I'm sorry I haven't been posting much these days. If I had to post a couple of weeks ago, I know it would have been a pretty depressing post. I didn't know what God had for us, and felt so lost, as I have hidden the secret that the three children we thought were coming to our home are not. I wondered if I am hearing God correctly as it was, and was afraid to hear comments from my readers as to "another adoption journey to an end" or even sense your judgement. I felt forgotten and bruised from hitting another brick wall.
I am also at that age where my girls are older, more self-confident (which is what we want for them), and wondering ... what is my purpose now?
I didn't want to hear every one's two cents. I wanted to hear God and only God.
I have an addiction. I look at children who need to be adopted constantly. It seems that there was this panic inside of me, that I need to find the right child God has for our home. The stress of "is this the one" constantly weighed on me.
And then God showed up ...
First, I was shown sin in my life that I had to make right with God. I had allowed the enemies lies in, and started to believe them. I was constantly saying "I'm not hearing God", when the truth was; I was. But I kept denying God, and believing what I was saying. My life with God was quiet because I had chose it, not Him. Repentance and forgiveness was in order.
And then I was able to hear God clearly...
God showed me a woman, who I have envied and became jealous of. I couldn't even have conversations with this woman because of my jealousy. You see, this woman started the adoption process at the same time we had. Hers came together lickity split. Ours is ... well, you know that story. She had her family. She went after what was on her heart, and had completion. Her journey was hard, as she dealt with RAD and other issues that came into their home with the child. She even gave me words of advice, that were negative and not encouraging because of the hardships she was dealing with. She has had this child for over a year. But now ... this woman has had to let this child go. This child didn't work out in their home, and she is feeling really depressed over her loss. I'm sure she has questioned everything.
God asked me "are you jealous of her now"? And the truth is - "no, no I'm not". I hurt for her. I don't want to experience the pain she is in now, have all the questions that are running through her head or hurting as a mom of the disappointment it has left her other children. No, I am far from jealous now.
God gives us our stories. God gives us our victories in the right time for them. God gives us our break through, when we are ready to see Him as the One who is able. God knows what we can handle, and knows what exactly we need to learn to equip us on the journey He has us on. God loves us. God protects us. God knows us better than we know ourselves. And God knows the bigger picture!
The rush I am on to get a child into our home in the way of adoption, has been tilted off. I have discovered that God's ways are best. He knows what child should be in our home. He knows what family each orphan needs. He is the perfect matchmaker.
I was also reminded from God, that He did not put "adoption" on my heart, but rather a little boy named Elijah on my heart. Ruth became the added bonus. I'm not to pursue adoption. I'm not to pursue even Elijah and Ruth, as He has made it clear to let them go in His hands. What I have learned is that I am to pursue Him. So these past few weeks, as our posting has been non-existent, that is exactly what I've been doing. Pursuing Him. Finding Him. Finding Peace. Finding Love. Finding Protection. Finding a new passion in Him. If He puts another child on our hearts He'll show us. I can remain in confidence of that, as I am pursuing Him.
I have so much more to share of this journey I am on. But for now, I'll let you ponder these words. And give you your own chance to pursue Him.
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