Happy Father's Day My Dearheart

Our message to our girls this past year has been they don't have to spend money for a nice gift. It's a hard message to teach and learn when sales for the coolest thing are all around you, or when you hear of what so and so has bought their father, or even when you have a heart that it would just be nice to provide for Dad once, the way he has provided for you countless of times. It's just plain hard. But we went beyond the storebought gift, and created something that spoke to Duane's heart this Father's Day.

The gift that made Duane's heart overfill (please turn music off at the bottom of the blog) ...

And with a heart filled with love we all took him to the mountains for his favorite things to do...hiking with his family.

And with that Duane had the best Father's Day yet! And the girls so understand, it's giving from the heart that makes a difference. And to my Dearheart, you are such a great Daddy - because you look to the Greatest Father of them All. We love you so very much!

Thank You!!!

Our family would like to thank each one of you that has supported our endeavors to go to Liberia. As you can see by the thermometer we have been "still" for quite some time. We still have hopes going. However, the amount raised is the exact number we added into our funding for food for the orphans. We have heard the past few months how the children at Addy's Hope is out of food. Food that came in gave them a meal a day. Now there have been days they have gone without all together. It breaks our heart. So our family has decided to send this amount that was given to feed these kids, and fill their bellies even before we eventually arrive.

For those of you who still want to get involved. Please contact me. Those of you who would love a t-shirt - we still have plenty! Each penny raised will go towards this project.

Thanks again for all those who have contributed by either donations, purchasing locker shelves or t-shirts. Your contribution has helped so much! Thank you!

God Always Shows Up Because He is Always There!

So be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.

For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.

He will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (New Living Translation)

This verse was waiting for me in my email today. A verse I know, and a verse that is always on my heart. A verse that reminds me everyday God will never leave me or forsake me. He is there - always! But it wasn't until this evening, I understood why my spirit was "nudged" this morning as I read it.

I have confessed in previous posts how I have battled with our adoption. How I have had to let Elijah go more and more, and not even knowing how I have picked up this battle. I know he is in better hands than I can even offer, but I would lie to you if I say things are hunky doory. In spite of the heartache it brings to not have Elijah home we do have peace. And as we pray each day, may God's will be done!

I am a black and white thinker. If I can't have Elijah home, then let us move on...let us let him go. And I try. I believe it is my weakness and my heartache that tries to let it go so I can move on and try and get over the pain of this wait. I remember a day full of emotions over our Liberian children and I knew I just had to let them go once again. This time instead of just letting them go I wanted to walk away. That particular day we went to a Kari Jobe concert...their outreach ... orphan care, and behind the worship song lyrics up on the screen were Elijah's eyes looking right at me. Coincidence? No! God? Oh, yes!!!

Another time, I was in a state of despair and anguish. I surrendered all this adoption stuff once again to my Heavenly Father, and confessed I just couldn't do this anymore. "I can't...please don't make me" were the words off my lips. My heart was done. I shouldered the weight of disappointment from Duane and the girls, which only made all the emotions of this journey that much more painful. The next day our congressman phoned and emailed to help us out in our plight. Coincidence? No way!!! God? Absolutely!!!

It is these times of surrender God has shown Himself over and over again. And shown us His will and desire to carry this load of ours.

So today our adoption continues to be held by His hands. No others.

Unfortunately, I can't stop the emails. Emails that draw us to stay on top of things. I prayerfully answer them now for I want to remain in obedience to the One who has it all under control. However, I see them and emotions still arise. Some bring hope and excitement, others bring anguish. Today was one of those days.

Our recent fight is with the US government. So I pray. I act on what He tells me. And I remain still until He tells me what to do. Today we received an email from the US embassy stating a document that is needed. A document that was sent in four months ago, still waiting for a response. Without it there is no proof...just one word against another. I found myself overwhelmed - to say the very least. I was discouraged. I was angry. And so, so tired thinking of the road ahead.

I wondered again if God really wanted this adoption to perceed.

So I sat still today as I was knocked off my feet. I remained overwhelmed as to where I even start with this leg of our journey ...what do we do? Which office do we contact? What phone number do we use? Will our congresswoman help us? And may I just add the immigration part of this adoption is as clear as mud for me, only making me that much more confussed and overwhelmed. Once again, I couldn't do it.

I was on the phone with our agency this evening - preparing the first steps to tackle this. At the end of the phone call, Duane came home from work and waved something at me. We received the EXACT paperwork that was needed. This particular battle we were set up to fight, had already been won! God did all the work and I did nothing!

God continues to show Himself to us. He has everything all under control. We truly don't have to lift one finger.

So I look back at Deuteronomy 31:6 and remember. God is always with us...He didn't show up tonight, He's always been. He showed His glory and His poweronce again tonight! His presence is always with us and our circumstances. He remains. And He is so so good!

But I think of you, as I had the need to share with you. I think of you, because I know there is someone who is struggling, overwhelmed, in anguish and full of despair. I want you to know that isn't what God wants for you. I ask you to surrender it all to Him, the One who is able and willing to carry your load for you. His love wipes each tear from your eyes, and wants so desperately for you to crawl up into His lap. Will you? Please don't miss out! He is so so good and has already won the battle for you!

Connection...what are you connected with?

I LOVE Facebook. I love being connected to the world I left almost four years ago, in California. I love getting connected with childhood friends. I love feeling I know what is going on in the world. I love hearing about events at our church. I love knowing when friends had their babies, and even learning about deaths. I love hearing others speak their praise and recognition to God. I just love the connection I have in my Facebook world.

I have left a church because of lack of connection. I almost left our current church for the same reason, until God showed me to pursue what I am looking for in connection.

I live in a corner of the world where our neighbors don't talk to one another. One neighbor thinks we are just plain weird because we don't have cable and have a vegetable garden. Other neighbors are feuding, thus won't talk to anyone on our block. One neighbor doesn't have their kids play with ours because ... well, I don't really quite know why.

I consider myself a friendly person, and feel I am eager to help ... but yet, I just can't find that deep connection with another person, who I can laugh, talk or walk with. I have mentioned in previous posts how I have been lonely...and I think bottom line it is because of the world I live in. However, it was just yesterday I have realized I won't approach others because they have connection...and don't need someone like me in their world. So I know God has shown me something He is about to change in me.

Thus because of the world I live in ... Facebook is my connection, my friend, and what I have called a need in my life.

Through some of my "Facebook friends" I have learned about a 40 day fast our pastor challenged the youth with. What I have gathered through "Facebook status'" is our society is so attached to technology, and we aren't necessarily hearing the clear voice of God, because we are letting that technology distract us. For 40 days they were to give up something, so they may hear the voice of God get louder in their lives. I applauded our youth pastor behind the computer screen. And convinced myself I had nothing to give up. Have I mentioned how much I love Facebook?

My biggest complaint in my spiritual life lately is not clearly hearing the voice of God. Yes, there are times I am prompted and "sense" God's leading...but His voice has been quite muffled these days. I have been missing it so much! Put the emptiness of His voice with my isolated world...it is frankly, lonely.

I looked at my life and it's technology. Not only do I have Facebook, but a new phone that lets me see what is going on on Facebook and see all my emails. I am always connected! I have surrendered to defeat by not pursuing relationships or God's voice and have replaced it all with technology and have called it good.

So I took the challenge and stepped it up. I have been off of Facebook for about a week now. I turn on the computer after noon and make sure it is off when Duane comes home from work. I don't check emails (and of course Facebook) from my phone anymore. I have never been a big texter, but I have taken guard against that too. We don't turn the TV on much anymore, if we do it is for one movie or family show, and then off it goes.

I never knew how addicted I was to my technology world until I have lived without. I remember one day wanting so much to be "connected" and found God's voice telling me "I want to be connected to you!". WOW! Here I thought I was sound in my Lord, and still found things I have chosen over Him.

I am thankful God hasn't chosen the newest gadget, the newest flower or even the newest baby over me. He simply chose me. He has never left me or forsaken me, and has remained forever faithful with me - even though I have been a bit distracted with our technology. I am thankful I have never had to see his back as I approach him, or thought I was weird as we gather in the garden to see what a sunflower seed can produce. I am thankful He came to this earth so we may have connection with Him and He with us. And find when I seek Him the loneliness is gone!

I am thankful I stepped up to this fast. I have seen our marriage flourish because we are communicating face to face instead of Duane talking to me as I talk to the computer. I have seen a deeper connection with my girls because they aren't turning the TV on out of boredom and we are playing games instead. It has only been one week...so I'm still expecting to share in a later post how I have connected to our corner of the world, how our family has even grown closer, and what God has said to me.

I confess it is still hard to be "without". But I'm starting to go to a deeper place and finding being "without" isn't so bad for I am "with" my God where I have longed to be. Yes sometimes it still is hard, but it is so worth it!

Goodbye's aren't Always Easy...

Today is the day. Today is the day we knew would come one day soon. Today is the day we have been trying to prepare our girls for, but how do you? Today is the day we have to say good-bye, and have a hard time doing so.

Today we will have to put our faithful and loyal friend down. A friend the girls have known all their lives. A friend that has stuck by Duane's side always. A friend that has driven me crazy, but still has loved. Today we say good-bye, through many tears, but know there will be a place with no more pain ... and knowing her we will still hear her barking all the way to those pearly gates.

Grace, you will be missed. We do love you so!

Our Journey

I have been looking at this blog for sometime now...wondering 1. what to write 2. how vulnerable do I make myself, and 3. what is it God wants me to say. I still look at this now empty space as I am writing how do I even begin to share what is so heavy on my heart with you. I would love to hide behind the excuse of "writer's block" or even the discouragement of comments I have received from unwanted solicitors for things inappropriate, but truthfully I just don't want to be "real" with you, as I try to be. Yet why have I avoided you ...

My pride. I have a fear of and not wanting to be wrong, foolish, fear of failing or even being or doing something stupid in front of you and everyone else. I like you thinking "she knows what she is doing, she seems to have it all together". But can I be honest with you? I don't! I make mistakes and fall everyday.

Our mission trip. I don't think it is going to happen as we have planned. What once was what we thought was God's direction is now uncertainty. God has not supplied the money needed, so we do know we aren't going anytime soon. We have raised the amount needed to provide for the orphans so we will give that money to Addy's Hope. It is still our desire to go to Africa, so we will continue to put nickles and dimes aside. I have to say "I don't know" what will happen, nor when. I stumble myself as I wonder ... is this our selfish desire or is this God? We rest on the fact...God puts the desires in our hearts.

Our adoption of Elijah and Ruth, otherwise known as the "elephant in the room". It was a few weeks ago, we received another email from our agency, with again, not so positive news. There is always something happening, something needed and something to do. Perhaps it is this time of the year, or because I have the mom-thing full force right now ... but whatever it is or wasn't...I reached my breaking point. I sat Duane down and said "I just can't do this anymore". God has told me to live in the present, and I can't find the presence when I'm constantly reminded of the past and waiting for the future. In my tears, Duane saw the desperation, the tiredness and the anguish of it all so he brought us to God. In our human hands, we confessed our tiredness, weakness and confusion with it all and how He has to take the reigns. If this is His desire He has to bring them home ... for we just can't anymore. We also confessed we should have never had the reigns in the first place.

I don't believe in coincidences. Our agency has asked us to contact our congressmen and representatives months ago. It has been 8 months ago when we started contacting them via: email and phone calls. Each call, each email had the same response ... "we are glad you contacted us, and we will be happy to get back to you within 48 hours", only to receive no response. After we surrendered things to God, we received a phone call from our congresswoman the next day. She is now doing some research and seeing what help she can provide us.

I don't know where this is going to lead. I remain always in hope - for mine remains in Christ, and no where else. However, I know I am in that place where I am starting to live again. I am enjoying the pleasures of a Godly man, and finding contentment with the beautiful girls we have. I am trying to take each step the way God would have me to go. I confess my mind stumbles in "being wrong", or even wondering if I chose a journey that God didn't ordain. But I know God makes ALL things good. I know I can't live in the past as God has reminded me by tripping myself up whether this was right or wrong, good or bad, of God or of self. I have to just simply live. Now I am allowing God to restore and fill those places that have been empty for so long. I am amazed of the restoration and new passion of love God has placed in Duane and my hearts for one another. I am weary and thankful for the emotions of teenage girls, and have found new strength as I guide their young hearts. Part of living too, is taking down what has become a "shrine" (as Duane has called Elijah's room) and allowing the girls to once again have their own rooms. When we know with our full hearts where and what we are suppose to do ... it is then we will act accordingly, until then we will simply live.

Pride. It has stumbled me. It has lead me in the wrong direction. It has kept my heart fully away from Him as well as relationships with others. But when I remove my pride, I find God holding me in His love. And that is where I am today.

Snow Day!

After we came home from our vacation, I was ready to be back with my friends in California and I admit I have been a bit homesick for some of my favorite places. It was only a couple of days back in the routine of things when we got hit...

a snow storm!
And then I was reminded...Spring may be different here than in the terrain and weather that I used to know in California. And yes, spring here may not always be filled with the warmth of the sun as I once used to know, but there is one thing that spring time in Colorado brings ...

Snow Days! Gotta Love Them!

Things That I Learn On Spring Break

I didn't know how important it was to have a few days of relaxation. I confess I have felt we shouldn't do such frivolous things until our children are home, especially when I think of their hungry bellies and circumstances they live in. So we have continued to put off our needs of relaxation. But we finally did it. We addressed our needs, and took care of ourselves. We were hoping for a frivolous vacation...one in Hawaii or in California, but soon realized God was addressing our needs of having time with one another and getting some much needed rest away from the everyday life. We didn't go far - Denver, to be precise. But it was perfect, and just what we needed. I was able to do my Bible study, cry as I read a good book, laugh with the family, and see my husband relax as work was set aside. I remember seeing lists of "Things You Learn in Kindergarten" or "Things You Learn in School", I have come up with my own: Things You Learn on Spring Break":

1. Rest is a need. It is something we shouldn't put off. God even rested on the seventh day. Shame shouldn't be connected with rest, I should be obedient and do it. Rest prepares me for the events of the week, and takes away the stress from the previous. Rest is a need.


2. I am able to get closer to my family and also to God because distractions are less.


3. My husband is fun! When he is away from the pressures of work, and others telling him what to do and when...he is the man I haven't seen for a long time.


4. My girls make me laugh. The things they think about and do make me giggle.


5. Lindsay is overwhelmed by the demands she has and have put on herself. Getting time away she was able to put them aside and talk them out.


6. Katie was feeling isolated. She was getting shuffled in between Lindsay's firsts and Courtney's health needs.


7. Courtney's medical issues weren't as tolling on her during the time away as they are in her everyday life.


8. Courtney LOVES family time. Nothing can be any better for her, if we are all together, no matter what we are doing.


9. It doesn't take much to have relaxation: a hotel, being away from responsibilites of homelife, and each other is all that is needed. We bought a couple of games and played them over the days either spread out in the living space or on our bed. (We are all obsessive about winning).


10. TV is a treat for us (since we don't have cable), and it only takes one channel to entertain the GIRLS of the family...TLC (What Not to Wear, Four Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, etc.).


11. Duane is still outvoted when it comes to the TV. Luckily he loves to read, and enjoyed doing so.


12. We discovered that if you keep walking on the 16th Street Mall, there is a park at the way end. We saw loose rope walkers ... something new to watch.


13. Saint Patrick's Day isn't the best time to hang out in Denver. My girls were able to learn a lot that day.


14. 14. Pedicures are still welcomed to all of us girls.



15. 15. Having a mall across from the hotel is all the entertainment you need when you have a house full of teenage girls.

16. Having a pool, hot tub and pennies are an added bonus to any vacation.

17. We finally found a great Mexican restaurant since our move here: El Senor Sol. YUM! Lindsay was able to practice her Spanish, and learn some more.

18. When rested, we are able to truly get to know others. We are friendly and welcoming.

19. We didn't miss our dog and to much of Courtney's dismay we will not be replacing our dog when the time comes.

20. The passion and love I have for my husband is great. I enjoy the man he is and hearing about his dreams and passions. He is tender and caring, and makes me smile. I can still get lost in his dark brown eyes and am able to stay there forever.

So, if you are looking at getting away ... do. But know, it doesn't take much. The girls all in all were looking for the time together over elaborate places to go. I felt foolish to spend money on something that was so close, but in the end ... it was all worth it!

You may have heard that one of the places we were hoping to go to was Disneyland. The added bonus, and the conclusion to our vacation was that Disneyland was brought to us ... Disney On Ice, to be exact.

We can't wait until our next Spring Break!

Reclaiming Our Family

Where do we even begin? I have not been kidding in the past few posts when confessing the chaos our family has been in. We have had someone sick constantly for the past two months, we have endeared financial strain, had a huge education decision to make, major crisis at Duane's work, Courtney's childhood health issues have resurfaced, and the list goes on. Through everything we are just plain exhausted, which makes it all that much harder to get through.

We have remained quiet, and have been put on our knees. Truly, there isn't a better place to be. Does that make life easier? No, but much more manageable.

Through prayer, bible study, journaling and listening - we have seen something that alarmed us. We are living in the future ... definitely not in the present. I believe it started the same time we committed to Elijah. We put everything on hold by saying "we'll do this when Elijah & Ruthie are home...", for example. Life has been on hold because we have stopped living. I haven't even taken a family picture because I keep thinking that Elijah and Ruthie will be home, and we'll just do it then. Honestly, the intentions are good (I'm always trying to save a dollar), but through the savings, we forgot about the treasures we have. You know those treasures we take for granted: the gift of a marriage, the beauty of three girls, the good health we are given, the wonder of creation and the best yet ... God's son, Jesus. When we stopped living, we put these things aside too.

Duane and I have been working so hard to "reclaim our family" (our current purpose statement). Because we have endured so much stress in the past few months, we are trying to reduce it. We are trying to do what is right for our family, and not the others down the street or those sitting in the same pew as us on Sunday morning. Through it we are trying to be prepared for the unforeseen stress that comes into the family, but most of all to bring our family together once again. Some of the things we have done are: we have decided next school year to put Katie and Lindsay in the public schools near our home , and Courtney to be home schooled. This will naturally put us at home more, and lessen the strain from our commute. It will also put me, the peacemaker of the home to do just that...help create an atmosphere of peace. Home schooling will not be easy, and add it's own kind of stress but we will reap its benefits and know it is best for Courtney at this time. The change will naturally help us financially as well, as we can focus at getting out of debt. As long as we continue to owe, there isn't peace. Duane and I will also have more time to put aside for each other. We are both looking forward to this. If we aren't healthy in our relationship, the whole family will crumble and fall in the littlest strain that comes our way. And too, we have realized we haven't taken a true vacation for the past seven years. Duane's company has had a major catastrophe that didn't allow our original plans of a great vacation to work, but as we said to the girls ... "it doesn't matter where we are, but that we are together and learn how to laugh again". So with that we are escaping over the next few days.

As we stand guard to what may come our way, and as we try and get our life back in the present, I can't help but be thankful. For I am thankful that God doesn't put me on hold as He waits for another person or event. I am thankful that I have a God that has it all together, and takes the time to live with and through each of us. I am thankful He is my Redeemer and has claimed our family over and over again. And in my thankfulness, I will take His lead, and learn to stay in the current time and His presence.

So as for you...you'll have to hold out about all the things we have been doing in our life, or what we are working toward doing. Today, we hold onto each other, as He is holding onto us and we are taking some time for a little get-away. See you later!

As I Survey the Wonderful Cross...

You know the story of the cross. Christ was beaten beyond recognition, nailed to the cross, died there. Then was buried, and three days later arose from the grave. He did this for you and for me, so we have have a life with God in heaven - eternal life for all those who choose to believe. If you don't know the story Duane and I would be privileged to share it with you and pray for you.

I know the story. Yet my soul has not been satisfied. I know the answers. I know what the preachers tell us. I know. But yet God is stirring in my soul. The question has been raised a couple of times in my mind: "Karen, what does the cross mean to you? Do you know the power in the cross?" No, I don't! I'm a Christian, and I don't. Shame has held me down.

Also, what does it really mean to "deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me"? The cross represents Christ's crucifixion, am I to be crucified daily?

But I pursue God, trust Him and seek His answer.

We have had such a spiritual battle these past couple of months. Lies, betrayal, hurts, anger, health issues, loneliness, life changing decisions and so much more are just some of the things that have been coming our way. When I have been the weakest, it is those times I am caught off guard and have believed; "I must deserve all this, for the loving God I serve wouldn't do such things." Oh, Satan - you have been revealed, and you are exposed and not allowed to speak such things to me no more!

But I have believed that lie. I have learned that right now, every thought needs to be held captive, and questioned by God's truth. If it doesn't hold true...it's from the enemy and I caste it out. He can not have a hold on me anymore. I learned in my study yesterday that "My truth + God's truth = FREEDOM" and that is just where I am heading to today. Thank you God for always being faithful!

But what does that cross mean to me today? It is where I can nail all these lies I have believed, all the wounds that have come my way that have caused me not to trust or believe, all the emotional turmoil and all the thoughts can be. I choose to not pick them up anymore. I am yelling to God that He IS enough. I am daily laying all my stuff down, and choosing for Him to take the lead in my life and live the life as He sees fit - obeying Him, and doing His word. I feel so much lighter!

So when I sing the words to the song "When I Survey the Wonderful Cross"...I'm doing just that. Soaking in His goodness, His faithfulness, His strength, His love and laying everything of mine down, so He may live through me.