It's so hard to explain, but my soul seems to be searching and confused. I'm constantly looking for "what's next", what my current "purpose" is. And nothing comes about. I look at my job, and say "surely, there is something more for me". And with the same eyes that see the job, see lack of hope there. So I want to leave … and run, and never turn back.
My daughter was sick earlier last week. She had her umpteenth case of pink eye … but this time it was really bad and in both. We do things naturally, and give illness there time. But this time, it was in me that we needed the big guns of medication, and a doctor to look at her.
I made the appointment.
I had other appointments that day, and put her appointment in the midst of mine, and thought it would be doable. The receptionist told me to call back, knowing my schedule if I wasn't able to make it on time, because they were able to adjust accordingly.
My first appointment took longer than expected. I had to call and make the change.
We showed up fifteen minutes early for her doctor's appointment. And we waited. Two people who had the time slots for fifteen minutes after our appointment showed up. And were called back. We still waited.
We finally were called back. My daughter's vitals were taken, weight and height and we were put in the exam room. Where we had to wait even longer. I kept looking at the time, because I knew another appointment was after this. The person knew what was going on, and knew I'd be late, but still I wanted to respect our appointment time to the very best of my ability.
The doctor came in. Arm braces and all.
He moved slower than you or me, as he juggled his crutches, the chart and us. I wanted to ask Him, but knew better and didn't. He was the doctor. He got around the exam room constantly swinging his body around, but focused on the reason he was there…. my daughter and her illness.
I felt God tugging at my heart. I heard him whispering into my spirit. "You don't see me on the other side of the door. I am in the midst of something, have patience. It will be revealed to you soon."
I continued to watch. And I admired that doctor.
He was labeled with something … MS, a stroke … I don't know, but something. He didn't allow it to stop him. He had a vision and direction to continue his doctoring. And he continues. No matter if Satan is trying to stop him. He continues. I'm sure he has hard days. But he perseveres.
I swallowed hard. I remembered the girls childhood book by Max Lucado "You are Special". I remember all the stickers that Punchinello gets labeled with, and how they start falling when He comes to know his Creator and then they start falling.
Have I picked up labels? Have I looked at my vision and direction and judged it as not being good enough and stopped doing what I'm intended to? Perhaps. But more so, I need to just rest in patience and wait for the door to open for me and know my Creator. Spend time with Him as I wait. It is there I will find the door. It is there I will find the strength to persevere through what He has called me to do. It is there I will find patience. And it is there my soul will find rest and calmness.
It is with my Creator I wait.