MY Faith

I just viewed a comment that I received on my blog a few days back.  Basically in a nutshell...I am delusional, because I talk to someone who is "non-existent" and have a non-loving God who only cares for some of the people, some of the time.


Wow!  


But it got me thinking.  Why do I believe in God?  


I won't sit and explain all the contexts of scripture that was thrown my way.  But I will warn those who question and seek to make sure you understand the scripture in its context and history.  When you do, you'll see how important Jesus is...and the true miracle He is.


I was told that God only performs some miracles ... not for everyone.  I suppose that could be true.  I could go through all my life and seek all the times I asked for a "miracle", only not to receive what I was asking.  But that wasn't it.  The story continued and in spite of my answers not being answered the way I saw fit, I saw a lot more than I could ever imagine waiting for me on the other side.  It was on the other side that I found my miracles. 


"There isn't any evidence of miracles".  I see it on the contrary.  I am living proof. Every time I wake, I know I'm a full blown miracle. 


It was justified that all these statements I have made, are "defenses" for the God I have.  NO.  Just testimonies of the God I know.   You see, I don't have to defend my God.  He is big enough to do so himself.  Matter-of-fact, I can rest knowing just how great my God is.  


And as for no one ever seeing him.  I find that false.  I have seen Him, experienced Him and have even been held by Him.  You may find it hard to believe ... but I find it true.  I know I wouldn't be the person I am today, if I didn't have Him in my life.  


The funny thing is.  I have never labeled you.  Why do you label me?  I know you believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe.  But the biggest difference is ... I have someone to pray to, ask for divine intervention in your life ... who do you have on your side to help you?  I pray that one of these days you will truly see you aren't standing alone ... no matter how much you deny Him.  And you'll see his love will never turn away from you ... no matter how much you push.  You are forever His.


I also thank you ... you are causing me to stand in boldness.  There are only a few of my closest friends who I share this with.  You see as a "Christian", you could find it easy to believe the lie "I shouldn't have dealt with my issue, if I truly believed in my God."  But I believed that lie.  Fear has held me back.  But now it is time for all to here.  The truth will set me free and the time is now.  This is my story ... delusional or not, it happened to me and I live as a miracle today because of it.  This isn't my testimony ... but God's.  To Him be all the glory!


(You'll have to watch the whole sermon ... but somewhere in the middle, you'll find my story.) 


My testimony (half way through the sermon)

Parenting 101

I have noticed something about me ... and it has shown itself loud and clear the past couple of weeks.  


I don't like telling me girls "no".  


It is inevitable.  When we go out to a school function or even a church function ... they get the last minute invite to do something...time to hang out with their friends.  Or they will be doing "nothing" at home, and receive a call or text message inviting them to go do "something".  And then there are those times they see something in the store window and they just want it.  Every school class has their own focus, which brings the desire of jackets, awards and even trips.  It seems the older they become, the more "May I..." 's we hear.  


I want to give them everything and the last thing I want to tell them is "no".  I want to give them their hearts desire.


Last night was no different.  We were at the last school concert of the school year, and a group of kids were going out to see a movie.  I wanted the same for my own children.  I wanted them to go.  I wanted them to know they fit in.  But I had to say it ... "no".  (And when I started weakening ... I sent them to Daddy.)


You see we have rules posted in our home.  Responsibilities must be done.  And we aren't the mean parents giving them a 100 things to have done.  But we have asked the basics:  clean your room, clean your messes, take care of the pets, etc..  We also have the consequences posted as well.  Privileges will be taken away.  It is simple, you do your responsibilities and you get to have privileges!


Last night ... my husband said "no".  Tears were shed.  Anger was pierced on the lips.  Accusations through body language of being the "meanest parents on the planet" was clearly stated and we have been reminded that "we are the only parents who do this".  


And then I wondered. 


I have heard some "no" 's in my lifetime from my Heavenly Father.  Was it because I didn't do my responsibilities?  You know the ones ... loving those I rub shoulders with, not gossiping, being quick to forgive, and so on.  But I recall Ephesians 2:8-9;  "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast."   And clearly I saw that God gives me a great gift ... the gift of 'no".  Because through that no I still am able to experience His grace.  Through His grace I tangibly receive His patience, love, forgiveness, friendship, support, protection ... and the list goes on.  


No.  I now see it differently.  It is a word of love.  A word of protection.  A word that is knowing.  And I think of those times I have heard no, and the hearts desire I was asking for ... and now see the all knowing God I know - and see it was His love, protection, forgiveness, grace I truly desire over anything I have asked for.    


Yea, you heard it hear first.  I can be the meanest parent in the world.  And apparently I'm the only parent that gives their children responsibilities, and consequences if they aren't done.  But if our girls can see that through that simple little word of "no" they are loved, forgiven, protected and even experience some wisdom through it, but first and foremost experience their Heavenly Father .... just maybe they too will look back and see receiving just that was all they ever desired.

Accusations

It has been so long since I have written.  Where have I been?  I would love to tell you busyness ... that is somewhat true, but not totally.  I would love to tell you I haven't had anything to say ... somewhat true, but life always brings something to say.  But truth be told, we have gone through some storms of life.  And as much as I'm trying to not talk about it, God is nudging me to do just that. 

I'm not going to share all the details, as that is irrelevant.  But I am going to share what God has done through this time.  And I believe, God is going to break off the deep sadness I am experiencing through the confession and realization of how great God is. 

Defender: (according to Webster's) protect, shield, guard, safeguard, defend implies warding off what immediately threatens or repelling what actually attacks; protect is wider in application and less active in suggestion, implying a keeping safe by any means from injury or destruction; shield suggests that interposition of a cover or barrier against imminent and specific danger; guard implies protecting with vigilance and force against expected danger; safeguard implies taking precautionary protective measures against merely possible danger.

Vindicator: to set free, deliver, avenge, exonerate, absolve:  to provide justification or defense for; justify, to protect from attack or encroachment, defend.

Ever since I was little, I have dreamed of someone to take a stand and defend me when the battle was fierce.  Perhaps it is the romantic in me, or one too many seeings of Cinderella.  But I can say honestly, I have had that desire.  I have been taught to stand up for myself...be strong.  So on the contrary, if I didn't stand for myself ... I believed I was weak, or rather I was looked down upon because of my weakness and I wouldn't survive this world. 

Can I tell you something about me?  I'm NOT a fighter!  Never have been, and I never will be.  It is just not in me ... unless, I have to protect my children...then it is a whole new ball game!  But for the most part, even my girls will tell you ... we pray for our enemies.  We allow truth to prevail.  It will all work itself out in the end. 

In the past month we allowed a 15 year old girl come into our home.  We made ourselves very vulnerable.  We gave her food, clothes, love, safety, shelter, encouragement, truth, acceptance ... and so much more.  But what we gave her wasn't enough.  It was something she rejected over time, and something she would complain about in the end. 

In the middle of our circumstances, lies and deceit were discovered.  The truth was exposed.  The truth of what came into our home, was totally what was not exposed in the beginning.  The foundation of her coming, was based on a lie ... and it took four weeks for her ground to crumble.  

Accusations.  We say they don't hurt, but until we are under the pointing finger and all its wrath we discover - they hurt and are very heavy! 

My accusations:  I'm an abuser.  I'm names, that you won't hear from my lips (or fingertips).  I'm neglectful.  I definitely have issues.  I play favorites.  I am a liar.  (Those are the ones I know of.)

I look at those accusations as they try to stick their nasty lies on me.  And I see something:  they are true.  I know I have raised my voice a time or two or more to the ones I love.  The colorful names I won't say ... I guess I could be those things on occasion.  Have a neglected our home?  Yep.  Do I have issues?  YES!  Let me be the first to say!  I have a tendency to favor my family on occasion.  And you know what ... as much as I say that I don't ... I know I have lied.  So I guess you can say I'm guilty as charged!

But you see the difference between me and some is that I have Jesus, who took these accusations, allowed them to pierce His head, hands and feet...let alone His heart.  Then he did something with them no one else has done:  He nailed each one to the cross with His suffering.  He took them, so I didn't have to.

For the past few weeks fear has ruled my heart.  I was afraid that this small community I live in will believe the worse about me.  I was afraid of the battle I was going to walk through.  I was afraid of the judgements I was going to have to encounter.  My head lowered in shame, as fear conquered my heart.

It wasn't until the past two days I have seen God work on the hearts of those I hold relationships with.  The accusations were never even considered.  Not one!  These people saw me, ignored (what I call) "the squeaky wheel" and saw the truth.  I didn't have to draw one breath to defend myself.  And as I saw this, I experienced God lifting my head up to see who He is in my life.

So ever since I was little I have wanted a defender ... a vindicator.  Ever since I accepted Jesus in my heart, little did I know I had one.  I marvel ... that I can look in the mirror and see those accusations, and see the truth in them, but one by one they fall off each and every day, because my Jesus sees me, not the accusations ... and sees something worth fighting for, something worth standing up for ...

He sees me as His! 

"Look upon my suffering and deliver me,

for I have not forgotten your law.

Defend my cause and redeem me;

preserve my life accorrding to your promise.

Your compassion is great, O Lord;

preserve my life according to your laws.

Psalm 119: 153-154, 156