I wouldn't be human if I too didn't have my struggles. And my greatest battle these days is with two coworkers.
I love my job, always have. Yet this battle I have has caused me to even want to quit. It has caused me to have my tantrums and has caused me to judge, point fingers right back at them and perhaps even call them names. I have told my girls that we will always have our struggles with someone in our school classes, in our work places and even church…where ever there are people. It is just the way life and humans are. My battle feels like a full blown war!
But as I read the Word of God, hear the music in the background and just ponder on the celebration of Christ's birth my heart pierces.
I think of my two coworkers and think of how I have enjoyed getting to know them, how much I appreciated them and loved them. And somewhere in time it changed. I'm clueless as to how. I think how my child has been accused of doing somethings wrong, and I'm her mom … so now I'm in the wrong too (so I feel judged). I think of how they may think I have the same role as them, not knowing that the demands on me are different and the role isn't quite the same (so I feel not understood). I think of mistakes I have made, or how I may approach a situation differently and perhaps even disagree with way things should run (so I feel unforgiven). And if I was them I guess I could be guilty of all of the above, and the negativity of my feelings weighs me down.
I have had tears knowing that not nice things are being said against me. I have had anger knowing that communication lacks when exchanging shifts because of the way they feel against me, and knowing full well of gossip that is hurting us being a full team. I have wanted to come out swinging when they continue to remind my other daughter of her wrong choice she made months and months ago and how I have to remind her that her mistakes don't own her, they don't identify her, and she has made all things right. I want to spit nails when they call themselves Christians and my own daughter watches and says "why would I want to be a Christian, when this is the example?". So much negativity comes over me, mama bear even comes out and I want to ruin their lives.
But I ponder on the Word of God, I ponder the lyrics of joy, hope, peace and love that continue to sing around me and just ponder about Christ's birth….how we need to come and adore him, how he came so we could be saved and joy is here to stay.
And then this morning my heart just aches.
The two of them and me have something in common. We celebrate the same King of Kings, Prince of Peace and Wonderful Counselor that came into this darkened world - a world that needed hope, peace, joy and love. The two of them are crying for the same hope, peace, joy and love that I am crying out for. These two are the son and daughter of Christ. They were purposely created, purposely planned and purposely loved, just as I was.
And my heart aches a little more. This time out of love and conviction. I'm not loving the gift that was given to me as I should. I am not worshipping the very God who creates, and have judged two of his masterpieces.
I'm so sorry.
I have seen the world through its darkness and have been in the habit of seeing things as hopeless. I forgot the power of the gift we celebrate this month. How this gift brings light and will remove all darkness and the things hidden in it.
I have love. I have forgivenss. I have have freedom. This baby has given such an abundance, I have more to give.
And the very first gifts this year are to my two coworkers.