Let The Journey Begin ...

Well, it is time for the truth to come out.  I have avoided this blog, because simply 'fear' has kept me away.  Fear of judgement, fear of condemnation and fear of every one's "helpful words" that come across more discouraging than empathetic and encouraging.

The time has come.  Not to just come out in the open with my feelings, but also this dream God has placed on our hearts is staring us right in our face.

Adoption.  We are pleased to announce we have a ten year old son!  And for the sake of his protection, and the rules we must abide...you won't be seeing a picture of him, nor his name posted, or his story.

There are so many stories and evidence this journey is ordained by God.  This entry isn't about those stories.  But bottom line, we're doing what God has called us to do.  And I'm doing everything to trust in Him.

I do remember right before all this came to be, having an attitude of "giving up"; and it was clear through the days that followed God put me in a place where I couldn't, but He could.  It was clear He put adoption on our hearts, and wouldn't even allow us to stop thinking or dreaming about it.  However, just because God calls us, doesn't mean the journey He calls us to is easy.

I have been taught that those things that come easy are definitely meant to be.  So I assumed the opposite would be true too ... those things that are hard, are not meant to be and aren't of God.  A lie!  A lie that Satan is truly trying to stumble me with, and a lie I caste out right now as I type.

The day I met my son for the first time, I changed my clothes a few times ... hoping to look like a cool mom, hoping that I would meet his expectations.  Wishing I had shed a few pounds.  I didn't know what to expect.  I just know I was excited, nervous and full of peace.  I held the hand of peace as we drove to meet him.  I will never forget that day.  It was the moment he came into the room, when I layed my first eyes on him that didn't move me.  We didn't know what to talk about, but God reminded me how much of a gardener our son is ... and it was God that broke the ice.  Our son took that open door and started talking, wanting to show us his garden.  He never stopped talking!  It was the moment he started speaking that moved my heart, and that moment I could see his heart, and see how sweet it is.  It was that moment that changed our lives forever.

As we only have our son on weekends right now, it is when he starts talking that continues to melt my heart.  But it doesn't mean that this is an easy journey.

I was warned that it would take longer for our son to attach to me, more than anyone else.  And I have seen the truth in this statement.  I'd be lying if I told you that their warning, and the understanding behind it made it easier.  It doesn't.  I have a nurturing heart, I want to just hug on him.  But that hasn't come yet.  It has only been a few weeks still, but my heart still wants something that it can't have quite yet.  But I hold onto hope.

Because of my past, my trauma, my stumbling stones Satan tried to lay in my way ... when my son pulls away from me, I feel rejected.  When I feel rejected, I tend to pull away.  When I pull away, my son and I aren't able to attach.  So I have a counselor that holds me accountable, stands on my side and gives me sound advice.  I still hold onto hope and with hope we have already seen some change.

We aren't used to having a boy around here.  I never thought it would be a big thing.  And for the most part it doesn't.  But now I share my husband with someone else, a whole different way.  It has been hard.  I hold onto hope through this transition, and my husband has to give me more reassurance through these days than he used to. And that hope, I have experienced some change.

As we continue to proceed on our visits, I have experienced excitement and honestly resentment.  It hasn't been easy.  It has put our lives upside down.  Both good and hard.  And from the beginning I continue to hold onto God's hand, trusting Him and leaning on nothing but Him.  And through this journey I hold onto the promise that our family of six will be connecting, and this transition will be in our past, and hearts will be connected.  We aren't just growing in number, but in our hearts too.  And through it all ... God is bringing healing - for our son and even for me.  Healing I didn't even know needed to take place.

Adoption.  It isn't easy.  But it is possible.  Hope surrounds it.  And I reach out for that hope so often these days.  I choose to trust God, and continue to look forward to the days ahead WITH our son.  And I choose to love my son, and am reminded through this choice God chose to love me.  And I choose to hold God's hand and am reminded God has never let me out of His.  Will I have bad days and be a bad mom?  Yep.  Our son will have the same mom as the girl's do.  A mom full of mistakes and who needs God's grace every moment of every day. 

And now let the journey begin...