Rock Bottom

Tonight I put my fingers back on the keyboard and search out my heart, and be as transparent as ever with an audience I don't know … and perhaps an audience that doesn't exist - but the One that I need to start writing to once again.    This is the second night that I just can't sleep … and thoughts continue to run through my mind.  Thoughts of where God has me, thoughts questioning me and challenging me, thoughts that are difficult to share. 

The phrase "rock bottom" comes to my mind.  And I searched as to the meaning of it.  It often is referred to those who have somesort of addiction and they hit their lowest point possible in life and can't get any lower than where they are at due to their illness.  Another definition refers to be in a hopeless or difficult situation which makes you feel very depressed.  

That is where I feel I'm at.  I have hit my rock bottom. 

What do people do when they hit their rock bottom?  The internet suggests: 

1. Let yourself feel.
2. Take the time to reflect.
3. Have faith.
4. Be self-compassionate.
5. Engage in creative outlet.
6. Spend time in nature.
7. Listen to music.
8. Try new things.

And that is where I am at - at least some of them, and am doing it naturally.  I'm finally allowing myself to feel and sort through.  I'm trying to stand on what faith I have and hopefully it will grow through all this.  And as I write to you I hear my "prayer playlist" playing in the background.  

What does all this mean?  What am I getting at? 

No I don't have an addiction.  

But I feel I have hit rock bottom.  Duane and I have been enduing more than our fair share in a short amount of time.  We have pressed through.  And we are surviving.  Which means we are making it through.  Because of the circumstances, we have shared some but unable to share it all.  Our world has made it so we can't.  So we don't.  And many have walked away because the weight of it all is so heavy and frankly it is easier to just walk awy from it all. 

But someone like me … who needs to talk and process things outloud makes it hard to heal - and even hear from God when no one is there to just be a soundboard. 

As we go through the trials we are in, it is all wrapped in a name …that of lonliness.  We have our connections.  But do we have someone to call and talk to?  Do we have someone to hang out with?  Do we have someone to explore with?  Do we have someone to try new things with?  Do we have someone who will hold us accountable and pray with us as we walk the intimacy of these trials?  Not really.  We have held this wrapping for so long … I'm actually done with it.

I have hit my rock bottom. 

The thing about being at your rock bottom is that no one can bring you out of it.  There is only one - and I know Who that is.  I'm thankful that I have never left You far enough that I have to find You.  Or maybe I have. 

I don't know where it started … maybe the stress, the unknowing, the helplessness I have had when my dad was placed in assistant care for his Parkinson's   I honestly have feelings built up in this area that has been shoved in … because well, I have heard it isn't about me.  So I focus on his illness.  I focus on how my mom is handling it all and do whatever I could do to help … always feeling it wasn't enough.  I have focused on my daughters as they haven't dealt with a loss so close - at least one they remember.  

When I would visit my dad, he would mention others and didn't seem to have the same fondness for me as I have for him.  My dad means so much to me … and yet, as he has deteriated over the past year and a half I question as to what I mean to him.  My confidence has waivered. 

His situation only worsened as the world was shut down to the pandemic and then wildfires relocated him - which caused him bed sores so bad, surgery was the only solution.  And yet as I held my breath as I wonder if we would see each other again, he fought through it all.  He has been quarantined twice due to being in contact with those with covid, and just recently with another disease that was running through the facility.  And everytime he remains unaffected physically.  Yet he questions why we don't visit, and thinks we have moved on without him, and wonders about the love that covers him from his family.  His love for his wife runs deep.  Deeper than I have ever experienced.  I am grateful to see, and honored for the foundation I was built upon.  Yet, my confidence of his love for me continues to waiver. 

My heart feels lost.  I don't know how to show or express my love to him.  I want him to know how much I adore him.  Now today his mind is away - and I don't know where I am in his picture.  And it scares me.  It hurts.  And causes a lonliness that can't even be described.  

My mom started having some accidental falls after she had her knee replacement.  Concern filled my heart and I have tried to take the responsibility a child should offer ones parents.  My job had it's own demands and made me not the "best daughter" in the world, but I tried to make that 2 hour drive at least once a week.  It was at the very end of April that I heard of a bad fall that caused her to break her arm and I ran right down when I heard.  I made sure she had food and had a game plan; and was willing to be part of that plan if needed.  And then it was just a week later that I hear that she has fallen again - knocking herself out when her head hit the piano, waking to a pool of blood.  Eighteen staples was needed.  

I'm still worried about my mom.  She is all I have when I think of my extended family.  And we have gone through so much.  I have thought about her living with us - but know we don't have the ability in our home, and to give her a safe place without stairs.  Sometimes I'm mad because I have to deal with this - because I don't see her as old enough to need this care.  But most of all I'm trying to be the best child I can be and care for her - and because of my circumstances I am not even doing that. 

Last year, Duane has endured some medical issues.  Something that remains unspoken - completely   Something that we both have had to walk together.  Something that isolates us even more and something that has been a trial in our marriage.  As I tried to drift off to sleep with him tonght I know that part of our hearts are not dealing with the situation.   Ignoring it seems to be the easiest thing.  But is only a time bomb ready to go off to create devestation.  But it has made me so insecure - because lets just face it; men and women are so different.  He thinks with his mind, and I think with my heart and we just don't fully grasp one another. 

And then me.  Nothing too major.  Two concussions - within a matter of five days.  Something you would think would be easy to get over.  Fear has gribbed me as Alzeimer's has been spoken into my life for my future.  The seriousness of how I can not have anymore accidents or falls has paralized me.  The doctor says to rest for two months.  I have lost all freedom of driving and even walking by myself.  I'm thankful that my husband has been there to hold onto and for his extended hand of protection .. but also hate depending on him.  The symptoms that haven't left is frustrating because it has been so long.  I feel I have judgment from those who doubt it all - I wish they could see the world tilted in my eyes.  I am nauseous frequently because of the unbalanced motion of the world.  My home is my safe place.  I just found that I don't have cancer in the brain - and the thought they were even looking for that!  I wait for the specialist for another 1 1/2 months.  Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments, vitamin B, a machine to get all the bad stuff out of my water, and rest fills my days.  I'm ready for normalcy.  

And tonight I reach out to you because I can't hide the emotions anymore.  I have hit the point so low that depression does greet me with welcome arms.  I long to just run.  I long to run away from California.  I long to run away from my church.  I long to run away from everything I know.  

I keep remembering that we know You are good.  Yet I think of all that I'm walking through and ask myself - Do I believe You are good  - even though you are gradually taking my dad?   Do I believe You are good - even though my mom continues to have falls and now is facing surgery?  Do I believe You are good  - even though I have been put in a silent room with an illness that hurts a husband and wife?  Do I believe You are good - even though the world is unbalanced through my eyes and not better yet?  Do I believe you are good in the isolation?

So tonight, as I reach my rock bottom, I searched to see if you have anything to say about the matter … 

    That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When the floods came, the water tried to wash the house away, but it could not shake it, because the house was built well. 

Luke 6:48

It has been around 34 years now that I have chosen you in my life.  I have built that foundation on a rock. The floods are coming, and doing everything to wash all that I have away.  But today I stand on You - my Rock and can stand in confidence the choice I made 34 years ago will get me through this these days and these trials.  I hate to say that my rock bottom, can even get more rockier … but I choose you to be the Rock that greets me in it all.  

The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Savior.  My God is my rock.  I can run to him for safety.  He is my shield ad my saving strength, my defender. 

Psalm 18:2

God, I confess to you I want to run.  I want to take things in my own hand.  Tonight you grab my attention as you won't let me sleep - and I reach out to you and see that I need to run to You - not away.  I've been grumbling about all that has hit us.  I'm thankful for the lives that you have put into mine.  I'm thankful that you have not isolated me.  I am thankful that my parents are with me and You have drawn my mom and I closer than we have ever been.  I am thankful that my husband and I are able to hold hands more than ever.  I am thankful that our love remains and how You have proven that the greatest is Love. I am thankful that when I opened this blog that as been neglacted for so long that an unposted message greeted me and refocused my direction.  I am thankful that through this time of waiting for "normalcy" I have the opportunity to seek you even more.  

So are You a Good God?

You have remained.  You are faithful.  You make ALL things good and use even the brokeness to your favor. You heal.  You redeem. 

You are Good! 

Embrace The Moments

"You don't know what you are asking,"

Mark 10:38a

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'"

Luke 23:34a

I have mentioned to you the place I have been in … loneliness I am now calling friend, which brings depression and sadness at times.  However, today I have seen the life around me … the housework that is begging for me to embrace and the little "to do"s that are on my list.  

I haven't had much motivation.  However, I have learned to embrace the season I am in.  But today I really embracing it.  

We live downtown in a city … BART is walkable, the grocery store is down the street and we are just a 10 minute walk to the center of town where the Farmer's market comes each week, the smells of many restaurants grab our attention, we can catch the newest release at the local theater, and shopping is at our fingertips.  We are a hop, skip and a jump from the on ramp to the freeway.  Life and it's busyness is all around us.    And yet … our little corner of the world seems to be a little country … critters and eggs to gather, a white fence and a gravel driveway, a little land to develop and a Ford truck.  It seems God has intertwined the country girl in me in the midst of city life.  And it works!

I have been searching for a job.  And I'm at that stage of life, I don't just want a job .. but something I can make a difference in, something I can have passion for and something I can believe in.  So looking for something just doesn't come easy … after all, God has always brought all of my jobs to me.  So yesterday, I let it go into God's hands and I have now embraced peace.

But today …. I haven't done much.  But what I have done is been reachable to the daughter who is trying to make her own decisions and share her frustrations.  A new little "critter" has come to stay .. and I was able to teach him how to explore his mansion we built for him.  My cat has been exceptionally social with me today .. giving, protective and loving, as if to say how thankful she is that I'm just around.  Creations have been started for my husband's birthday.  I'm home much more, so I am able to let the chickens out of their pen and spoil them with conversation and snacks and in return they have been very generous with their egg laying.  My husband may not walk in to a home cook meal, but he does walk in to a home full of peace.  I have labeled my not getting things done as laziness … but I just now have seen them as embracing my moments and the life I am in.  

I pondered the above verses in my head.  I know they are out of context … however, for me, it goes to show that God knows more than I.  I think I want a job, then He shows me to wait, be still, and embrace the moments I am in.  Now I think I don't want a job.  It is fair to make the observation "I don't know what I am asking" … because I don't know what to ask.  However, I do know I want to be in His will.  

I am thankful that Jesus, in his final breath asked for forgiveness for this very season I am in … of not knowing what I am doing.  Because Lord knows, I have been so angry, so condemning, so lost that I needed every ounce of forgiveness I could receive.  

So I will wait.  I will embrace.  I will enjoy the critters that surround me.  I will be thankful for the joy they bring, and see that God has allowed me to be me in the midst of it all.  And I will embrace the season I am in. 

Loneliness is not my friend … Embrace is.  And through embrace I have found peace and comfort.  

God I am thankful for You, and how You have been speaking to my heart!

The Missing Puzzle Piece

My daughter loves puzzles.  Ha!  So do the cats!  Thus the reason she can't get her big 9000 peice puzzle out, or the cats will have ever piece under the couches, chewed on or just all over the place.  Sometimes we end of with one piece of a puzzle in another's box … or I'll just find a loose piece that got missed getting in the box.

I feel like that missing puzzle piece.  I feel like I am a step behind and just gets forgotten to get in with all the rest or I just don't fit in.

Perhaps it's my age and all that's on our plate.  I never felt old until this winter.  I injured my foot six weeks ago and I still have a lot of pain.  Doctors can't seem to do anything, so I continue with my chiropractic care which is helping … just not fixed.  I'm used to getting injured and being healed in a matter of a few days.  And then this year with all the illness' that are going around.  First I got bronchitis and then the flew.  I'm still not 100% better.  

Finances are a bit out of control in our household.  We are getting caught up like everyone else from the holidays, and trying to save what we can for an upcoming wedding.  We also have medical bills from an ending of a hard 2017.  Normal stuff … nothing unusual.  I mean other family's have it much worse.  But I like things just so, and they aren't.

Our marriage is like everyone else.  Duane works, comes home tired and then puts what energy he has into the house.  We have spent a lot of money in our past in counseling and we know our strengths and weaknesses and how to meet the other's needs.  But yet we stick to our stubborn ways and focus in the worlds we see and currently aren't meeting one another.  We are strangers.  I'm not worried about our marriage, because we always come back together again.  It's a normal thing … normal.  Yet, again, I like things just so and they aren't.  I really love my husband and think the world of him.  I need him now more than ever.  I need to know the extra weight, the starts of grey hairs aren't an issue with him.  And I need to know that he isn't going to reject me like the rest of the world.  Insecurity is still an issue at forty something.

My faith.  I have it.  I'm not hearing a lot from God latley.  I figured He is seeing how I don't fit in like I do … and doesn't want to talk.  But then I remember the God I have, and that isn't His character and figure it is me that isn't doing what I'm suppose to be doing to hear.  I'm not positioning myself in the right manner, or I haven't sought forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I have.  I don't know.  I'm sure it's me…somehow it's me.  Perhaps I need to repent again.  However, I feel like I'll ever get to talk with him because there is so much to repent of.  

I have stepped down from a job that I was so on fire for - well, the roots of the foundation, the heart of the founder.  But I can't seem to find those roots and the heart at the store I was at, and there was so much drama, and the fact in got in the way of my family I chose to leave.  I listened to my husband and my mom and I chose to step away.  Now I'm looking for a job that fits our life, and I am starting to take it personal that no one wants a forty something woman.  

When we lived in Colorado there were so many times I wished we were back "home" in California.  I missed my friends and the friendliness of California.  Now we're here for the past two and a half years and the only thing we have going for us is the closeness of my parents and the possibilities in our new church.  I wish we lived back in Colorado now just so I can have our whole family together … and maybe my husband wouldn't be so absorbed with his work and commute and he'd have time for me and remember how to meet my needs.  And I would remember how to meet his.  I also know now California's relationships have come to a close.  My friends have their own lives, and they have moved on without me and I without them.  

On top of it all.  I have a birth father who sent a Christmas card wanting a "slow relationship".  He's in his seventies … I'm in my forties.  I don't think you can get much slower.  He has come and gone, and I've seen him a handful of times.  I'm nice, and I give him my phone numbers.  Yet here we're approaching the end of the month and not one call.  I hold my breath each time the phone rings.  And truthfully … I have forgiven him, and have been thankful things have ended up the way they did because I have the best dad in the world.  I don't need a relationship with him, but am willing to help him out.  Yet … I already feel rejected.  Again.  I don't think I could deal with his rejection once more.    Abandonement.  It brings so much baggage.  Not feeling good enough is the biggest fight I have dealt with all my life.  Once I think I have conquered it, the lie is there to taunt me all over again.  I know God says I am good enough and He had created me for a purpose and a plan … but people hurt his creation.

And home.  My house is a mess and I know how to fix that!  Yet I don't.  Maybe it's the lack of energy from being so sick.  Maybe it's the emotional baggage of missing the closeness of my husband and not being good enough for my father.  But my girls seem to remind me that I am able to clean up after their messes … yet I chose more for my life.  I should be honored, but I'm not.  I want to be looked at as more. 

My last post was titled "Let's Be Real" … perhaps this one should have been.  Life sucks sometimes and right now it does.  I feel lost.  Alone.  Forgotten.

I need God to find me and put me on the path He has for me.  

I'm waiting.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And even though life sucks right now … I will pray - again.  I will rejoice for everything is good.  And I will give thanks.

So Here We Go …

I don't know why I am doing this, another blog.  I mean I have another, and who is going to read this blog anyway.  But I felt prompted by God to do it.  Who knows, perhaps it is just to see God use me and grow me.  I'm one of those tangible, hand's on learners and I must see evidence and be reminded of it from time to time.  And this is a bit of a journal for me to turn to from time to time.  And perhaps starting another blog, is just where I'm at in life … starting with a blank slate, no history and an unknown of where it is  going to go.

It's been not a full 48 hours since my husband and I walked back into our home from a trip to Italy.  A trip of a lifetime, and I knew that when I walked into the house from that trip everything was about to change for me.

See I had been working, and my last day was just before we left for Italy.  It was something I had to do, something that God was directing my husband and I to do.  We both don't understand it, but taking a step out on faith.  We already see some positives coming out of it.  But let's face it … what am I to do now?

I woke at 2:30 this morning, partly because of jet lag, but another part because my husband was heading back to work and I was faced with "Now What?".  My mind going rapid, my heart questioning everything, and another part of it not wanting my husband to go.  Perhaps some fear is hiding around the corner, but I trust God is about to do something crazy, and I'm in it for the ride.

Walking through the streets of Rome, something set a fire in me.  My faith was a bit "bored", if you will.  Picking up the Bible was something that didn't drive me as much as it did, other than finding a verse or two from time to time.  But knowing Paul's heart to go to Rome and preach the gospel came alive for me.  Seeing the vendors outside the temples, and the corruption stirred something within, and understanding the anger of Jesus when he upturned the tables became alive.  There's more to going to church, more to even just knowing the scriptures … but a deep relationship with Jesus is what brings joy, hope and love.  And that frankly is what our world needs to know.

God is bringing me close to Him and to use me, and this is the First Day of the Rest of my Life to surrender and allow him to do just that.  I just don't know how He can use someone like me.  And yes, there is a little doubt when making that statement … after all, I'm a 40 something woman, uneducated (at least in the college field), a wife and mom of three young, beautiful, strong young women.  The world says that I'm not qualified, but have you ever had that excitement, like the night before Christmas, and a knowing in your spirit that something is about to happen?  That's exactly how I feel right now.

I have waken with the inability to move, and a few kinks in my body because I'm a crazy cat lady and the three cats we have missed us something fierce and won't literally leave my side.  And as crazy of a cat lady I am, I know the rest of my life will be partly with them.  They bring me calmness, peace and joy.  But I also know looking at them, the rabbit and chickens we have there is even more to this life.  But I also know as I look at them there is a simpleness I embrace, and God is there within.

I have a love for the kitchen.  Not the cleaning part, but the cooking and creating part and especially the serving to those who come around the table part.  I love how the comfort of food can bring the family and friends together.  How conversations and hearts are shared over the creations that come from the kitchen.  I love that each of my girls also show passion in this area and we can draw together even more.  I have always had this passion, but it took it's back burner as I went into the working world, but it is the one thing that I am utmost excited about getting into.  And I'm 100% positive that cooking is part of the Rest of my Life.  And I'm almost certain God is going to be using this passion for whatever He has next.

So that's it.  I have no clue as to what is next for me, I'm a simple homemaker, who is still searching as to what purpose I have for the Rest of my Life, and I'm allowing you, whoever you might be, to come along side with me, and perhaps even take this adventure together.

Through Loss … I see I Have Gained!

I had a huge scare that started this past Tuesday.  Some of you it is no big deal … but to me it was HUGE.

I lost my Bible.

I am a woman of routine and I looked through all the spots that it could have been and then all the spots that it would more likely not be.  We were in a rental car this week, and I had my husband search the car.  It wasn't there.  Then as any woman would do, I went to look through it … even twice, and even a third.  It wasn't there.  It was officially lost.

I had it Sunday.  We had an event at church where 26 people were baptized!  We had a celebration, and had lunch at the church.  Could I have left it there?  Possibly.  But I thought I remembered carrying it throughout.  

We just started attending this church a little over a month ago.  We have been in a season of Lack - connection, identity and even it began to pull on our hope and caused hurt and pain (that we are still working through).  I began to question if God even cared where we worshipped.  It has always been laid on our heart to be part of our own community.  I can't explain it, but the pull on our heart is GREAT.  We know with all our being that this was put on our heart by God himself.  This church is walkable, and I can't explain how surprised we are to find exactly what we have been looking for - and in our backyard!  

I remembered a few months ago, that my Bible was collecting a bit of dust (at least in my eyes).  Yes, it would be picked up for church and I would fumble through the pages in the sermon.  I would even pick it up on occasion to find a verse that was in my mind.  But the actually reading of the Book, I just was too tired to do so, and was frankly a bit bored with it.  When I realized this attitude that was within me, I prayed that my hearts desire would change and I would long for my Bible again.

Ever since we moved I have longed for an in depth Bible study.  I would find women's get togethers but not a study like I had longed for.  I was even willing to lead one if that is what it took … but then the issue would be "who would come".  Hopelessness started to wear it's toll on my heart in this area, and I started to just accept how we have to make the church more inviting and "friendly" to woman and connect differently.  I accepted it, but missed my studies where God became real and even more powerful that I have known Him to be.   I never prayed about it.  I guess I figured God knew what He was doing and it was time for an "update" for my longings in the area of a women's study.

Courtney came to me and asked if I would do a Bible study with her.  She wanted to learn more about the pages she was reading, and understand its meaning.  My heart soared.  I borrowed a Beth Moore study from the church we were going to, and we have been in the word ever since.  I have been doing bits and pieces of my study and work, and when I'm looking up my scriptures I use my app on my phone.  But Tuesday night I wanted to open the actual pages, hear the crinkle of them when I turn them, smell the pages, read the gazillion notes and perhaps even add to them.  But it was no where to be found.

Wednesday morning on my way to work, I stopped by the church that was still unfamiliar to me.  I greeted those who greeted me with a smile, and asked if my Bible was found.  After giving a description and us looking at all the possibilities it was just not to be found.  My heart just sank.  But I was invited to cooperate prayer that evening … I mean it was a genuine invite.  And it was refreshing to receive.

I arrived to work, and this particular day I was my happy self, but just deeply saddened inside.  I never knew how attached I had become to this Book.  I remembered the dates of dedications and baptisms that were in there.  I thought back and realized that this was my very first study Bible that my husband helped me pick out.  It has to be 25 years old.  That means there are 25 years of notes in the margins and highlighted verses.  I might not know what my Bible references are, but I knew where to find them on the page in my Bible.  There were ripped pages, and tear stained pages.  It is this Bible that I would read scriptures that would leap of the page at me, and help me realize that the God I have is a loving, gracious companion and has everything under control.  This Book brought me hope in the times when I felt hopeless, encouragement when I was down, and offered prayers when I didn't know what to say.  I found many answers in this Book.  I also took it for granted.

I realized yesterday my Bible had become more to me than I ever imagined.  My Bible had become a long time friend.  My Bible was my lifeline.  And now it was lost.

I had even prayed that I was willing to let it go, if it would make another's life richer.  But my heart still broke within.

With all the demands of work and errands, I still felt prompted to go to prayer.  I didn't understand why I was prompted, and even questioned if I heard the prompting right.  Afterwords, I saw someone I knew and I told her that I was a bit down as I had lost my Bible.  She helped me look one more time. The usual places.  And I saw some people that had smiles on and hearts of warmth and would greet me in my search.  Genuine people.  Happy people.  I even ran into the pastors, and they would keep their eyes out, and gave me encouragement - except when they were empathetic, which only made me realize more of what I was missing.  Upon my leaving, another pastor came in our path, and the lady mentioned about the loss of my Bible.  He had saw it.  He picked up something that wasn't it, and my heart sank even lower - and he looked in an unusual spot … and then handed me my Bible!  I hugged him, as I hugged my Bible.  

This morning I look at my Bible and know the comfort and strength I have because it is near to me, and I have it available to go to.  Yes, I could have used the other Bibles in the house, but they weren't enough for me.  This Bible and me go way back and we have taken many journeys through valleys and mountain tops together.  

It was through this journey that I realized God hears my deepest prayers, the prayers that I would call even the silliest prayers.   God made me long for my Bible and made me see the value within the pages and made me see even the value I have with Him through these pages.  

And within the last 48 hours I have seen that God has answered the deep cries of my heart.  There are crevices that I would cover, thinking they weren't necessary to bring to God.  But God has shown me through Bible study, through a new church, and the journey to recover my Bible He cares about the little stuff and the spiritual walk we are on.  I'm so thankful He does!

It's Time To Get OUT Of That Couch!

We have three cats.  Mine, Courtney's and Katie's.  When we moved to Colorado, it was the same time Katie was moving into CSU…dorm living, which meant her cat had to remain with us.  Zelda (Katie's cat) didn't have a person anymore.  My heart bent toward her, and I felt sorry for her having to not only transition the 1200 miles drive but without a person.   We became close and she became used to living under my favor.

The cats get a long for the most part, there are times when they let each other know they want to be left alone or they just don't want to play.  Over the past couple of years, Zelda had been claiming me and my cat (Zoe) didn't accept that well, and at times has made it clear to Zelda that I'm hers.

The past few months.  Zelda has come out of her shell and become the cat she is.  She is comfortable to roam around and do what she wants … even if the other cats are annoyed with her.  It's actually a good thing to see.  We have seen her live in freedom of being who she is and freedom of living under our favor.  It has brought me great joy to watch her scamper around, or cuddle near me.

Until.

Katie moved back home a couple of weeks ago.  She brought a cat with her.  A cat that is still young and wants to play all the time….rough and tumble kind of play.  It is the size of Zelda.  And to make matters worse, it's a boy.  We have been living in a house full of hissing and scolding.  The water bottle is always near by to remind the new cat that he has to be nice to the other cats.  My cat knows her place, and walks around comfortably because she knows she has the authority to put the new cat in his place if necessary.  She walks in her authority and her confidence.   Courtney's cat doesn't like this new cat.  And she'll let out a blood curdling cry when the cat is even near her, and is constantly hissing at him.  She will go to where she wants to, skittishly, but still knows this is her home and she belongs here and knows she is loved.   She walks in love and the a knowing of what is hers.

And then there is Zelda.

We haven't seen much of Zelda the past couple of weeks.  I'll get her in our room at night and she'll come up on my bed in the morning (not during the night, as she used to).  She still comes out for her breakfast, but will hide shortly after and not eat for the rest of the day.  She has lost weight.  I have discovered where she has been hiding.  She has taken the bottom fabric that is on the bottom of the couch off and has been living inside our couch.  When I dig her out of the couch and grab a hold of her, she clutches on with her claws in my shoulder as she watches to make sure the other cat isn't around.  And to make matters worse she will have accidents because she has to walk across the house to the cat box and possibly be seen by the new cat.  She walks in fear.

The other day I pulled her out from her hiding and put a lot of love into her.  I looked at her and said "Don't you know, all of this is yours?  Not his, but yours?  This is your home, you are ours, not him.  You have authority over him and you walk in favor.  You can walk away from your fear and walk in much confidence of who you are and that you are ours.  You have been given much."

Just as I said those words … I felt God tug at me "I've been saying the same to you".

Then I searched my life lately.

I haven't been happy because of a situation I am in.  I have been trying to make the right choice, but question God's will in it constantly.  I have been living in confusion as I am not completely sure as to the direction God has me to go.  But it comes down to fear.  Fear has gripped me hard.  I just didn't know I was living in it.

So I searched my heart.  I'm afraid of making our comfortable lifestyle not so comfortable.  I'm afraid of putting the full weight on my husband and stressing him out and what that could result in.  I'm really afraid of not making the right choice.  I'm afraid of not pleasing God, my Father.  I'm afraid of how others judge me.  I'm afraid of confronting the person I will need to do.  I'm afraid of the guilt and manipulation that will come my way.  I'm afraid of being wrong.   I'm afraid of letting something go that I have loved for so long.  I'm afraid of the impact it could create on the trips that are planned this year.  I'm deeply afraid ...

So I run and hide.  I am hiding in my fear and allowing the fear to run its course on me.  I'm not living comfortably now because I'm not living at all.  I'm putting my full weight upon my husband now as I'm constantly seeking and asking his advice, then doubting he is fully understanding and knowing what circumstances could come our way.  And it's causing friction between us.  I'm already not pleasing God because I'm not doing as he wants, and letting fear be my God.  I'm letting others control me and hurt me.  And the person I am afraid to confront is controlling me now and coming into our household in an unhealthy manner.  I'm walking in the wrong direction now.  And I'm holding onto something that isn't mine to hold onto anymore.  And to top it all off, I'm not trusting in God to come and take care of all the details He wants to do.

Where have I gone wrong?

I have forgotten who I belong to.  I have forgotten who He is and what He is able to do.  I forgot that He has given me much and can walk comfortably in his favor.  I have forgotten that he has given me authority.  I have cowered down to fear and surrendered who I am and all that I have to it.  Life has been miserable, joy is absent, yet grumbling and complaining are constant.  And to make it worse, I have affected everyone who is around me.   I have been disobedient.

I need to be like the other cats.  I need to walk in authority and confidence of who I am and who I belong to.  I need to walk in the love I know God has for me and a knowing of what is mine.

It's time to walk in truth.  It's time to face my fears and knock these giants down.  And it is time to surrender to the One who knows me, the One that loves me and finds favor with me, and the One that says I am still His.  

It's time.

And since it is my time … Zelda it is your time too.  We can do this together!

Through The Storms Of Life

I flew back to Colorado to get my daughter and bring her home.  We rented a vehicle to drive back with all her things.  You can never predict the weather in Colorado or Wyoming, so it is always an adventure and you never know what you are in for.

As we were driving, we left the comforts of the 70 degree weather, with blue skies and puffy white clouds and went into the mountains to be greeted by snow, still with blue skies and puffy white clouds.  As we continued, we could see ahead the clouds where clearly a storm was ahead, where the darkness of the sky met the earth and you couldn't distinguish the separation of the two.  As we continued the storm became darker and scarier. The road continued right into the storm.

There was no getting around it.  Anyone who knows Wyoming, knows there is a lot of nothing,including choices of roads and even shelter.  We had to continue.  I gripped the steering wheel and continued on, and feared what I was in for.

As I gripped on to the steering wheel, I gripped on to Jesus as I muttered prayers under my breath.

When we entered the storm, we entered hard rain … the kind of rain that the window wipers couldn't move fast enough, we entered 32 degree weather which brought some snow mixed into the rain.  We journeyed on and got through to the other side …. then I could only see the storm in my rear view mirror.

I remembered a childhood book the girls used to love:  Going on a Bear Hunt.  It talks about going on a bear hunt and having to go through long wavy grass, a river, mud and a cave.  They can't go around these obstacles, or over or under it … the only way to go is through it.  Sometimes God brings us storms in life.  Sometimes storms just come whether God brings them or not.  We can't go around them, over them or under them, as much as we want or even try … we have to go through them.

As I looked in the rear view mirror I saw what I went through.  And I felt God prompt me as to why I was so scared, after all it wasn't all that I had feared.  And as I looked in the mirror again it was because of the storms I have endured in the past.  I knew how bad the storm could be … I was fearful of the baseball hail that I could have endured and this time without any coverage.  I was fearful of a tornado forming.  I was fearful of the lightening that could fall from the sky with such power and put it's mark on the land right next to me.  I was fearful of a blizzard coming out of no where … all these things I have endured in the past, and I knew what was possible when the storm was before me.

I remembered Luke 8:22-25.  Jesus and his disciples were in the boat, and Jesus was sleeping while the disciples were battling a storm…fearful as they endured it.  They feared for their lives.  Jesus is all his sleepiness and calmness calmed the storm and asked: "Where is your faith?".

God reminded me that storms are going to come and go.  Some are greater than others, as they are all not the same.  Fear shouldn't ever stop me with any of them.  Where is my faith?  Faith is gripping on to Jesus during these storms, but faith is also knowing who is with me and who I am in Him.  The storms of life don't have a hold of me, as He is greater, and He has given me authority to be greater than them too.  

And just as He has given me the authority over these storms … He has given the authority to you.  Conquer your storms.  Grip on to Jesus.  And take authority.  It is yours.

My Hope Chest

This past week I have had some glimpses of God and the relationship we share.  You see, the past couple of years have been rough ... I have been out of sorts, and even put God in a box at times.  But because of everything that we have gone through the closeness I have shared with God in the past t hasn't been there.  Please hear me out ... I believe God has been with me the entire time!  I just haven't had the same intimacy that we have shared in the past.  And I have missed it.

I have had quiet times ... not consistent, but I have had them.  I have worshiped with my worship music, I have prayed, I have read the Bible and I have even journaled .... I know He is there to receive my worship, my prayers, show me His word and read the pages that are addressed to just him.  But I have longed for the times our hearts are one, joy springs from my steps because of His presence and His words and my heart seems that much bigger when we are that close.

 I have missed intimacy with God.

I have missed God.

I have missed how He makes me feel.

I have missed the joy we experience.

And sometimes even though I know He is with me, and I know He understands the yearning I have of Him, I forget He hears EVERYTHING.  I was talking with Duane in the car, describing how I long for God, how I just want to clearly hear His voice, as I choked down my tears.  It was the longing of my heart.

I just didn't realize that God was going to be so quick to respond.  And I didn't realize that my life was about to turn.

I had a dream last week.  One that was clearly from God.  I woke with a smile and just longed to be back in the dream again.  It was simple, beautiful and playful.  One I have thought of over and over again in the days that followed.  The message was simple, there is beauty that comes from the valley, God longs to play with me and the Holy Spirit too.

Finding a church home has been a long journey.  One that actually started before we moved.  It has been frustrating, isolating and tiring.  God clearly told me that we needed to go to one church we had just visited the week before, when I was ready to go to another and call it "good".  It is funny how when God tells us to go somewhere, that all of a sudden I don't have to assess the environment, it is mine, and it is where I'm to be.  There is ownership and belonging that comes with it. And it is so much better than just settling and calling it "good" ... because when God sends us somewhere - it is GREAT!

Perhaps something happened at church.  I received the message, and it was timely.  I received worship and gave my heart to God once again.  But nothing moved me more than normal.  However, when I turned on "My Worship" playlist on my iPod, my heart soared like it used to.  I even had a dance in my step.  And there was a moment of intimacy with God.  And a smile on my face.

I do remember God prompting me to go and look through my hope chest, as I sat and listened to the message.  I didn't know why, and I did wonder if I was hearing things.  But I have felt this nagging prompting to do so every since.  So this morning I sat and looked through some of it.  And I got it.

My hope chest used to be filled with things I longed to hope for.  It used to be filled with things I was going to bring into a home, into a marriage and perhaps into the lives of children.  But now when you open my hope chest ... it is filled with the once upon a time of things I hoped for now becoming greater treasures than I could imagine.

When you dig through my hope chest ... you won't find anything of monetary value.  You won't find the computer, the dishes I am saving for, nor the things that take my time and energy each day.  And you yourself won't find much meaning through the clothes, papers, pictures and things.  But these are the things I hold so dear.  A box full of love letters, and a ring box that once held an engagement ring.  So many papers, pictures and handmade gifts that the girls have made, and given over the years:  apologies, adoration and love is throughout the chest.  Some cards from extended family and friends of encouragement.  There are baby dresses that the girls wore on their dedication days, a baby blanket made from my grandmother for her first grandchild, baby teeth of mine given to the tooth fairy, and many letters to God buried throughout each layer of treasure.  These are the things I hold dear.

Why would God send me to the chest?

To show me, that He has a hope chest just the same.  I don't get to see all of it now, but I have seen some of it.  The countless journals of our interactions, prayers - answered and unanswered, pouring of my heart to Him ... the songs of my heart.  I look forward to seeing the artwork I have created for Him that He has called it treasure.  I'm sure there will be glimpses of pictures He holds dear, but I believe those pictures are going to surprise me.  Some could be the memories of when I accepted His love for the first time, and when He healed me from the torment of lies from the enemy ... but there are going to be things I have done or said, that He is going to treasure, that I have just forgotten about.  There will be apology letters like the ones I found from the girls.   And this valley we have walked through and the beauty we have found in it, will be there too.

God revealed to me this morning that He treasures so many times with me, and probably even more so than I realize.

I want to create more treasure for God to tuck away.  Those things that are so special and please His heart.  But just like I saw in the artwork of my little ones,  it doesn't take much to please Him, it is those things that come from the heart...my heart.

This past week He has shown me that He longs for intimacy too .... and treasures it.

And He longs to have intimacy with you.  He has a hope chest filled with so much of you.  I encourage you to take the time to look through it, and see what God holds so dear.  It is going to surprise you!

The Things We Can Learn From Noah

The past two days I have been pondering about what I can learn from Noah, or what God would like me to gain in the scriptures of Noah and the flood.  I have read, reread and just pondered (Genesis 6:9 - Genesis 9:17).  I have some thoughts, nothing profound, some things rehashed ... but the things I've been pondering.

1.  Genesis 6: 8-9  Because Noah was righteous, found favor with God and was blameless among the people, he was given protection and frankly, his life.  This isn't a huge insight.  I believe we all have this.  We all have the opportunity each day to be made righteous, and find favor with God.  He desires to protect us and give us life that He created in us.

2. Genesis 6:22, 7:5   I watched Evan Almighty the other day, because this Bible story was so fresh on my mind.  I had a little chuckle.  It isn't accurate at all, but defiantly entertaining.  However, it gave me a fresh perspective on how the people had to have been ridiculing Noah.  What he was building wasn't something that could be hidden, but something big that had to be seen from his surrounding neighbors and even towns.  People had to wonder, had to have questioned and had to have laughed at him.  But Noah continued on.
     There have been countless times that I believe God has laid something on my heart, or I heard his voice giving me direction or have seen something that could only come from Him.  And within minutes after, I'm questioning if I heard it right.  It doesn't say that Noah questioned, it says that he was righteous and had favor with God, blameless with the people.  Because God said it, he didn't question but just did as he was told, whether he was the laughing stock of the town or not.  I could think of a recent event, where God laid something on my heart to do, and in doing so it made me stop what I was doing and pause to meet the deadline I was up against, it also caused a little extra from my pocketbook, and it caused me to stop and be kind to a complete stranger.  All three I was having difficulty with, but mostly I was complaining that God would make me stop and do.  I wish I approached that incident differently, and I wish my heart was like Noah ... obedient.  Obedience brings favor.

3. Genesis 7:16b   I hadn't really noticed before.  But Noah didn't have to figure out how to shut the door, or when to shut it.  God saw that Noah did all that He had asked and closed the door for him.  God sealed his promise of protection to Noah.  God put a physical divider between the outside world and it's taunts and questions of doubt from His promise, favor and protection.  Noah stood on the right side of the door!

4.  I can't help but be jealous of the worship Noah had to have had on that ark!  We each are different.  We all experience the worship of God in our unique ways.  Nature is one of those ways.  My husband likes to hike, and I have joined in and have experienced God that way.  I have spent times at the beach encountering the love of God there.  But many times I simply go to the zoo.  To see all the different animals, and see the creativity our God has, it amazes me every time.  Noah had much time to be in the creativity of God.

5.  Genesis 8:1, 9:15  I often wonder what God thought of all the rest of the people.  I thought he was focused on Noah and those on the ark.  But it says "But God remembered".  I can't help but get a picture of God drifting his mind off to the store keeper down the street, the family across the bay and even the animals asleep in the trees.  I get this overwhelming sense that this act wasn't easy for God, but something He had to do:  almost like an artist not pleased with his painting and washing it clean to start over.  That is what God was doing, and I can't help but sense God was saddened of destroying the work He put into it the first time around.  Because scripture used the word "remembered", it was like God directed His mind to the current place and that was with Noah.  And it was used again later when God sees the rainbow.  We've always viewed it as our remembrance of the time of Noah and God's promise ... but I see today it was His remembrance too.  His remembrance tells me of the heart of God, he was grieving, and will remember the past in the midst of creating the future.

I love God's heart!  The more we read, the more we find of the God we serve.

Still Learning

I'm still camped out in Genesis 6.  I just don't feel led to move on quite yet, yet I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to see.

I reread the chapter, remembered what I just wrote about the other day and thought about the events of yesterday and the day before.  Monday I woke, dreading the day as it was the day I dreaded for ... you could read about it in the previous post.  I still didn't do much that day, as I just don't know exactly how to grasp this new way of life.  Yesterday a very important matter needed to be tended to, and I went with my husband to complete the task.  Then I asked if he would go with me to the Farmer's market and I would drive him to work, then I proceeded to go visit my parents.  I came home, Duane was home.  I look back at yesterday and see that yes there were matters that had to take place, and even matters that I brought God with me into.  However, I still avoided being in the silence and even the opportunity to look at Him face to face in our home.

It's hard to articulate.  I did nothing "wrong".  But I can't help but look at these verses and ponder.

God made us to need companionship, as He made Eve for Adam.  It is natural to want to be with one another, to have company and conversations.  But I am reminded of just three chapters back when God was walking with the two in the garden.  Why am I still avoiding the quiet?  I could be walking with God in the solitude of our own home!

So today I sit.  I have my time with Him.  I have my music playing in the background, and one of the first songs is "I Am Not Alone" and I shout it at the top of my lungs.  It was a promise that came over me.  I felt a smile fall upon me.  I was experienced strength in the promise as I fought off a lie that was captivating me to avoid our new home.  And peace came to stay.  The music remains.  But something seems a little different today, I'm welcoming the opportunity of silence, and hoping God will come walk with me today.

God found favor with Noah.  I hope God finds favor with me today too.  And finds this home welcoming Him in, with me greeting Him at the doorway.

The Flood

Genesis 6

The Flood

I have been away the past ten days, as I have been working in Colorado.  And in the midst of work I have the privilege and joy to see my girls.  I brought the youngest with me, so it was a real treat for the four of us girls to sit and have dinner ... laugh and have heart to hearts.  Its what I live for, it is my favorite thing.  

I love my husband too.  I knew Colorado wasn't home anymore when I was there, and I longed to be in Duane's arms.  And the moment I stepped off the plane into his arms, it felt right.  This too is my favorite thing.  

Today life goes on ... and it feels like it has forgotten about me.  My girls are in Colorado doing their thing, finding their way in life - very well, I might add, and Duane is off at work doing his thing.  I sit here in the quiet of the house, wondering what my thing is.  And it feels like a flood of emotions are washing over me.  Today is the day I have feared.  It is the day there isn't a box to unpack.  It is the day things are just about settled.  It is the day that is full of quiet.  It is the day I am alone - and I don't know what to do.  

Some may welcome such a day, perhaps others may understand.  But today marks a very important shift in my life ... where I see an empty nest, and the life I once knew is no longer.  "Now what?" rattles in my mind all the way deep to the core of me.  Tears flow so easy.  And a sense of lostness feels like a warm blanket.  

Today I opened my Bible, hoping there was a new light, a new prayer, a new connection with God.  I continue to pray a little whimper just pleading God will help me through this time and comfort me.

"The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.  So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth-men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air-for I am grieved that I have made them.  But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord."

Genesis 6:6-8

I always believed that God and His wrath wiped out the earth.  But today I see it was with great sadness, He was at a loss and was grieving.  

I often sit and wonder if God understands the sorrow I am currently experiencing.  If He thinks it is silly, or unnecessary.  I often wonder what I am to do with the heaviness I experience, and hope that He is there to carry it.  We know God is big enough, but does He understand ... does He get what exactly I am going through.  Today I see the truth.

Now my girls are doing what they are suppose to be doing.  Finding their ways and moving forward in their lives.  They have reached the step that we have dreamed about since they could start dreaming and expressing themselves.  We have arrived.  Yet, now they move forward and I have let go of their hands.  They are walking by themselves.  We aren't connecting at the dinner table anymore, running out the door and shouting where they are off to, coming home at the wee hours of the night and coming into our bedroom expressing their woes of the day.  I don't hear their laughter, nor their tears.  I don't get to see what the details of their days look like anymore.  And with each passing day the phone gets quieter, emails are seldom ... and a matter of fact, it is usually me that reaches out first.  But again, this is normal.  This is what is and what is to be expected.  Yet it saddens me.  

And it saddens God.  It saddens God when we turn ourselves away from Him, doing things on our own.  We think we can go onto the next few steps without His help, guidance or just us "checking in".    We walk by ourselves.  The prayers that were once habits and even rituals are now seldom and far between, God's ears are getting quieter.  The prayer journal that once was filled quickly and fully is becoming slower to fill.  And it is usually God that reaches out first ... but then I can't help but wonder - do I even notice?  

Yes, God sent the flood because wickedness filled the earth.  Our own selfish desires filled the earth.  Our own lusts and ways.  But it is also clear that these things became what filled all of our days, and we turned against God - and just spending time with Him that He so longs for.  

I want to be like Noah!  I want God to find favor in me - I want Him to find me as a righteous woman, blameless and that everyone sees that I walk with God.  (Genesis 6:9)  And even though I'm still experiencing a flood of emotions these days, and seeing the tears fall, I want God to still see me and be pleased.  It is the ultimate cry of my heart.  So today I write, today I sit and take the time in study and learn more of Him, and today I will reach out to Him for help along this transition - and know that His heart totally gets what I'm going through today.  

And may He send a flood today.  He promised us that He will never flood the earth again and destroy it.  But may He send a flood of His presence over me today, and may I have the wisdom to see Him.

The Likeness of God

When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God.  He created them male and female and blessed them.

Genesis 5:1b-2a

How many of us have self image issues?  I know I do.  I have hurt my husband a numerous account when he has told me how beautiful I am, and I gave him an eye-roll and walked away - rejecting the words of encouragement and admiration.  When I read this verse, I can't tell you how many "I'm sorry"s come to my mind as I deal with the same amount of twinges of regrets.

I am the very image of God.  When I look in the mirror ... I am looking at the image of God!  That holds a lot of weight and also brings a huge responsibility.  Because it is more than the physical appearance -but there is something created in each one of us to be just like Him!  How did I treat the homeless man on the corner?  How did I attend to my daughter's needs?  What part did I contribute to the community service project?  How am I supporting the service man who is giving their all for me?  What part am I doing at my church?  How am I helping my husband?  How am I loving him?  

Am I looking to see God?  And how is that image living through me?

And now turn this verse around.  The neighbors who drive me crazy, the in-laws that I can't seem to get along with, the homeless, the babies, the elderly, the addicts, the racist, the lawyer, the politician, the mailman and the list goes on .... they too are created in His image.  Have I taken the time to see the likeness of God in them, or have I rejected Him just the same?  

My husband is onto something when he compliments my looks.  I need to stop, ponder, listen and look deep into his eyes... because perhaps it is the likeness of God in Him speaking to the likeness of God in me!

I Can Master These Emotions Of Mine

If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it.

Genesis 4:7

I admit this chapter isn't my favorite, but I read it this morning and saw how "human" it is.  I was pretty much raised as an only child ... I am the only child on my mom's side, but my dad had another.  However, in the summer my half-sister would come to stay a couple of months.  It was rough for me.  I went from "my" room to "our" room.  Of course it was only natural for my dad to want to spend time with his daughter, but the jealousies would consume me.  I did enjoy what would be lonely hours during the days, as my parents worked to be filled with someone else to share them with.  

From the day I was born I have had my insecurities.  I have questioned as to where I fit in, and what place I fit into.  I have looked at others as "favored" and have thought much less of myself.  It is just the way I have always been, something that I have had to work through and deal with.  I think of a recent issue in our home, and how this insecurity was more likely the cause of the unnecessary argument, that not only impacted me but brought grief for my husband.  

My girls have had the same unnessary arguments.  I remember a period of time when I wondered if they would ever like each other when they were grown.  Lindsay appeared favored with all the family relatives, Katie was the strong-willed child, and Courtney would just go back and forth to each sister, favoring one at a time while going against the other.  The older two used the youngest to get toward the other ... one child was always left out, and one was always hurt.  

Feelings are a huge part of who I am.  I live in them, experience them, move in them and for them, and it seems so many times I'm consumed by them.  It is just who I am.  And I find it only fitting that God would gift us with three emotional girls.  But who blames them, as they have watched these emotions control me all my life.  

Today I see God's guidance for me:  "it desires to have you but you must master it".  God brought the right two people together.  Me full of emotions, and Duane full of logic.   I long to be more like him daily and there are times (usually when dealing with the girls) he wishes he was more like me.  Our marriage is a good balance of the two.  But Duane shows me wisdom so many times, as he controls the anger in midst of tensions in our home of girls.  I would say for the most part "he has mastered it" and doesn't allow the temptation of anger, jealousies or bitterness grab hold of him.  Oh to be more like that.  I have the opposite problem, where I want to allow fighting words spew from my mouth, emotions physically tremble me, and the "logic" of them to debate the other person in whatever comes out of their mouth.  I admit I have not "mastered it", but have allowed immaturity rather than wisdom define who I am.

Yet, God knows these feelings and temptations are there.  God even gives us for warning that they are even there.  And God tells us to master them.  He also gives us the authority to be the master over them.  

I can't say that I will all of a sudden master this temptation I daily deal with, but I can say I will start today.  Today I will lean on Him.  I will learn to listen to his warning.  I will learn to master them in time.  And I will take the authority given to me and be the master  over these emotions of mine.  

What Was Once an Ordinary Chapter

Genesis 3

The fall of man.  To sum up the chapter: woman is alone, Satan tempts her, she falls and leads man to fall, they hide from God, God has a serious talk with them both, he punishes Satan, woman and man but then covers them in grace with clothes.  That pretty much sums up the chapter.  

Can I be honest with you?  I can't help but read this chapter with an eye roll?  It's that chapter where men blame women, and women say "it's not our fault", and the chapter we are reminded that we are behind men, and why we hurt so much when we give childbirth.  It's that chapter ... and I can't help but have a bit of an eye roll, a bit of an attitude when I read it.

Until today.  

I'm trying to read through the Bible, it's one of my current goals ... and I figured God wouldn't have much for me in this passage as he has in the previous chapters.  Today I was looking to gain some ground in my reading.  But perhaps my depression as I go through our move and the transition in my parenting, brings me a new perception when I read these words.

1. The woman was alone for Satan to tempt her.  I admit to you, that today was one of those days I just didn't want to get out of bed ... I couldn't seem to find the strength - or purpose in doing so.  I heard the lies of the enemy telling me "I didn't have a value to add to today, stay in bed"!  He was winning ... until the phone rang, and then I saw the cats waiting for their breakfast.  Point was, I was alone too ... and Satan was tempting me with his lies.  I know we as women are each made differently.  But from all the studies I have been in, relationships I have had the privilege of being part of ... we are made to not be alone.  Yes, we are to have our quiet times ... but with God.  We are never to be alone!
2. Satan tempted her with lies.  
1. The first question he asks:  "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden?'"  We have something that Eve didn't have then.  We have the Book of Truth ... the Bible.  This is why we are to be in it everyday, learning it, studying it and knowing what God is telling us.  Otherwise, Satan is there tempting us to be led astray - away from God.
2. When we are alone, it is then that Satan learns us and knows exactly what to say to trip us up.  Personally for me this morning, it was that "I didn't have a value or purpose for today" ... "that I don't have a purpose anymore, and I am not needed".  Those are the words he is throwing at me, frequently lately.  Because I have put myself in the position to be tempted by his lies.  If this is you, I encourage you to make a goal for yourself to get out of this place ... don't be alone!  My goal this week is to sign up and attend two Bible studies ... one at a church we are considering calling 'home' and another that is in our community.  I refuse to be in the position of isolation anymore.  
3. When we are tempted by Satan, we see his lies as the truth.  It's kinda how I see my goal of reading through the Bible.  If I look at it through God's eyes (the Truth) and see that it is ok to take the time to read, and soak on each word, meditate and chew on it and gain from it ... then it is worth the extra time ... even if it takes years.  But if I look at it through the world's eyes (NON-truth) that I will never get through it, and it will be a goal that will never be met it is causing me to already carry the feeling of "failure".  That is where the first point comes into play ... know the scripture, and know your God.  God has never ever called anyone in the scripture a failure, and he surely won't begin today.  So the truth is, if I don't finish the Bible and stop in the midst of Genesis ... the truth is I'm in His word, and gaining knowledge of Him and how He wants me to be ... which is defeating the enemy's plan.
3. After Adam and Eve ate of the fruit they covered themselves, and when God came walking towards them - they hid and God called to the man, "Where are you?". 
1.  I laugh, because I think of my husband and how he tried to "undo" what they did.  He states his case and tries to persuade me to run around with no clothes on.  I know - TMI!  However, the truth is, when we are led astray we try and cover ourselves and even hide the very thing that God created.  WOW!  I get the whole hiding thing.  I think of my girls hiding their lunches in their room that they brought home from school, because they didn't want to eat it, and instead of telling me the truth they hid it ... until there was a big stink and it was revealed.  I confess that God is all knowing - and sees all, so why on earth do I even try and hide my mistakes?  
2. How cool is it that they lived with God that they could hear him walking?  I want that, and I believe God wants that for us too.  I don't think it is something out of reach either - that we could live like that.  First, we have to not be in that isolation where Satan can trip us up and second, we could simply seek.  His word says "seek and you will find" (Matthew 7:7).  I long to be so close that I hear his footsteps coming toward me.
3. God called out to man, asking where he was.  God misses us too when we aren't in relationship with Him.  His heart is to be one with us, and we each complete his heart ... which gives me an image of how big his heart is.
4. God questioned man as to what happened, and the whole story came out.  God punished all who were involved.  Yet I saw something new today in the punishment of Eve's:  "Your desire will be for your husband ...".  It is said over and over again that three biggest quarrel between husband and wife:  Sex, money and parenting.  I desire my husband, and that is good and right.  However, it is the images I put in my head ... "he should be like the person I read about on Facebook and bring me flowers", "he should meet my needs of romance instead of turning on the baseball game", "he should ... he should ... he should".  My desire is for my husband, but is my desire for my husband to be who he is, or someone I would rather him be?  Am I praying for my husband that his desire would be sound in the Lord, and lead me and our home?  So perhaps the quarrels we have about "sex" or "love" are the curse of man from the beginning, but it has opened my eyes to be set back on God's word:  to have the desire of my husband and nothing else.  
5. And just because Adam and Eve had a slip up, that they had to be punished for, God didn't leave them.  That tells me that no matter how great the sin, God never leaves.  He may banish us from the promises that were once ours, but He'll never leave us.  He covered them in clothes.  I remember my mom making me dresses, and having a special label "handmade with love" ... and that is exactly what I picture God's clothing to be made out of.  And no matter the depth of depression we may be in, God is there and hand making out of love our way out.  

I love this chapter!  And to think it was one that I just never enjoyed before.  So much to gain!  What did you gain out of it?