Rock Bottom

Tonight I put my fingers back on the keyboard and search out my heart, and be as transparent as ever with an audience I don't know … and perhaps an audience that doesn't exist - but the One that I need to start writing to once again.    This is the second night that I just can't sleep … and thoughts continue to run through my mind.  Thoughts of where God has me, thoughts questioning me and challenging me, thoughts that are difficult to share. 

The phrase "rock bottom" comes to my mind.  And I searched as to the meaning of it.  It often is referred to those who have somesort of addiction and they hit their lowest point possible in life and can't get any lower than where they are at due to their illness.  Another definition refers to be in a hopeless or difficult situation which makes you feel very depressed.  

That is where I feel I'm at.  I have hit my rock bottom. 

What do people do when they hit their rock bottom?  The internet suggests: 

1. Let yourself feel.
2. Take the time to reflect.
3. Have faith.
4. Be self-compassionate.
5. Engage in creative outlet.
6. Spend time in nature.
7. Listen to music.
8. Try new things.

And that is where I am at - at least some of them, and am doing it naturally.  I'm finally allowing myself to feel and sort through.  I'm trying to stand on what faith I have and hopefully it will grow through all this.  And as I write to you I hear my "prayer playlist" playing in the background.  

What does all this mean?  What am I getting at? 

No I don't have an addiction.  

But I feel I have hit rock bottom.  Duane and I have been enduing more than our fair share in a short amount of time.  We have pressed through.  And we are surviving.  Which means we are making it through.  Because of the circumstances, we have shared some but unable to share it all.  Our world has made it so we can't.  So we don't.  And many have walked away because the weight of it all is so heavy and frankly it is easier to just walk awy from it all. 

But someone like me … who needs to talk and process things outloud makes it hard to heal - and even hear from God when no one is there to just be a soundboard. 

As we go through the trials we are in, it is all wrapped in a name …that of lonliness.  We have our connections.  But do we have someone to call and talk to?  Do we have someone to hang out with?  Do we have someone to explore with?  Do we have someone to try new things with?  Do we have someone who will hold us accountable and pray with us as we walk the intimacy of these trials?  Not really.  We have held this wrapping for so long … I'm actually done with it.

I have hit my rock bottom. 

The thing about being at your rock bottom is that no one can bring you out of it.  There is only one - and I know Who that is.  I'm thankful that I have never left You far enough that I have to find You.  Or maybe I have. 

I don't know where it started … maybe the stress, the unknowing, the helplessness I have had when my dad was placed in assistant care for his Parkinson's   I honestly have feelings built up in this area that has been shoved in … because well, I have heard it isn't about me.  So I focus on his illness.  I focus on how my mom is handling it all and do whatever I could do to help … always feeling it wasn't enough.  I have focused on my daughters as they haven't dealt with a loss so close - at least one they remember.  

When I would visit my dad, he would mention others and didn't seem to have the same fondness for me as I have for him.  My dad means so much to me … and yet, as he has deteriated over the past year and a half I question as to what I mean to him.  My confidence has waivered. 

His situation only worsened as the world was shut down to the pandemic and then wildfires relocated him - which caused him bed sores so bad, surgery was the only solution.  And yet as I held my breath as I wonder if we would see each other again, he fought through it all.  He has been quarantined twice due to being in contact with those with covid, and just recently with another disease that was running through the facility.  And everytime he remains unaffected physically.  Yet he questions why we don't visit, and thinks we have moved on without him, and wonders about the love that covers him from his family.  His love for his wife runs deep.  Deeper than I have ever experienced.  I am grateful to see, and honored for the foundation I was built upon.  Yet, my confidence of his love for me continues to waiver. 

My heart feels lost.  I don't know how to show or express my love to him.  I want him to know how much I adore him.  Now today his mind is away - and I don't know where I am in his picture.  And it scares me.  It hurts.  And causes a lonliness that can't even be described.  

My mom started having some accidental falls after she had her knee replacement.  Concern filled my heart and I have tried to take the responsibility a child should offer ones parents.  My job had it's own demands and made me not the "best daughter" in the world, but I tried to make that 2 hour drive at least once a week.  It was at the very end of April that I heard of a bad fall that caused her to break her arm and I ran right down when I heard.  I made sure she had food and had a game plan; and was willing to be part of that plan if needed.  And then it was just a week later that I hear that she has fallen again - knocking herself out when her head hit the piano, waking to a pool of blood.  Eighteen staples was needed.  

I'm still worried about my mom.  She is all I have when I think of my extended family.  And we have gone through so much.  I have thought about her living with us - but know we don't have the ability in our home, and to give her a safe place without stairs.  Sometimes I'm mad because I have to deal with this - because I don't see her as old enough to need this care.  But most of all I'm trying to be the best child I can be and care for her - and because of my circumstances I am not even doing that. 

Last year, Duane has endured some medical issues.  Something that remains unspoken - completely   Something that we both have had to walk together.  Something that isolates us even more and something that has been a trial in our marriage.  As I tried to drift off to sleep with him tonght I know that part of our hearts are not dealing with the situation.   Ignoring it seems to be the easiest thing.  But is only a time bomb ready to go off to create devestation.  But it has made me so insecure - because lets just face it; men and women are so different.  He thinks with his mind, and I think with my heart and we just don't fully grasp one another. 

And then me.  Nothing too major.  Two concussions - within a matter of five days.  Something you would think would be easy to get over.  Fear has gribbed me as Alzeimer's has been spoken into my life for my future.  The seriousness of how I can not have anymore accidents or falls has paralized me.  The doctor says to rest for two months.  I have lost all freedom of driving and even walking by myself.  I'm thankful that my husband has been there to hold onto and for his extended hand of protection .. but also hate depending on him.  The symptoms that haven't left is frustrating because it has been so long.  I feel I have judgment from those who doubt it all - I wish they could see the world tilted in my eyes.  I am nauseous frequently because of the unbalanced motion of the world.  My home is my safe place.  I just found that I don't have cancer in the brain - and the thought they were even looking for that!  I wait for the specialist for another 1 1/2 months.  Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments, vitamin B, a machine to get all the bad stuff out of my water, and rest fills my days.  I'm ready for normalcy.  

And tonight I reach out to you because I can't hide the emotions anymore.  I have hit the point so low that depression does greet me with welcome arms.  I long to just run.  I long to run away from California.  I long to run away from my church.  I long to run away from everything I know.  

I keep remembering that we know You are good.  Yet I think of all that I'm walking through and ask myself - Do I believe You are good  - even though you are gradually taking my dad?   Do I believe You are good - even though my mom continues to have falls and now is facing surgery?  Do I believe You are good  - even though I have been put in a silent room with an illness that hurts a husband and wife?  Do I believe You are good - even though the world is unbalanced through my eyes and not better yet?  Do I believe you are good in the isolation?

So tonight, as I reach my rock bottom, I searched to see if you have anything to say about the matter … 

    That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When the floods came, the water tried to wash the house away, but it could not shake it, because the house was built well. 

Luke 6:48

It has been around 34 years now that I have chosen you in my life.  I have built that foundation on a rock. The floods are coming, and doing everything to wash all that I have away.  But today I stand on You - my Rock and can stand in confidence the choice I made 34 years ago will get me through this these days and these trials.  I hate to say that my rock bottom, can even get more rockier … but I choose you to be the Rock that greets me in it all.  

The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Savior.  My God is my rock.  I can run to him for safety.  He is my shield ad my saving strength, my defender. 

Psalm 18:2

God, I confess to you I want to run.  I want to take things in my own hand.  Tonight you grab my attention as you won't let me sleep - and I reach out to you and see that I need to run to You - not away.  I've been grumbling about all that has hit us.  I'm thankful for the lives that you have put into mine.  I'm thankful that you have not isolated me.  I am thankful that my parents are with me and You have drawn my mom and I closer than we have ever been.  I am thankful that my husband and I are able to hold hands more than ever.  I am thankful that our love remains and how You have proven that the greatest is Love. I am thankful that when I opened this blog that as been neglacted for so long that an unposted message greeted me and refocused my direction.  I am thankful that through this time of waiting for "normalcy" I have the opportunity to seek you even more.  

So are You a Good God?

You have remained.  You are faithful.  You make ALL things good and use even the brokeness to your favor. You heal.  You redeem. 

You are Good! 

The Assignment

It was a simple question that the pastor's wife asked of us.  To just post a picture of us standing in our favorite part of our home or property, and post another in our least.  I could have sent any ol' picture but for whatever reason this question really got my mind pondering.

And thanksgiving over flowed in my heart.  After days of pondering I realized what a testimony this home is.   What I have experienced in this home, I haven't experienced in any other home we had … at least to the depth.

We have recently remodeled a couple of rooms: our bathroom and kitchen.  It would be natural to take a picture in those rooms.  The kitchen is where I experience creativity and passion and able to serve.  And as much as I experience the joy of kitchen … it's not my favorite.  The bathroom is the gratest transformation:  something truly horrible and ugly now so purposeful and beautiful.  Isn't that Jesus in our lives?  How He transforms us from our horrible selves into something beautiful.  That could be it … but no, it wasn't it.

Do I post a picture of our sitting room?  That could it.  It is a room where plants surround me, reminding me of life.  It is a place I come and meet with Jesus in my quiet time, and where my intimate conversations take place with those I hold dear.  That could be it.  But I still had hesitancy as I thought about all the other rooms.

The laundry room, even though, the frequent mess of dirt trampling through and the collection of shoes still brings me a pleasant feeling.  The dining room is full of fellowship, intimacy, laughter and conversations. A place where I can serve those I love.  That surely could be it.  The family room is where the girls play their instruments and worship.  It has turned into our santuary where we have church now and we gather to watch movies, play games and where my husband holds me or my hand.  That could be it too.  Or what about the stairwell where so many pictures greet me and remind me of the good memories I have had with so many people.  Or what about our room with its solitude and the intimacy, love and embrace only a husband and wife share.  And the fourth bedroom .. storing the fun of games, creativity of crafts and sewing and such, and a place I can work or rather daydream as I stare out the window.  Or do I stand in the only room we liked when we purchased our home .. .the downstairs bathroom, the room we still love and are thankful for because it drew us here.  Or what about the rabbit coop where I'm greeted with so many cute faces and the fun they are.  And the back porch where I can sit and relaxe and soak up the sun and enjoy the beauty of the flowers that surround me.

As I pondered,  I have been grateful of all that God has blessed us with.  I have experienced His blessings in each room and each room is filled with His goodness.  I have a tangible reminder of a good God and the overflowing of goodness He has provided me.

I couldn't help but remember the day we found this house.  We had transitioned back to California.  We were trying hard to make something new, because we were determined to not return to the life and area we had known.  We were going to live somewhere new, somewhere different.  The realestate business was hot, and we had put eleven offers in different homes … all of them going at least 100,000 over asking prices - something we couldn't even compete in.  Our temporary housing was about up and we were running out of hope.  One thing happened after another, and we saw our now home on Redfin.  It met all the criterias, but I just didn't like it.  We placed an offer on the home still but way less than the offer, believing the bank would never accept.  But God always wins .. and the keys were ours.

I had a disagreement with Duane right after watching church on Sunday.  And true to form I retreated to

the place that always welcomes me.  I took my tea and poindered.  I was upset with my behavior and frustrated with my husband.  But I went and sat and confessed my heart to God there.  I sat and looked around and saw the beauty around me and thanksgiving filled my heart.  I felt close to God once again.  I realized then and there where my favorite spot was - my front porch.  It is there no matter what I'm going through my heart always sores towards Him and thanksgiving fills my heart.  It is there I welcome those into our home, and send off my love when they go - and God does the same with each of us.  I watch the birds, and the bumble bees and rabbit - even though it eats my flowers.  It's not my favorite door, and the porch needs some touching up - but in spite of that, God is with me.

The least favorite place in our home was just as difficult because each room is so good because God is part of each of them.  It could be the girls room as there are many times it is hard to find the floor … but because of the lives that fill them, I'm even fond of those rooms.  But then I remembered a room that intensifies my fear of the dark because there is no electricity, and the spiders and mice have been easy to find.  But also a place where we have had kittens born in there .. the detached garage, carriage house, shed or whatever you want to call it.

So today thankful that God not only gives us a testimony in our lives but in our homes as well.  And I am thankful He chose us to live here.