Jonah … Or Rather … Karen

I have been laying low this week.  I have noticed that a bitterness that has taken over my soul, and am wise enough to know that I shouldn't be around people and affect them with my negativeness.  And I also know full well that there is only One who can remove such bitterness.  So this week I have been seeking.

My youngest came to me.  She is struggling with a reoccurring area in her life.  As she shared, I was able to discern that there was some lie she has bought into that she needs to shake off.  I was able to discern because I was dealing with the same thing … different lie, but a lie.

Today I felt a tug to enjoy a good story … Jonah.  I have always prided myself that I would go wherever God would have me go.  I'm a woman of obedience, but am I?

God sent Jonah.  He didn't want to go and ran.  But even in his disobedience those around him came to recognize how great God is and gave to Him.  God sent a giant fish to swallow Jonah and it was in the belly of the whale that Jonah knew there was only one who could save - and God did.  Jonah went to Nineveh, and spoke over the city.  Countless lives were changed as they turned from their evil ways and God had compassion on them.  Jonah became angry because he knew what kind of a God he served and that the people didn't deserve such graciousness and love. Jonah went off to sulk.  God provided a vine, which made Jonah happy and then God provided a worm to destroy it.  Jonah was so miserable from the heat and wind that he just wanted to die, and God reminded Jonah of who He was.

God sent me from Colorado to California a little over three years ago.  I didn't want to go, but I didn't run from it - at least physically.  I obeyed - physically, but emotionally I wasn't going to forgive God for tearing our family apart.  I resented Him.  And for the last three years I have been in the belly of the whale … misery from bills, a dysfunctional house, unrest in relationships, health issues
and lack of peace.  I have finally recognized fully of the God that saves, and that can save me and this week God has spit me out …. in Concord, California.  I can't say that countless lives have been changed because of where I have spoken over them, but I can say that I have developed countless relationships that have come out of the crevices of places these past couple of days.  God has compassion on them, and I have the privilege of not only having these people in my lives but I get to pray over them too.  God had compassion on them, as He has for me.  I still have held onto that seed of bitterness and have sulked that God didn't quite understand the fullness of how He affected me.  He provided a home that I have become accustomed to, and see so much potential in.  And it was less than 24 hours ago, I questioned if we would still have it, as we were uncertain of Duane's employment once again.  And it was in the conversation I had with my daughter, I am reminded of the God I have, and that He sees way more than I.

Oh Jonah … Oh Karen!


I read something yesterday; "interesting fact:  people over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter".  Now first let me let the world know … I'm not 50 yet!  However, the warning is just the same.  I remember my grandfather.  He loved me.  Yet, to be honest with my readers …. he was grumpy.  He always had reason to be grumpy.  He had an opinion about everything and judgment just the same.  He had a the brow of anger, and the tone in his voice just the same.  He lost his dislike for bitterness and it turned into a grumpy and a grouchy mess.  And unfortunately he'll have that remembrance.  I was heading toward the same direction.  But was wise enough to see there was a taste I didn't want to get accustomed to …. and I sought the truth.

I have believed a lie that "I get what I deserve".  So with that lie, comes the thought … I deserve to be away from my babies.  I deserve to have a broken family with miles apart.  I deserve this disruption in my life.  I deserve my lack of identity … because of another lie "I'm not good enough".  I never realized until yesterday the depth of these lies and their hold on me.  But enough is enough.  God has allowed me to recognize and today I am set free.

It wasn't about the move to California.  It wasn't about the goodness that God has displayed on me.  It wasn't even about the lies that kept me bound.  It was about me obeying God full heartily and full heartily trusting Him.  Not just trusting Him with my babies, but trusting Him that He saw something more.  Trusting Him that He will plant me and for me to be ready for whatever is to come my way.  Trusting Him with ALL that I am and ALL that I have.  Trusting Him with my identity.  It was about God breaking me free.

So today I sit in the solitude of our home, letting those things that are nagging attention to just wait.  I hear the promises, truth and prayers of the music surround me and let it carry my spirit.  And today I am ready to be unlike Jonah and just go full heartily.  I expect the best because I have a God that wants the best for me and those that surround me and have my heartstrings.  I serve a God who sets me free … and will set you free as well.

The Fork In The Road

My heart has been so heavy.  So many decisions to make.  And I'm torn in so many directions.  I have been prompted to write things down and weigh the pros and cons, but I just don't do it.  I have to vocalize my dilemmas but yet there isn't anyone to really hear me out.  Don't get me wrong … God's ears must be pretty soar right now.  I keep hearing from my close ones how God will show me.  I trust that statement to be true, because I trust my God to hold onto His promises.  I believe He cares for me and for the choices before me, yet I still don't have my answers and I'm a bit stir crazy with the unknowing.

My career direction is at hand at the moment.  I have a job that I have enjoyed the past six years, yet the joy is lessening the more I stay.  I seem to have more complaints than anything these days.  I have apologized that I just haven't been thankful for the job that I have.  That is wrong.  But it also tells me that it is time for a change.  Part of the issue with my job is the younger generation not understanding my generation, and probably goes the other way too.  The fast pace environment causes me to not be able to embrace the moments, and by the end of the day it is simply just that … another day that has gone.  I feel like I'm missing out in life.  Even though I'm good at my job, I'm also not able to utilize the character within me.  My heart is unable to show, and my mind is having to take over a mile a minute.  I miss getting to know people.  I miss being able to have a moment and see God in the midst of it.  It seems all I'm doing is grasping for God to fix the mess I'm in.  I feel there is more in life.

I have another possibility before me.  I had an interview today.  It was a few weeks ago that I told my husband that I want someone to walk into Chick-fil-A and see the person I am and tell me that they want me.  As I was cleaning out our study and reorganized I ran across a business card (that I thought I had disposed of) and remembered someone already came in months ago and did just that.  I wrote a "remember me" email and inquired if there was anything available.  A few days later I heard back from someone else from the bank about a local position that required 30 hours.  I told them I was interested, but did ask if there was ever a position with less hours as I'm entering a new season in life that requires more attention at home.  A week later I was told about the position I interviewed today for.  And it is a position that is rare … a job share position.  And one that would fit my need for consistency in a schedule, and have hours that would be a match with my husband's schedule.  It is a slower atmosphere and an atmosphere you get to know the people.  Yet, I admit that as much as I want to embrace the moments I also don't want boredom.  There is one concern they possibility is looking into, and that is the time off that is needed at the end of the year, as I wouldn't have earned the time off yet.  I did go into a panic when in the interview questions, I was asked what do I see in the future, how long do I see myself there?

And then there is the simple choice of staying back at home.  I know there are volunteer positions that I'm interested in .. .for example, getting back into CASA.  And being home would allow me to do just that.  But we would be back to a tight budget, which I don't know if I want to do.  My parents are getting to a point that they could use some help more frequently, and I would be available.  And my parents have been without the opportunities of my visit for nine years, and they are enjoying the time I am able to give … and truthfully, I do too.  It seems that all the growing up years and turmoil between parent and child are behind, and I have been able to turn around and appreciate the upbringing I have had and now can see the benefit of their teaching.  Dinner is not often on the table these days because of my schedule and me just being tired from the fast pace of my day, and being in the kitchen embracing that passion of mine (I have forgotten about) would be a welcome to my family.

My mom, with her wisdom tells me to follow my heart.  And today I've been trying to figure just what is in my heart.  I know my family: Duane, the girls and my parents are in the center.  I long to be available to them.  I have seen especially the past couple of months the girls coming to me, and I just stop to help them think of their own hearts.  They seek my council more, and I enjoy being there for them.  I enjoy having dinner on the table, and having our home feel inviting when my husband comes home.  I enjoy going for a visit to my parents and even sneaking a peak and feel of the salt air and the sandy shores.  But in all of this I enjoy spending moments with God, seeking Him, praising Him and embracing Him in the moments of the day.  "Moments" just seem to be a word for me lately.  And I want to embrace as many moments as I can.  I don't want someone else dictating my schedule.  I love sneaking away for a quick lunch and seeing my husband.  I miss walking with him from BART.  I love these kind of moments.  I was talking with one of the girls this past week, who stirred up a desire within.  She encouraged me to write a Bible Study.  She wants to know the God I know, verses the mean and scary God that others know.  She is open for me to share and for her to seek herself.  I want to write … even though I haven't a clue what to write about.

So with all this … my body is just full of the dilemma I'm in.  I see the benefit of each choice I have as I'm at the fork in the road.  And I know that I have to take the council of my mom's advice.  Letting  you listen to me has helped greatly …. thank you!

The Flood

Genesis 6

The Flood

I have been away the past ten days, as I have been working in Colorado.  And in the midst of work I have the privilege and joy to see my girls.  I brought the youngest with me, so it was a real treat for the four of us girls to sit and have dinner ... laugh and have heart to hearts.  Its what I live for, it is my favorite thing.  

I love my husband too.  I knew Colorado wasn't home anymore when I was there, and I longed to be in Duane's arms.  And the moment I stepped off the plane into his arms, it felt right.  This too is my favorite thing.  

Today life goes on ... and it feels like it has forgotten about me.  My girls are in Colorado doing their thing, finding their way in life - very well, I might add, and Duane is off at work doing his thing.  I sit here in the quiet of the house, wondering what my thing is.  And it feels like a flood of emotions are washing over me.  Today is the day I have feared.  It is the day there isn't a box to unpack.  It is the day things are just about settled.  It is the day that is full of quiet.  It is the day I am alone - and I don't know what to do.  

Some may welcome such a day, perhaps others may understand.  But today marks a very important shift in my life ... where I see an empty nest, and the life I once knew is no longer.  "Now what?" rattles in my mind all the way deep to the core of me.  Tears flow so easy.  And a sense of lostness feels like a warm blanket.  

Today I opened my Bible, hoping there was a new light, a new prayer, a new connection with God.  I continue to pray a little whimper just pleading God will help me through this time and comfort me.

"The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.  So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth-men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air-for I am grieved that I have made them.  But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord."

Genesis 6:6-8

I always believed that God and His wrath wiped out the earth.  But today I see it was with great sadness, He was at a loss and was grieving.  

I often sit and wonder if God understands the sorrow I am currently experiencing.  If He thinks it is silly, or unnecessary.  I often wonder what I am to do with the heaviness I experience, and hope that He is there to carry it.  We know God is big enough, but does He understand ... does He get what exactly I am going through.  Today I see the truth.

Now my girls are doing what they are suppose to be doing.  Finding their ways and moving forward in their lives.  They have reached the step that we have dreamed about since they could start dreaming and expressing themselves.  We have arrived.  Yet, now they move forward and I have let go of their hands.  They are walking by themselves.  We aren't connecting at the dinner table anymore, running out the door and shouting where they are off to, coming home at the wee hours of the night and coming into our bedroom expressing their woes of the day.  I don't hear their laughter, nor their tears.  I don't get to see what the details of their days look like anymore.  And with each passing day the phone gets quieter, emails are seldom ... and a matter of fact, it is usually me that reaches out first.  But again, this is normal.  This is what is and what is to be expected.  Yet it saddens me.  

And it saddens God.  It saddens God when we turn ourselves away from Him, doing things on our own.  We think we can go onto the next few steps without His help, guidance or just us "checking in".    We walk by ourselves.  The prayers that were once habits and even rituals are now seldom and far between, God's ears are getting quieter.  The prayer journal that once was filled quickly and fully is becoming slower to fill.  And it is usually God that reaches out first ... but then I can't help but wonder - do I even notice?  

Yes, God sent the flood because wickedness filled the earth.  Our own selfish desires filled the earth.  Our own lusts and ways.  But it is also clear that these things became what filled all of our days, and we turned against God - and just spending time with Him that He so longs for.  

I want to be like Noah!  I want God to find favor in me - I want Him to find me as a righteous woman, blameless and that everyone sees that I walk with God.  (Genesis 6:9)  And even though I'm still experiencing a flood of emotions these days, and seeing the tears fall, I want God to still see me and be pleased.  It is the ultimate cry of my heart.  So today I write, today I sit and take the time in study and learn more of Him, and today I will reach out to Him for help along this transition - and know that His heart totally gets what I'm going through today.  

And may He send a flood today.  He promised us that He will never flood the earth again and destroy it.  But may He send a flood of His presence over me today, and may I have the wisdom to see Him.

Life Is Full Of It's Challenges!

It's been a heck of a time these past couple of years.  Every time I think I have gone through the thick of it, it gets a bit thicker.  Perhaps it is my outlook in life.  Perhaps it is just the season we're in.  Call it what you want, bottom line it has been a hard couple of years.

When Duane lost his job about a year and a half ago, I went into flight or fight mode.  I stepped up my hours at work to bring what little income I could in, and still doing what I already was doing in the ways of home maker.  I tried to be a source of encouragement to my husband, and bring a comfort to my girls.  I can stand where I do today to know that I began to rely on myself more, even though I would say I was relying on God. 

One of my biggest arguments with Duane during this time was my feeling of lack of appreciation, and not being recognized enough for all I was doing.  I felt alone too.  Today I can stand and tell you that because I took the role on that I did, and stood on my own two feet that it was my own doing for the feelings I was enduring. 

When we moved to California, I had arranged for my next source of employment.  I believed God gave me the go ahead and I went ahead.  It brought a long commute, much stress, emotional abuse and much anguish.  Today I stand, unemployed and see that I never asked Him when, and I was so determined that perhaps I didn't hear the correct answer.  My wants outweighed my listening skills.

We left two girls back in Colorado.  I can't tell you the depth of depression I have been in because of that fact.  I hid my feelings through working, focusing on housing and now setting up our home.  As things start resting in place, my heart has been more exposed.  Many tears have been shed.  Much anger has been spewed.  Silence has been heard.   

We had two months to find our home.  We put nine offers and nine different houses in an area that would be closer to Duane's work.  Each one of them was rejected as other offers outbid ours.  We leaned on what we wanted, not on where God was directing us.  I can testify today that I stood on pride to be able to say that I moved out of state, and it eased my pride to say that I was returning  but to a different location.  I was ashamed to come back in the area we left.  But God has a way of humbling us, and it will be on his timetable until we grasp where He wants us.  After three months of temporary housing (AKA:  a hotel), we put our tenth offer in, which was accepted .... back in the hometown we once lived.

Relocation isn't easy as it is, getting Courtney registered for school was a battle of its own.  New laws have been passed, two different states with their own requirements and systems trying to blend together, and a roughness to the school we were assigned to were just some of the battles we were in, as I was dealing with the loss of the other two girls.  I observed I quit parenting all together, as fear of losing the last was quickly approaching as we enrolled her for her senior year.  I had to apologize to Courtney that I stopped being her mommy, and took back that role that I know so well.  

Community has been our word for a few years now.  Community is definently where we live now.  But it is something that we are searching for too.  We walk everywhere now, trying to make our presence known.  We greet our neighbors, and trying to reestablish old friendships.  But it is hard to have been away for nearly a decade and find where we fit in again.  Places have changed, people have changed, society has changed.  Where do we fit with all these changes?  And finding a church home is the key.  We're still looking where that will be.  I know God will bring us to that place, as he has brought us home.  

It has been a rough year and a half.  We have gone through so much, so many feelings, and I can still testify that my feelings are still "raw".  But I have grown.  I have changed.  I have gained many lessons along the way.  I have been humbled, and admit that today even though I can say I have learned much, I can still say I have much more to learn too.  It has been a rough journey ... but it has been all good too!