God's Uncontainable Love

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

I went to see me mom and dad today.  And I took the long way home, because I just needed to see what I knew was going to be a glimpse of the ocean as the sun was setting fast.  I don't remember seeing much but knew it was there just the same. 

I longed to touch the sand, even if the beaches were technically closed and the unknown was out there.  Fear and time kept me away.  I longed to touch the water's edge, but obedience and responsibility won out.   I felt I missed what my heart was longing for.  And wonder how much I do the same with the One who created me and the moments I am in.

On the whole journey home, I kept thinking about God's love for me and my love for Him.  I know my God is constantly present but how many times am I missing Him because I let responsibilities, obedience to the world and fear and time demands dictate my time with Him.

I can't help but see how vast the ocean is - I knew that no matter how far I looked, even if I had the best technology I would never see land on the other side of the ocean.  I also knew that the ocean would continue up the coast farther than the highway would allow.  I couldn't help but think of the verse written above, and wonder if I could just grasp a bit of God's love for me. 

I'm not going to get into the detail … but bottom line, I feel unloved - more so, unworthy of love; yet I know full well I am.  But I'm an emotional being - a feeler and long to feel over know the truth of love.   And because I struggle with feeling loved by those who know me, I can't help but struggle with God's love for me.  I know it is true.  I know He loves me … but if I could just feel it over the knowing. 

I visualized my 5'6" body in the center of the ocean water, picturing the miles and miles from my body to the ocean floor.  I saw the waves crashing over me, drenching me - almost drowning me.  I saw God's love doing the same.  I also saw me splashing out of glee of the water around me and splashing the water back up to the heavens … yet, with all my might the water splash couldn't reach.  God sees the attempts of my love for him, but He wins … His love totally out does. 

I continued my journey home.  The road was quite dark except for the occasional headlights that would come and go.  Yet even in the darkness I knew the ocean was west of me.  I could see the glow for a while, and then eventually that faded.  When I rolled the window down, I could smell the salt air, and I could feel the ocean breeze.  When I sit in His presence I am reminded that as I go through the motions I may not feel His presence, or even doubt He is with me … but if I sit and look I can see His light around me, I can take deep breathes of Him all around and feel His movement.  But I have to make the effort to pursue so I can experience.

The highway that was once parallel with the ocean took its turns and curves and even took me up some steeper terrain.  Yet no matter how many turns of the roads I took, no matter how high up in altitude I went, I knew I just had to turn my head to the west and the ocean was there.  This journey of life, with all its turns and curves, and challenges and depth of despair … God is still there, I just have to turn my head and see.  

There is one part of the drive that has trees that remind me of those in Snow White, where they grab her and long to scare her.  I admit my heart races, and I pray my truck doesn't break down at that point of the drive.  But I am also reminded just like the ocean remains near, so does God as I face those scary and overwhelming times in life.  

Eventually my ocean side highway came to an end, and I had to journey inland.  Yet in order to make it home I had to use a bridge to cross over the bay waters (an extension of the ocean I once saw).  And when I drove on that bridge and looked all around me and saw nothing but water - it was then I smiled and was a bit giddy as I was reminded how God's love still surrounds me.  I saw that even the ocean couldn't be contained and overflowed inland, throughout the bay up the creeks and rivers.  I was experiencing then how His love overflows for me.  

I was just miles from home, where the familiarity was amongst me, the knowing what lies ahead, the smells I know so well, the expectations, everything I fully know - but too - even the grumpiness, unkindness, and the quickness of anger of those around me - all of which I have also come to know and accept.  I was in the midst of what I knew that I had almost forgotten the journey I had been on.  I took the time to remember.  And as I journey on with the demands of life and the clock and those around me that offer encouragement and some not so much I can remember, see and even experience the greatness of God's uncontainable love.  I'm reminded that I am not only loved, but find joy and peace within.  

I am hoping that I can return back to the ocean's edge this weekend with the ones I hold dear … as God's love isn't just for me, there is an overabundance for all!  

Through Loss … I see I Have Gained!

I had a huge scare that started this past Tuesday.  Some of you it is no big deal … but to me it was HUGE.

I lost my Bible.

I am a woman of routine and I looked through all the spots that it could have been and then all the spots that it would more likely not be.  We were in a rental car this week, and I had my husband search the car.  It wasn't there.  Then as any woman would do, I went to look through it … even twice, and even a third.  It wasn't there.  It was officially lost.

I had it Sunday.  We had an event at church where 26 people were baptized!  We had a celebration, and had lunch at the church.  Could I have left it there?  Possibly.  But I thought I remembered carrying it throughout.  

We just started attending this church a little over a month ago.  We have been in a season of Lack - connection, identity and even it began to pull on our hope and caused hurt and pain (that we are still working through).  I began to question if God even cared where we worshipped.  It has always been laid on our heart to be part of our own community.  I can't explain it, but the pull on our heart is GREAT.  We know with all our being that this was put on our heart by God himself.  This church is walkable, and I can't explain how surprised we are to find exactly what we have been looking for - and in our backyard!  

I remembered a few months ago, that my Bible was collecting a bit of dust (at least in my eyes).  Yes, it would be picked up for church and I would fumble through the pages in the sermon.  I would even pick it up on occasion to find a verse that was in my mind.  But the actually reading of the Book, I just was too tired to do so, and was frankly a bit bored with it.  When I realized this attitude that was within me, I prayed that my hearts desire would change and I would long for my Bible again.

Ever since we moved I have longed for an in depth Bible study.  I would find women's get togethers but not a study like I had longed for.  I was even willing to lead one if that is what it took … but then the issue would be "who would come".  Hopelessness started to wear it's toll on my heart in this area, and I started to just accept how we have to make the church more inviting and "friendly" to woman and connect differently.  I accepted it, but missed my studies where God became real and even more powerful that I have known Him to be.   I never prayed about it.  I guess I figured God knew what He was doing and it was time for an "update" for my longings in the area of a women's study.

Courtney came to me and asked if I would do a Bible study with her.  She wanted to learn more about the pages she was reading, and understand its meaning.  My heart soared.  I borrowed a Beth Moore study from the church we were going to, and we have been in the word ever since.  I have been doing bits and pieces of my study and work, and when I'm looking up my scriptures I use my app on my phone.  But Tuesday night I wanted to open the actual pages, hear the crinkle of them when I turn them, smell the pages, read the gazillion notes and perhaps even add to them.  But it was no where to be found.

Wednesday morning on my way to work, I stopped by the church that was still unfamiliar to me.  I greeted those who greeted me with a smile, and asked if my Bible was found.  After giving a description and us looking at all the possibilities it was just not to be found.  My heart just sank.  But I was invited to cooperate prayer that evening … I mean it was a genuine invite.  And it was refreshing to receive.

I arrived to work, and this particular day I was my happy self, but just deeply saddened inside.  I never knew how attached I had become to this Book.  I remembered the dates of dedications and baptisms that were in there.  I thought back and realized that this was my very first study Bible that my husband helped me pick out.  It has to be 25 years old.  That means there are 25 years of notes in the margins and highlighted verses.  I might not know what my Bible references are, but I knew where to find them on the page in my Bible.  There were ripped pages, and tear stained pages.  It is this Bible that I would read scriptures that would leap of the page at me, and help me realize that the God I have is a loving, gracious companion and has everything under control.  This Book brought me hope in the times when I felt hopeless, encouragement when I was down, and offered prayers when I didn't know what to say.  I found many answers in this Book.  I also took it for granted.

I realized yesterday my Bible had become more to me than I ever imagined.  My Bible had become a long time friend.  My Bible was my lifeline.  And now it was lost.

I had even prayed that I was willing to let it go, if it would make another's life richer.  But my heart still broke within.

With all the demands of work and errands, I still felt prompted to go to prayer.  I didn't understand why I was prompted, and even questioned if I heard the prompting right.  Afterwords, I saw someone I knew and I told her that I was a bit down as I had lost my Bible.  She helped me look one more time. The usual places.  And I saw some people that had smiles on and hearts of warmth and would greet me in my search.  Genuine people.  Happy people.  I even ran into the pastors, and they would keep their eyes out, and gave me encouragement - except when they were empathetic, which only made me realize more of what I was missing.  Upon my leaving, another pastor came in our path, and the lady mentioned about the loss of my Bible.  He had saw it.  He picked up something that wasn't it, and my heart sank even lower - and he looked in an unusual spot … and then handed me my Bible!  I hugged him, as I hugged my Bible.  

This morning I look at my Bible and know the comfort and strength I have because it is near to me, and I have it available to go to.  Yes, I could have used the other Bibles in the house, but they weren't enough for me.  This Bible and me go way back and we have taken many journeys through valleys and mountain tops together.  

It was through this journey that I realized God hears my deepest prayers, the prayers that I would call even the silliest prayers.   God made me long for my Bible and made me see the value within the pages and made me see even the value I have with Him through these pages.  

And within the last 48 hours I have seen that God has answered the deep cries of my heart.  There are crevices that I would cover, thinking they weren't necessary to bring to God.  But God has shown me through Bible study, through a new church, and the journey to recover my Bible He cares about the little stuff and the spiritual walk we are on.  I'm so thankful He does!

Do You See Me?

I was cleaning once again.  I had an old study from Beth Moore in the background.  In the midst of being lost and the loneliness I have been in, I asked God … "Do you see me still?".  A smile was there with a promise, that He did.  I continued to clean.

Knowing you aren't alone is what each person needs in this life.  Those who end their lives because they are alone, never knew and truly believed that they aren't.  The One that created the very intimate crevices of their heart with such intent is the One that will never leave.  

I am thankful that the Creator of my Soul wants to be with me … even in the grime and filth.  He still smiles when He sees me.

And He still smiles when He sees you.  He created you with purpose.  And because He is the creator, no matter what you do, no matter how dirty you become in your work and play … He is God and His intention will win out.  No matter what you think.  He wins.  He is above it all.  

I sat last night looking at an emblem.  What I saw was God confined.  And saw the untruth in it.  But I did see the truth that we as humans have a tendency to think "Oh God must think I messed up so much, He can't still love me … " or "Oh I could never be accepted by God"… "only good people, He is pleased with" … and the thoughts continue.  LIES!  As I daydreamed looking at that emblem, I saw the truth of God rising above it all … God is everything.  God takes us dirty and makes us clean. God is not limited.  God takes all your thoughts and feelings of unworth and will show you … you are worth EVERYTHING to him.  

Hold on.  Hold onto a God that is bigger than you can imagine.  Hold on.  Grasp his little pinkie and He'll show you the rest.  He loves you.  He made you.  He loves what He created.  You aren't bigger than Him and can't mess it up.  Hold on.  

You are loved.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am wonderful, I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

What now?

In all honesty, I have been in a rut lately.  I have wondered as to why we had to move back to California.  Things at work seem to be just not exciting and meaningful as it once was.  Girls are pretty much grown and the needs of mom aren't as it once was.  House is clean now, and I just keep cleaning as my schedule allows now - and that allows my mind to go wild.  I'm constantly searching as to "what's next", and it is almost like the childhood inquisitive mind of "what am I going to be when I grow up" has heightened and I'm still searching.

When it comes to relationships, I'm feeling alone.  Close friends I have are busy in their set careers and ministries.  Extended family has learned to do life without us when we lived far away, and bringing us back into the circle just seems unnatural.  Close family are learning to do what life brings them, and I am brought into the circumstances but part of who I am sill gets lost and not understood.  Church family doesn't feel like family at all.  People stay with the people they know, and don't want people to know their business.  So the "hi" and a smile is all that we seem to get on a Sunday.  Duane has his job, and is pretty much spent when he gets home.  I am just watching and wondering where is my place and part in this world.

I don't know if I shared, but a long time ago as I sat in my chair where I would have time with God, He told me to go and get a job at Chick-fil-A.  I didn't understand it then, and actually laughed at him and explained to him … "I'm better than a job at Chick-fil-A".  The command never changed.  I got the job, and I remember when I received the call and how joyous I was.  I started in the kitchen, and it had its toll on me.  When the new owner came in about six months later, he actually saw me in the quick few minutes we talked and brought me from the back of the house to the very front.  I remember the first day I was so nervous, but willing.  In what became years, I developed many relationships with the guests that came through the doors at Chick-fil-A.  Relationships that are still part of me today and relationships that I treasure.  I had guests pray over me, gift me with 'thinking of you' tokens and blessed me with who they were each and everyday.  On the days I was tired and didn't want to work, I would drive in and think "who am I going to see today", and it would change my heart and fill it with excitement.  I loved my job.  It was my ticket to be part of my community and know my town.  I was part of not a restaurant, but part of a community.

Chick-fil-A now is different since the move.  We aren't part of a small community.  We are a much higher volume store.  California is coming and going and always on the move, and relationships aren't developed like I once knew.  Guests seem more grumpier.  The role of my position is different.  I get to be part of the team more and develop a relationship with them.  But lets face it, the average age of the employees, are my girl's age.  So I'm known as "mom", and thankful for that, but also know the relationships go so far.  And with the average age comes much more drama.  Lately, it is clear I'm unliked more than liked.  Like most, I don't like being in environments I'm unwanted in and disliked.  There isn't the relationships I once had to brighten my day, and I just feel … lost.

Lost.  Alone.  Confused.

I have been prompted to write during those time I come to God.  And so I am.  We'll see what comes out of it.  After all, the same God who sent me to a restaurant that was "beneath me" and put me in a place of relationships and being part of my community, is the same today.  He makes something out of nothing.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20