1 Samuel 17
Today finally was the day. The day I dreaded. I was sick yesterday and even hoped it would carry through to today, but it didn't. Today was the day I was facing my biggest giant yet.
When I was a child, I was learning how to do something and in the process I made a mistake. My instructor ran out of patience with me … can't blame them, as I'm not the easiest to teach, but still words hurt, the anger turned to be a lie of how stupid I was. It was that day I said I would never do that task ever again.
I signed up for a class a couple of months ago. I have been fearful, but had hid behind the grace of time. And during the time I prepared myself by going to some quick lessons. I look forward to the outcome as to what I am going to learn, but I was not looking forward to the actual process.
I came across my very first obstacle earlier this week, and it took some time to work it through, but I found someone to help. But as I went to practice this morning before class the obstacle returned. And that is when I had my tantrum. Through the anguish, as I through my hands in the air and let the tears come out, I realized how big the giant was that I was going to face.
As I threw myself against the wall and speaking all the words I believed as a child, I knew God was walking me through a life lesson that in the weeks to come I will accomplish.
We hear in church how fear is a liar. We sing about it, and it has become truth. We are taught to face our fears. The cowards, like the Israelites, don't face them at all and let the giants torment them constantly twice a day (1 Sam 17:16). And we are taught that once we face our fear, they have no control over us and we can be victorious and move on. When we are told this over and over again, it seems it is almost instantaneous.
Yet God is showing me it's a process. And it's the process that is the key.
There is a preparation that comes with the actual battle. I mentioned that I had some lessons. And I also did some practicing. I needed more of these, but still I prepared. So did David (1 Sam 17:34-37).
We say it takes a village to raise a child, well it still takes a village to come around us to conquer our fears. I noticed that I had my Mom who equipped me with tools for the trade and a team of people to train me. David had his dad … his dad sent him to the fields (1 Sam 17:15, 17-18).
I woke my daughter up in the wee hours of the morning, full of tears and pleaded for what knowledge she had to help me with the first obstacle I was to face. David's first obstacle was his brother (1 Sam 17:28). Like I have taught my girls, our words can bless or curse. Either way, what comes out of our mouths can not be taken back…so we are to chose wisely. I'm thankful my daughter chose to bless.
I had my husband, who rushed in after my tantrum, laid his hand upon my shoulders as I sobbed into the wall, stood there beside me as I tackled the obstacle once again. I knew he meant well, but the pressure and deadline that was quickly approaching I needed him to go so I wouldn't say anything I would regret. And it was me being sent, not him this time. However, I knew full well he was praying me on, and I know full well he knew exactly how big the giant I was getting ready to face was. And like Saul said to David, I knew as we parted ways this morning as I went to battle, Duane was there praying "may the Lord be with you", 1 Sam 17:17.
Driving, is my best time with the Lord. My mind was focused on what was ahead, but my ears heard the worship music, and my heart was instantly with God. Words like:
"Though the devil try to break me, my sweet Jesus won't forsake me, when I'm in my Savior's shadow, where I'm supposed to be"
"I have won, and I have lost, got it right sometimes and sometimes I did not, life has been a journey, I've seen joy and I've seen regret, Oh and you have been my God through all of it"
"God sent His son, they called Him Jesus. He came to love, heal and forgive. He lived and died to buy my pardon. An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone, because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives".
I was entering the battle field, but I wasn't entering it alone and I experienced the value of worship. David knew this fact too (1 Sam 17:45).
I was just a freckled face, long haired little girl with knobby knees and without much to offer. I was tackled that day by fear, chained by it for many years that followed. Today, I still see the same little freckled face little girl…hair a little shorter, and knees not as knobby … but feeling so small, just the same. I entered the first round on the battlefield. I came out bruised, shattered and teary eyed … BUT I'm still living. I remembered who I was, with the help of my husband and worship … and David knew who he was (1 Sam 17: 45-47). But more importantly I'm reminded it's me heading out to the battlefield … but the battle is not mine, it's the Lords! (1 Sam 17:47)
I knew today wasn't the day for it to be conquered as there are a few weeks left, but I also knew God was teaching me how to face my fear and I was to remember.