What I Miss...

I miss the way you hold on to me as you call me "Mama".

I miss your smile and the way you laugh.

I miss holding you.

I miss you being my constant shadow.

I miss reading to you.

I miss taking care of you.

I miss watching you play with your cars and holding your doll.

I miss seeing you.

I miss watching you on your Daddy's shoulders and him giving you "horse rides".

I miss seeing you read the Bible with your Daddy.

I miss how quick you talk, and me trying to catch every word you say.

I miss hearing you sing "Yes, Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, yes, Lord!".

I miss hearing you sing with confidence knowing your Heavenly Father hears you.

I miss you pushing others away from me, so you may have me all to yourself.

I miss even your pout and crying to get your way.

I miss watching you as you talk to your Papa, and looking for him to come and get you.

I miss your call in the early morning hours.

I miss watching you learn your letters and how to write them, using your left hand.

I miss tucking you in bed at night.

I miss the sound of your breathing.

I miss seeing you in your room, across from ours.

I miss knowing you are fed and taken care of when you aren't feeling well.

I miss watching you run after your friends or carried by the older girls.

I miss playing with you.

I miss seeing you in our family pictures.

I miss having you on our family outings and vacations.

I miss talking to you.

I miss you copying things I say.

I miss watching you play and interact with your sisters.

I miss seeing you play with your new friend down the street.

I miss introducing you to new things, and watching you experiencing them.

I miss telling you how much I love you, and you knowing you are loved.

Oh, Elijah and Ruthie ... how much I do miss you both! 

Are you ready?

Ask, and God will give to you.  Search, and you will find.  Knock, and the door will open for you.  Yes, everyone who asks will receive.  Everyone who searches will find.  And everyone who knocks will  have the door opened.  Matthew 7:7-8

I sat with God this morning.  My favorite place to be, and my favorite way to start my day.  I did have second thoughts before I headed to my "God" chair, for I had so much to do today.  But I knew I needed Him before any of the things I had to do.  It is only Him that can help me get through those things to do today.

I shared with you that I gave up facebook for 40 days, only turn on the computer between 12pm-5pm (mountain time), don't check emails from my phone unless I'm expecting something specific and I'm away from the computer, we don't turn on the TV unless to watch a show we are all into or a movie, and then off it goes.  I only have a week left until the 40 day mark will come to an end.  As I approached this fast, it was because I wanted to hear God so much clearer than I had.  I didn't want to hear all the "voices" I meet on facebook, emails, TV, etc.  I only wanted Him.  So as this fast comes to an end I can only say one thing... I sought, and He answered!

As I approached this fast, I expected to experience God ... but never did I think I would experience Him as much, nor as life changing as I have!  I am so thankful it was on our high-school pastors heart to challenge the kids and that I accepted this challenge, for this fast was just that - life-changing.  So even though these 40 days are almost over, I don't want to go back!  And I don't think I will.  Sure I may look on facebook now and then.  But I enjoy writing on the blog more than posting my status on facebook.  The hours will remain the same for when the computer will be on.  TV will also remain the same and as well as my phone access.  Because to tell you the truth - it's not these things I desire, but Him alone!

Not only have I heard and experienced the voice of God.  But He has done something I never could quite understand ... He has increased my faith.  My boast is in Him alone, and my love for Him just bursts within me!

So now I pass on this challenge for you ... are you ready?  What technology, lifestyle or even food is controlling you and taking you away from the voice of God?  Are you ready?  Give it up for 40 days, and seek Him.  I promise you, you will find Him!

Psalm 103 (Karen's version)

My whole being, all that I am -flesh, mind and spirit praise the Lord.  All that I am praise His holy name.
My whole being, everything you made me to be will praise the Lord and never forget all the kindness you have shown me over and over again.
You have forgiven all my sins and continue to do so.
You have healed me from thoughts of suicide, foot problems twice, gluten sensitivity and other things so numerous to mention.  You have healed Courtney from her stomach issues, Katie from headaches and neck issues related to her concussion and have also ended all her nose bleeds.  You are showing yourself to Lindsay and will heal her from her plantar warts on her feet.  You are a God who heals, because of the abounding love you have for us.
You have saved my life over and lover again, saving me from the enemy and you have filled me to overflowing of your love and mercy.
You have poured good things in my life, where I have found your protection guarding me and your peace all around me.  Your joy brings a spring in my step, making me young.  You are the wind beneath my wings and I soar with you like an eagle.

Lord, you continue to show your mercy and kindness over and over again.  You aren't quick to become angry for your love for your people is so great.
Oh God, I deserve even death for the sins I have done - through action, thoughts, and words I have spoken.  Yet, you have never repaid me for these things, as it would be justified by man.  You not once, have taken one smidgen of love from me because of my crimes.
Your love remains, and is so great the whole earth can't contain it.  Your love continues to shine through to all who respect you.
It is through your love you have removed my sins - as far as the east is to the west, and the west is to the east.  My sins are no more!
Your mercy remains on your children who love and respect you.
You remember how you created each one of us, how you knit us together each to the specifications you have designed.  You remember and you love us.

Oh God, your love remains upon all who love and respect you.  My heart is full of love for you, for it is You that has first loved me.
Your goodness will continue through the generations to come and because you always remain faithful!

Everything you, Lord God have made praise your name!  May the birds sing their love songs to you, the grass rustle it's praise to you.  May the sun, moon and stars shine for your glory alone.  May even the rocks stand in awe of you!  For you God, deserve all the praise!  May my whole being - flesh, emotions, thoughts and spirit sing all praise to you - the One most high and highly to deserve!

 

Another Care Package

We received word that another family is going over to the orphanage in Liberia where Elijah and Ruthie are, and the family is willing to take packages to the kids.  So of course we scrambled and sent them our love with coloring pages and pens, stickers, tractor and plane (for Elijah) and dolls (for Ruthie), animal cookies, clothes and of course a new picture book with a bunch of messages from their family.

We anxiously await their arrival one of these days. God has restored our hope, and as long as our eyes are fixed on Him we are able to endure. But still we pray...God please let all this "be finished", may Your will be done, hear and feel my heart and help us to keep pressing on. God we love you, trust you and will continue to place our hope in You alone.

Happy Father's Day My Dearheart

Our message to our girls this past year has been they don't have to spend money for a nice gift. It's a hard message to teach and learn when sales for the coolest thing are all around you, or when you hear of what so and so has bought their father, or even when you have a heart that it would just be nice to provide for Dad once, the way he has provided for you countless of times. It's just plain hard. But we went beyond the storebought gift, and created something that spoke to Duane's heart this Father's Day.

The gift that made Duane's heart overfill (please turn music off at the bottom of the blog) ...

And with a heart filled with love we all took him to the mountains for his favorite things to do...hiking with his family.

And with that Duane had the best Father's Day yet! And the girls so understand, it's giving from the heart that makes a difference. And to my Dearheart, you are such a great Daddy - because you look to the Greatest Father of them All. We love you so very much!

Thank You!!!

Our family would like to thank each one of you that has supported our endeavors to go to Liberia. As you can see by the thermometer we have been "still" for quite some time. We still have hopes going. However, the amount raised is the exact number we added into our funding for food for the orphans. We have heard the past few months how the children at Addy's Hope is out of food. Food that came in gave them a meal a day. Now there have been days they have gone without all together. It breaks our heart. So our family has decided to send this amount that was given to feed these kids, and fill their bellies even before we eventually arrive.

For those of you who still want to get involved. Please contact me. Those of you who would love a t-shirt - we still have plenty! Each penny raised will go towards this project.

Thanks again for all those who have contributed by either donations, purchasing locker shelves or t-shirts. Your contribution has helped so much! Thank you!

God Always Shows Up Because He is Always There!

So be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.

For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.

He will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (New Living Translation)

This verse was waiting for me in my email today. A verse I know, and a verse that is always on my heart. A verse that reminds me everyday God will never leave me or forsake me. He is there - always! But it wasn't until this evening, I understood why my spirit was "nudged" this morning as I read it.

I have confessed in previous posts how I have battled with our adoption. How I have had to let Elijah go more and more, and not even knowing how I have picked up this battle. I know he is in better hands than I can even offer, but I would lie to you if I say things are hunky doory. In spite of the heartache it brings to not have Elijah home we do have peace. And as we pray each day, may God's will be done!

I am a black and white thinker. If I can't have Elijah home, then let us move on...let us let him go. And I try. I believe it is my weakness and my heartache that tries to let it go so I can move on and try and get over the pain of this wait. I remember a day full of emotions over our Liberian children and I knew I just had to let them go once again. This time instead of just letting them go I wanted to walk away. That particular day we went to a Kari Jobe concert...their outreach ... orphan care, and behind the worship song lyrics up on the screen were Elijah's eyes looking right at me. Coincidence? No! God? Oh, yes!!!

Another time, I was in a state of despair and anguish. I surrendered all this adoption stuff once again to my Heavenly Father, and confessed I just couldn't do this anymore. "I can't...please don't make me" were the words off my lips. My heart was done. I shouldered the weight of disappointment from Duane and the girls, which only made all the emotions of this journey that much more painful. The next day our congressman phoned and emailed to help us out in our plight. Coincidence? No way!!! God? Absolutely!!!

It is these times of surrender God has shown Himself over and over again. And shown us His will and desire to carry this load of ours.

So today our adoption continues to be held by His hands. No others.

Unfortunately, I can't stop the emails. Emails that draw us to stay on top of things. I prayerfully answer them now for I want to remain in obedience to the One who has it all under control. However, I see them and emotions still arise. Some bring hope and excitement, others bring anguish. Today was one of those days.

Our recent fight is with the US government. So I pray. I act on what He tells me. And I remain still until He tells me what to do. Today we received an email from the US embassy stating a document that is needed. A document that was sent in four months ago, still waiting for a response. Without it there is no proof...just one word against another. I found myself overwhelmed - to say the very least. I was discouraged. I was angry. And so, so tired thinking of the road ahead.

I wondered again if God really wanted this adoption to perceed.

So I sat still today as I was knocked off my feet. I remained overwhelmed as to where I even start with this leg of our journey ...what do we do? Which office do we contact? What phone number do we use? Will our congresswoman help us? And may I just add the immigration part of this adoption is as clear as mud for me, only making me that much more confussed and overwhelmed. Once again, I couldn't do it.

I was on the phone with our agency this evening - preparing the first steps to tackle this. At the end of the phone call, Duane came home from work and waved something at me. We received the EXACT paperwork that was needed. This particular battle we were set up to fight, had already been won! God did all the work and I did nothing!

God continues to show Himself to us. He has everything all under control. We truly don't have to lift one finger.

So I look back at Deuteronomy 31:6 and remember. God is always with us...He didn't show up tonight, He's always been. He showed His glory and His poweronce again tonight! His presence is always with us and our circumstances. He remains. And He is so so good!

But I think of you, as I had the need to share with you. I think of you, because I know there is someone who is struggling, overwhelmed, in anguish and full of despair. I want you to know that isn't what God wants for you. I ask you to surrender it all to Him, the One who is able and willing to carry your load for you. His love wipes each tear from your eyes, and wants so desperately for you to crawl up into His lap. Will you? Please don't miss out! He is so so good and has already won the battle for you!

Connection...what are you connected with?

I LOVE Facebook. I love being connected to the world I left almost four years ago, in California. I love getting connected with childhood friends. I love feeling I know what is going on in the world. I love hearing about events at our church. I love knowing when friends had their babies, and even learning about deaths. I love hearing others speak their praise and recognition to God. I just love the connection I have in my Facebook world.

I have left a church because of lack of connection. I almost left our current church for the same reason, until God showed me to pursue what I am looking for in connection.

I live in a corner of the world where our neighbors don't talk to one another. One neighbor thinks we are just plain weird because we don't have cable and have a vegetable garden. Other neighbors are feuding, thus won't talk to anyone on our block. One neighbor doesn't have their kids play with ours because ... well, I don't really quite know why.

I consider myself a friendly person, and feel I am eager to help ... but yet, I just can't find that deep connection with another person, who I can laugh, talk or walk with. I have mentioned in previous posts how I have been lonely...and I think bottom line it is because of the world I live in. However, it was just yesterday I have realized I won't approach others because they have connection...and don't need someone like me in their world. So I know God has shown me something He is about to change in me.

Thus because of the world I live in ... Facebook is my connection, my friend, and what I have called a need in my life.

Through some of my "Facebook friends" I have learned about a 40 day fast our pastor challenged the youth with. What I have gathered through "Facebook status'" is our society is so attached to technology, and we aren't necessarily hearing the clear voice of God, because we are letting that technology distract us. For 40 days they were to give up something, so they may hear the voice of God get louder in their lives. I applauded our youth pastor behind the computer screen. And convinced myself I had nothing to give up. Have I mentioned how much I love Facebook?

My biggest complaint in my spiritual life lately is not clearly hearing the voice of God. Yes, there are times I am prompted and "sense" God's leading...but His voice has been quite muffled these days. I have been missing it so much! Put the emptiness of His voice with my isolated world...it is frankly, lonely.

I looked at my life and it's technology. Not only do I have Facebook, but a new phone that lets me see what is going on on Facebook and see all my emails. I am always connected! I have surrendered to defeat by not pursuing relationships or God's voice and have replaced it all with technology and have called it good.

So I took the challenge and stepped it up. I have been off of Facebook for about a week now. I turn on the computer after noon and make sure it is off when Duane comes home from work. I don't check emails (and of course Facebook) from my phone anymore. I have never been a big texter, but I have taken guard against that too. We don't turn the TV on much anymore, if we do it is for one movie or family show, and then off it goes.

I never knew how addicted I was to my technology world until I have lived without. I remember one day wanting so much to be "connected" and found God's voice telling me "I want to be connected to you!". WOW! Here I thought I was sound in my Lord, and still found things I have chosen over Him.

I am thankful God hasn't chosen the newest gadget, the newest flower or even the newest baby over me. He simply chose me. He has never left me or forsaken me, and has remained forever faithful with me - even though I have been a bit distracted with our technology. I am thankful I have never had to see his back as I approach him, or thought I was weird as we gather in the garden to see what a sunflower seed can produce. I am thankful He came to this earth so we may have connection with Him and He with us. And find when I seek Him the loneliness is gone!

I am thankful I stepped up to this fast. I have seen our marriage flourish because we are communicating face to face instead of Duane talking to me as I talk to the computer. I have seen a deeper connection with my girls because they aren't turning the TV on out of boredom and we are playing games instead. It has only been one week...so I'm still expecting to share in a later post how I have connected to our corner of the world, how our family has even grown closer, and what God has said to me.

I confess it is still hard to be "without". But I'm starting to go to a deeper place and finding being "without" isn't so bad for I am "with" my God where I have longed to be. Yes sometimes it still is hard, but it is so worth it!

Goodbye's aren't Always Easy...

Today is the day. Today is the day we knew would come one day soon. Today is the day we have been trying to prepare our girls for, but how do you? Today is the day we have to say good-bye, and have a hard time doing so.

Today we will have to put our faithful and loyal friend down. A friend the girls have known all their lives. A friend that has stuck by Duane's side always. A friend that has driven me crazy, but still has loved. Today we say good-bye, through many tears, but know there will be a place with no more pain ... and knowing her we will still hear her barking all the way to those pearly gates.

Grace, you will be missed. We do love you so!

Our Journey

I have been looking at this blog for sometime now...wondering 1. what to write 2. how vulnerable do I make myself, and 3. what is it God wants me to say. I still look at this now empty space as I am writing how do I even begin to share what is so heavy on my heart with you. I would love to hide behind the excuse of "writer's block" or even the discouragement of comments I have received from unwanted solicitors for things inappropriate, but truthfully I just don't want to be "real" with you, as I try to be. Yet why have I avoided you ...

My pride. I have a fear of and not wanting to be wrong, foolish, fear of failing or even being or doing something stupid in front of you and everyone else. I like you thinking "she knows what she is doing, she seems to have it all together". But can I be honest with you? I don't! I make mistakes and fall everyday.

Our mission trip. I don't think it is going to happen as we have planned. What once was what we thought was God's direction is now uncertainty. God has not supplied the money needed, so we do know we aren't going anytime soon. We have raised the amount needed to provide for the orphans so we will give that money to Addy's Hope. It is still our desire to go to Africa, so we will continue to put nickles and dimes aside. I have to say "I don't know" what will happen, nor when. I stumble myself as I wonder ... is this our selfish desire or is this God? We rest on the fact...God puts the desires in our hearts.

Our adoption of Elijah and Ruth, otherwise known as the "elephant in the room". It was a few weeks ago, we received another email from our agency, with again, not so positive news. There is always something happening, something needed and something to do. Perhaps it is this time of the year, or because I have the mom-thing full force right now ... but whatever it is or wasn't...I reached my breaking point. I sat Duane down and said "I just can't do this anymore". God has told me to live in the present, and I can't find the presence when I'm constantly reminded of the past and waiting for the future. In my tears, Duane saw the desperation, the tiredness and the anguish of it all so he brought us to God. In our human hands, we confessed our tiredness, weakness and confusion with it all and how He has to take the reigns. If this is His desire He has to bring them home ... for we just can't anymore. We also confessed we should have never had the reigns in the first place.

I don't believe in coincidences. Our agency has asked us to contact our congressmen and representatives months ago. It has been 8 months ago when we started contacting them via: email and phone calls. Each call, each email had the same response ... "we are glad you contacted us, and we will be happy to get back to you within 48 hours", only to receive no response. After we surrendered things to God, we received a phone call from our congresswoman the next day. She is now doing some research and seeing what help she can provide us.

I don't know where this is going to lead. I remain always in hope - for mine remains in Christ, and no where else. However, I know I am in that place where I am starting to live again. I am enjoying the pleasures of a Godly man, and finding contentment with the beautiful girls we have. I am trying to take each step the way God would have me to go. I confess my mind stumbles in "being wrong", or even wondering if I chose a journey that God didn't ordain. But I know God makes ALL things good. I know I can't live in the past as God has reminded me by tripping myself up whether this was right or wrong, good or bad, of God or of self. I have to just simply live. Now I am allowing God to restore and fill those places that have been empty for so long. I am amazed of the restoration and new passion of love God has placed in Duane and my hearts for one another. I am weary and thankful for the emotions of teenage girls, and have found new strength as I guide their young hearts. Part of living too, is taking down what has become a "shrine" (as Duane has called Elijah's room) and allowing the girls to once again have their own rooms. When we know with our full hearts where and what we are suppose to do ... it is then we will act accordingly, until then we will simply live.

Pride. It has stumbled me. It has lead me in the wrong direction. It has kept my heart fully away from Him as well as relationships with others. But when I remove my pride, I find God holding me in His love. And that is where I am today.

Snow Day!

After we came home from our vacation, I was ready to be back with my friends in California and I admit I have been a bit homesick for some of my favorite places. It was only a couple of days back in the routine of things when we got hit...

a snow storm!
And then I was reminded...Spring may be different here than in the terrain and weather that I used to know in California. And yes, spring here may not always be filled with the warmth of the sun as I once used to know, but there is one thing that spring time in Colorado brings ...

Snow Days! Gotta Love Them!