Archibald Family

Archibald Family

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

My Prayer This Morning - Just Be Held

Yes Lord, that was me fallen on bended knee, weeping,  in the corner of my workplace yesterday when I heard your voice in a song fall over me.  Yes Lord, I'm in a desperate place.  And yes, I am questioning your timing with everything.  Yes Lord,  I'm filled with fear.  And yes, I'm ashamed to admit it.

You know the place I am in - more than I understand myself.  I didn't realize how much I have put on myself.  How I have even taken your role as God.  I excuse it with an excuse of not wanting to mess up in your eyes, when the truth is - lack of trust in you has rooted in.  It's time to come clean.  And it is time to let everything go and be held by you.

Just Be Held - Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong ...

I have felt so many eyes upon me, wondering if I could even hold it together.  I have also put myself in the role with the one who has all the answers and trying to persuade my children one way.  I have put myself as the encourager for my husband, rooting him on and giving him direction.  I have put the responsibility of bread winner on me as well, knowing full well I can't do it by myself.  I feel coworkers and management watching me, wondering if I can handle the weight of responsibility.  I have been trying to please everyone instead of pleasing you.  And I still long to please my parents with my successes.  Only to find I don't have any right now, and question how my parents could be pleased with someone like me.

But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on ...

We have hit zero.  Credit is limited.  A job in Duane's future is uncertain.  We have your words, promises and presence to hold onto - but haven't seen it come into fruition.  I question if you are quick to save ...  and how it is going to hurt when we fall.
Teenagers and young adults are full of attitude.  Selfishness reigns in our home.  I wonder if our feelings and hearts even matter to the younger generation, and if they even fully understand the demands that weigh over our heads.  Messes in our home seem appropriate, as we carry so many messes in our lives.
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control ...

I'm trying hard to control our circumstances, seeing how impossible it now is.  I'm even trying hard to control my feelings - experiencing the dam breaking and everything is now coming and rushing through:  fear, shame, disappointment, lack of love, hurt ...
I am drowning .. will you save?

There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go...

I choose freedom in you.  All the pressures, demands and control I've been carrying and holding - I just can't anymore.  It is so heavy and killing me, slowly.  I am suffocating and seeing everything fall as I try and juggle it all.  I'm laying it all down and asking you to be King over me and these things.  Let you be my Father and take care of me.  You take these things, I'm going to walk away from it all - and live.

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held...

I remember that day so long ago, when you picked me up and held me as you drew me into your lap.  You pulled my head against your chest.  I was happy, warm, safe and taken care of.  I choose to run into that place again and stay there.  I am accepted and loved by you.

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place ...

You know it feels the contrary.  But I choose to trust you and believe everything is falling into place as you direct it.  I hold onto these words as your promise over me.

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held...

I let it all go.  I will let you take control of all these circumstances.  I'll let you watch them and set my eyes upon the embrace of you, as I sit on your lap.  I choose your embrace over everything.

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still...

Yes Lord, I have wondered.  I have even believed that I have brought you so much shame and disgrace that your love has left me ... and instead left me with these trials I believe I so richly deserve.  You are in the storm, but you aren't the storm - my eyes weren't seeing clearly.  Remove all the cloudiness and let me clearly see you.  I'm sorry for blaming you.

But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will...

I still struggle with understanding and comprehending your everlasting love.  I forget that no matter what I do, you'll never stop loving me.  You aren't a God of shame.  I also know we have our natural consequences - so how easy it is to believe we deserve all this stuff we have been juggling.  But I have forgotten, even though we deserve our consequences, you have died on that cross so we can rise above it all.  You are merciful, compassionate and full of love.  I have forgotten exactly what your work on the cross was all about.  Today I will look through our storm and see the cross and know I am loved.

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands...

So many tears.  You've counted each one and I trust you have even wiped each of them away.  I look forward seeing the masterpiece you are making with the ashes of our storm.  You make all things good and I know fully you'll make us good, our family good, a good place for Duane to work, and my work place good.  And in your goodness I leave my life.

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go...

I praise you Lord with my whole being, with everything I am and everything I have.  I have found you in our storm, but choose to not lose sight of you anymore.  My eyes will be fixed on you.  And as you hold me in your lap, pressing my head against your chest I hear your heartbeat and find encouragement in knowing that heartbeat is for me.  In you I regain my strength and find rest.  You are the calm in our storm, and I choose you.  And if I let go, please don't ever let go of me.  You are my peace.  You are mine and I am yours.

(The song that brought me to my knees and brought me to Jesus - once again...