Our Journey

I have been looking at this blog for sometime now...wondering 1. what to write 2. how vulnerable do I make myself, and 3. what is it God wants me to say. I still look at this now empty space as I am writing how do I even begin to share what is so heavy on my heart with you. I would love to hide behind the excuse of "writer's block" or even the discouragement of comments I have received from unwanted solicitors for things inappropriate, but truthfully I just don't want to be "real" with you, as I try to be. Yet why have I avoided you ...

My pride. I have a fear of and not wanting to be wrong, foolish, fear of failing or even being or doing something stupid in front of you and everyone else. I like you thinking "she knows what she is doing, she seems to have it all together". But can I be honest with you? I don't! I make mistakes and fall everyday.

Our mission trip. I don't think it is going to happen as we have planned. What once was what we thought was God's direction is now uncertainty. God has not supplied the money needed, so we do know we aren't going anytime soon. We have raised the amount needed to provide for the orphans so we will give that money to Addy's Hope. It is still our desire to go to Africa, so we will continue to put nickles and dimes aside. I have to say "I don't know" what will happen, nor when. I stumble myself as I wonder ... is this our selfish desire or is this God? We rest on the fact...God puts the desires in our hearts.

Our adoption of Elijah and Ruth, otherwise known as the "elephant in the room". It was a few weeks ago, we received another email from our agency, with again, not so positive news. There is always something happening, something needed and something to do. Perhaps it is this time of the year, or because I have the mom-thing full force right now ... but whatever it is or wasn't...I reached my breaking point. I sat Duane down and said "I just can't do this anymore". God has told me to live in the present, and I can't find the presence when I'm constantly reminded of the past and waiting for the future. In my tears, Duane saw the desperation, the tiredness and the anguish of it all so he brought us to God. In our human hands, we confessed our tiredness, weakness and confusion with it all and how He has to take the reigns. If this is His desire He has to bring them home ... for we just can't anymore. We also confessed we should have never had the reigns in the first place.

I don't believe in coincidences. Our agency has asked us to contact our congressmen and representatives months ago. It has been 8 months ago when we started contacting them via: email and phone calls. Each call, each email had the same response ... "we are glad you contacted us, and we will be happy to get back to you within 48 hours", only to receive no response. After we surrendered things to God, we received a phone call from our congresswoman the next day. She is now doing some research and seeing what help she can provide us.

I don't know where this is going to lead. I remain always in hope - for mine remains in Christ, and no where else. However, I know I am in that place where I am starting to live again. I am enjoying the pleasures of a Godly man, and finding contentment with the beautiful girls we have. I am trying to take each step the way God would have me to go. I confess my mind stumbles in "being wrong", or even wondering if I chose a journey that God didn't ordain. But I know God makes ALL things good. I know I can't live in the past as God has reminded me by tripping myself up whether this was right or wrong, good or bad, of God or of self. I have to just simply live. Now I am allowing God to restore and fill those places that have been empty for so long. I am amazed of the restoration and new passion of love God has placed in Duane and my hearts for one another. I am weary and thankful for the emotions of teenage girls, and have found new strength as I guide their young hearts. Part of living too, is taking down what has become a "shrine" (as Duane has called Elijah's room) and allowing the girls to once again have their own rooms. When we know with our full hearts where and what we are suppose to do ... it is then we will act accordingly, until then we will simply live.

Pride. It has stumbled me. It has lead me in the wrong direction. It has kept my heart fully away from Him as well as relationships with others. But when I remove my pride, I find God holding me in His love. And that is where I am today.