We have three cats. Mine, Courtney's and Katie's. When we moved to Colorado, it was the same time Katie was moving into CSU…dorm living, which meant her cat had to remain with us. Zelda (Katie's cat) didn't have a person anymore. My heart bent toward her, and I felt sorry for her having to not only transition the 1200 miles drive but without a person. We became close and she became used to living under my favor. The cats get a long for the most part, there are times when they let each other know they want to be left alone or they just don't want to play. Over the past couple of years, Zelda had been claiming me and my cat (Zoe) didn't accept that well, and at times has made it clear to Zelda that I'm hers.
The past few months. Zelda has come out of her shell and become the cat she is. She is comfortable to roam around and do what she wants … even if the other cats are annoyed with her. It's actually a good thing to see. We have seen her live in freedom of being who she is and freedom of living under our favor. It has brought me great joy to watch her scamper around, or cuddle near me.
Until.
Katie moved back home a couple of weeks ago. She brought a cat with her. A cat that is still young and wants to play all the time….rough and tumble kind of play. It is the size of Zelda. And to make matters worse, it's a boy. We have been living in a house full of hissing and scolding. The water bottle is always near by to remind the new cat that he has to be nice to the other cats. My cat knows her place, and walks around comfortably because she knows she has the authority to put the new cat in his place if necessary. She walks in her authority and her confidence. Courtney's cat doesn't like this new cat. And she'll let out a blood curdling cry when the cat is even near her, and is constantly hissing at him. She will go to where she wants to, skittishly, but still knows this is her home and she belongs here and knows she is loved. She walks in love and the a knowing of what is hers.
And then there is Zelda.
We haven't seen much of Zelda the past couple of weeks. I'll get her in our room at night and she'll come up on my bed in the morning (not during the night, as she used to). She still comes out for her breakfast, but will hide shortly after and not eat for the rest of the day. She has lost weight. I have discovered where she has been hiding. She has taken the bottom fabric that is on the bottom of the couch off and has been living inside our couch. When I dig her out of the couch and grab a hold of her, she clutches on with her claws in my shoulder as she watches to make sure the other cat isn't around. And to make matters worse she will have accidents because she has to walk across the house to the cat box and possibly be seen by the new cat. She walks in fear. The other day I pulled her out from her hiding and put a lot of love into her. I looked at her and said "Don't you know, all of this is yours? Not his, but yours? This is your home, you are ours, not him. You have authority over him and you walk in favor. You can walk away from your fear and walk in much confidence of who you are and that you are ours. You have been given much."
Just as I said those words … I felt God tug at me "I've been saying the same to you".
Then I searched my life lately.
I haven't been happy because of a situation I am in. I have been trying to make the right choice, but question God's will in it constantly. I have been living in confusion as I am not completely sure as to the direction God has me to go. But it comes down to fear. Fear has gripped me hard. I just didn't know I was living in it.
So I searched my heart. I'm afraid of making our comfortable lifestyle not so comfortable. I'm afraid of putting the full weight on my husband and stressing him out and what that could result in. I'm really afraid of not making the right choice. I'm afraid of not pleasing God, my Father. I'm afraid of how others judge me. I'm afraid of confronting the person I will need to do. I'm afraid of the guilt and manipulation that will come my way. I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of letting something go that I have loved for so long. I'm afraid of the impact it could create on the trips that are planned this year. I'm deeply afraid ...
So I run and hide. I am hiding in my fear and allowing the fear to run its course on me. I'm not living comfortably now because I'm not living at all. I'm putting my full weight upon my husband now as I'm constantly seeking and asking his advice, then doubting he is fully understanding and knowing what circumstances could come our way. And it's causing friction between us. I'm already not pleasing God because I'm not doing as he wants, and letting fear be my God. I'm letting others control me and hurt me. And the person I am afraid to confront is controlling me now and coming into our household in an unhealthy manner. I'm walking in the wrong direction now. And I'm holding onto something that isn't mine to hold onto anymore. And to top it all off, I'm not trusting in God to come and take care of all the details He wants to do.
Where have I gone wrong?
I have forgotten who I belong to. I have forgotten who He is and what He is able to do. I forgot that He has given me much and can walk comfortably in his favor. I have forgotten that he has given me authority. I have cowered down to fear and surrendered who I am and all that I have to it. Life has been miserable, joy is absent, yet grumbling and complaining are constant. And to make it worse, I have affected everyone who is around me. I have been disobedient. I need to be like the other cats. I need to walk in authority and confidence of who I am and who I belong to. I need to walk in the love I know God has for me and a knowing of what is mine.
It's time to walk in truth. It's time to face my fears and knock these giants down. And it is time to surrender to the One who knows me, the One that loves me and finds favor with me, and the One that says I am still His.
It's time.
And since it is my time … Zelda it is your time too. We can do this together!
