Life on the Other Side of the Fence

April 30, 2014 was Duane's last day at work, as he was laid off from a large, respectful company.  He needed a break, and we prayed God had that in His plans.  And we have always had a knowing seeded deep within that God had this all in control ... the next job would come.  We had hoped that after a couple of weeks Duane would be back at it, and we could pocket the sizable severance pay ... and pay off some bills while we were at it.  We had hopes and dreams.  And if we could have a nice vacation towards the end of the year, that would be the added bonus.

Today ... three and a half months later, Duane is still in that time off mode.  We have gone through the struggles of finding each others roles, as well as the confusion it has brought to the girls as I am now the one at work, and Daddy is the go to person.  Duane has the agenda of what is going on, but not as detailed as I would like ... and I am clueless as the coming and going of the activities in the household (if it isn't on the calendar).  Duane is the fix-it minded, goal oriented, head to the grind-stone type of guy having a summer with the emotions of four women, drama of high-school girls and watching his wife come and go with joys, struggles and exhaustion of work.  The other side of the fence looks doesn't look as "easy" as he once thought it to be (whether he admits to it or not). 

I continue to go to work.  I experience good days and bad.  My energy is taken there, and there isn't much left for home.  The joy I once had in the kitchen seems so far, so long ago.  I don't have much time with my girls, and feel at a loss because of it.  Being the caregiver and encourager I once was as I sent everyone on their ways and had things ready for their return seems to be at a loss as well.  This other side of the fence is foreign for me and I would so rather be back on my own side.

Duane and I have always had the traditional, "old-fashion" roles.  He went to work, he was the provider and I was the nurturer and home maker.  This summer we have learned to respect one another roles in a whole new way.  I think we have learned our lesson and we are ready for our roles to revert back once again. 

Yet ... the wait continues.

Duane gets leads.  He submits his resume.  We wait.  And for the most part ... the society for what it is ... we never hear a thing.  There is only one company that has given us the courtesy of a polite rejection letter.  Duane has submitted over one hundred resumes now.  And we continue to wait. 

I have been torn.  I have learned to wait on the Lord in all this, as my eyes have been waiting for a phone call or email to come through ... and I would find God in all that.  But instead my eyes have learned to focus on Him and all the rest would align itself. 

But now today, there is a new level of anxiousness and a new level of want.  I won't lie, there are days that you can't help but wonder "has God forgotten us?" ... and I just have to turn and extend my hand out to Him and know He is there holding it.  He tells us to trust, and we try ... some days are easier than others.  Today is hard.  I remember the list of answered prayers, and how God has seen us through each trial time and time again ... and then I'm reminded this will be like the rest.  God will answer.  God will answer. 

I have daydreamed and thought of moving across state, as that seems the only way we can see the country we live in.  I have surrendered and have even become excited at the possibilities.  I have surrendered to the thought of us having to move back to the state that was once called home, and have tried hardest to embrace it.  I have pleaded with staying in our beautiful home, that is decorated to our liking and have discovered a new side of me as I hike the great outdoors.  I have accepted it all ... to move or not, coming and going ... willing to do whatever God wants. 

Yet that is the question.  What is God doing?  What does He want?

So we wait.  We continue life on the other side of the fence for now.  Tension comes and goes.  We wait on the Lord.  And battle the thought of God forgetting about us.  And we wait. And we pray the waiting will come to an end ... quickly.  And I hold onto that deep seeded knowing, God this too all in His control.