S-t-r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t-c-h!

That's the word today in my study.  To be stretched.  To make yourself available to God, and to simply say yes.  It is also something that hurts when doing but make
s room for strength and conditioning.  It's a good thing.

The challenging question for me is … where is God stretching me?  I feel like for the first time in a long time, I'm at a place that I'm getting comfortable in.  So why am I not being stretched?  Or am I?  Or greater … uh oh …. am I about to be?

It's not a secret that I am adopted.  I have talked about how emotionally and spiritually impactful that was for me a few times.  It's also not a secret that we have pursued adoption a few times, only to have them fail.  I have worked through all the emotional scaring and impact these have had on me.  I believe I am over it.

Yet, why are these things coming up in my life again?

I don't know.  I am also confident in saying that I have no desire to pursue anymore or have any layers left to work through with my story.  I'm done.  I'm in a good place.  Yet …

I have seen in my previous post of how I was able to connect with someone at a deeper level, reach someone no one else was able to reach.  Today I was able to share with another of how we have something more in common, which has connected us more.  What is God doing with my story?

Today in my study I am reminded of how guarded I am at church.  I have been deeply hurt by "the church" a couple times in my life.  I have been thrown down and trampled.  I have received judgment instead of compassion and love.  Fingers have been pointed and I have been shunned.  And just writing these words, I see Jesus carrying his cross and being treated the same.

Why are we so hard on one another?  Why do we allow our hurts to hurt others … or in my case, keep a wall up and guard myself.  Because we are all broken.   And just like broken glass, some pieces can be a little more sharper than others.

I have forgiven those who have offended me.  I've worked past that.  But can I allow the walls to come down and allow others to come into my life at a deeper level?  Can I take a risk with a possibility of backs to be turned my way?  Can I risk those getting to know the intimate side of me and use it against me?

One of my favorite shows was Fixer Upper.  Chip would make it clear that his favorite day was "demo day".  In order to make room for the vision, the newness, the open floor plan, and organized beauty he had to tear down and demolish the walls.  He had to get rid of the old to make room for the new.  The house couldn't grow and accomplish what was to come if the old was still there.

Karen's Demo Day … it's how I'm being stretched.  I have to demolish the walls that are holding the vision God has for me, the newness and open floor plan God has created in me.  I have to get rid of the old to make room for the new and destroy those walls.

The question is this … who is swinging their sledgehammer with me?

I Choose To Be Thankful ...

My heart has been heavy these past weeks.  Truth hasn't seemed to win out, and it anguishes me. 

The Ebola outbreak.

A few weeks ago, missionaries that were just a few miles from our children came to the US, to seek medical treatment and have been healed.  Don't get me wrong...I prayed for them, and am so thankful God showed his mercy and healed them. 

And now our country thinks everything is over.  Ebola hasn't won.  And it's over.

But it's not.

It is worse than ever, a matter-of-fact.  People are dying constantly everyday.  It seems I can hear the wailing as I sleep, and in my waking hours.  The wailing of hopelessness.  It seems I can feel the depth of despair and even the questioning if God is listening.

Our country has sent over experimental drugs to help those in this fight for their lives.  But our country has sent over drugs to a corruptive country.  Liberia's government will see who gets help and who doesn't.  They will make sure one tribe will survive over the other, and the government will see to it that they themselves are safe.  But those in the bush, those in the orphanages and those who don't matter (in the country's eyes) ... they will never see the "help" that was sent.

This disease needs to be isolated, true.  But in Liberia it is the extreme.  I know one particular story that a son tested negative to the disease, but his whole family died.  He was still shunned and isolated ... left to starve and die, because he was related to the deceased, even though evidence proved he was safe.  Villages and slums are quarantined.  Food doesn't come in.  And because of the state of the country, food isn't necessarily grown.  Starvation is now a factor.  And those who have food, are selling their goods at an outrageous price ... and we are talking about the second poorest country in the world.  I can imagine the food going bad before the price could be met. 

Things seem hopeless.  My heart remains heavy and in anguish.

Yet I'm reminded through Paul's words in Philippians of the hope we have.  That we are to look outside of the situations.  Look outside of the prison walls he knew so well, look outside of the cross our Savior endured but look to the One that is our prize.  (Philippians 3:14)  I'm to rejoice in the Lord always, not to be anxious about anything, but in everything , by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God.  Today I search for the peace of God which will transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:4-7)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.  (Philippians 4:8-9)

I admit, it is hard to find good, noble, right, pure and lovely, admirable and excellent things in this situation that strikes close to our home.  Our children could be starving.  They were hungry before, and the depth of hunger pains are more likely increased.  They could be isolated.  The country is so poor, communication isn't an option.  Fear is evident from what we do know.  Fear rises in me as well.  How can I be thankful?

But I choose to stand on faith.  I choose to believe the God that says he hears, hears.  I choose to believe the God that says he fights, will fight.  I choose to believe the God that says he comforts, will comfort.  I choose to believe the God that says he protects, will protect.   And I choose to believe the God that says he is hope will remain hope. 

I choose to shift my eyes more upward.  And I consider it my thanksgivings - the boy I shared many laughs with, the girl I held and let become a peanut butter mess.  I am thankful of the songs of joy as they danced and sang before the Lord.  And with the thankfulness, somehow I know God will rise above this all ... and even in this hopeless mess, everything will be ok.  
 

3Gs!

It always amazes me with the world of technology and I admit; that I too like to indulge into a little piece of cyber space.  Technology is planning to release the next greatest thing: 5Gs(although that statement could be outdated the moment I post this).  And even though they are finalizing and mastering the 5G, it is only the stepping stone of getting to the era of a much bigger world that I can't even fathom; but they do.  I just stand amazed as people have the creativity to dream bigger and bigger, and continue to achieve those dreams.  I admire them as they celebrate their accomplishments, for they have much reason to celebrate.

I too have lived dreaming bigger and bigger.  I have achieved my dreams, have built stepping stones along the way, but I don't think I have celebrated each of them.

As funny as it sounds, we're still adjusting to what has always been our norm.  It has been a little over a month since our son has been removed from our home, and we're still adjusting to things as they were before.  I still fumble when asked "how many in your party?" as we dine out.  And it isn't only because our son is gone, but now with our oldest being partially gone as well. 

There isn't a day that doesn't go by, when I'm not wondering about our son.  He's always in our heart, and now I see he always will be. 

I now look at our family.  We are currently adjusting rooms once again, giving everyone their own space decorated in their own personality.  As we started this process, I was allowing the practicality rule me.  But truth is, seeing the evidence of a room that has stood empty as it waited for a Liberian boy to come, and then what was once filled with a beautiful and broken 10 year old was more than I could stand to see anymore.  It was time to reclaim what was ours...and it took having a broken dream to see what was before me.  And as we recover, and as we decorate the rooms to fit their own personalities, it is given me a way to recover from a painful loss and actually celebrate the individuals in the family we have.  

Last night we were able to go to the drive-in movies with two of our girls, and it was a moment I was able to embrace.  I admit that as we drove there, I thought of our son:  how he would have enjoyed this night, and the plans we made months ago of seeing this movie together.  But as the four of us huddled and cuddled in the back of our SUV as we watched the movie, I realized "this was good". 

And that is when I realized I live in a 3G world. And it is ok!  Our 3G are our three girls:  Lindsay, who is more out of the house than in these days as she is finding strength in spreading her wings.  Katie, our strong leader with a compassionate spirit.  And Courtney who is our glue of the family that keeps us all in tact. 

I was shown last night as we watched the movie how technology is always looking more into the future...3D movies, more G's in our laptops and cell phones, more computer capabilities and the list goes on.  I too lived in the mindset of seeing more.  But now I see what I have and find contentment in lives worth celebrating.  A world that is enough for me.  One full of joy, silliness and heart.  One I can relate to more than any other and one that was built just for me. 

So as the world shows me their new gizmos, the next bigger and better thing.  I refuse to fall into that trap and choose to look into the beautiful faces I see looking back at me and be thankful for the world I have to live.  It is the biggest and best thing I know. 

Bittersweet

I guess I need to face the music sometime.  In all honesty, there are things in one's life that are frankly - none of everyone's business.  However, being that I allowed you to enter into our lives and know about the adventure, it's be fair for you to know where the adventure has taken us.

Not all stories are fairy book endings.  Not all stories are happy ever ending.  And this would be one of them.

RAD.  The devil's foothold, I believe.  RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I don't believe in labels, but sometimes one must label in order to know what others are up against.  RAD is what we were dealing with.  No matter what kind of love and care we poured into our son, it wouldn't be received, only rejected.  But it wasn't just about not receiving all that was given to him. 

With RAD comes a huge defiance, and much manipulation.  And with RAD came broken boundaries for our biological daughters.  Trust was broken each day, and not giving us much to stand on.

And without writing the many reasons we came to our decision, we spent many hours on our knees in prayer.  And we had to make the decision to protect the children God has already blessed us with.  And our son had to make the decision as well.  And with our answers ... our son is no longer.  A month ago he was removed, and his adventure in life continues.

I don't regret what we did.  I know that our son came to know Christ in the short five months he was with us.  He learned that life isn't just about receiving privileges, but one must earn them.  And unfortunately, our son will see in his next placement that things in this home weren't bad.  But it takes him to be moved from here to see what he had.  And we believe his next placement will be successful.

And even in this sorrow we have experienced, we have experienced God and learned more of Him and his gentle loving character He is. 

I walked away from Him, when all this was said and done.  I mean, how could ANYONE love me for rejecting a 10 year old boy.  For not accepting ALL of him, and putting my teenage daughters first.  A lot of that was the judgment we were under from countless of sources, but it grabbed a hold of me something fierce just the same.  How could God love me?  I had to of let me down, and turned to be his greatest disappointment.

My husband leaned over me at church a week ago and prayed.  RAD ... it had a hold of me.  Manipulation, defiance, broken boundaries ... all causing me to reject my Father's love.  And I realized how much I was pushing the goodness of God away, instead of receiving the goodness He has given me from the time of birth until now. 

So now we enter a season back to having a family of five - three teenage girls, a husband and myself.  And I have to say - it is all good.  It is good, because I have received these five lives as one of the greatest gifts my God has given me.  I am in a new season of recognizing the goodness of my Savior and receiving ALL he has to offer.  And I stand on His promise that he'll make even our son's life good too. Because I stand on the knowledge God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!

My Conviction

Duane and I have been walking this adoption journey for the past four months, and continue to walk through this fire.  I don't know if I could capture the hardship of the journey.  But for one, life doesn't stop just because there is a new child in our home.  Pets have died.  Pets have had to go.  What was normal, isn't normal anymore, and we can't seem to even find what normal is.  Work demands have become greater.  Financial burdens are heavier.  And in the midst of trying to stop time and turn a child's thinking into truth, the expectations of school, county and councilors are demanding.  The stress has taken its toll on all our relationships including our marriage, and even my health. 

It wasn't until today to told the school "no".  "No" to the book report that is due in a week.  "What?", you may say.  Let me tell you.  Our son is extremely behind in school.  And what the school sees, is "lets fix it".  One teachers fix-it ways, is not the others.  So we have had several teachers and professionals throw their opinions our way, giving us the brunt work to do, threw all their confusion.  However, I'm reminded, that they are fixing the symptoms not the wound. 

Our son has gone through so much trauma in his life.  And if you look into trauma and the affects of it, you'll see that there is actual, physical brain damage.  And the affects of the damage, and the many losses in his life are the results of what you see.  Cognitive issues, attachment and trust issues, fear, worry, academic struggles and the list goes on. 

If I was pregnant, and birthed our son life would be so much different.  Not only would we have nine months to prepare for the child that is coming our way, but we would have had a little idea as to what to expect from the models that were before him.  And we would have already had some sort of bonding.  If my son was birthed, I would have nursed him, and cuddled with him and would have proven to him that I was trustworthy; as I would feed him when he was hungry, change his pants when they were wet and messy, and give him warmth when he was cold.  His world would have a total different look.  And if I would have birthed my son, I would have had about five years of bonding with him before I sent him off to school.  And when my son  became a fifth grader, he wouldn't be far behind or at least because of his environment he was raised in.  And from my experience with my three biological children, If I had birthed our son, we might have even had a shower to welcome him into this world.

I have finally said "no" to the countless "busy work" of assignments that have come into our home to "try and catch him up", because we still need time bonding, and him learning that he can trust us.  I'm not saying no to everything...just the stuff that is about ready to break us.

Our number one focus right now is trying to bond as a mother and child, father and child, siblings, and a family as a whole.  And unfortunately it takes time ... and life doesn't stop.

What is frustrating for us too, is that we look at him as a ten year old boy.  I should be able to set a knife by his plate.  But I forget that I can't when I see him cutting something on the table.  No one has taught him how to properly cut his food. 

I forget that when I send what I see as a ten year old boy up to take a shower and he comes down all wet, complaining that the hot water is "broken" after his 45 minute shower, finding he never soaped up or washed his hair we remember we put too high of an expectation on him.  And now Duane has to spend a week teaching him how to shower.

And we haven't even talked about his social graces.  He could say something that is so untrue, but he believes it as true, and no matter how many times you argue with him, he is going to believe what he knows as true...after all, all adults have lied to him, why would we be any different.  And what about the times he just says something that just puts a knife through your heart.  Not because he wants to hurt me...but because he has never been taught to think of others.  He has had to learn to defend himself in order to survive. 

And we are doing this alone. 

Remember, if he was birthed...I would have had a shower?  I'm not looking for things.  But I'm looking for support, and even a friend to talk to and have tea with.  Someone who could listen, empathize and definitely not fix our life.  And someone who could bring me laughter! 

We came from a church who supported adoption.  We also came from churches that support us.  And right now, at this very moment I stand confused.  Please let me explain.

I have heard countless times "I will pray for you", "praying" and "God will see you through this".  But truthfully I don't want more prayers...I want help!

I have those rare comments that come our way that tell me:  "how can I help you?"  or "if you ever need a babysitter."  And I've called those comments out, only to find them invalid.  Right now, to be involved in our lives would be extremely messy.  We, even as Christians, don't want messy.  ME included!  To be wrapped in our life, we would need for you to take a background check to be able to watch our son for a day or two so we could rest.  It might take just coming over and listening to us, and walking through our struggles.  It would take a whole lot of time.  And it may even take building a relationship with my girls, who are now questioning their own faith.  But like I said it would be messy.

And we, in our society of busyness don't have time to get involved.  We talk the talk, but instead we just stand from the sidelines to watch those who are called....and we sometimes pray. 

I'm in NO way knocking prayer, I spend a lot of my time on my knees.  However, I just took a few moments and looked through the book of Matthew and saw Jesus doing a whole lot of doing.  Healing, even willing to go out of his way to heal, talking to those who need encouragement, allowing children to come into his lap.  He often spent his time speaking to those who were forgotten and set aside, and reaching out to them.  A matter-of-fact, wherever he was, I see in the scriptures that Jesus saw everyone who was in that scene...I really don't think anyone was overlooked.  He took his rest when needed too.  And called out to God when he was emotionally drained.  And I have to believe that if he was walking this earth, he'd not only come and heal our son and baby-sit him to give us rest....but he'd reach into your world and meet your needs too.

And through our journey I have seen how I have fallen short.  I have seen how I have not been willing to get messy with the lady in my church who needed a meal, because of the physical distance that put me out of my way.  It was out of my way and would make me late to give the man on the street corner a warm cup of coffee and any source of encouragement. I didn't want to babysit for my neighbor as getting involved with down syndrome is not my thing.  God has put people in my path that I was to be Jesus to, and I wasn't.  In spite of my current exhaustion...I want to be Jesus.  I'm seeing so many of us doing life alone, and I am reminded in scriptures we weren't created to do life that way.  We were created to praise God, depend on Him, and build each other up.

Life was meant to be together.  Isolation is not from God.  And if I feel alone, or if you feel alone something is wrong. 

So I challenge you.  What is the cry of your neighbor?  What is your co-worker struggling with?  Who is sitting in your pew at church that needs a friend because their spouse just left them?  Who is God calling you to? 

I know, that my eyes and ears are going to be opened a lot this week.  I may be exhausted, and I may need Jesus myself but I want to be Jesus ... and a whole lot messier!

Worn

I have wanted to write so much.  There are so many things to share, yet when it finally comes to writing...how do I put these words down?  What exactly do I want to share?  My thoughts don't seem to flow as much as they used to.  So I don't write.   But today I choose to write, no matter how scattered it sounds. 


Our lives have been dumped upside down two months ago.  While we have had the joy and celebration of bringing another life into our family and home, we have also had the trauma, emotional scaring, and drama that also has come in.  Our lives have been filled with therapy appointments (individual, family and siblings), sibling visits, social worker, GAL and CASA appointments, court appointments, IEP testings, school appointments and advocating and the list just goes on.  A boy that has had ten years of negative or no attention is now demanding ALL our attention...leaving marriage, and the previous family relationships strained and drained.  We have felt so empty.  So discouraged.  So broken.  And we have been in tears. 

It has been a lonely road.  Stories of other adoptive parents have come our way with more suggestions of how to parent our new child.  Yet our story is different from theirs, and why their way works for them, it doesn't work for us.  Many of those we come into contact with, don't grasp at all what we are going through.  They give us their blank stares, and tell us "wow", and they change the subject.  No prayers.  No encouragement.  Nothing.  And then there are the select few who do grasp it; not only the change of numbers in our family, but the trauma that has come with it, and the fact we have a boy and not a girl
(which we are used to).  They have been encouraging and given us a listening ear.  But most of all prayer.

I won't lie.  We have questioned "have we done the right thing"?  But we look into his sweet brown eyes, and see the good that is there.  We confess to God, that this road isn't easy, and we're trying to muddle through but need Him to take the reigns.  And during that plea, that silent cry, I hear my heart's song on the radio....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

 

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left..

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know that a song can rise from the ashes of broken life

and all that's dead inside can be reborn.

I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin.

I'm worn.

Even before the day begins...

 

And some where in that cry...God heard my heart. 

 

My Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord; I waited and waited, hoping for him to come, watching, knowing that He was the only one that could understood, He was the only one I could turn to.  Then He did turn to me and he heard my cry and plea, the desperation in my heart.

 

He lifted me out of that slimy pit, where discouragement seemed to be all around me, where loneliness was sitting in.  He lifted me out of the mud and mire of exhaustion and desperation.  He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand...that of Him.  He brushed off the ugliness that covered me, and helped me stand once again.  He put a new song in my mouth, an attitude of thankfulness and surrender.  He gave me a hymn of praise to our God, because He heard me and rescued me and showed me once again He is God.  I put my trust in Him, and know He is my source, my guide and my sustainer.

 

 

I can's say that the days have gotten easier...the trials remain the same, the demands are even more so, but my attitude has as I have given it to the One that can carry it way better than me.  I don't have to have the answers, because He does.  And I don't have to worry about doing things wrong, because I will ... but He will make it all right once again.  I have come to rely on Him more than I ever have before.  And I have come to rely on Him for something I never have relied on Him for before:  Rest.  It's there each day, waiting.  Because my God sustains me and gives me what I need.

Abundance

It hit me right between the eyes last night.  So hard, that I couldn't help but fall upon my knees and weep.

Our family has been going through a lot of challenges, a lot of changes.  At this point, I just try and get through each day, calling it good.  I can't seem to even think of tomorrow, let alone next week.  We now are a family of six.  That is the biggest change.  One more body in our home, that wasn't there too long ago ... it just takes some getting used to.  We are also getting used to having a boy in the house, when frankly we are used to girls.  I'm just dumbfounded how differently they think.  We are getting used to medication, when we are a house that does things natural, and never have had to be confined to daily living through a bottle of pills.  We are getting used to a new elementary school, that we have never been part of before, and a public school at that.  Our calendar is stuffed full of therapy appointments, OT appointments, doctor, dentist and psychologist ... and just for a ten year old boy.  And each appointment I'm learning something new.  It just seems so overwhelming. 

And to be real with you.  Our family is far from perfect.  We have issues just like any other family.  And can I tell you something?  Being a mom to teenagers is soooooo hard!  Let alone three teenage girls!  I never expected it to be easy, but there are days that I wonder if this is "normal" and I question all my ability and start wondering where I have gone wrong.  The hormones are extremely active in our home.  The drama tends to escalade.  The expectancy they put on their parents, we often wonder if we live in the same world.  So hard. 

And last night wasn't anything different.

We have had to put a new system in our home.  It is more for our son, but our girls are part of it too.  We have found they not only enjoy it, but it is working for everyone, encouraging us (as parents) to follow through, encourage our kids and allow the system to work for us, instead of us being dealt with the "war" between us and the kids.  It is a simple system.  We have a white board, listing all the chores, with the initials of who is in charge of them.  Attached to the board is also the daily responsibilities that everyone has to do in the house.  We also have a picture of CARS (Lightning McQueen, Mator, and Doc Hudson), each representing three ribbons (1st, 2nd, 3rd place).  Attached to the picture are 4 clothes pins, each with the name of our children.  Each place ribbon lists what gets them to that place, and what the privilege/consequence are.  First place may earn you some extra allowance or video time, where as third place earns you nothing.  It is a simple system, that we do at the dinner table.  And it has been working!

Well yesterday I took a child of mine at their word that they did their responsibilities...that their room was clean and done.  Leaving them at first place with all the privileges.  Lessoned learn on my part ... I have to check.
I walked in their room after church last night ... so disappointed in what I saw.  And lecture number #87 started coming to my lips.  But at the same time I'm dealing with life as it is... I'm dealing with my heart's cry of wanting to be closer to God, wanting to experience more of him.

I remember telling my daughter, to get up, start focusing on the task at hand and move ... getting the job done.  Go for what you want!  Believe that you can overcome this task.  She is one that accepts defeat so easily, and shows through how she carries herself.

I also remembering the heartbreak I experienced that moment.  Being lied to.  Deceit.  My trust was broken.  I couldn't help but tear up.  I told my girls I have soooo much for you.  More than they could ever imagine.  I have so many things I want to give them, things I have listed in my mind, and so much in my heart.  I have an abundance to give them!

And it hit me.  How often to I walk in what I already have, accepting it as enough, and that I don't deserve more.  Instead of walking with the knowing my Heavenly Father has an abundance to give me!  How many times do I ask for the whim of the moment, and say that it is enough, and not accept all the things He has for me?  How many times do I disobey my Heavenly Father, and walk away from the abundance He has for me? 

I couldn't help but fall on my face.  I couldn't help but see the life I had been living and plea for a new start. 

So today I walk with a knowing my Father has abundance for me.  And I know that He has an abundance for you.  His love is great ... greater than I could ever imagine.  And I'm so thankful that I'm able to experience a taste of His heart for you and me every now and then ... even through the challenges of parenting, and the challenges of change.  To know my Father's heart is abundantly full for me  seems to just make it all worth it.

Let The Journey Begin ...

Well, it is time for the truth to come out.  I have avoided this blog, because simply 'fear' has kept me away.  Fear of judgement, fear of condemnation and fear of every one's "helpful words" that come across more discouraging than empathetic and encouraging.

The time has come.  Not to just come out in the open with my feelings, but also this dream God has placed on our hearts is staring us right in our face.

Adoption.  We are pleased to announce we have a ten year old son!  And for the sake of his protection, and the rules we must abide...you won't be seeing a picture of him, nor his name posted, or his story.

There are so many stories and evidence this journey is ordained by God.  This entry isn't about those stories.  But bottom line, we're doing what God has called us to do.  And I'm doing everything to trust in Him.

I do remember right before all this came to be, having an attitude of "giving up"; and it was clear through the days that followed God put me in a place where I couldn't, but He could.  It was clear He put adoption on our hearts, and wouldn't even allow us to stop thinking or dreaming about it.  However, just because God calls us, doesn't mean the journey He calls us to is easy.

I have been taught that those things that come easy are definitely meant to be.  So I assumed the opposite would be true too ... those things that are hard, are not meant to be and aren't of God.  A lie!  A lie that Satan is truly trying to stumble me with, and a lie I caste out right now as I type.

The day I met my son for the first time, I changed my clothes a few times ... hoping to look like a cool mom, hoping that I would meet his expectations.  Wishing I had shed a few pounds.  I didn't know what to expect.  I just know I was excited, nervous and full of peace.  I held the hand of peace as we drove to meet him.  I will never forget that day.  It was the moment he came into the room, when I layed my first eyes on him that didn't move me.  We didn't know what to talk about, but God reminded me how much of a gardener our son is ... and it was God that broke the ice.  Our son took that open door and started talking, wanting to show us his garden.  He never stopped talking!  It was the moment he started speaking that moved my heart, and that moment I could see his heart, and see how sweet it is.  It was that moment that changed our lives forever.

As we only have our son on weekends right now, it is when he starts talking that continues to melt my heart.  But it doesn't mean that this is an easy journey.

I was warned that it would take longer for our son to attach to me, more than anyone else.  And I have seen the truth in this statement.  I'd be lying if I told you that their warning, and the understanding behind it made it easier.  It doesn't.  I have a nurturing heart, I want to just hug on him.  But that hasn't come yet.  It has only been a few weeks still, but my heart still wants something that it can't have quite yet.  But I hold onto hope.

Because of my past, my trauma, my stumbling stones Satan tried to lay in my way ... when my son pulls away from me, I feel rejected.  When I feel rejected, I tend to pull away.  When I pull away, my son and I aren't able to attach.  So I have a counselor that holds me accountable, stands on my side and gives me sound advice.  I still hold onto hope and with hope we have already seen some change.

We aren't used to having a boy around here.  I never thought it would be a big thing.  And for the most part it doesn't.  But now I share my husband with someone else, a whole different way.  It has been hard.  I hold onto hope through this transition, and my husband has to give me more reassurance through these days than he used to. And that hope, I have experienced some change.

As we continue to proceed on our visits, I have experienced excitement and honestly resentment.  It hasn't been easy.  It has put our lives upside down.  Both good and hard.  And from the beginning I continue to hold onto God's hand, trusting Him and leaning on nothing but Him.  And through this journey I hold onto the promise that our family of six will be connecting, and this transition will be in our past, and hearts will be connected.  We aren't just growing in number, but in our hearts too.  And through it all ... God is bringing healing - for our son and even for me.  Healing I didn't even know needed to take place.

Adoption.  It isn't easy.  But it is possible.  Hope surrounds it.  And I reach out for that hope so often these days.  I choose to trust God, and continue to look forward to the days ahead WITH our son.  And I choose to love my son, and am reminded through this choice God chose to love me.  And I choose to hold God's hand and am reminded God has never let me out of His.  Will I have bad days and be a bad mom?  Yep.  Our son will have the same mom as the girl's do.  A mom full of mistakes and who needs God's grace every moment of every day. 

And now let the journey begin...

Adoption - The VERY Heart of God

So many times I have written confessing me desperation in our adoption journey, and so many times I have written sharing the moments I have grasped of God  through this journey.  Today I "get it" like no other time prior.

The prayer in our home has been to open the doors that are shut and bring our Liberian children home.  I have also prayed another prayer before the first - that I would experience God fully and understand His heart, and that His heart will become mine!

I started a new Bible study, and we are reading "Beautiful One", edited by Shae Cooke.  I read the first chapter and had to reread it, and have stewed on it during the past couple of days.  It talks of the orphan spirit and the spirit of adoption.  It is funny, I try so many times to think of something else and NOT adoption ... but the word still comes forth!  I don't believe in coincidences, and I do believe God is trying to reveal something to me.  And frankly, I can me a very slow learner, but I finally have gotten it!

One of our pastors told me a year ago that "adoption is the very heart of God".  I knew the passages in the Bible he was referencing, I have heard the statement he said many times before and it was nothing new but I confess I haven't pondered its full meaning, and haven't grasped the fullness of the statement - until today.  It took God to show me through our adoption journey His heart.

We have prepared a room for Elijah.  God has prepared a kingdom for me.  (Matthew 25:34)

We have gathered clothes for Elijah and Ruth.  God has handmade a robe of glory for me.  (Luke 15:22, Romans 3:17)

We have a place designated for Elijah and Ruth at the dinner table.  God has prepared a feast for me.  (Psalm 23:5)

We have paid adoption fees throughout the adoption of Elijah and Ruth.  God bought me through His son.  (Acts 20:28, 1 Corinthians 6:20, 7:23)

We speak of Elijah and Ruth being ours constantly, God does the same for me and is pleased of what He created in me.  (Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16-20, Psalm 139: 13-18)

Elijah and Ruth have the same rights and inheritance as our own daughters who were birthed from me.  God gives me the same inheritance as his own flesh and blood, Jesus.  (Colossians 1:12, Hebres 9:15)

We constantly invision Elijah and Ruth home with us.  God plans a place just for me.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

We wait.  He waits.  (Romans 8:23)

Even as we plan for others to come into our home, not once have we given up hope that Elijah and Ruth will join us one day.  God has never given my spot away either - not for even the person who measures so much greater than me.  Because He has predestined, called, justified and glorified me.  (Romans 8:29-30) 

Today I have seen my prayers answered.  Not the way I had invisioned, but they have been answered just the same.  No, Elijah and Ruth aren't coming home, but through their journey I have seen mine!  God has heard my hearts cry to understand and know His heart and I finally am grasping it and calling it mine!    

In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.  In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possission, the the praise of His glory.

Ephesians 1:11-14 

An Answer to the Why

I still get asked to this day about our Liberian adoptions ... some share their frustrations with not fully understanding what lies against us, some share their sorrow as they have given up hope for us and others remain in prayer for our children to come home.  I have been able to share the details to the corruption that lies behind the hold on our children.  However, I have never been able to articulate it so well.  Well, thanks to a dear friend who ran across an article ... this is what stands in our way.  The article will talk about UNICEF, however it isn't just UNICEF in Liberia, but Save The Children as well. 

Why do I share this?  Because you can make a small difference.  You may think twice about where your donations will go this year, and the purchases you make. 

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/red-thread-adoptive-family-forum/2011/dec/5/why-i-wont-buy-unicef-holiday-cards/#.Tt5fC34W9BH.facebook

It sickens me to think these organizations think that our children being raised in an orphanage, who have gone hungry for days, and haven't been held ...truly held, have been sick and without doctor care think they are better off than being in a home, where they can rest, be fully educated, have instant doctor care when needed, never go hungry and be held and loved by people who have already called them their own.  It truly sickens me, and breaks my heart. 

A Heart Like His

I have sought God about what to write on this blog, nothing came to me - until this morning when I was watching TV.  The host this morning had a guest who was an advocate for pets...specifically dogs and cats, which just brought out the passion on this matter in the host.  I knew then exactly what I was to say. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I LOVE animals.  Anyone who knows me will verify this fact.  Anyone who has been to our home has experienced our small zoo.  Even those who do know me don't know how much I am of my great-grandmother's who had a huge heart for our furry friends.  I see God in His creation...how creative God is to create such a variety, as well as the instinct and abilities in each one.  Amazing!  I also believe these creatures have been put on this earth for us to take care of.  But I believe animals are God's fun and creativeness not the center of His heart.  We, His people are.  And it is clear He has a special place for the fatherless and widows.

Sing to God, sing praise to his name, 

extol him who rides on the clouds -

his name is the Lord

and rejoice before him.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling.

God sets the lonely in families,

he leads forth the prisoners with singing;

but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.  

Psalm 68: 4-6

As I sat and watched these furry friends on TV, my heart ached for something much bigger.   I grew in frustration as I am constantly reminded of the neglect of animals, yet knowing that 153,000,000 children across the world have lost one or both of their parents needing a home, a mom, and/or dad - needing hope. 

So many people think of adoption when it comes to orphans.  Granted, children deserve a home, a mom and dad, a bed to call their own - hope and a future.  We all have it, why can't they?  However, I am fully aware not everyone is called to adopt, but we are all called to care for the orphans.  I have heard excuses such as "I wish we could, but it isn't my thing" or "I don't have the space for another child" or "I just can't financially do it".   And the result remains the same as we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye toward the huge need.  What if I told you that you don't have to have space for a child?  Or you don't have to offer one penny?  and what if I told you ... this is your thing, because God has commanded it on all of us? 

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: 

to look after orphans and widows in their distress

and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. 

James 1:27

Do you have a concern with all the news these days?  Do you wonder where our world is heading to?  Do something about it ... the future isn't in the dogs and cats we save, but rather the children you see on your block or in the neighborhood school or park.  The future is in the children that are on welfare, and the children who don't have to worry where they lay their head at night.  The future is those children in the cities as well as those out on the country farms.  The future are the children that are in Africa, Ukraine, China and here in the US.  Children are our future, and if you want to change the way our country is going ... INVEST in a life of a child.

But yet I hear, "How?  I have nothing to offer."  And that is where you are so wrong. 

Those of you who have a passion and a calling, and you clearly know God has laid it on your heart ... adoption is a key way to give hope to a child, and change the direction in that child's life.  Now is the time...there are boys and girls waiting for a home, waiting just for you.  Please see links at the bottom of this post.

Maybe adoption isn't fully what you are called to do, but have the room to bring a child in.  Have you considered fostering?  There are so many children who need the consistency a parent has to offer, yet don't have it.  So many counties need your help - call yours today.  (Adams and Denver county has the greatest need in Colorado.)

CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate).  Get to know a child or a family of children who have been pulled from their home, protect a child's rights and ensure their safety - be their voice in court.  http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm

Can you be a friend?  What about the big-brother/big-sister program?  The children signed up in this program seek help with their homework as well as a mentor in their life.  You have so much to offer, all your hobbies and talents will bring healing, knowledge and connection.  http://www.biglittlecolorado.org/

What about the single mom or single dad down the street?  Can you bring their children over to your home and play with them?  What a double blessing!  Not only can you touch the life of these children, but give the mom/dad a break!

Do you have extra newish stuffed-animals?  Take them to your nearest police station and donate them.  Why?  These officers have the hardest job - removing children out of unsafe conditions and bringing them to a new place.  These children are traumatized, hurt and angry.  A stuffed animal can be just the ticket to prove to the child that these officers aren't the bad guys!

Maybe you do have some extra money you can give.  I have listed some websites for you to consider donating to.  I also have some sites that you can sponsor a child through, and receive letters from your sponsor child...and even have the opportunity to visit!  But I encourage you to do more that write a check.  Even though these charities are in desperate need, it is easy to write a check ... get involved with the life of a child. 

http://www.addyshope.com/
http://www.adoptuskids.org/
http://www.hopefororphans.org/display.asp?page=home
http://www.icareaboutorphans.org/
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/
http://www.streetsofhope.org/
http://www.compassion.com/
http://theshepherdscrook.org/
http://www.watoto.com/home


That should be enough to get you started.

Get involved!  You will not only be changing a life of a child ... but I guarantee yours will be changed too!

Happy Birthday Our Little 4 Year Old!

Ruthie, I don't know if you even remember me, as you were only 1 when we met.  But it doesn't matter ... you are on our hearts, and you continue to remain in our prayers.  We are so thankful for you - the life God gave you, the joy you bring to those around you.  We are thankful that God does have a plan for you, and we will continue to pray that you will see the path set before you and choose to walk it.  It is Him that will make that path straight.  May your days to come be filled with so much joy, peace and favor.  We love you greatly!

So Thankful for You!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thess 5:16-18

Thankfulness was my topic in my Bible study today. The following statement hit me between the eyes:  "Not everything that happens in life is His will.  He didn't cause the crisis that an individual or a nation may be facing.  He actually cannot give things that are not good, because he does not have them.  God can give only good gifts because He is good, and He has only good gifts to give.  So giving thanks in everything does not mean that the adversity came from God.  But when you give thanks in the midst of an adverse situation, a difficulty that was intended to undermine your faith and even destroy you enables you to take hold of that situation and set it apart to God and His purposes."  Bill Johnson

What does that mean to me?

To this day I receive question after question about our children in Liberia.  No one understands.  What I understand and share doesn't make sense.  But in the back of their minds they question how God could allow these children to be raised in an orphanage. Some question if we heard right.  Some doubt.  Some condemn.  And I totally get it, because I have been in the same place. 

I have allowed anger, bitterness, and disappointment fill my heart and close parts of my heart from God.  But when I sit and ponder all that God has done through my life...the big things as well as the minor, God has proved Himself faithful and true.  He has never left me, and has continued to pour His love on me.  He continues to show His goodness in my life.  Bottom line, a good God doesn't do something bad and I have reason to be thankful in spite of Elijah and Ruth being here or not.

And that is where I'm at - a heart of thankfulness.  Thank you God for providing Elijah and Ruth a home, food and provision.  Thank you for keeping them healthy and well taken care of.  Thank you for the people who have been placed in theirs and our lives to give us connection.  I am thankful God, you have allowed me to go and hold them.  Thank you for the hope that you have shown us throughout the past four years as we wait.  Oh God, I so appreciate how you have held our hearts, wiped our tears away as well as theirs.  Thank you for not walking away from me when I have been bitter and angry toward you, but instead you held me that much tighter.  Thank you that I don't have to understand any of this ... but I can trust you know what is best and will take care of it all.  Thank you for your love for each of us.  Thank you for never turning your heart away from me and remaining so good.  Thank you, thank you and thank you for you...I love you so much.  I choose to be thankful as I have so much to be thankful for, and through it all I can see how big you are.  I open my heart fully to you, asking and receiving your love in all areas of my heart.  I give everything over to you completely, today and everyday.  No more hiding, no more doubt ... but rather my mind, heart and soul fully devoted to you - and thank you for receiving it always. 

So on this very special day I say THANK YOU GOD for all these things, and blessing our son with another birthday.  Thank you for being the perfect parent in His life.  This special day we celebrate the evidence of YOU in his life.

HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY ELIJAH!!!!!!

This Crazy Journey called Life - Part One

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much these days.  If I had to post a couple of weeks ago, I know it would have been a pretty depressing post.  I didn't know what God had for us, and felt so lost, as I have hidden the secret that the three children we thought were coming to our home are not.  I wondered if I am hearing God correctly as it was, and was afraid to hear comments from my readers as to "another adoption journey to an end" or even sense your judgement.  I felt forgotten and bruised from hitting another brick wall. 

I am also at that age where my girls are older, more self-confident (which is what we want for them), and wondering ... what is my purpose now?

I didn't want to hear every one's two cents.  I wanted to hear God and only God.

I have an addiction.  I look at children who need to be adopted constantly.  It seems that there was this panic inside of me, that I need to find the right child God has for our home.  The stress of "is this the one" constantly weighed on me. 

And then God showed up ...

First, I was shown sin in my life that I had to make right with God.  I had allowed the enemies lies in, and started to believe them.  I was constantly saying "I'm not hearing God", when the truth was; I was.  But I kept denying God, and believing what I was saying.  My life with God was quiet because I had chose it, not Him.  Repentance and forgiveness was in order.

And then I was able to hear God clearly...

God showed me a woman, who I have envied and became jealous of.  I couldn't even have conversations with this woman because of my jealousy.  You see, this woman started the adoption process at the same time we had.  Hers came together lickity split.  Ours is ... well, you know that story.  She had her family.  She went after what was on her heart, and had completion.  Her journey was hard, as she dealt with RAD and other issues that came into their home with the child.  She even gave me words of advice, that were negative and not encouraging because of the hardships she was dealing with.  She has had this child for over a year.  But now ... this woman has had to let this child go.  This child didn't work out in their home, and she is feeling really depressed over her loss.  I'm sure she has questioned everything.

God asked me "are you jealous of her now"?    And the truth is - "no, no I'm not".  I hurt for her.  I don't want to experience the pain she is in now, have all the questions that are running through her head or hurting as a mom of the disappointment it has left her other children.  No, I am far from jealous now. 

God gives us our stories.  God gives us our victories in the right time for them.  God gives us our break through, when we are ready to see Him as the One who is able.  God knows what we can handle, and knows what exactly we need to learn to equip us on the journey He has us on.  God loves us.  God protects us.  God knows us better than we know ourselves.  And God knows the bigger picture!

The rush I am on to get a child into our home in the way of adoption, has been tilted off.  I have discovered that God's ways are best.  He knows what child should be in our home.  He knows what family each orphan needs.  He is the perfect matchmaker.

I was also reminded from God, that He did not put "adoption" on my heart, but rather a little boy named Elijah on my heart.  Ruth became the added bonus.   I'm not to pursue adoption.  I'm not to pursue even Elijah and Ruth, as He has made it clear to let them go in His hands.  What I have learned is that I am to pursue Him.  So these past few weeks, as our posting has been non-existent, that is exactly what I've been doing.  Pursuing Him.  Finding Him.  Finding Peace.  Finding Love.  Finding Protection.  Finding a new passion in Him.  If He puts another child on our hearts He'll show us.  I can remain in confidence of that, as I am pursuing Him.

I have so much more to share of this journey I am on.  But for now, I'll let you ponder these words.  And give you your own chance to pursue Him. 

Time for a Get-Away

There is always a time when one needs to get-away. With the adoption journey we have been on, and the emotions of letting go, and the strong desire to reclaim our lives we took some time-out to do just that:   reclaim our family life. And what a better place to do it in, then Disneyland!

THE Call

Today was a bad morning...extremly bad.  I didn't have a nice thing to say to anyone, I'm ashamed to say.  The girls seem not to be making wise choices.  There is always one day like this when one parent is away.  I'm exhausted, as I am trying to do all the day to day stuff as well as getting ready to make my get-a-way.  The stress of it all isn't becoming on me this morning.  This just isn't a good morning.

Apparently the phone rang, because there is a message.

It's our social worker.

Apparently there are some children in the Colorado system who are in need of  permanent home as of yesterday.

After consulting Duane - I called.

I can't explain the knowing we have that these kids belong with us, but there is that knowing.  So many things have simply worked out.  Too many things I was hearing and sensing....all making sense now that it is exposed.

God's timing is perfect.  As we weren't excited about the timing of Duane's trip, but find that this is to be a perfect gift to be able to get restored and energized as we try to juggle a new transition in our home.

We have let go, and we can finally breathe again.  We have allowed God's leadership on this journey once again.

We casted our net.  We caught more than our fill, for God has abundantly filled it.

We are standing up to this calling, and I am doing it scared - but the odd thing is - I have found an over abundance of peace that fill both of us instead.

And as for our evidence of our double portion ...we are going from three kids to six.  Yes, that's right...three more kids are coming into our home!

This is the craziest ride we've been on with God.  But we're enjoying the ride!

We received an email from our social worker that said "Karen, I never get calls about children waiting in the foster care system.  The call came to me at my agency in __.  It was just so weird and out of the blue.  Very interesting!"

We think it is ... very God!