Jonah … Or Rather … Karen

I have been laying low this week.  I have noticed that a bitterness that has taken over my soul, and am wise enough to know that I shouldn't be around people and affect them with my negativeness.  And I also know full well that there is only One who can remove such bitterness.  So this week I have been seeking.

My youngest came to me.  She is struggling with a reoccurring area in her life.  As she shared, I was able to discern that there was some lie she has bought into that she needs to shake off.  I was able to discern because I was dealing with the same thing … different lie, but a lie.

Today I felt a tug to enjoy a good story … Jonah.  I have always prided myself that I would go wherever God would have me go.  I'm a woman of obedience, but am I?

God sent Jonah.  He didn't want to go and ran.  But even in his disobedience those around him came to recognize how great God is and gave to Him.  God sent a giant fish to swallow Jonah and it was in the belly of the whale that Jonah knew there was only one who could save - and God did.  Jonah went to Nineveh, and spoke over the city.  Countless lives were changed as they turned from their evil ways and God had compassion on them.  Jonah became angry because he knew what kind of a God he served and that the people didn't deserve such graciousness and love. Jonah went off to sulk.  God provided a vine, which made Jonah happy and then God provided a worm to destroy it.  Jonah was so miserable from the heat and wind that he just wanted to die, and God reminded Jonah of who He was.

God sent me from Colorado to California a little over three years ago.  I didn't want to go, but I didn't run from it - at least physically.  I obeyed - physically, but emotionally I wasn't going to forgive God for tearing our family apart.  I resented Him.  And for the last three years I have been in the belly of the whale … misery from bills, a dysfunctional house, unrest in relationships, health issues
and lack of peace.  I have finally recognized fully of the God that saves, and that can save me and this week God has spit me out …. in Concord, California.  I can't say that countless lives have been changed because of where I have spoken over them, but I can say that I have developed countless relationships that have come out of the crevices of places these past couple of days.  God has compassion on them, and I have the privilege of not only having these people in my lives but I get to pray over them too.  God had compassion on them, as He has for me.  I still have held onto that seed of bitterness and have sulked that God didn't quite understand the fullness of how He affected me.  He provided a home that I have become accustomed to, and see so much potential in.  And it was less than 24 hours ago, I questioned if we would still have it, as we were uncertain of Duane's employment once again.  And it was in the conversation I had with my daughter, I am reminded of the God I have, and that He sees way more than I.

Oh Jonah … Oh Karen!


I read something yesterday; "interesting fact:  people over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter".  Now first let me let the world know … I'm not 50 yet!  However, the warning is just the same.  I remember my grandfather.  He loved me.  Yet, to be honest with my readers …. he was grumpy.  He always had reason to be grumpy.  He had an opinion about everything and judgment just the same.  He had a the brow of anger, and the tone in his voice just the same.  He lost his dislike for bitterness and it turned into a grumpy and a grouchy mess.  And unfortunately he'll have that remembrance.  I was heading toward the same direction.  But was wise enough to see there was a taste I didn't want to get accustomed to …. and I sought the truth.

I have believed a lie that "I get what I deserve".  So with that lie, comes the thought … I deserve to be away from my babies.  I deserve to have a broken family with miles apart.  I deserve this disruption in my life.  I deserve my lack of identity … because of another lie "I'm not good enough".  I never realized until yesterday the depth of these lies and their hold on me.  But enough is enough.  God has allowed me to recognize and today I am set free.

It wasn't about the move to California.  It wasn't about the goodness that God has displayed on me.  It wasn't even about the lies that kept me bound.  It was about me obeying God full heartily and full heartily trusting Him.  Not just trusting Him with my babies, but trusting Him that He saw something more.  Trusting Him that He will plant me and for me to be ready for whatever is to come my way.  Trusting Him with ALL that I am and ALL that I have.  Trusting Him with my identity.  It was about God breaking me free.

So today I sit in the solitude of our home, letting those things that are nagging attention to just wait.  I hear the promises, truth and prayers of the music surround me and let it carry my spirit.  And today I am ready to be unlike Jonah and just go full heartily.  I expect the best because I have a God that wants the best for me and those that surround me and have my heartstrings.  I serve a God who sets me free … and will set you free as well.