S-t-r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t-c-h!

That's the word today in my study.  To be stretched.  To make yourself available to God, and to simply say yes.  It is also something that hurts when doing but make
s room for strength and conditioning.  It's a good thing.

The challenging question for me is … where is God stretching me?  I feel like for the first time in a long time, I'm at a place that I'm getting comfortable in.  So why am I not being stretched?  Or am I?  Or greater … uh oh …. am I about to be?

It's not a secret that I am adopted.  I have talked about how emotionally and spiritually impactful that was for me a few times.  It's also not a secret that we have pursued adoption a few times, only to have them fail.  I have worked through all the emotional scaring and impact these have had on me.  I believe I am over it.

Yet, why are these things coming up in my life again?

I don't know.  I am also confident in saying that I have no desire to pursue anymore or have any layers left to work through with my story.  I'm done.  I'm in a good place.  Yet …

I have seen in my previous post of how I was able to connect with someone at a deeper level, reach someone no one else was able to reach.  Today I was able to share with another of how we have something more in common, which has connected us more.  What is God doing with my story?

Today in my study I am reminded of how guarded I am at church.  I have been deeply hurt by "the church" a couple times in my life.  I have been thrown down and trampled.  I have received judgment instead of compassion and love.  Fingers have been pointed and I have been shunned.  And just writing these words, I see Jesus carrying his cross and being treated the same.

Why are we so hard on one another?  Why do we allow our hurts to hurt others … or in my case, keep a wall up and guard myself.  Because we are all broken.   And just like broken glass, some pieces can be a little more sharper than others.

I have forgiven those who have offended me.  I've worked past that.  But can I allow the walls to come down and allow others to come into my life at a deeper level?  Can I take a risk with a possibility of backs to be turned my way?  Can I risk those getting to know the intimate side of me and use it against me?

One of my favorite shows was Fixer Upper.  Chip would make it clear that his favorite day was "demo day".  In order to make room for the vision, the newness, the open floor plan, and organized beauty he had to tear down and demolish the walls.  He had to get rid of the old to make room for the new.  The house couldn't grow and accomplish what was to come if the old was still there.

Karen's Demo Day … it's how I'm being stretched.  I have to demolish the walls that are holding the vision God has for me, the newness and open floor plan God has created in me.  I have to get rid of the old to make room for the new and destroy those walls.

The question is this … who is swinging their sledgehammer with me?

The Last Grains of Sand in the Hour Glass

We had to write our goals for the coming year at work; both business and personal.  (I think I should add blogging, I love to write and get my thoughts cleared on "paper"!)  I wrote my list, then I'd add to it, so I'd reprint it one more time. 

I'm anticipating so much this year.  It is funny once those goals are written down, it becomes more of a reality, something to work toward.  I'm sure that it was the company's ploy as they will see much improvement in their employees, as well as improvement in their store.  But it has changed how I manage my time.

I confess I can be a workaholic.  There is something always that needs to be done, and I have this mind set there, as well as home, that "I'm the only person who'll do it".  And with that mindset I spend a lot of time at the store, even more than the time sheet says.  Don't get me wrong.  The other thing I battle is frankly I love my job and its atmosphere.  I love the guests and building relationships.  They encourage me as much as I try to encourage them.  That love will pull me back in as well.

But when I look at my goal list, I see at the very top of the list is:  Not to miss an opportunity to embrace a moment with my girls. 

Katie has 1 1/2 years left in high school, and how she turns 18 this year, and Courtney has 2 1/2 years and turns 16 years old.  I see the hour glass with just a few grains of sand in it.  My time is running out with them. 

I have learned through Lindsay how being an "adult" looks like.  Real responsibilities come.  Time is of the essence.  We compete with boys, school, friends and work.  Home is viewed as something that will always be there, but not something to be part of as much.  We rejoice in her accomplishments from afar and remain on our knees for the challenges that are ahead for her.  She walks this path without her parents holding her hands, and we hope we said all the right words to her in the earlier years to help her through.  She does her thing, as we do ours.    

Pretty soon, Katie will be there.

Then Courtney.

Then life is completely different from the one I have dreamt of, and that is so much apart of who I am.  It is scary to think of life being different.  It brings me so much sorrow as I think of life being so drastically different.  I have been looking at pictures of when our family was young a lot, and wishing I could turn back and hold them more.  I look back wishing I put the chore I was so focused on getting done, and hold or play with my girls one more time.   

We get several emails a day from colleges wanting Katie.  There seems to be a power that rises in me when I hit that delete button, and something inside of me says "No!  You can't have her yet!". 

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I dreamt of the babies to hold, and little ones to care for.  I didn't think of the difficulties of the teenage years, but planned for the years ahead just the same. 

I think of how many times I fell down on bended knee praying for God to give me wisdom and give me the right words to say to help teach them.  Or the strength to get through temper tantrums.  I wondered if they would ever be out of diapers.  I prayed for my girls as they journeyed through school and discovered challenges along the way.  I pleaded to draw them back to me when they journeyed onto independence.  And I will continue to repeat those same prayers as they each go onto their next adventure - even though the giggles won't be heard on the other side of these walls.  Space will separate us.  But my love will be all over them - even though I won't be near to hold them.

And in all this dread of the years ahead, and the sting of sorrow, I choose to be thankful. 

I'm thankful to you God, for the years in the past.  I'm thankful for giving me the dream to be a mom, and fulfilling that dream.  I'm thankful for the list of goals we had to do, so I can turn away from my job more and turn toward these girls before they are off to their next adventure.  I'm thankful that you have given me strength when needed, and thankful you'll continue to give me strength in the years to come.  And I'm thankful that you hold me more and more each day, as I let go of these girls one by one.  I welcome your embrace.

So yes, I have turned away from my job little by little, and embrace those moments of hearing about their days as they come home from school, playing games in spite of the hour or day it is and I will crawl in their rooms at night, as they sleep and hold them a little while longer.