, right, pure and lovely, admirable and excellent things in this situation that strikes close to our home.  Our children could be starving.  They were hungry before, and the depth of hunger pains are more likely increased.  They could be isolated.  The country is so poor, communication isn't an option.  Fear is evident from what we do know.  Fear rises in me as well.  How can I be thankful?

But I choose to stand on faith.  I choose to believe the God that says he hears, hears.  I choose to believe the God that says he fights, will fight.  I choose to believe the God that says he comforts, will comfort.  I choose to believe the God that says he protects, will protect.   And I choose to believe the God that says he is hope will remain hope. 

I choose to shift my eyes more upward.  And I consider it my thanksgivings - the boy I shared many laughs with, the girl I held and let become a peanut butter mess.  I am thankful of the songs of joy as they danced and sang before the Lord.  And with the thankfulness, somehow I know God will rise above this all ... and even in this hopeless mess, everything will be ok.  
 

God's Prayer for our Family

We hear that God's word is alive.  What does that mean?  For me sometimes that means when there is a word, a verse or passage that lifts off the pages and speaks right into my heart and situation I am going through. 

And sometimes, as this morning, it becomes the prayer of my heart.

 

Ephesians 4:1-5:21

As a child of God's may Duane, Lindsay, Katie and Courtney, our son and me live a life worthy of the calling we have received through you.  May we completely be humble and gentle; patient, bearing with one another in love.  May we all keep every effort to keep unity of the Spirit through your bond of peace.  May we stand in remembrance that we are one, as you are our Lord.  You are our faith and you are God and Father of us all.  You are over us all.

And to each of us you have given grace.

You have called each of us to be leaders, managers, husbands, wives, parents, musicians, doctors, chefs ... and the list goes on.  In our roles, may we serve you so you may be lifted up.  From you, God, may we be joined together, supporting one another, growing together and building each other up in love as we do our jobs, and as we are called.

We are taught under rules and consequences and even condemnation, which are what we've learned through generations before us.  We are made new in you, created to be like you in righteousness and holiness.

Therefore we put off condemnation and lies, and speak truthfully to one another, as we are all one body.  May we remember that in our anger to not go against you and your ways, so we may not give the Father of lies a foothold to our hearts.  If we are taking from each other without asking, may we stop and ask or even work hard for our own and even share that item with someone else in need.

God help us to lift each other up with our words; encouraging and building each other up, not discouraging, nor hurtful or condemnation.  Help us to watch our tongue, let it benefit those around.  I'm sorry for hurt I have caused you, as I'm sure our family is too.  It isn't our hearts desire, but rather to only please you.  If there is bitterness, rage, anger, hurtfulness or meanness in any of us, help us get rid of it and reach out to you.  Help us to be kind and compassionate to one another, and to be quick to forgive as you are quick to forgive us - and may this be rooted in each of us.

Father God, may we be an example of you.  May we live a life of love.  May our actions and our hearts be pleasing to you.  If there is any sexual immorality or impurity in us get rid of it.  If there is obscenity, cruelness or harsh joking amongst each other get rid of it.  May our hearts be filled with thanksgiving and joy instead.  And may our hearts be in a position of readiness to receive your kingdom.  Give us wisdom and discernment so we won't be deceived, so it won't lead us to disobey.

May we remember how you see us: as your light, as your children.  And the goodness, righteousness and truth You are is in us too.  May we expose you in us, not any darkness.  Because of you, darkness can't have any hold on us and must flee.  May we be careful how we live, use the wisdom you gave us, and making the most of every opportunity - even the hard ones, so we may trust and understand the will you have for each of us.  May we not be dependent on alcohol, drugs, sex or anything this world calls "fun" and "ok", but instead allow you to come into our hearts so we may be dependent on you.

May we live in a musical, celebrating in song, dance and joy.  May it be contagious to all near us.  And may we be quick to thank you for EVERYTHING, because you are the God who hears, who listens, who remains faithful and is ALWAYS good!

My Life, My Love, My Joy - My Husband

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." 
Genesis 1:31

 
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."

Psalm 34:8

 

 

I'm reminded how much God created and saw what He made was good.  I'm reminded as we walk this journey of adoption, through the tiredness and struggles that I can, should and will turn and see what God created is ALL good.  In the midst of all this, I have not only seen but have experienced and tasted something extremely good. 

 

Duane.

 

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-" 

Ephesians 5:28-29

 

I have always loved Duane, no doubt about it.  The love I have for Duane has grown over the last twenty years.  But I have discovered more than love over the last couple of months.  I have discovered a true admiration.  I have remained quiet as I watch. 

 

I have seen a man who has come alongside his wife and wipe her tears, laugh with me, and hear my anger and let it roll of his back.  I have been frustrated when the same crime has been committed by the same child, and patience was worn too thin - Duane was there, and took over the situation.  I have been hurt when the kids have thought their behaviors don't affect anyone, but have greatly wounded me - Duane has stepped in to protect.

I have seen a man that has committed his time with God.  I see him in his Bible and experience his hand on me as he prays over the family and me. I have watched him set a boundary and get filled as he attends his men's group at church. 

And now we have a new son.  A son that has never had a father.  A son that will listen to directions by his father, and put off the same directions when given by his mother.  A son that has a different way of thinking...one that I have no experience with.  A son that doesn't make the best choices.  A son that has exhausted us - more mentally than anything else.  But I have watched my husband, as I watch our son.  When I've been in tears, he's wiped them, heard them and stepped in to make things right.  He has remained the leader.

I have seen a husband come in from work, not complaining of the state of the house, nor that dinner is take-out (once again). 

I have seen a husband who has chipped in and helped with the household chores that used to be more manageable for me to handle, but instead of complaining he remains thankful I'm there in the midst of the chaos.

I have watched what I see a pillar of strength.  Yet I know where his strength comes from, or rather who is his source. 

Today I have a new thanksgiving in my heart.  I'm thankful for God giving me such a man.  But most of all, I'm thankful for being able to experience God in such a tangible way.  Duane doesn't realize how much I grow closer to God because of how Duane treats me.  He doesn't realize how much more I can see how much God loves me because of how Duane demonstrates that love.

What can I give such a man?  What can I do to return my appreciation of the man I share life with?  I pray, as I do each and every day.  I pray for him to the One who is the source of his strength, and the source of our love.

My Heavenly Father,

 

First, thank you for the husband you have given me, the one that makes me one with you.  Thank you for the good that you made in him, and thank you for making him very good.  Thank you for the love that sparked so many years ago, and that burns with passion today.  And thank you for allowing me to experience you and see you in the man that is made after your own heart.

 

Father God, I know that Duane is only strong because you are his strength.  I know you are the source of his patience, his kindness and giving heart.  I'm thankful that you have given him that desire to seek you for those attributes, and how he has learned to lean on you each and every day.  I'm thankful you continue to grow him, and that the good that you created him in is flourishing today.  I see you are good, because I see Duane is good.   

 

Father God, I also see the trials he is in.  I see the heartache at work.  I see the pressures of fathering a growing family.  I see the heartache of letting his precious girls go.  I see how the world is using him, and abusing him.  I see his tiredness and despair.  But more importantly you see it.  You see how each element tugs at his heart.  And today I see a tree, bending over with all the demands hanging from the branches.  And I shake it.  And I ask that you shake it completely, allowing his branches to raise up to you once again.  I ask that all the demands that weigh him down, let loose and bring my husband the freedom and passion he has in you once again. 

 

Today Lord, I give you my husband.  Your word remains true.  You remain faithful.  You remain good.  You know the plans you have declared for Duane, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.  And Duane will call upon you and come and pray to you.  He will listen to you, as he has done so many times.  And when he seeks you with all his heart, you will be found.  Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your promises.  And thank you for making everything good. 

Today I rest in you, as I give you my husband, and thank you for making him the man you called him to be and allowing him to be part of my life.



Worn

I have wanted to write so much.  There are so many things to share, yet when it finally comes to writing...how do I put these words down?  What exactly do I want to share?  My thoughts don't seem to flow as much as they used to.  So I don't write.   But today I choose to write, no matter how scattered it sounds. 


Our lives have been dumped upside down two months ago.  While we have had the joy and celebration of bringing another life into our family and home, we have also had the trauma, emotional scaring, and drama that also has come in.  Our lives have been filled with therapy appointments (individual, family and siblings), sibling visits, social worker, GAL and CASA appointments, court appointments, IEP testings, school appointments and advocating and the list just goes on.  A boy that has had ten years of negative or no attention is now demanding ALL our attention...leaving marriage, and the previous family relationships strained and drained.  We have felt so empty.  So discouraged.  So broken.  And we have been in tears. 

It has been a lonely road.  Stories of other adoptive parents have come our way with more suggestions of how to parent our new child.  Yet our story is different from theirs, and why their way works for them, it doesn't work for us.  Many of those we come into contact with, don't grasp at all what we are going through.  They give us their blank stares, and tell us "wow", and they change the subject.  No prayers.  No encouragement.  Nothing.  And then there are the select few who do grasp it; not only the change of numbers in our family, but the trauma that has come with it, and the fact we have a boy and not a girl
(which we are used to).  They have been encouraging and given us a listening ear.  But most of all prayer.

I won't lie.  We have questioned "have we done the right thing"?  But we look into his sweet brown eyes, and see the good that is there.  We confess to God, that this road isn't easy, and we're trying to muddle through but need Him to take the reigns.  And during that plea, that silent cry, I hear my heart's song on the radio....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

 

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left..

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know that a song can rise from the ashes of broken life

and all that's dead inside can be reborn.

I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin.

I'm worn.

Even before the day begins...

 

And some where in that cry...God heard my heart. 

 

My Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; I waited and waited, hoping for him to come, watching, knowing that He was the only one that could understood, He was the only one I could turn to.  Then He did turn to me and he heard my cry and plea, the desperation in my heart.

 

He lifted me out of that slimy pit, where discouragement seemed to be all around me, where loneliness was sitting in.  He lifted me out of the mud and mire of exhaustion and desperation.  He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand...that of Him.  He brushed off the ugliness that covered me, and helped me stand once again.  He put a new song in my mouth, an attitude of thankfulness and surrender.  He gave me a hymn of praise to our God, because He heard me and rescued me and showed me once again He is God.  I put my trust in Him, and know He is my source, my guide and my sustainer.

 

 

I can's say that the days have gotten easier...the trials remain the same, the demands are even more so, but my attitude has as I have given it to the One that can carry it way better than me.  I don't have to have the answers, because He does.  And I don't have to worry about doing things wrong, because I will ... but He will make it all right once again.  I have come to rely on Him more than I ever have before.  And I have come to rely on Him for something I never have relied on Him for before:  Rest.  It's there each day, waiting.  Because my God sustains me and gives me what I need.

A Mama's Hearts Prayer

Oh My Savior, My Father, My Great God, My Friend and Love,

You have impressed so much on my heart these past few hours ... to get them on paper will be a challenge, but being the perfect one you are... I know you will make sense out of it all.

I have been convicted to repent to you.  I have realized lies I have believed, and where the door is open for the enemy to walk in and badger me with his lies and condemnation.  I see it and now I will shut it!  I see what I have believed since I was little:  the lie, I don't belong in the family I was born into, and then married into.  Somewhere along the line, I believed that I was unwanted - no matter how much was told to me on the contrary.  I believed it.  That belief has manifested itself in so many areas of my life:  others not wanting a relationship with me or me not being good enough.  Now I see it weave its ugliness in my children.  Enough is enough and I break that lie off our family.  I see that I am your child, wanted and redeemed.  I see how much time and love you have put into me, taking the time to grow me and see fully that I have never been a mistake - especially in your eyes.  We love, because you first loved us.  I love my extended family, and am so thankful for each one of them.  They are your treasures too, and you are there to meet with each one of them.  I claim restoration, and can't wait to see the day!  

Father God, I confess when the trials of raising three teenage daughters makes me weary, I immediately wonder and doubt I was ever cut out for adopting another child into our home.  I have figured that I'm not doing a good job with the children I already have in our home, how can I be responsible for another.  Well, truth is ... you called me into motherhood a long time ago and I am cut out for the job you instilled in me as long as I lean on you.  I see that I have taken my children's mess-ups and put them on me.  Their errors, are theirs.  Mine are mine.  You redeem it all and make it good.  I repent of taking on others mistakes and calling them my own.  I will stand on your redemption, and leading as I parent the children who are in our home as well as those who will come.  I will also stand guard as to what others speak into my life, and make sure I clarify what is said.  What you say is all that matters.  Your love never fails and will guide us through all of our seasons in life - even this one and I will rest in it!  Thank you Jesus for your constant presence.  Thank you for showing me where to close doors, and open them to you.  Thank you for making everything good. 

Today I rest in you, as you are my strong tower.  With you, I need no other!

I love you,
Karen

Another Care Package

We received word that another family is going over to the orphanage in Liberia where Elijah and Ruthie are, and the family is willing to take packages to the kids.  So of course we scrambled and sent them our love with coloring pages and pens, stickers, tractor and plane (for Elijah) and dolls (for Ruthie), animal cookies, clothes and of course a new picture book with a bunch of messages from their family.

We anxiously await their arrival one of these days. God has restored our hope, and as long as our eyes are fixed on Him we are able to endure. But still we pray...God please let all this "be finished", may Your will be done, hear and feel my heart and help us to keep pressing on. God we love you, trust you and will continue to place our hope in You alone.

Another Birthday

We never thought that a little over two years ago when we found this little boy we would be celebrating his 5th birthday without him. However, we are so grateful to the One who has remained faithful by continued protection, care, love and provision throughout this journey. We celebrate another year older, and our God who is!

We have had news this past couple of weeks, but we were hesitant in sharing. We know there are people who watch our story and don't understand the ups and downs that come with the road we are on (which is simply part of this territory). Our story isn't about us. Our story isn't even about Elijah or Ruth. Our story is about the God who is the author of it, and it is He that we want to keep our eyes focused upon.

There has been much chatter that the Liberian government is releasing those children that had court decrees before January 2009. Elijah falls into this catagory! We are very excited about the news, but it doesn't stop us praying. We need prayers now more than ever. We are also praying for God's favor that Ruthie can be "added on" to all the documents so she too can come home with her brother.

So with this post we wish our son a very Happy Birthday and may his and our wish of him coming home, be sooner than later! We love you, Elijah!

Summer Sunday Hikes

We have been enjoying our summer. It has been quiet, uneventful, non-strenuous, and peaceful. I would have to say this has been Duane and mine favorite summers. I have found that a life of an American is to plan how much you can cram into a day...and even into a vacation, we didn't do that this year. We have enjoyed each other. We have "been still and known God is God." (Psalm 46:10). We have discovered we enjoy our surroundings and we have so much to be thankful for.

One of the routines we made for summer was our day of rest. Being that we attend church on Saturday nights, we are able to enjoy a full day of rest on Sunday. So we have been doing Sunday hiking...other than the beach there is not a better place to experience our Loving God.

Blessed be your wonderful name. It is more wonderful than all blessing and praise.

You are the only Lord. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, with all the stars.

You made the earth and everything on it, the seas and everything in them; you give life to everything.

The heavenly army worship you.

Nehemiah 9:5-6

I will praise the Lord at all times; his praise is always on my lips. My whole being praises the Lord.

Psalm 34:1-2a

Shout to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with joy;

come before him with singing.

Know that the Lord is God.

He made us, and we belong to him;

we are his people, the sheep he tends.

Psalm 100:1-3

Let the sea and everything in it shout; let the world and everyone in it sing. Let the rivers clap their hands;

let the mountains sing together for joy.

Psalm 98:7-8

God, my heart is steady.

I will sing and praise you with all my being.

Psalm 108:1

The Lord lives!

May my Rock be praised. Praise the God who saves me!

Psalm 18: 46

Everything on earth, shout with joy to God!

Sing about his glory!

Make his praise glorious!

Say to God, "Your works are amazing! Because your power is great, your enemies fall before you.

All the earth worships you and sings praises to you. They sing praises to your name".

Psalm 66:1-4

You do great and wonderful things, Lord God Almighty.

Everything the Lord does is right and true, King of the nations.

Everyone will respect you, Lord, and will honor you.

Only you are holy.

All the nations will come and worship you, because the right things you have done are now made known.

Revelation 15:3b-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3

And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love. God is love. Those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.

1 John 4:16

God is strong and can help you not to fall. He can bring you before his glory without any wrong in you and can give you great joy. He is the only God, the One who saves us. To him be glory, greatness, power, and authority through Jesus Christ our Lord for all time past, now, and forever. Amen.

Jude 24-25

He created the skies and stretched them out. He spread out the earth and everything on it. He gives life to all people on earth, to everyone who walks on the earth.

The Lord says, "I, the Lord, called you to do right, and I will hold your hand and protect you."

Sing a new song to the Lord; sing his praise everywhere on the earth.

Praise him, you people who sail on the seas and you animals who live in them.

Praise him, you people living in faraway places. The deserts and their cities should praise him.

Isaiah 42 5-6a; 10-11a

Skies, sing for joy because the Lord did great things! Earth, shout for joy, even in your deepest parts!

Sing, you mountains, with thanks to God.

Sing, too you trees in the forest!

The Lord saved the people of Jacob! He showed his glory when he saved Israel.

This is what the Lord says, who saved you, who formed you in your mother's body:

"I the Lord, made everything, stretching out the skies by myself and spreading out the earth all alone."

Isaiah 44:23-24

Because of the Lord's great love

we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-24

Breakthrough!

Sometimes I am in such a place, where I feel forgotten. I know I'm not the only one that has been there, there are so many times we all go in those places. I have looked at God, and wondered..."Do you hear me?", I have even thought "oh, since I'm in such a place...I'm on the path that God doesn't want me on." I remember being told so many times that "things happen for a reason", meaning that if something doesn't go the way we want it to go "then it wasn't meant to be." Sometimes it is hard to be transparent, because as much as I love to receive sincere questions, they too lead to these doubts in my mind. And sometimes this transparency leaves you feeling even more isolated.

This past couple of weeks I have been searching for answers of "why". If I have to be honest, I have doubted that I have been on the right road with our whole adoption. I mean, I know I serve a God who can move mountains, who can change the hearts of his people, and can take hold of every opposition that stands in our way with not only this adoption but for the orphanage project and make it all happen. And if He can than why doesn't He? I have been trying to be obedient to Him, obeying where I thought He was leading but perhaps I just have it all wrong...I mean perhaps, just perhaps "it wasn't meant to be."

Satan thought he won His battle. But then God came with a week of breakthroughs!

I have mentioned that I am in a Bible study that I believe was just written for me. Every page I turn there is something God is trying to get through to me. And being I am a hand's on learner, He has given me circumstances each weak to help me learn the points at hand. I was reminded through the study of Esther, in order to celebrate God's victories we have to experience and see what is against us.

Mr. Geebro, the Minister of Health in Liberia has stood in the way of adoptions, has rejoiced that the President of Liberia has stopped adoptions and hasn't followed through with her promises, and now is standing in the way to bring the container the agency has sent (providing a building to be the new orphanage, solar & wind power instruments, supplies for the orphanage and so much more) from entering Liberia. This man and his accomplices have proved themselves over and over again that they aren't to be trusted, they aren't people of their words, and their actions clearly are against the agency and more importantly God. It is clear these government officials are a huge obstacle. And as I'm sure in their sight believe they are victorious. Is that you? Do you believe that this battle is just too big for us to be in? Have you looked at our situation and lost hope, because your eyes are on the situation and not on God?

Beth Moore said "some of us with little previous battle experience have no idea why God is allowing us to go through such difficult times in a place we thought was His will. He's trying to make warriors out of us, Girlfriend! Rise to the occasion! But we aren't meant to fight unseen forces alone. You and I have the Godgiven right to lock arms with our sisters and brothers in Christ and defend ourselves with the sword of the Spirit and the shield of faith. Here's the best part: When we do, we are guaranteed the victory. I said guaranteed."

I read these words, and felt as God was gently telling me something - gently telling me that I know you are in a difficult place, I know you thought you were in my will and you are! You are not alone, stand in the fight with your fellow believers and fight, I am with you and I want you to see how victorious I am". I am reassured God has me where I'm to be. A new friend reminded me yesterday that God puts desires in our hearts because He has so much love for us, and because He loves us so much it is His desire for those things to come to completion. I know some of you reading this, think that the breakthrough I have referred to was that of our children coming home. No, it's not. It saddens me too to think of them being away from me. But the breakthrough for me is knowing I am on the right path, that the old lies that I have been planted in my mind are no longer there because God has overcome it all. I know oppression will stop in Liberia, orphans will come home, and God's victory is coming. I do not know the day nor the hour, but I do know I want to be there to see it! "The Lord my God...turned the curse into a blessing for me, because the Lord my God loves me." Deat. 23:5

I know there are some government officials in the Liberian government celebrating because they believe they have won the fight. I know that there are some of you reading this not understanding how I can actually be celebrating because I don't have any physical evidence of what I say is true. But I know I have reason to celebrate for "The Lord my God is with us, He is might to save. He will take great delight in is, he will quiet us with his love, and will rejoice over us with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 Our God is honest. Our God is true. Our God loves. Our God saves.

The Archibalds are called to "fight the good fight" (1 Tim 1:18-19). And knowing that we are on the path God has chosen for us, and knowing our God is standing with us not against us, we accept to be His warriors. So we ask our fellow believers to stand up with us, link arms together and pray that God's will be done, that these curses we are enduring will be turned to God's blessings, and that Satan doesn't hold any power over these situations nor us.

We ponder over this quote, and is now a prayer for our family and Addy's Hope. "When because of your faith, your life too becomes perceptibly different; when your reactions are quite opposite to what the situation seems to call for and your activities can no longer be explained in terms of your personality; that is when your neighborhood will sit up and take notice. In the eyes of the world, it is not our relationship with Jesus Christ that counts; it is our resemblance to him!"

Torn Between Two Worlds

Well, I should be writing you journal, day 3, 4, ect. But time is an issue these days, and frankly, I just don't want to. To sum up all the days I was there...God moved each day. He made divine appointments each and every day, and not just one, but several. We met with congressmen, representatives and the agency even met with the vice-president. What I personally saw was scales falling off eyes, and the truth revealed. I saw many surprised expressions, as well as some faces surprised that we would be so bold to speak the truth. God opened many doors, and was moving. Bottom line, what does it all mean? Do we have a date that our kids will be home? No. But I can and continue to trust that God will have our kids home when He wants them home. And too, I am that much more confident that God has led us to the right agency and has built our agency director for "such a time as this".

The biggest question that I have received from everyone is "Was it hard to leave your kids?". Am I a horrible mother, because I have to say honestly "no"? I had God's peace with me that day. I knew I when I was going I wasn't necessarily coming back with them, I was hoping, but knew during the trip that our home isn't ready. We have more to do to get ourselves ready. I need to prepare and educate our girls more as to how to deal with different scenarios that will arise, so they know it isn't just a brother and sister that is coming home, but a culture too. We have nothing for Ruth, and we need to get her baby essentials, and of course, we want to do what is best for her and her adjustment so we research everything. I was embraced with peace that day, and left in full peace. Peace too that I knew that one day soon, I will see my kids again, and until then they are in a safe and loving environment, and most of all in God's most capable, able and loving hands. Because of that knowing, I had peace!

The biggest battle I have is now. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about Liberia. And believe me, I have tried. The other day God had laid on my heart to get a certain woship CD to renew our time together. I picked it up at Target yesterday, as I peaked on the back to see the list of songs I saw a song that is sung by the artist and Watoto choir. You see, no matter how much I try God is not allowing "Africa" out of my mind, sight, ears - and now my heart. Yes, my heart. I cried in Target yesterday, and must have been a sight to see. But the burden I carry in my heart for these people, for this country is great. I long to even help, but what can a person like me do?

Each day I get behind the steering wheel. I have the anxiety of getting places constantly on time...sport practice, music lessons, doctor appointments, volunteer work at the school. Each place we are heading is led by the clock. The moment I got off the plane, and grabbed my luggage we were off to get the girls from school and trying to make a basketball game. I just got back from a country that has no concept of time to a country that is purly controled by lack of time and going 100 miles per hour because we fit too much in our days. I hate it! Each day as I get behind the steering wheel, I cry out to God "I know there is more to life than this. I have seen it. I have experienced it. Now what? Now how can I bring the there into here?" I am literally torn between two worlds. I have had a privildge and calling to go to Africa twice. This time returning I have had what many of you would call "culture shock". However, culture shock doesn't involve your heart and has nothing to do with stirring a passion within your soul. When I returned back from Uganda, I did experience "culture shock" and over time was able to accept the American world back into my life, but this time all I can say is that it is different.

I have now held my kids. I have laughed with them, fed them, cared for them, slept with them, even cried with them. I miss my kids! I long to have them with us, in my arms once again. And I am thankful I am not alone, for as much as I am longing to have them home, I know God is longing with me. He sees the big picture, and together we will wait until He says "go and get them", together we will wait, together we will long and together we will miss our kids.

Until they are home, I have created this video of all the pictures I have captured of Elijah and Ruthie while I was in Liberia. Enjoy seeing a glimpse of them, and please continue to pray with us that they will be home soon. (And don't forget to turn the music off at the bottom of the page.)