It hit me right between the eyes last night. So hard, that I couldn't help but fall upon my knees and weep.
Our family has been going through a lot of challenges, a lot of changes. At this point, I just try and get through each day, calling it good. I can't seem to even think of tomorrow, let alone next week. We now are a family of six. That is the biggest change. One more body in our home, that wasn't there too long ago ... it just takes some getting used to. We are also getting used to having a boy in the house, when frankly we are used to girls. I'm just dumbfounded how differently they think. We are getting used to medication, when we are a house that does things natural, and never have had to be confined to daily living through a bottle of pills. We are getting used to a new elementary school, that we have never been part of before, and a public school at that. Our calendar is stuffed full of therapy appointments, OT appointments, doctor, dentist and psychologist ... and just for a ten year old boy. And each appointment I'm learning something new. It just seems so overwhelming.
And to be real with you. Our family is far from perfect. We have issues just like any other family. And can I tell you something? Being a mom to teenagers is soooooo hard! Let alone three teenage girls! I never expected it to be easy, but there are days that I wonder if this is "normal" and I question all my ability and start wondering where I have gone wrong. The hormones are extremely active in our home. The drama tends to escalade. The expectancy they put on their parents, we often wonder if we live in the same world. So hard.
And last night wasn't anything different.
We have had to put a new system in our home. It is more for our son, but our girls are part of it too. We have found they not only enjoy it, but it is working for everyone, encouraging us (as parents) to follow through, encourage our kids and allow the system to work for us, instead of us being dealt with the "war" between us and the kids. It is a simple system. We have a white board, listing all the chores, with the initials of who is in charge of them. Attached to the board is also the daily responsibilities that everyone has to do in the house. We also have a picture of CARS (Lightning McQueen, Mator, and Doc Hudson), each representing three ribbons (1st, 2nd, 3rd place). Attached to the picture are 4 clothes pins, each with the name of our children. Each place ribbon lists what gets them to that place, and what the privilege/consequence are. First place may earn you some extra allowance or video time, where as third place earns you nothing. It is a simple system, that we do at the dinner table. And it has been working!
Well yesterday I took a child of mine at their word that they did their responsibilities...that their room was clean and done. Leaving them at first place with all the privileges. Lessoned learn on my part ... I have to check.
I walked in their room after church last night ... so disappointed in what I saw. And lecture number #87 started coming to my lips. But at the same time I'm dealing with life as it is... I'm dealing with my heart's cry of wanting to be closer to God, wanting to experience more of him.
I remember telling my daughter, to get up, start focusing on the task at hand and move ... getting the job done. Go for what you want! Believe that you can overcome this task. She is one that accepts defeat so easily, and shows through how she carries herself.
I also remembering the heartbreak I experienced that moment. Being lied to. Deceit. My trust was broken. I couldn't help but tear up. I told my girls I have soooo much for you. More than they could ever imagine. I have so many things I want to give them, things I have listed in my mind, and so much in my heart. I have an abundance to give them!
And it hit me. How often to I walk in what I already have, accepting it as enough, and that I don't deserve more. Instead of walking with the knowing my Heavenly Father has an abundance to give me! How many times do I ask for the whim of the moment, and say that it is enough, and not accept all the things He has for me? How many times do I disobey my Heavenly Father, and walk away from the abundance He has for me?
I couldn't help but fall on my face. I couldn't help but see the life I had been living and plea for a new start.
So today I walk with a knowing my Father has abundance for me. And I know that He has an abundance for you. His love is great ... greater than I could ever imagine. And I'm so thankful that I'm able to experience a taste of His heart for you and me every now and then ... even through the challenges of parenting, and the challenges of change. To know my Father's heart is abundantly full for me seems to just make it all worth it.