Moments In The Grocery Store

It was moments after the previous post that I started out on my day … ready or not.  But that day was different.  It was a day I was going to search, but yet "be still and know He is God".

I had a list that seemed a mile long of things to accomplish.  And with my family's help, kitchen cleaning was added to it.  And thanks to jet lag, my day started off early which made the "to do" list get accomplished faster.

I was at the store.  I ran into someone I knew.  And I discovered something about me … I didn't know what to say, I had difficulty maintaining the conversation … something that is NOT me.  But yet again…if it was someone different, would it be easier.  Perhaps.  Probably.  It didn't help that it was someone that was part of a family that I was deeply close to.  I was being guarded.

Unforgiveness showed it's self once again.  You see it was only two years ago we transitioned back to our home town.  I expected to be welcomed and cared for by so many, especially by this particular family.  And not only have we not been welcomed, but we feel forgotten and unloved by this family.  I has hurt, and I felt judged by prior issues that took place before our move.  I hadn't gotten over it all.  They were our extended family, people I have admired and chosen to be like, and people I deeply loved (which I have a hard time doing).    But that's it … they are people.  People who fall short, people with their inperfections and mistakes … people, just like me.

God showed me I need to let go of hurt and forgive those who offended me so I may be part of what is next to come fully.  There isn't any room for His plans and Him if I'm holding onto stuff that isn't of Him.  I must forgive.  Today, I chose to forgive.

The next aisle over an elderly man asked me where he could find the salt.  We walked over to and then which one should he get.  We talked, we laughed and I was able to encourage.

I may not know the direction I am going … but I do know, I must master forgiveness so there is more in the journey ahead.  .

 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  Colossians 3:13

When the Truth Hurts

Someone recently told me how I needed to turn toward God, and was reminded that without God my doom would await.

These words stung.  These words struck a cord deep within me. 

I have God!  I know God loves me!  I know who God is! 

I felt judged, condemned and not understood. 

I have remained distant from this person.  But no matter how distant I have been, the words still hurt. They hurt because I was not understood and even overlooked.  I, I, I ...

I attended my middle daughter's graduation breakfast at church this morning.  And in the midst of the pastor's talk, he put a verse up.  I honestly couldn't tell you what he spoke about.  Because my mind went with God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Matthew 22: 37-39

Our lives are full right now.  My husband is away.  We are getting ready to move back to California.  Part of my heart is still here.  My complaints of not connecting here, are not necessarily true ... as now I'm finding that I'm more connected than I realized and having a hard time leaving.  What my life looks like in California is uncertain.  Where we are exactly going to live is unknown.  My two daughters are staying here ... where I won't get to hug them, laugh with them and hang out with them as I have done over the years.  Our household has always been tight, now distance is starting to loosen those bonds.  My customers are struggling, and I'm struggling right along with them.  Our dream home is going to be in the past.  The home we have lived in the longest will be no more.  My middle daughter is graduating and has a whole new adventure before her ... and I'm holding my breath that my parenting skills worked.  She's not being tested, but I am.  The emotional connection I hold with her is like no other, and I don't know how I'll breathe without her across the hall.  Confidence is lacking.  My oldest reminds me daily of how I'm not needed in her life.  I know it is part of growing up ... especially with girls, but the words still hurt.  I feel responsible for not keeping the five of us together, but my mind reminds me that this day was coming ready or not ... I just had seen it so differently. Our house has yet to sell, cleanliness remains a daily task ... and is starting to take its toll on me.  Starting to separate our stuff into four different parts seems overwhelming.  Yard work is constant lately, as rain has been just as constant.  I hear the complaints from three hormonal teenagers ... everything that I don't seem to do right.  Encouragement is lacking from my life.  Hugs are a thing of the past.  Decisions are a moment to moment thing ... and now exhausting.  My brain is fried, heart is aching and physically I just ache.

I hear from Duane.  His life is full too.  Learning new things with his new job.  Being away from his family.  Not being part of graduation festivities.  Isolated from the things that our family continues to go on with.  He went from a year of no activity to a full blown life of demands.  Decisions remain constant with him as well.

I have always struggled as a wife too.  I have always seen my role to lessen my husband's.  He has enough to think about at work, life at home shouldn't be more of a burden than what he is already enduring.  Because of the role I have taken, he doesn't realize that when I hear his exhaustion, his frustrations, his complaints ... how personal it is to me, and a reminder of how I continually fail. I have done everything I can to take pictures and videos of last concerts, special events and such ... so when every gadget I have is out of battery because I was all day at work, and not thinking of plugging anything in ... I feel I let my husband down.  Again, the failure runs deep.  I'm not just a failure to myself ... but now to my husband too. (At least that is what I see.)

So.   My plate remains full.  I have excused my feelings and I have ignored them too.  I have become the complaint and even failure to the girls, and now to my husband.  I didn't realize I was taking all this so deeply.  No one did.  But God did.

So when someone told me to turn to God or there would be serious consequences, I didn't hear the truth but more of a reminder of another failure in my life.  The words hurt.  

And then I saw this familiar scripture.  Have I been loving my God the way I should?  No.  I have allowed the stress and demands lead my heart, mind and soul instead.  If I would place my heart, mind and soul on God and His goodness then these failures wouldn't exist.  If I focused on God and His goodness there truly wouldn't be else to see.  If I spent time loving my God ... I would not be concerned with the details of my life, I wouldn't have to focus on all the planning...but see that one of the reasons I have to love Him, is that He has everything under control.

I wouldn't have heard those words that hurt so much if I was loving others as I should have been.  That person would have not felt the shame, failure and question of self worth they are going through if I was loving them as God had called me to do.  They would have been built up, encouraged, heard, understood, appreciated - and loved.  If I would love them, distance wouldn't be a way of protecting one another, but instead a form of embracing. 

Perhaps there could have been more grace in the confrontation.  But truth is what it is ... I need God in my life.  Now.  Everyday.  And every moment of the day.  I needed that reminder.

So all the responsibilities I have put on me, my husband has put on me, my daughters have put on me, my employer has put on me, my coworkers have put on me ... they can not dictate my mind, heart or soul .. but instead I need to lead and focus on loving my God, and my neighbors ... the rest will fall right into place. And if I spend the time focused on God, He has all the rest.

This Big Light of Mine

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you:  God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

1 John 1:5-7

 

I was in my devotions this morning, doing my daily prayer and journaling.  In my quiet time, and in my desperation of wanting a change in so many areas of my life I read these verses. 

 

Repentance.  Something I need to do every minute of every day.  I came to the conclusion, as I still struggle with taking each thought of mine captive, that I need to take them captive and not allow them to create the beliefs that can overtake over my mind and spirit, separating me from not only my Savior but my family and friends.  I wonder how much my life would be different if I would just captivate my thoughts.  I repented.  And this morning I am thankful once again for his forgiveness ... not only his forgiveness but his purification.  And as I look out the window and see the snow that covers the ground, I am reminded my sin is covered as well, and it runs deep.  And in a few months the dead that is under that snow will show new signs of life and will spring up new colors ... I don't have to wait a few months, but can hold onto the new signs of life he will be doing in me today.

 

But I noticed something else in this passage.  "God is light, in him there is no darkness at all."  I have been looking at the turmoil in our lives and see that I have seen nothing but darkness.  Thus, I haven't seen God - because He isn't the dark, He is light.  I have chosen to see nothing but darkness and have been captivated at seeing nothing but. 

 

And so I repent again.  I have denied Christ in my own life, in my daily life.  I have been a hypocrite and I have been deceitful to those around me.  I haven't been living a life full of light, I haven't been mesmerized by his light.  I've looked at the darkness and allowed it to control me. 

 

Yes, bad things happen to people.  But it is our choice to see God in them.  His light can outshine the darkness, and remove it completely.  I choose today to look at His light and allow Him to outshine any circumstance I am in, any emotional heartache that seems to outweigh any truth, and I believe that the troubles of this world can and will bow to His lightness.

 

I sing this childhood song, much differently today ...

 

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Hide it under a bushel, no!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Don't let Satan blow it out!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Shine it through the neighborhood!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

Shine it until Jesus comes!  I'm going to let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. 

A Recovering Perfectionist!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed

to the likeness of his Son,

that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And those he predestined, he also called;

those he called, he also justified;

those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, neither height or depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God

 that is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-31, 35, 37-39

 

Life.  I guess I can use that old expression:  "God never promised me a rose garden".  Or "God never said life would be easy".  As we entered into 2014, I shared how I believe God was getting us ready for an abundance.  So when this past week hit, it took me off guard ... as it was far from an abundance.

 

The stress in our household remains high.  I can't share all the details of all we are under, but it is more than the normal.  And we all deal with this stress differently.  We have been walking in it together.  When one of us was struggling, the others walked with them through it.  It wasn't as rosy as it sounds, for many times it wasn't the image of walking hand in hand, but grabbing someone by the hair and pulling them through.

 

I remained in prayer.  I trusted.  I hoped.  And I waited.

 

One of our struggles just isn't getting easier, but affecting and disrupting the whole household.  We have become grumpy, bitter and resentful for this particular struggle.  I know ungodly attributes.

 

The one attribute that the whole Archibald family deals with is perfectionism.  Personally, I have allowed myself to make mistakes here and there, but I have a tendency to allow God's forgiveness reign over me, but I won't do the same and allow myself to experience the condemnation that I feel I deserve.  When I see that I'm doing it, I have to remind myself of who I am, and He is so much greater.  If He can forgive, so should I.  And I have found that in order to forgive, one has to also love.  Forgiveness and love seem to go hand in hand.  Why are they so hard?  They should be the easiest thing to do.  But they aren't.  It's just easier to judge and condemn.  I'm ashamed to say, but I fall into that trap easily, and more often than I like to admit.

 

Part of my perfectionism I see in levels.  It is easy to forgive that I messed up in a recipe and the bread didn't come out as it should.  Or it is a bit harder but still have the ability to forgive myself for not getting to work on time.  However, when it comes to the "big" stuff; like parenting - it is much harder.  To me, that is almost near impossible to forgive.  Do you find these levels too?

 

I tried to walk in the grace God gives daily, but something stumbled me big time.  

 

As I  ramble on and talk about so much, I'm just admitting that I have failed.  I have also taken on another persons wrong choices as my failure.  (But that is another post.)

 

This past weekend I admit that I believed the devil's lie ... "God hates me".  "He sees where I have failed, and is very much ashamed of me".  And with those lies, I literally felt life leave me.  Literally.  It was a very scary place to be.  I was in a dark and lonely place ... different from anything in the past.  It wasn't me.  Duane saw my lifeless face.  He had to ask me what I did, or what I took.  Nothing.  That was the truth.  I believed lies. And I chose my condemnation over the love and forgiveness of God.  Duane had to get Katie from work.  Courtney was assigned to watch over me.  I didn't understand why.  But I knew that without any life in me, there wasn't life to choose either.  Life had left, and so did any feelings and concerned.  With life comes truth, that wasn't there either.  Perhaps that is what scared Duane the most.  I continued to sit, as I literally couldn't move.  Courtney remained confused.  But then the most incredible thing happened.  In her fear, in her confusion, in her desperation she rested her hand upon my back as I sat.  And something happened.  The darkness fled and life started to restore.  And I felt love starting to win out.  It wasn't until yesterday that I asked her about this ... if she was praying or if she just rested her hand.  She was praying.

 

And with that God heard the prayers of the youngest, and answered.  He came and restored.  Today, I choose to believe that was just the beginning.  I experienced a vision.  Today I choose to lay my hand on those things that remain in our home that need to flee and ask God to bring life in them again, and allow love to pour itself in.

 

Yesterday, I asked God to reveal himself more to me.  I was still wanting evidence of His feelings toward me.  And song after song, soaked to the very core of me.  Peace washed over me as love revealed itself.  I saw condemnation and judgment of myself must go so I can receive my God's love fully.  I once again hold out to hope.  I heard a verse yesterday too, one of those familiar verses (written above), but it made me open my Bible and look at the verses that surround it.  And there was His promise and the answer for His love:

 

What can separate us from God's love?  Shall all this stress?  My parenting?  The reality of the death of Duane's job that provides for our needs?  The growing pains our household is under?  The tension between husband and wife as we handle our hardships differently?  The wonder of where we will be in the next few months?  The wonder if I have to leave a job I love so much?  The wonder if we can have the opportunity to be closer to a church we love so much?  The wonder if we can have a brand new start in or out of our home?  The wonder of when complete healing will take place for one of our family member?  The wonder of how unanswered prayers will be answered?  The wonder if God can fix all my mess-ups and make them even better?  And the wonder if we can be one again?  Can the desperation we are in separate us from his love?  Nope.  In spite of all these things, in spite of everything else that may come our way too, God has made us conquerors.  He has made me a conqueror.  Not one thing mentioned, not Satan or the demons that try to stumble me, and even the lifeless curses that come upon me ... not the fear of the future, and all our wonders of things to come, not even in our desperation ... None of this will separate me from the love of God!

 

I'm so loved!  And I'm so thankful I have that to hold onto.  That is enough for me.  Through his love, I can forgive myself.  Through his love, I can walk these struggles.  It is His love that will get me through our desperation ... and actually is the very cry of our desperation.