A Humbling Lesson taught from the Least of His.

We found out earlier this past week that a famous man has passed away.  A man that we are not only fond of, but has brought us much joy.  And it got me thinking.

You see, when I say famous ... he wasn't one of glamour or wealth.  He wasn't one that many people knew.  A matter-of-fact, many of you have never heard of him.  But if you have ever visited San Francisco, and toured the area you more likely had a run in with him - and even a scare.

The Bush Man.

I have come to an age where I know that many of us have the same struggles ... finances, parenting, job influences and the list goes on.  However, I admit it wasn't even too long ago that I could look at a person and size them up by saying: "They don't understand.  They don't have the same situation as I do".  You know there is some truth in that, as we all have our different upbringings and circumstances.  But we do all battle the same kind of struggles, we just handle them sometimes differently.


And with that thought, I thought of the Bush Man. 

If anyone has been in San Francisco, you would find him amongst the many street entertainers that greet you along Fisherman Wharf.  In the midst of the entertainment, you would find what appears to be a bush growing on the sidewalk.  And as you approached it, the Bush Man would jump out and scare you, and then fall quickly right back into position.  I have fallen for this many of times.  Now, on the other side of the street where he was you would find a huge crowd gathered watching and laughing as each victim would approach.  The Bush Man was a huge success. 

I can't help but wonder when he would finish his day, and in the quietness of the hour how he might have doubted his talent.  He could have had that thought; "oh, I'm not talented like those other men on the street", "if only I could be like them".  And then I even wondered if he too battled the thought that he hasn't done anything great with his life, hasn't impacted anyone or had a purpose.

I pray that he died in peace, without these thoughts.  But his death did get me thinking.

I battle those thoughts.  I compare myself to you and others that I meet, and size myself up as not being like you or them, and wishing I could be that much better.  I too have questioned my greatness and purpose, and have wondered if I have impacted anyone.  But this week I have remembered the Bush Man.

He may not have saw himself as value or greatness.  But I did.  He may have saw his homeless state and thought he should have done something better with his life.  However, I see him living selflessly, bringing joy to strangers that he didn't even know, enjoying life as it was and being content with how life was.  And isn't that one of our purposes in life, finding the joy of the life God has given us and bringing it to those we do life with?  Aren't we to be thankful in all circumstances and considering it all joy? 

Oh, Bush Man ... you have taught me a great lesson.  And for that I'm thankful.  I will miss you when I visit.   But I will promise you this, I will find the joy in life God has given me and choose to be thankful.  And as I find my joy and thankfulness in God, and focus on these things ... I too will impact those around me. 

This Big Light of Mine

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you:  God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

1 John 1:5-7

 

I was in my devotions this morning, doing my daily prayer and journaling.  In my quiet time, and in my desperation of wanting a change in so many areas of my life I read these verses. 

 

Repentance.  Something I need to do every minute of every day.  I came to the conclusion, as I still struggle with taking each thought of mine captive, that I need to take them captive and not allow them to create the beliefs that can overtake over my mind and spirit, separating me from not only my Savior but my family and friends.  I wonder how much my life would be different if I would just captivate my thoughts.  I repented.  And this morning I am thankful once again for his forgiveness ... not only his forgiveness but his purification.  And as I look out the window and see the snow that covers the ground, I am reminded my sin is covered as well, and it runs deep.  And in a few months the dead that is under that snow will show new signs of life and will spring up new colors ... I don't have to wait a few months, but can hold onto the new signs of life he will be doing in me today.

 

But I noticed something else in this passage.  "God is light, in him there is no darkness at all."  I have been looking at the turmoil in our lives and see that I have seen nothing but darkness.  Thus, I haven't seen God - because He isn't the dark, He is light.  I have chosen to see nothing but darkness and have been captivated at seeing nothing but. 

 

And so I repent again.  I have denied Christ in my own life, in my daily life.  I have been a hypocrite and I have been deceitful to those around me.  I haven't been living a life full of light, I haven't been mesmerized by his light.  I've looked at the darkness and allowed it to control me. 

 

Yes, bad things happen to people.  But it is our choice to see God in them.  His light can outshine the darkness, and remove it completely.  I choose today to look at His light and allow Him to outshine any circumstance I am in, any emotional heartache that seems to outweigh any truth, and I believe that the troubles of this world can and will bow to His lightness.

 

I sing this childhood song, much differently today ...

 

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Hide it under a bushel, no!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Don't let Satan blow it out!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Shine it through the neighborhood!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Shine it until Jesus comes!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. 

The Last Grains of Sand in the Hour Glass

We had to write our goals for the coming year at work; both business and personal.  (I think I should add blogging, I love to write and get my thoughts cleared on "paper"!)  I wrote my list, then I'd add to it, so I'd reprint it one more time. 

I'm anticipating so much this year.  It is funny once those goals are written down, it becomes more of a reality, something to work toward.  I'm sure that it was the company's ploy as they will see much improvement in their employees, as well as improvement in their store.  But it has changed how I manage my time.

I confess I can be a workaholic.  There is something always that needs to be done, and I have this mind set there, as well as home, that "I'm the only person who'll do it".  And with that mindset I spend a lot of time at the store, even more than the time sheet says.  Don't get me wrong.  The other thing I battle is frankly I love my job and its atmosphere.  I love the guests and building relationships.  They encourage me as much as I try to encourage them.  That love will pull me back in as well.

But when I look at my goal list, I see at the very top of the list is:  Not to miss an opportunity to embrace a moment with my girls. 

Katie has 1 1/2 years left in high school, and how she turns 18 this year, and Courtney has 2 1/2 years and turns 16 years old.  I see the hour glass with just a few grains of sand in it.  My time is running out with them. 

I have learned through Lindsay how being an "adult" looks like.  Real responsibilities come.  Time is of the essence.  We compete with boys, school, friends and work.  Home is viewed as something that will always be there, but not something to be part of as much.  We rejoice in her accomplishments from afar and remain on our knees for the challenges that are ahead for her.  She walks this path without her parents holding her hands, and we hope we said all the right words to her in the earlier years to help her through.  She does her thing, as we do ours.    

Pretty soon, Katie will be there.

Then Courtney.

Then life is completely different from the one I have dreamt of, and that is so much apart of who I am.  It is scary to think of life being different.  It brings me so much sorrow as I think of life being so drastically different.  I have been looking at pictures of when our family was young a lot, and wishing I could turn back and hold them more.  I look back wishing I put the chore I was so focused on getting done, and hold or play with my girls one more time.   

We get several emails a day from colleges wanting Katie.  There seems to be a power that rises in me when I hit that delete button, and something inside of me says "No!  You can't have her yet!". 

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I dreamt of the babies to hold, and little ones to care for.  I didn't think of the difficulties of the teenage years, but planned for the years ahead just the same. 

I think of how many times I fell down on bended knee praying for God to give me wisdom and give me the right words to say to help teach them.  Or the strength to get through temper tantrums.  I wondered if they would ever be out of diapers.  I prayed for my girls as they journeyed through school and discovered challenges along the way.  I pleaded to draw them back to me when they journeyed onto independence.  And I will continue to repeat those same prayers as they each go onto their next adventure - even though the giggles won't be heard on the other side of these walls.  Space will separate us.  But my love will be all over them - even though I won't be near to hold them.

And in all this dread of the years ahead, and the sting of sorrow, I choose to be thankful. 

I'm thankful to you God, for the years in the past.  I'm thankful for giving me the dream to be a mom, and fulfilling that dream.  I'm thankful for the list of goals we had to do, so I can turn away from my job more and turn toward these girls before they are off to their next adventure.  I'm thankful that you have given me strength when needed, and thankful you'll continue to give me strength in the years to come.  And I'm thankful that you hold me more and more each day, as I let go of these girls one by one.  I welcome your embrace.

So yes, I have turned away from my job little by little, and embrace those moments of hearing about their days as they come home from school, playing games in spite of the hour or day it is and I will crawl in their rooms at night, as they sleep and hold them a little while longer.

A Recovering Perfectionist!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed

to the likeness of his Son,

that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And those he predestined, he also called;

those he called, he also justified;

those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, neither height or depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

 that is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-31, 35, 37-39

 

Life.  I guess I can use that old expression:  "God never promised me a rose garden".  Or "God never said life would be easy".  As we entered into 2014, I shared how I believe God was getting us ready for an abundance.  So when this past week hit, it took me off guard ... as it was far from an abundance.

 

The stress in our household remains high.  I can't share all the details of all we are under, but it is more than the normal.  And we all deal with this stress differently.  We have been walking in it together.  When one of us was struggling, the others walked with them through it.  It wasn't as rosy as it sounds, for many times it wasn't the image of walking hand in hand, but grabbing someone by the hair and pulling them through.

 

I remained in prayer.  I trusted.  I hoped.  And I waited.

 

One of our struggles just isn't getting easier, but affecting and disrupting the whole household.  We have become grumpy, bitter and resentful for this particular struggle.  I know ungodly attributes.

 

The one attribute that the whole Archibald family deals with is perfectionism.  Personally, I have allowed myself to make mistakes here and there, but I have a tendency to allow God's forgiveness reign over me, but I won't do the same and allow myself to experience the condemnation that I feel I deserve.  When I see that I'm doing it, I have to remind myself of who I am, and He is so much greater.  If He can forgive, so should I.  And I have found that in order to forgive, one has to also love.  Forgiveness and love seem to go hand in hand.  Why are they so hard?  They should be the easiest thing to do.  But they aren't.  It's just easier to judge and condemn.  I'm ashamed to say, but I fall into that trap easily, and more often than I like to admit.

 

Part of my perfectionism I see in levels.  It is easy to forgive that I messed up in a recipe and the bread didn't come out as it should.  Or it is a bit harder but still have the ability to forgive myself for not getting to work on time.  However, when it comes to the "big" stuff; like parenting - it is much harder.  To me, that is almost near impossible to forgive.  Do you find these levels too?

 

I tried to walk in the grace God gives daily, but something stumbled me big time.  

 

As I  ramble on and talk about so much, I'm just admitting that I have failed.  I have also taken on another persons wrong choices as my failure.  (But that is another post.)

 

This past weekend I admit that I believed the devil's lie ... "God hates me".  "He sees where I have failed, and is very much ashamed of me".  And with those lies, I literally felt life leave me.  Literally.  It was a very scary place to be.  I was in a dark and lonely place ... different from anything in the past.  It wasn't me.  Duane saw my lifeless face.  He had to ask me what I did, or what I took.  Nothing.  That was the truth.  I believed lies. And I chose my condemnation over the love and forgiveness of God.  Duane had to get Katie from work.  Courtney was assigned to watch over me.  I didn't understand why.  But I knew that without any life in me, there wasn't life to choose either.  Life had left, and so did any feelings and concerned.  With life comes truth, that wasn't there either.  Perhaps that is what scared Duane the most.  I continued to sit, as I literally couldn't move.  Courtney remained confused.  But then the most incredible thing happened.  In her fear, in her confusion, in her desperation she rested her hand upon my back as I sat.  And something happened.  The darkness fled and life started to restore.  And I felt love starting to win out.  It wasn't until yesterday that I asked her about this ... if she was praying or if she just rested her hand.  She was praying.

 

And with that God heard the prayers of the youngest, and answered.  He came and restored.  Today, I choose to believe that was just the beginning.  I experienced a vision.  Today I choose to lay my hand on those things that remain in our home that need to flee and ask God to bring life in them again, and allow love to pour itself in.

 

Yesterday, I asked God to reveal himself more to me.  I was still wanting evidence of His feelings toward me.  And song after song, soaked to the very core of me.  Peace washed over me as love revealed itself.  I saw condemnation and judgment of myself must go so I can receive my God's love fully.  I once again hold out to hope.  I heard a verse yesterday too, one of those familiar verses (written above), but it made me open my Bible and look at the verses that surround it.  And there was His promise and the answer for His love:

 

What can separate us from God's love?  Shall all this stress?  My parenting?  The reality of the death of Duane's job that provides for our needs?  The growing pains our household is under?  The tension between husband and wife as we handle our hardships differently?  The wonder of where we will be in the next few months?  The wonder if I have to leave a job I love so much?  The wonder if we can have the opportunity to be closer to a church we love so much?  The wonder if we can have a brand new start in or out of our home?  The wonder of when complete healing will take place for one of our family member?  The wonder of how unanswered prayers will be answered?  The wonder if God can fix all my mess-ups and make them even better?  And the wonder if we can be one again?  Can the desperation we are in separate us from his love?  Nope.  In spite of all these things, in spite of everything else that may come our way too, God has made us conquerors.  He has made me a conqueror.  Not one thing mentioned, not Satan or the demons that try to stumble me, and even the lifeless curses that come upon me ... not the fear of the future, and all our wonders of things to come, not even in our desperation ... None of this will separate me from the love of God!

 

I'm so loved!  And I'm so thankful I have that to hold onto.  That is enough for me.  Through his love, I can forgive myself.  Through his love, I can walk these struggles.  It is His love that will get me through our desperation ... and actually is the very cry of our desperation. 



 

 

 



A God of Second Chances

"and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5

 



OK Moms, we have all had one of those mornings.  Those mornings that kids aren't doing as they should, making the same wrong decisions...that they should know by now, a pile of things you wake up to that seem you are the only one that can do it.  You know, one of those mornings. 

I had that morning this morning.  One daughter skipped breakfast, while the other didn't take care of the pet.  A heaping pile of receipts needing to be entered in the registry and a house that just seems get messier and messier.  I admit it ... I took the wrong approach.  I blew.  I yelled.  I heard Duane's apology - again.  I was one step out the door, ready to leave it all.  Yeah, all the wrong approach.  I am tired.  We are all emotionally stressed out.  And we are all exhausted.  And to add to it all ... finals week. 

Well, I wanted to run.  I have thought of a plan of leaving and going to a hotel where I can escape it all and get a lot of sleep.  And be surrounded by quiet.  The romantic thought was very enticing, and when I left for work this morning I wondered of how to make it happen with all of today's events taking place ahead of me. 

I left work early for an appointment Katie had.  And a parent's nightmare was coming true.  I received a text from Katie stating:  "We are in a lock down.  It is the real thing this time." 

Shock.  Disbelief.  Fear.  Panic.  They all took place.

And in the moments that followed I remembered how I greeted them this morning.  I remembered that I didn't hug or kiss them.  I questioned if they knew my love for them.  And I pleaded to God to give me another chance.

The lock down, turned to be a lock out; meaning that the issue was on the outside of the school....where I was headed.  Things turned around.  Katie was the only one who had contact with me, and she knew that their was a gunman running around in our neighborhood.  Now she feared what I was going home to, and if anyone was going to run to our home. 

Our minds have such a way of imagination.  Perhaps that is what God means, when he says to "take every thought captive".  Don't let us imagine, let us pray, let our thoughts be the very thoughts God has, let us be reminded of the God He is and cast out any worse scenarios.  If we know our God we are reminded that it is not in His character and far from His thoughts to go against us.  Bad things happen to good people, but God isn't the One who creates the bad.  It is us that doesn't captivate our thoughts.  There is no reason to imagine the worse.  There is no reason to head down a pathway that is far from the nature of our God.

I don't have to wait until tomorrow for my second chance.  I received it this afternoon.  I have embraced the girls who jumped in my car, and stuck around me a little closer today.  I have loved them with a brand new love.  I'm also thankful to the One who yearns for me to spend time with Him so I can have the opportunity to know Him, and the One who continues to keep our family safe. 

God is Faithful, No Matter What!

If you could see my list of posts, you would see many that have been started, some edited, but none finished.  Thoughts have come and gone, as well as feelings.  I have questioned; "what difference does it make, whether I write or not", and I have had internal pressure of "what in the world do I write about, the stuff we're going through just stinks". 

As Christmas is quickly approaching, so is New Years.  I have grumbled a lot through 2013, yet also in what little wisdom I have I don't want to forget it all either.  Only for the fact, I have to see what God has done through our trials, and what He is going to do to change our "luck". 

It has taken a lot of time, counseling to mourn the loss of a boy we once called our son.  As we have grieved, we have also received a lot of judgment and condemnation.  We have gone through anger as well as hurt, all of which has left us isolated and alone.  As much as we hated being in such quietness, sometimes those places are a great place to be, for God reminds me time and time again that He is the One that is forever faithful and is our Forever Friend.  He never leaves us or forsakes us.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I would be lying if I told you that these emotions are done and over with, we still walk through them.  A matter of fact, today was a day that tears streamed down my cheeks, as I was expressing my concern for the boy we let go of.

We have endured family members expressing how they have been against the whole adoption thing from the beginning.  And even though just writing those words sting, it is a reminder of how powerful our words are.  We have the power to bless and curse those around us.  I've tried to watch my words more these days, but I still need to grow in this area.  I definitely want to bless those I love, and even those I don't know.  God calls us to love one another.  Love is more than kindness and that fuzzy feeling.  It is support, understanding and walking with one another.  I have so much more loving to do ... I admit sometimes it is hard, but I want to master this command.

I have dealt with many health issues.  Nothing real serious, but a lot of time and money spent at the doctor's office.  It is amazing what an abundance of stress can do to one's body.  I even made a "splash", shall we say when I ended up on the floor at work, as I fainted.  Thankful not only for caring co-workers, but also an off duty fireman who was eating his breakfast at our store that day.  And that episode gave me the rest of the week off.  I've been learning how to eat, or rather, what to eat all over again.  I'm just starting to get the hang of it.  I've lost some weight, with the new diet, and look forward to loosing more!  God is our healer, and with a change of diet and time with Him, things are way under control.

A few years ago we learned how Courtney was allergic to sugar and honey.  We have managed to stay away from the honey, the sugar was always the battle.  She didn't want to feel "different" when in school.  Well, we finally decided to take it seriously, to Courtney's leading.  So she and I have been sugar-free since August.  The results:  no stomach issues!  She and I feel so much healthier.  God has shown me how I have been so addicted to sugar, and how much I don't need it ... but so need Him.  I haven't desired to go off this sugar-free and gluten-free (just me) diet, because I don't want anything to pull me away from Him.

We have had some challenges in parenting.  Out of respect of my family, the details can remain quiet.  I can just share though, I have never relied on God as much as I have lately.  I have questioned everything I've done.  And see that I'm so little, but also see how much bigger He is!  I am reminded of Proverbs 22:6:  "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  I wasn't and currently am not the best parent in the world, but I have given it my best...my full heart was in it.  Now I hold onto God's promise in this verse, that He will bring each of my girls back to him and his ways.  Truth is in them, good is in them as well as love...they won't go away from it.  Parenting isn't easy, is it?  I don't think I make things easier on God either.  Not only do I have to learn to parent, but also be a better child to the King of Kings! 

Rumor has it, that Duane will be looking for a new job at the beginning of next year.  I admit that I was so fretful and worried over this.  However, once I remembered how God has gotten through each job change, God has given something bigger and better to us.  And with that I have swallowed hard, and told Duane to go ahead and look for a job - even outside of Colorado.  Ever since I released it, we have had peace ever since.  So much peace that I don't think we will be moving, and I'll even be so bold to say that Duane won't be needing to look for a job.  However, even if I'm wrong, I know God always gives us something better.  It is hard to imagine life better than Colorado, but if He moves us it will be better. 

We have lost some pets this year, and the soothing comfort they once brought, was gone when they left.  However, God has restored our joy and brought us a new kitten in our lives.  We all laugh almost daily for something she has done.  She is a great gift in a year of strife. 

Church has always been our home and family.  We were part of a church plant for a year, that was a hour away - door to door.  God has made it clear to me over and over, with a full burden in my heart to be part of our community.  I have enjoyed getting to know some of my "neighbors" at my workplace, but it still wasn't enough.  We attended another church, but it was too a half hour away...not the community where we live.  So we went back to the drawing board.  We had a frequent guest in our restaurant who was a youth pastor.  One thing led to another, and Katie and Courtney started at the youth group.  Shortly after, we started attending the church finding ... we LOVE it and being part of our community.  We are in the process of having a small group in our home, and Katie is heading to the Bahamas for a mission trip.  Life is opening up as we continue in what we are calling our new home and family.

My work continues to do well.  I'm getting to know our guests more and more each week, and am blessed to have so many friends.  I call everyone my "favorite", and each one encourages me more than they know.  Which is a reminder of how we don't always know how much we influence one another ... those we know, or those we don't.  I want to be a source of encouragement to all I meet each day. 

Courtney had another mole removed, which ended up precancerous again.  So she will permanently have dermatology appointments twice a year, instead of the year appointments she worked up to.  I'm thankful God reveals truth - even at the doctor's office and catches everything that needs to go.  As I write this I wonder if there is anything in my life at all that needs to be revealed and needs to go.  He is faithful and will do so if needed. 

I'm home schooling Courtney now...well, part-time.  Three subjects, soon to be four.  I will be thankful when this will be done, but thankful it is an option to be able to let Courtney accomplish all the classes she needs.  But it keeps me busy.  And now with Christmas approaching, finals in high-school and more busyness at the store, we're a bit behind.  But thankfully for a Christmas break that will get us caught up.

So yes, we have been enduring some lengthy and emotional hardships, God has remained faithful in 2013, as well as whatever is ahead.  We're ready for a change of "scenery" and hopeful new things are coming for the Archibald family in 2014. Even if not, we have learned to hold God's hand a little tighter these years.  And thankful for God who sees all.  He sees each tear, each hurt, each challenge we walk through ... he sees the heart behind it all.  And holds us closer than ever.  For Him, I am thankful. 

3Gs!

It always amazes me with the world of technology and I admit; that I too like to indulge into a little piece of cyber space.  Technology is planning to release the next greatest thing: 5Gs(although that statement could be outdated the moment I post this).  And even though they are finalizing and mastering the 5G, it is only the stepping stone of getting to the era of a much bigger world that I can't even fathom; but they do.  I just stand amazed as people have the creativity to dream bigger and bigger, and continue to achieve those dreams.  I admire them as they celebrate their accomplishments, for they have much reason to celebrate.

I too have lived dreaming bigger and bigger.  I have achieved my dreams, have built stepping stones along the way, but I don't think I have celebrated each of them.

As funny as it sounds, we're still adjusting to what has always been our norm.  It has been a little over a month since our son has been removed from our home, and we're still adjusting to things as they were before.  I still fumble when asked "how many in your party?" as we dine out.  And it isn't only because our son is gone, but now with our oldest being partially gone as well. 

There isn't a day that doesn't go by, when I'm not wondering about our son.  He's always in our heart, and now I see he always will be. 

I now look at our family.  We are currently adjusting rooms once again, giving everyone their own space decorated in their own personality.  As we started this process, I was allowing the practicality rule me.  But truth is, seeing the evidence of a room that has stood empty as it waited for a Liberian boy to come, and then what was once filled with a beautiful and broken 10 year old was more than I could stand to see anymore.  It was time to reclaim what was ours...and it took having a broken dream to see what was before me.  And as we recover, and as we decorate the rooms to fit their own personalities, it is given me a way to recover from a painful loss and actually celebrate the individuals in the family we have.  

Last night we were able to go to the drive-in movies with two of our girls, and it was a moment I was able to embrace.  I admit that as we drove there, I thought of our son:  how he would have enjoyed this night, and the plans we made months ago of seeing this movie together.  But as the four of us huddled and cuddled in the back of our SUV as we watched the movie, I realized "this was good". 

And that is when I realized I live in a 3G world. And it is ok!  Our 3G are our three girls:  Lindsay, who is more out of the house than in these days as she is finding strength in spreading her wings.  Katie, our strong leader with a compassionate spirit.  And Courtney who is our glue of the family that keeps us all in tact. 

I was shown last night as we watched the movie how technology is always looking more into the future...3D movies, more G's in our laptops and cell phones, more computer capabilities and the list goes on.  I too lived in the mindset of seeing more.  But now I see what I have and find contentment in lives worth celebrating.  A world that is enough for me.  One full of joy, silliness and heart.  One I can relate to more than any other and one that was built just for me. 

So as the world shows me their new gizmos, the next bigger and better thing.  I refuse to fall into that trap and choose to look into the beautiful faces I see looking back at me and be thankful for the world I have to live.  It is the biggest and best thing I know. 

Bittersweet

I guess I need to face the music sometime.  In all honesty, there are things in one's life that are frankly - none of everyone's business.  However, being that I allowed you to enter into our lives and know about the adventure, it's be fair for you to know where the adventure has taken us.

Not all stories are fairy book endings.  Not all stories are happy ever ending.  And this would be one of them.

RAD.  The devil's foothold, I believe.  RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I don't believe in labels, but sometimes one must label in order to know what others are up against.  RAD is what we were dealing with.  No matter what kind of love and care we poured into our son, it wouldn't be received, only rejected.  But it wasn't just about not receiving all that was given to him. 

With RAD comes a huge defiance, and much manipulation.  And with RAD came broken boundaries for our biological daughters.  Trust was broken each day, and not giving us much to stand on.

And without writing the many reasons we came to our decision, we spent many hours on our knees in prayer.  And we had to make the decision to protect the children God has already blessed us with.  And our son had to make the decision as well.  And with our answers ... our son is no longer.  A month ago he was removed, and his adventure in life continues.

I don't regret what we did.  I know that our son came to know Christ in the short five months he was with us.  He learned that life isn't just about receiving privileges, but one must earn them.  And unfortunately, our son will see in his next placement that things in this home weren't bad.  But it takes him to be moved from here to see what he had.  And we believe his next placement will be successful.

And even in this sorrow we have experienced, we have experienced God and learned more of Him and his gentle loving character He is. 

I walked away from Him, when all this was said and done.  I mean, how could ANYONE love me for rejecting a 10 year old boy.  For not accepting ALL of him, and putting my teenage daughters first.  A lot of that was the judgment we were under from countless of sources, but it grabbed a hold of me something fierce just the same.  How could God love me?  I had to of let me down, and turned to be his greatest disappointment.

My husband leaned over me at church a week ago and prayed.  RAD ... it had a hold of me.  Manipulation, defiance, broken boundaries ... all causing me to reject my Father's love.  And I realized how much I was pushing the goodness of God away, instead of receiving the goodness He has given me from the time of birth until now. 

So now we enter a season back to having a family of five - three teenage girls, a husband and myself.  And I have to say - it is all good.  It is good, because I have received these five lives as one of the greatest gifts my God has given me.  I am in a new season of recognizing the goodness of my Savior and receiving ALL he has to offer.  And I stand on His promise that he'll make even our son's life good too. Because I stand on the knowledge God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!

My Conviction

Duane and I have been walking this adoption journey for the past four months, and continue to walk through this fire.  I don't know if I could capture the hardship of the journey.  But for one, life doesn't stop just because there is a new child in our home.  Pets have died.  Pets have had to go.  What was normal, isn't normal anymore, and we can't seem to even find what normal is.  Work demands have become greater.  Financial burdens are heavier.  And in the midst of trying to stop time and turn a child's thinking into truth, the expectations of school, county and councilors are demanding.  The stress has taken its toll on all our relationships including our marriage, and even my health. 

It wasn't until today to told the school "no".  "No" to the book report that is due in a week.  "What?", you may say.  Let me tell you.  Our son is extremely behind in school.  And what the school sees, is "lets fix it".  One teachers fix-it ways, is not the others.  So we have had several teachers and professionals throw their opinions our way, giving us the brunt work to do, threw all their confusion.  However, I'm reminded, that they are fixing the symptoms not the wound. 

Our son has gone through so much trauma in his life.  And if you look into trauma and the affects of it, you'll see that there is actual, physical brain damage.  And the affects of the damage, and the many losses in his life are the results of what you see.  Cognitive issues, attachment and trust issues, fear, worry, academic struggles and the list goes on. 

If I was pregnant, and birthed our son life would be so much different.  Not only would we have nine months to prepare for the child that is coming our way, but we would have had a little idea as to what to expect from the models that were before him.  And we would have already had some sort of bonding.  If my son was birthed, I would have nursed him, and cuddled with him and would have proven to him that I was trustworthy; as I would feed him when he was hungry, change his pants when they were wet and messy, and give him warmth when he was cold.  His world would have a total different look.  And if I would have birthed my son, I would have had about five years of bonding with him before I sent him off to school.  And when my son  became a fifth grader, he wouldn't be far behind or at least because of his environment he was raised in.  And from my experience with my three biological children, If I had birthed our son, we might have even had a shower to welcome him into this world.

I have finally said "no" to the countless "busy work" of assignments that have come into our home to "try and catch him up", because we still need time bonding, and him learning that he can trust us.  I'm not saying no to everything...just the stuff that is about ready to break us.

Our number one focus right now is trying to bond as a mother and child, father and child, siblings, and a family as a whole.  And unfortunately it takes time ... and life doesn't stop.

What is frustrating for us too, is that we look at him as a ten year old boy.  I should be able to set a knife by his plate.  But I forget that I can't when I see him cutting something on the table.  No one has taught him how to properly cut his food. 

I forget that when I send what I see as a ten year old boy up to take a shower and he comes down all wet, complaining that the hot water is "broken" after his 45 minute shower, finding he never soaped up or washed his hair we remember we put too high of an expectation on him.  And now Duane has to spend a week teaching him how to shower.

And we haven't even talked about his social graces.  He could say something that is so untrue, but he believes it as true, and no matter how many times you argue with him, he is going to believe what he knows as true...after all, all adults have lied to him, why would we be any different.  And what about the times he just says something that just puts a knife through your heart.  Not because he wants to hurt me...but because he has never been taught to think of others.  He has had to learn to defend himself in order to survive. 

And we are doing this alone. 

Remember, if he was birthed...I would have had a shower?  I'm not looking for things.  But I'm looking for support, and even a friend to talk to and have tea with.  Someone who could listen, empathize and definitely not fix our life.  And someone who could bring me laughter! 

We came from a church who supported adoption.  We also came from churches that support us.  And right now, at this very moment I stand confused.  Please let me explain.

I have heard countless times "I will pray for you", "praying" and "God will see you through this".  But truthfully I don't want more prayers...I want help!

I have those rare comments that come our way that tell me:  "how can I help you?"  or "if you ever need a babysitter."  And I've called those comments out, only to find them invalid.  Right now, to be involved in our lives would be extremely messy.  We, even as Christians, don't want messy.  ME included!  To be wrapped in our life, we would need for you to take a background check to be able to watch our son for a day or two so we could rest.  It might take just coming over and listening to us, and walking through our struggles.  It would take a whole lot of time.  And it may even take building a relationship with my girls, who are now questioning their own faith.  But like I said it would be messy.

And we, in our society of busyness don't have time to get involved.  We talk the talk, but instead we just stand from the sidelines to watch those who are called....and we sometimes pray. 

I'm in NO way knocking prayer, I spend a lot of my time on my knees.  However, I just took a few moments and looked through the book of Matthew and saw Jesus doing a whole lot of doing.  Healing, even willing to go out of his way to heal, talking to those who need encouragement, allowing children to come into his lap.  He often spent his time speaking to those who were forgotten and set aside, and reaching out to them.  A matter-of-fact, wherever he was, I see in the scriptures that Jesus saw everyone who was in that scene...I really don't think anyone was overlooked.  He took his rest when needed too.  And called out to God when he was emotionally drained.  And I have to believe that if he was walking this earth, he'd not only come and heal our son and baby-sit him to give us rest....but he'd reach into your world and meet your needs too.

And through our journey I have seen how I have fallen short.  I have seen how I have not been willing to get messy with the lady in my church who needed a meal, because of the physical distance that put me out of my way.  It was out of my way and would make me late to give the man on the street corner a warm cup of coffee and any source of encouragement. I didn't want to babysit for my neighbor as getting involved with down syndrome is not my thing.  God has put people in my path that I was to be Jesus to, and I wasn't.  In spite of my current exhaustion...I want to be Jesus.  I'm seeing so many of us doing life alone, and I am reminded in scriptures we weren't created to do life that way.  We were created to praise God, depend on Him, and build each other up.

Life was meant to be together.  Isolation is not from God.  And if I feel alone, or if you feel alone something is wrong. 

So I challenge you.  What is the cry of your neighbor?  What is your co-worker struggling with?  Who is sitting in your pew at church that needs a friend because their spouse just left them?  Who is God calling you to? 

I know, that my eyes and ears are going to be opened a lot this week.  I may be exhausted, and I may need Jesus myself but I want to be Jesus ... and a whole lot messier!

The Treasure of Jesus, and We are the Key.

It was during the end of Lent season that our son started asking us questions.  He came up to me when I was standing at the fireplace and he told me "Jesus is dead.".  I told him, "no, Jesus is alive.".  We continued to have this little debate, and he was adamant about Jesus being dead.  I finally told him:  "Well, it is in your Bible".  He challenged me:  "Prove it!".  And I did.

A whole new world opened for him and me that day. 

You have to understand something else about our son.  Even though he is in fifth grade, he is at about a 1st/2nd grade reading level.  He struggles with hearing the phonics of reading and he was never given the foundation we all take for granted.  You also have to know that he received a Bible at a church camp a couple years back, and carries it around.  He chooses it over other Bibles I have given him that are his reading level.  And you have to know our son has dealt with trauma, and longs to just know the truth.

Our son came down with Bible in hand, I was able to turn right to the Easter story and read it off the Bible he has treasured so much.  I saw something new and I was astonished. 

This treasure that our son has had in his hands for years was never unlocked to him because of illiteracy, the ripped and tattered pages were now a new found treasure, and we were the key to help unlock it.  It was truth that I have never seen before...no betrayal, no lies but everything was set right before him.  And now all his answers were just words away.

And the questions began.  We sat and read the Easter story.  We pulled out our Resurrection Eggs and another book that helped explain the beauty of Jesus and what he did at a child's level.  Everything was new this year.  So many questions and so many answers.

We decided to attend our Easter service on Sunday morning, not at the Saturday night service we normally attend.  And we decided to go to the church plant we have called home for the past several months.  So because of our decision we watched our previous church online, and our son saw several people come forward.  He questioned about it.  And I explained in a simple way, how all those people decided to believe in Jesus and the Easter story and accept it as truth in their hearts. 

I had a thought wouldn't it be nice if our son would accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior on Easter Sunday.  But as quick as that thought came, I pushed it aside.  I said "No, I'm not going to force the issue.  What happens, happens.  I don't need to be involved, for it has to be meaningful for the one who receives and the One who gives."

Easter Sunday came.  We celebrated.  We rejoiced.  We bonded that Easter morning.  Our son decided to sit with us during church, and as the sermon was preached he asked for help to find the verses the pastor was referring to in the Bible.  And then that moment came.  The pastor asked if those who want a relationship with Jesus who never had one before would raise their hands.  And as our heads were bowed, and I had my arm draped around our son, I felt something flying in my face ....

my son's hand.  I looked at him, in bewilderment and he told me "I have never done it before".  I looked at Duane, he looked at me and the tears began. 

My son has taught me so much.  I have taken for granted the treasure I have always had access to, and have even allowed to collect dust now and then.  I
have seen a heart that was hungry, a heart that has been lied to and betrayed long for the truth, and we were the key to unlocking that truth.  I have learned that as much as he needs us...we need him.  Jesus is the center of our relationship.

And now is the center of our son's heart.