Embrace The Moments

"You don't know what you are asking,"

Mark 10:38a

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'"

Luke 23:34a

I have mentioned to you the place I have been in … loneliness I am now calling friend, which brings depression and sadness at times.  However, today I have seen the life around me … the housework that is begging for me to embrace and the little "to do"s that are on my list.  

I haven't had much motivation.  However, I have learned to embrace the season I am in.  But today I really embracing it.  

We live downtown in a city … BART is walkable, the grocery store is down the street and we are just a 10 minute walk to the center of town where the Farmer's market comes each week, the smells of many restaurants grab our attention, we can catch the newest release at the local theater, and shopping is at our fingertips.  We are a hop, skip and a jump from the on ramp to the freeway.  Life and it's busyness is all around us.    And yet … our little corner of the world seems to be a little country … critters and eggs to gather, a white fence and a gravel driveway, a little land to develop and a Ford truck.  It seems God has intertwined the country girl in me in the midst of city life.  And it works!

I have been searching for a job.  And I'm at that stage of life, I don't just want a job .. but something I can make a difference in, something I can have passion for and something I can believe in.  So looking for something just doesn't come easy … after all, God has always brought all of my jobs to me.  So yesterday, I let it go into God's hands and I have now embraced peace.

But today …. I haven't done much.  But what I have done is been reachable to the daughter who is trying to make her own decisions and share her frustrations.  A new little "critter" has come to stay .. and I was able to teach him how to explore his mansion we built for him.  My cat has been exceptionally social with me today .. giving, protective and loving, as if to say how thankful she is that I'm just around.  Creations have been started for my husband's birthday.  I'm home much more, so I am able to let the chickens out of their pen and spoil them with conversation and snacks and in return they have been very generous with their egg laying.  My husband may not walk in to a home cook meal, but he does walk in to a home full of peace.  I have labeled my not getting things done as laziness … but I just now have seen them as embracing my moments and the life I am in.  

I pondered the above verses in my head.  I know they are out of context … however, for me, it goes to show that God knows more than I.  I think I want a job, then He shows me to wait, be still, and embrace the moments I am in.  Now I think I don't want a job.  It is fair to make the observation "I don't know what I am asking" … because I don't know what to ask.  However, I do know I want to be in His will.  

I am thankful that Jesus, in his final breath asked for forgiveness for this very season I am in … of not knowing what I am doing.  Because Lord knows, I have been so angry, so condemning, so lost that I needed every ounce of forgiveness I could receive.  

So I will wait.  I will embrace.  I will enjoy the critters that surround me.  I will be thankful for the joy they bring, and see that God has allowed me to be me in the midst of it all.  And I will embrace the season I am in. 

Loneliness is not my friend … Embrace is.  And through embrace I have found peace and comfort.  

God I am thankful for You, and how You have been speaking to my heart!

Life on the Other Side of the Fence

April 30, 2014 was Duane's last day at work, as he was laid off from a large, respectful company.  He needed a break, and we prayed God had that in His plans.  And we have always had a knowing seeded deep within that God had this all in control ... the next job would come.  We had hoped that after a couple of weeks Duane would be back at it, and we could pocket the sizable severance pay ... and pay off some bills while we were at it.  We had hopes and dreams.  And if we could have a nice vacation towards the end of the year, that would be the added bonus.

Today ... three and a half months later, Duane is still in that time off mode.  We have gone through the struggles of finding each others roles, as well as the confusion it has brought to the girls as I am now the one at work, and Daddy is the go to person.  Duane has the agenda of what is going on, but not as detailed as I would like ... and I am clueless as the coming and going of the activities in the household (if it isn't on the calendar).  Duane is the fix-it minded, goal oriented, head to the grind-stone type of guy having a summer with the emotions of four women, drama of high-school girls and watching his wife come and go with joys, struggles and exhaustion of work.  The other side of the fence looks doesn't look as "easy" as he once thought it to be (whether he admits to it or not). 

I continue to go to work.  I experience good days and bad.  My energy is taken there, and there isn't much left for home.  The joy I once had in the kitchen seems so far, so long ago.  I don't have much time with my girls, and feel at a loss because of it.  Being the caregiver and encourager I once was as I sent everyone on their ways and had things ready for their return seems to be at a loss as well.  This other side of the fence is foreign for me and I would so rather be back on my own side.

Duane and I have always had the traditional, "old-fashion" roles.  He went to work, he was the provider and I was the nurturer and home maker.  This summer we have learned to respect one another roles in a whole new way.  I think we have learned our lesson and we are ready for our roles to revert back once again. 

Yet ... the wait continues.

Duane gets leads.  He submits his resume.  We wait.  And for the most part ... the society for what it is ... we never hear a thing.  There is only one company that has given us the courtesy of a polite rejection letter.  Duane has submitted over one hundred resumes now.  And we continue to wait. 

I have been torn.  I have learned to wait on the Lord in all this, as my eyes have been waiting for a phone call or email to come through ... and I would find God in all that.  But instead my eyes have learned to focus on Him and all the rest would align itself. 

But now today, there is a new level of anxiousness and a new level of want.  I won't lie, there are days that you can't help but wonder "has God forgotten us?" ... and I just have to turn and extend my hand out to Him and know He is there holding it.  He tells us to trust, and we try ... some days are easier than others.  Today is hard.  I remember the list of answered prayers, and how God has seen us through each trial time and time again ... and then I'm reminded this will be like the rest.  God will answer.  God will answer. 

I have daydreamed and thought of moving across state, as that seems the only way we can see the country we live in.  I have surrendered and have even become excited at the possibilities.  I have surrendered to the thought of us having to move back to the state that was once called home, and have tried hardest to embrace it.  I have pleaded with staying in our beautiful home, that is decorated to our liking and have discovered a new side of me as I hike the great outdoors.  I have accepted it all ... to move or not, coming and going ... willing to do whatever God wants. 

Yet that is the question.  What is God doing?  What does He want?

So we wait.  We continue life on the other side of the fence for now.  Tension comes and goes.  We wait on the Lord.  And battle the thought of God forgetting about us.  And we wait. And we pray the waiting will come to an end ... quickly.  And I hold onto that deep seeded knowing, God this too all in His control.