A week ago I was offended by my dear husband. He hurt me so bad, and for me it was unforgivable. I had every right to not forgive him and to remind him of his mistake for the rest of his days. That was my plan of action.
Since that incident our oldest did the unthinkable...turned to be "one of those teens". I mean I actually believed that my children was never going to act like that...
My youngest has gone back to her habit of lying.
My middle had me on ignore and used me for her transportation to and from, and also took the groceries for granted.
I reached my breaking point! Everyone is against me, and everyone else needs to change!
Isn't it ironic or rather isn't it timely that God's lessons in my Bible Study is that on love. The heart of the Fruit of the Spirit. Beth Moore's message yesterday was stating "being called to love we risk rejection". We were reminded of how rejection can wound deeper and last longer than hosts of other injuries (Prov 30:21-23 & PS 27:10). Rejection tempts us to invite things into our lives we might never have welcomed and can empower us to act in ways we never dreamed of behaving. And I was also reminded why Jesus' rejection was so deep, was because he was rejected by his OWN. So what is my point?
I was hurt by my family's behavior because each displayed a form of rejection. The old phrase is true, it hurts to love.
God, once again in his merciful grace, brought me out of the pits. Last week, I fell to my face, and told God that He would have to change my heart, He had a lot of work ahead of Him...because I couldn't change it. Through that prayer, I repented of my selfishness and so much pride and saw once again the work He had to change in ME. In order for Him to work in me, in order for Him to change my callused hard heart, I had to surrender me and give it to him. And you know what? God moved what seemed to be mountains...He accomplished His work and changed my heart. Not only did he soften my heart, I sought Duane's forgiveness and not only do I have a love for my husband but a stirring passion that grows each day. I have peace.
My oldest. That was hard. After all, she was rebelling, unappreciative and expecting everything to be around her. I had every reason to react to her with the top of my lungs. (Remember, rejection can empower us to act in ways we never dreamed of behaving.) I was also claiming Duane on my side...and together we were going out to get her. I fell on bended knee seeking wisdom and asking for help, afterward my dear husband asked me this morning..."I'm not judging, only asking," (uh-oh), "is this retaliation or love?". I had every right to send her to school in a taxi, not do anything for her, and make things so difficult until she came to ME and apologized. But Duane's question sunk in deeper and deeper. (I am so thankful He is the head of the house, our spiritual leader!) I talked to Lindsay on the way to school, agreed with her, heard her, and shared my heart. I finally told her, I am totally at peace with letting her go. I know she has Christ in her heart, and if she hits rock bottom I know God loves her so much he would see her through and help her out. Our God is that loving. I blessed her and her day, and hugged her. I told her she can reject my love, but I will still love her.
We had to discipline Courtney this morning and again this afternoon. She and I prayed over her asking Jesus to redeem her, casting out the master of lies and the one who is holding her captive in her fears, and have asked that every time she wants to lie that it will turn to a want of praise to God. We already celebrate His victory in this area. Courtney experienced a freedom this afternoon she never experienced before.
Katie repented last night with her actions. She claimed her responsibilities, was empathetic to the others in the household, and was definitely more social than she had been. I told her I was going to celebrate with her by taking her to lunch today.
Instead of taking Katie to lunch, I brought her her favorite lunch to her. As I was pulling out her lunch I was greeted by Lindsay. Lindsay's lunch was bad for whatever reason (God's doing?). I told her that she could sit with me and I would be happy to share my lunch with her. She sat down and cried. "It is hard to accept this meal, when I have treated you so horrible." My heart pained with her..."yes, I'm sure it is hard. It may be hard for her to receive it, but for me it isn't hard to give."
So who had to change? ME! I have to continue surrender myself, allow God to move and flow through me. Thank you God that even though sometimes it is so hard to receive Your love because of my mess-ups and failures, for You it is never hard to give.
Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love is not rude, is not selfish and does not get upset with others.
Love does not count up wrongs that have been done.
Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth.
Love patiently accepts all things.
It always trusts, always hopes, and always remains strong.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Duane, Lindsay, Katie and Courtney - I am so thankful you have stuck through my "yuckiness" and together with God in the center we can achieve all things - because God is our love and will never fail! I am reminded of a book that we have read through the years -
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
I am so privileged to be your wife and your mommy. And I'm proud to say that you are my family - no matter what, I'll love you.
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