The Old is Gone - Today I am Made New

I can't sleep tonight because today was such an awesome day.  It was one of those days I had least expected ... a matter of fact, it didn't go according to my plan what so ever (otherwise I wouldn't have worn white).

I love going to church.  It isn't because of the act of going, but rather because I love to come and see what exactly God has either to confirm to me, or teach me.  Last night I went to church and heard something I have been wrestling with for a long, long time and frankly didn't like it at all.  It was "Jesus, the face of God".

I can't say that I really know how it begun.  Some could say when my birth-father left, others otherwise.  But all I can say is that somewhere along the line I have picked up so much shame and guilt, that I can not look anyone straight in the eye for very long.  (This has even been an issue in our marriage.)  You see, I know I mess up so much, and I know I hurt so many, especially the ones I love.  Doing so, I know I hurt God.  I'm ashamed for it.  Even though God doesn't rank one sin larger than another, I do and consider mine and carry shame.  But through all my journey I just never considered God looking into my face with much admiration, but instead with shame.  So somewhere along the line, I stopped looking. 

I have seen God's feet, felt His hands, embraced by even His hug ... but never have dared to look into His face.  I couldn't bear His shame.  Not looking kept me safe.

So I wrestled with everything our pastor said.  I struggled so much, that I even gave up.  I decided that I would never be able to be closer than I am right now to God.  Shame separated us. 

I have carried so much shame and thoughts of God's disgust on me,  that I believed I was the reason Elijah and Ruthie weren't here.  I wasn't a good enough mom for the three I have, let alone for two that aren't biologically mine.  I wasn't good enough at so many things that God probably thought best if they just didn't come home.  The weight I was carrying was killing me.

Duane and Katie went to church this morning because they went to hike a 14er yesterday.  Duane asked me if I wanted to go with them to church again this morning when I returned home from church last night.  Normally I would love to go, but I knew I couldn't lift my face toward God or believe God could lovingly look at me so I declined.  I woke this morning with the same amount of shame and guilt I went to bed with last night.  I also knew that if I wanted to have any time with Duane, I had to go to church with him this morning.  My plans for the day couldn't happen until Katie was back home.  So I went. 

I wanted to praise as I usually do, and ignore what I knew was coming.  But our pastor decided to switch things up a bit.  He believed God wanted the worship to be a response to God's message.  I sat.  I remembered.  I remembered all the disappointments that caused so many people to turn their eyes away from me.  I remembered all the people who have disappointed me.  But still, deep inside I longed to look into my Father's eyes and His into mine. 

During worship, I extended my two hands to remove any shame and guilt I was carrying, so I could release it and at least try and get closer to God.  And then I heard it.  The pastor mentioned "that we are washed away from the guilt and shame, that we could come into His presence..."  That is all it took.  I knew what God was calling me to.  I knew what I was to do.

I was out of my seat.  I went to a pastor, I explained and asked. 

Before long, I was sitting in the baptismal before hundreds of people and confessing I am ready for the old self of shame and guilt, and the orphan spirit I have held onto to be washed away because I want to see the face of God.  The pastor reminded me that as God's daughter I was adopted into His family.  Adopted - chosen.  Then it was done.  I was baptized, and all this junk was left in the water.  Today God made me new.

Today for the first time - I can look into my Father's eyes and see Him looking back at me.

So tonight I'm not sleeping because I keep looking at the face of God and I marvel.  I don't want to close my eyes for I've missed His face for so long.  Tonight when I did attempt to close my eyes and sleep I heard the word "safe" loud and clear.  Starting today I am now safe with my Father, I am exposed and vulnerable.  Today I am safe in the face of God ... Jesus. 

I encourage you to listen to the message by going to the following link ... http://www.rez.org/flvplayer/ .  (The message should be up in the next day or two.)