Letting Go

Letting Go.  Action words.  And two words that can be so hard to do.  Two words that can take on different meanings to so many people.  And two words God has been asking me to do latly.

Sometimes we don't see the gloom or the heaviness we are under until we are able to get out from under it and see behind us.  And I believe that is where we are at.

Many of you have been following our adoption journey.  You have lifted us faithfully in prayer and have rooted us on.  You have literally kept us on our feet when we couldn't stand anymore.  For all you have done ... thank you!

We saw some dates quickly approaching ( renewing of immigration fingerprints, home study renewal and immigration paperwork renewal) - all coming due, and with a hefty cost for each of them.  The cry of our hearts is to be faithful to our Faithful One.  Seeing these dates, and having the desire of our heart brought conflict and fear within me.  It has drained me and has brought a differenet kind of tiredness I have never experienced before.

I questioned God:  why me?, what must I do to received a break through?, and what have I done to receive this punishment?.  I am thankful God is big enough for these tough questions.  With these questions I was left with pain and hurt.  And a pain I knew too only God could heal.

Images of the vision I had that started this journey came to mind.  Reminders of clear answers to prayers came to mind.  And with all these reminders and with all my emotions I confess I don't understand it all.  And I guess that is where this has started.  I have recognized my mind can't even fathom Gods'.  His ways aren't always mine, no matter how much I try.  He is much greater!

Bottom line is God was literallly going to provide us the finances or we were going to have to "let go" (as He has been telling me).  Finances didn't come in.  My fingers started loosening from this grip I have had on this journey...but still didn't want to let go...not yet.

I explained to God I have so many people watching us.  I have so many people praying and supporting us and that many more doubting and even cursing our journey.  I wanted to show them He triumphed over all this.  Pride was getting in my way.  I didn't want to let any of you down.  My focus was filtered along the way.  I must live for God ... no anyone else!  Recongnizing this pride loosened more of my already loosened fingers. 

Even though my mind was hearing and recognizing this hard place I was in with God, I couldn't allow my heart to experience the pain with it all.  My heart already hurt, and I didn't want to feel anymore of what I already have.  I was afraid of the pain - for I knew it was going to be so great that I might not even be able to ever breathe again.

I believe nothing is left to chance.  God knows who or what will cross our paths, and allows those things to come our way.  And makes everything good.

I am facebook friends with someone in Liberia.  Someone who is pretty close to the adoption situation there.  Someone who calls me "Sister Karen".   Someone who stands in Christ and yet is so very much a part of his country.  I was talking to him about ideas of how to better his country, and it was through this conversation adoption came up.  It was then crystal clear - adoption wasn't going to be moving anytime soon - if at all.  Corruption is ruling this country.  Also the minds of every Liberian person was going to have to change.  Simply, I can't do it.  Only God can.

With all the strength I had left I lifted my opened hands and let go of Elijah and Ruth into Gods'.  We weren't going to renew any paperwork, unless God clearly said to.  When Elijah and Ruth are able to come home it is then we'll reinstate our paperwork.  But now we let them go.

With feet still dragging I emailed our agency and told them our situation.  Surprisingly, they supported us 100% and offered us so much kindness, support and understanding.  There was peace.

My heart still remained broken.  The pain has been overwhelming.  I still questioned and longed for understanding.  Today with the strength and humiliation I had left, I sought counsel from our pastor.  My heart was grieving and I was lost.  Words that were said confirmed convictions I have experienced in the past and stirred something in my soul.  It isn't until later I will see the fruit of that stirring.  Questions I was asking God were dealt with and healing began in that office.

But today that is where we stand - fully surrendered to the Only One we rest in.  I have let go of something I have passionatly held onto with a very firm grip and given it to the One who is able.  I can't say I understand this journey we have been on.  But I also rest that I don't have to.  I also can't say that my heart has stopped hurting - but it's still beating.  But I do seek comfort by my Healer and I'll continue to walk this journey with Him. 

This adoption is all His.  Elijah and Ruth are His.  And so am I.