Worn

I have wanted to write so much.  There are so many things to share, yet when it finally comes to writing...how do I put these words down?  What exactly do I want to share?  My thoughts don't seem to flow as much as they used to.  So I don't write.   But today I choose to write, no matter how scattered it sounds. 


Our lives have been dumped upside down two months ago.  While we have had the joy and celebration of bringing another life into our family and home, we have also had the trauma, emotional scaring, and drama that also has come in.  Our lives have been filled with therapy appointments (individual, family and siblings), sibling visits, social worker, GAL and CASA appointments, court appointments, IEP testings, school appointments and advocating and the list just goes on.  A boy that has had ten years of negative or no attention is now demanding ALL our attention...leaving marriage, and the previous family relationships strained and drained.  We have felt so empty.  So discouraged.  So broken.  And we have been in tears. 

It has been a lonely road.  Stories of other adoptive parents have come our way with more suggestions of how to parent our new child.  Yet our story is different from theirs, and why their way works for them, it doesn't work for us.  Many of those we come into contact with, don't grasp at all what we are going through.  They give us their blank stares, and tell us "wow", and they change the subject.  No prayers.  No encouragement.  Nothing.  And then there are the select few who do grasp it; not only the change of numbers in our family, but the trauma that has come with it, and the fact we have a boy and not a girl
(which we are used to).  They have been encouraging and given us a listening ear.  But most of all prayer.

I won't lie.  We have questioned "have we done the right thing"?  But we look into his sweet brown eyes, and see the good that is there.  We confess to God, that this road isn't easy, and we're trying to muddle through but need Him to take the reigns.  And during that plea, that silent cry, I hear my heart's song on the radio....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

 

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left..

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know that a song can rise from the ashes of broken life

and all that's dead inside can be reborn.

I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin.

I'm worn.

Even before the day begins...

 

And some where in that cry...God heard my heart. 

 

My Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; I waited and waited, hoping for him to come, watching, knowing that He was the only one that could understood, He was the only one I could turn to.  Then He did turn to me and he heard my cry and plea, the desperation in my heart.

 

He lifted me out of that slimy pit, where discouragement seemed to be all around me, where loneliness was sitting in.  He lifted me out of the mud and mire of exhaustion and desperation.  He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand...that of Him.  He brushed off the ugliness that covered me, and helped me stand once again.  He put a new song in my mouth, an attitude of thankfulness and surrender.  He gave me a hymn of praise to our God, because He heard me and rescued me and showed me once again He is God.  I put my trust in Him, and know He is my source, my guide and my sustainer.

 

 

I can's say that the days have gotten easier...the trials remain the same, the demands are even more so, but my attitude has as I have given it to the One that can carry it way better than me.  I don't have to have the answers, because He does.  And I don't have to worry about doing things wrong, because I will ... but He will make it all right once again.  I have come to rely on Him more than I ever have before.  And I have come to rely on Him for something I never have relied on Him for before:  Rest.  It's there each day, waiting.  Because my God sustains me and gives me what I need.