Do You See Me?

I was cleaning once again.  I had an old study from Beth Moore in the background.  In the midst of being lost and the loneliness I have been in, I asked God … "Do you see me still?".  A smile was there with a promise, that He did.  I continued to clean.

Knowing you aren't alone is what each person needs in this life.  Those who end their lives because they are alone, never knew and truly believed that they aren't.  The One that created the very intimate crevices of their heart with such intent is the One that will never leave.  

I am thankful that the Creator of my Soul wants to be with me … even in the grime and filth.  He still smiles when He sees me.

And He still smiles when He sees you.  He created you with purpose.  And because He is the creator, no matter what you do, no matter how dirty you become in your work and play … He is God and His intention will win out.  No matter what you think.  He wins.  He is above it all.  

I sat last night looking at an emblem.  What I saw was God confined.  And saw the untruth in it.  But I did see the truth that we as humans have a tendency to think "Oh God must think I messed up so much, He can't still love me … " or "Oh I could never be accepted by God"… "only good people, He is pleased with" … and the thoughts continue.  LIES!  As I daydreamed looking at that emblem, I saw the truth of God rising above it all … God is everything.  God takes us dirty and makes us clean. God is not limited.  God takes all your thoughts and feelings of unworth and will show you … you are worth EVERYTHING to him.  

Hold on.  Hold onto a God that is bigger than you can imagine.  Hold on.  Grasp his little pinkie and He'll show you the rest.  He loves you.  He made you.  He loves what He created.  You aren't bigger than Him and can't mess it up.  Hold on.  

You are loved.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am wonderful, I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

What now?

In all honesty, I have been in a rut lately.  I have wondered as to why we had to move back to California.  Things at work seem to be just not exciting and meaningful as it once was.  Girls are pretty much grown and the needs of mom aren't as it once was.  House is clean now, and I just keep cleaning as my schedule allows now - and that allows my mind to go wild.  I'm constantly searching as to "what's next", and it is almost like the childhood inquisitive mind of "what am I going to be when I grow up" has heightened and I'm still searching.

When it comes to relationships, I'm feeling alone.  Close friends I have are busy in their set careers and ministries.  Extended family has learned to do life without us when we lived far away, and bringing us back into the circle just seems unnatural.  Close family are learning to do what life brings them, and I am brought into the circumstances but part of who I am sill gets lost and not understood.  Church family doesn't feel like family at all.  People stay with the people they know, and don't want people to know their business.  So the "hi" and a smile is all that we seem to get on a Sunday.  Duane has his job, and is pretty much spent when he gets home.  I am just watching and wondering where is my place and part in this world.

I don't know if I shared, but a long time ago as I sat in my chair where I would have time with God, He told me to go and get a job at Chick-fil-A.  I didn't understand it then, and actually laughed at him and explained to him … "I'm better than a job at Chick-fil-A".  The command never changed.  I got the job, and I remember when I received the call and how joyous I was.  I started in the kitchen, and it had its toll on me.  When the new owner came in about six months later, he actually saw me in the quick few minutes we talked and brought me from the back of the house to the very front.  I remember the first day I was so nervous, but willing.  In what became years, I developed many relationships with the guests that came through the doors at Chick-fil-A.  Relationships that are still part of me today and relationships that I treasure.  I had guests pray over me, gift me with 'thinking of you' tokens and blessed me with who they were each and everyday.  On the days I was tired and didn't want to work, I would drive in and think "who am I going to see today", and it would change my heart and fill it with excitement.  I loved my job.  It was my ticket to be part of my community and know my town.  I was part of not a restaurant, but part of a community.

Chick-fil-A now is different since the move.  We aren't part of a small community.  We are a much higher volume store.  California is coming and going and always on the move, and relationships aren't developed like I once knew.  Guests seem more grumpier.  The role of my position is different.  I get to be part of the team more and develop a relationship with them.  But lets face it, the average age of the employees, are my girl's age.  So I'm known as "mom", and thankful for that, but also know the relationships go so far.  And with the average age comes much more drama.  Lately, it is clear I'm unliked more than liked.  Like most, I don't like being in environments I'm unwanted in and disliked.  There isn't the relationships I once had to brighten my day, and I just feel … lost.

Lost.  Alone.  Confused.

I have been prompted to write during those time I come to God.  And so I am.  We'll see what comes out of it.  After all, the same God who sent me to a restaurant that was "beneath me" and put me in a place of relationships and being part of my community, is the same today.  He makes something out of nothing.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Matthew 28:20

What if?

Out of no where, our family has been hit. I don't want to give any recognition in the thief who came to steal and destroy, but rather confess where I have been.

• I have a way of seeing what is in front of me as truth.
• I still struggle with making a connection in Colorado. It seems to be an ongoing struggle. I have met many people, but still long to have a relationship where I can call to go out for a cup of coffee or go shopping with, or better yet - they call me. I allowed jealousy and envy come into our marriage, because of it. I even let confusion come into our family as to where our place of worship should even be. Connection...everyone longs for it, to have identity and be recognized.
• In a matter of a few hours, I was facing some health issues in a routine exam and the health of our youngest was resurfacing once again, which brought on doubt in the decisions we made when she was just three. I even questioned my mothering.
• At that same doctor's visit I was all of a sudden dealing with things I have already dealt with (spiritually) and thought it was all over. I was reminded of my lack of identity and condemned because of it. I was labeled over and over, never seeing one of them coming.

After seeking some prayer, and casting off the enemy's lies, I have come to praise the God I have. Through prayer and praising I am restored. Today I heard two words - what if. I didn't quite understand these words until I stewed over them a while longer as I continued to seek God.

What if ... I saw things beyond what is in front of me, if I saw things through the One who is able?

What if ... I didn't focus on connection, but rather trusted God who moved us here and rested in that?

What if ... I am allowed to experience the loss of connection, the lack of conversation, the fellowship with a friend so I may experience the heart of Gods'?

What if ... I wasn't jealous of Duane's connections and lifestyle, and yet was thankful He has blessed my husband so, and made Duane more connected to his family, and a stronger spirtual leader in our home because of this relocation?

What if ... I wasn't so quick to look elsewhere for connection but stayed where I was and allowed God to connect with me?

What if ... I remained in the peace God gave us many years ago as our daughter was given the right doctors and surgeons and through the decisions we made?

What if ... I sought the Healer who ultimately healed our daughter, and rested in the knowing He could heal her and me again?

What if ... I allowed God to come in and remind me that I am His, and that is my identity?

As I pondered these "what ifs", I found the answer to the question I have been searching for - I would be in the place God wants us all to be in - a place with Him, and a place of praise!

Today I will continue to praise God for He is faithful and true. I praise Him for His provisions and protection. I praise Him for His heart to be a forever best-friend in my life, who is interested in me, caring, compassionate and always ready for a conversation. I praise God for His creation in Duane and our family, and how I can see Him doing good things in each of us. I praise God that He can fix all things, provide all things so I don't have to! I praise God for He can be seen each day. I praise God who heals because of the abundance of love He has for each of us. I praise God for my salvation and His acceptance that I am His. He is worthy of ALL my praise!

Now, if you excuse me... I am going to run to have a cup of hot chocolate and some long awaited conversation with my best-friend!