My heart has been so heavy. So many decisions to make. And I'm torn in so many directions. I have been prompted to write things down and weigh the pros and cons, but I just don't do it. I have to vocalize my dilemmas but yet there isn't anyone to really hear me out. Don't get me wrong … God's ears must be pretty soar right now. I keep hearing from my close ones how God will show me. I trust that statement to be true, because I trust my God to hold onto His promises. I believe He cares for me and for the choices before me, yet I still don't have my answers and I'm a bit stir crazy with the unknowing.
My career direction is at hand at the moment. I have a job that I have enjoyed the past six years, yet the joy is lessening the more I stay. I seem to have more complaints than anything these days. I have apologized that I just haven't been thankful for the job that I have. That is wrong. But it also tells me that it is time for a change. Part of the issue with my job is the younger generation not understanding my generation, and probably goes the other way too. The fast pace environment causes me to not be able to embrace the moments, and by the end of the day it is simply just that … another day that has gone. I feel like I'm missing out in life. Even though I'm good at my job, I'm also not able to utilize the character within me. My heart is unable to show, and my mind is having to take over a mile a minute. I miss getting to know people. I miss being able to have a moment and see God in the midst of it. It seems all I'm doing is grasping for God to fix the mess I'm in. I feel there is more in life.
I have another possibility before me. I had an interview today. It was a few weeks ago that I told my husband that I want someone to walk into Chick-fil-A and see the person I am and tell me that they want me. As I was cleaning out our study and reorganized I ran across a business card (that I thought I had disposed of) and remembered someone already came in months ago and did just that. I wrote a "remember me" email and inquired if there was anything available. A few days later I heard back from someone else from the bank about a local position that required 30 hours. I told them I was interested, but did ask if there was ever a position with less hours as I'm entering a new season in life that requires more attention at home. A week later I was told about the position I interviewed today for. And it is a position that is rare … a job share position. And one that would fit my need for consistency in a schedule, and have hours that would be a match with my husband's schedule. It is a slower atmosphere and an atmosphere you get to know the people. Yet, I admit that as much as I want to embrace the moments I also don't want boredom. There is one concern they possibility is looking into, and that is the time off that is needed at the end of the year, as I wouldn't have earned the time off yet. I did go into a panic when in the interview questions, I was asked what do I see in the future, how long do I see myself there?
And then there is the simple choice of staying back at home. I know there are volunteer positions that I'm interested in .. .for example, getting back into CASA. And being home would allow me to do just that. But we would be back to a tight budget, which I don't know if I want to do. My parents are getting to a point that they could use some help more frequently, and I would be available. And my parents have been without the opportunities of my visit for nine years, and they are enjoying the time I am able to give … and truthfully, I do too. It seems that all the growing up years and turmoil between parent and child are behind, and I have been able to turn around and appreciate the upbringing I have had and now can see the benefit of their teaching. Dinner is not often on the table these days because of my schedule and me just being tired from the fast pace of my day, and being in the kitchen embracing that passion of mine (I have forgotten about) would be a welcome to my family.
My mom, with her wisdom tells me to follow my heart. And today I've been trying to figure just what is in my heart. I know my family: Duane, the girls and my parents are in the center. I long to be available to them. I have seen especially the past couple of months the girls coming to me, and I just stop to help them think of their own hearts. They seek my council more, and I enjoy being there for them. I enjoy having dinner on the table, and having our home feel inviting when my husband comes home. I enjoy going for a visit to my parents and even sneaking a peak and feel of the salt air and the sandy shores. But in all of this I enjoy spending moments with God, seeking Him, praising Him and embracing Him in the moments of the day. "Moments" just seem to be a word for me lately. And I want to embrace as many moments as I can. I don't want someone else dictating my schedule. I love sneaking away for a quick lunch and seeing my husband. I miss walking with him from BART. I love these kind of moments. I was talking with one of the girls this past week, who stirred up a desire within. She encouraged me to write a Bible Study. She wants to know the God I know, verses the mean and scary God that others know. She is open for me to share and for her to seek herself. I want to write … even though I haven't a clue what to write about.
So with all this … my body is just full of the dilemma I'm in. I see the benefit of each choice I have as I'm at the fork in the road. And I know that I have to take the council of my mom's advice. Letting you listen to me has helped greatly …. thank you!
