Bittersweet

I guess I need to face the music sometime.  In all honesty, there are things in one's life that are frankly - none of everyone's business.  However, being that I allowed you to enter into our lives and know about the adventure, it's be fair for you to know where the adventure has taken us.

Not all stories are fairy book endings.  Not all stories are happy ever ending.  And this would be one of them.

RAD.  The devil's foothold, I believe.  RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I don't believe in labels, but sometimes one must label in order to know what others are up against.  RAD is what we were dealing with.  No matter what kind of love and care we poured into our son, it wouldn't be received, only rejected.  But it wasn't just about not receiving all that was given to him. 

With RAD comes a huge defiance, and much manipulation.  And with RAD came broken boundaries for our biological daughters.  Trust was broken each day, and not giving us much to stand on.

And without writing the many reasons we came to our decision, we spent many hours on our knees in prayer.  And we had to make the decision to protect the children God has already blessed us with.  And our son had to make the decision as well.  And with our answers ... our son is no longer.  A month ago he was removed, and his adventure in life continues.

I don't regret what we did.  I know that our son came to know Christ in the short five months he was with us.  He learned that life isn't just about receiving privileges, but one must earn them.  And unfortunately, our son will see in his next placement that things in this home weren't bad.  But it takes him to be moved from here to see what he had.  And we believe his next placement will be successful.

And even in this sorrow we have experienced, we have experienced God and learned more of Him and his gentle loving character He is. 

I walked away from Him, when all this was said and done.  I mean, how could ANYONE love me for rejecting a 10 year old boy.  For not accepting ALL of him, and putting my teenage daughters first.  A lot of that was the judgment we were under from countless of sources, but it grabbed a hold of me something fierce just the same.  How could God love me?  I had to of let me down, and turned to be his greatest disappointment.

My husband leaned over me at church a week ago and prayed.  RAD ... it had a hold of me.  Manipulation, defiance, broken boundaries ... all causing me to reject my Father's love.  And I realized how much I was pushing the goodness of God away, instead of receiving the goodness He has given me from the time of birth until now. 

So now we enter a season back to having a family of five - three teenage girls, a husband and myself.  And I have to say - it is all good.  It is good, because I have received these five lives as one of the greatest gifts my God has given me.  I am in a new season of recognizing the goodness of my Savior and receiving ALL he has to offer.  And I stand on His promise that he'll make even our son's life good too. Because I stand on the knowledge God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!