In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light."

Genesis 1:1-3

In the previous post I mentioned that I went into flight or fight when Duane came home without his job.  I took on so much of the weight and so much of the responsibility, when truthfully it wasn't mine to take ... it was still God's.  Well during this time, being in His word was seldom.  Praying was desperation.  Listening, was extremely rare.  Tiredness affected worship.  Lack of a church home kept corporate worship at a minimum.  

I have tried to explain to Duane, as the last of the boxes are coming to an end to unpack that I fear of being "bored", I'm afraid of missing where I'm supposed to be because I am not hearing God as I once was, or because my own selfish desires and control tendencies seem to trip me up so easily.  I am fearful of being wrong.  I question if I'm even doing my part, as now I'm unemployed and taking a time to "rest" (as I feel God has told me to do that very thing).   Doubt lingers like a familiar friend as I question if I'm hearing God right.

It isn't easy to share the spiritual state I am in, but in all honesty ... it is exactly where I am.  I've tried to read my Bible, to only get frustrated that my mind can't seem to focus long enough to make it through a few chapters.  I do have a goal to read the Bible through again, but it seems like a daunting task.  I started reading it again this week, but this time differently.  I'm leaning on the grace of God, getting through little by little.  If I look through the world's eyes ... it isn't much.  But I have learned.  When I see something, I stop, ponder, pray, put it down and chew on it.  I won't move on until I grasp and ready.  It may take me twenty years to get through the Bible at this rate, but I'm seeing things new, as if my first time.

In the last post I also mentioned the depression I have been in.  Not just because of the new season of mothering I am in, but a new season of life all together.  Transitions are just not easy.  I can't tell you how tired I still remain.  I have always been a person of doing, and now there isn't really anything to do.  I refuse to being the leader, and now letting God lead ... "rest" is all I hear.  I see others doing, and I'm resting ... guilt falls on me.  

I don't find it ironic that I am in Genesis, I find it fitting that I'm back in the "beginning", relearning the scriptures and my relationship with God all over again.  I see four opening points God brought for me:

1. God created.  He didn't just create the heavens and the earth, but me.  He created this place for me to be part of, and He created it for me to enjoy.  He created. 
2. God saw the earth formless and empty, darkness was over the surface.  He sees me.  He sees the darkness that is around me, and still doesn't leave, but stayes.  He sees.
3. God was hovering over the waters.  He hovers nearby.  He not only created, but remained close and never leaves.  He hovers.
4. God called out the light.  He saw the need of light, and brought it forth.  He took the darkness away with His call.  He protects.

Reading these three verses was all that I needed to hear.  It brings healing and understanding for me from my Creator and the One I long to be long to.  

Dear God,  Thank you for Your creation for me and in me.  Thank you for seeing me and remaining still so close to me. Thank you for hovering near to me, calling what needs to come over me, and protecting me.  Thank you for being my light, and calling the light on when the darkness is so dark.  I know the darkness doesn't have a hold on me, because of your creation in me, how you see, hover and call.  I stand under the One who is able.  Thank you!