What Was Once an Ordinary Chapter

Genesis 3

The fall of man.  To sum up the chapter: woman is alone, Satan tempts her, she falls and leads man to fall, they hide from God, God has a serious talk with them both, he punishes Satan, woman and man but then covers them in grace with clothes.  That pretty much sums up the chapter.  

Can I be honest with you?  I can't help but read this chapter with an eye roll?  It's that chapter where men blame women, and women say "it's not our fault", and the chapter we are reminded that we are behind men, and why we hurt so much when we give childbirth.  It's that chapter ... and I can't help but have a bit of an eye roll, a bit of an attitude when I read it.

Until today.  

I'm trying to read through the Bible, it's one of my current goals ... and I figured God wouldn't have much for me in this passage as he has in the previous chapters.  Today I was looking to gain some ground in my reading.  But perhaps my depression as I go through our move and the transition in my parenting, brings me a new perception when I read these words.

1. The woman was alone for Satan to tempt her.  I admit to you, that today was one of those days I just didn't want to get out of bed ... I couldn't seem to find the strength - or purpose in doing so.  I heard the lies of the enemy telling me "I didn't have a value to add to today, stay in bed"!  He was winning ... until the phone rang, and then I saw the cats waiting for their breakfast.  Point was, I was alone too ... and Satan was tempting me with his lies.  I know we as women are each made differently.  But from all the studies I have been in, relationships I have had the privilege of being part of ... we are made to not be alone.  Yes, we are to have our quiet times ... but with God.  We are never to be alone!
2. Satan tempted her with lies.  
1. The first question he asks:  "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden?'"  We have something that Eve didn't have then.  We have the Book of Truth ... the Bible.  This is why we are to be in it everyday, learning it, studying it and knowing what God is telling us.  Otherwise, Satan is there tempting us to be led astray - away from God.
2. When we are alone, it is then that Satan learns us and knows exactly what to say to trip us up.  Personally for me this morning, it was that "I didn't have a value or purpose for today" ... "that I don't have a purpose anymore, and I am not needed".  Those are the words he is throwing at me, frequently lately.  Because I have put myself in the position to be tempted by his lies.  If this is you, I encourage you to make a goal for yourself to get out of this place ... don't be alone!  My goal this week is to sign up and attend two Bible studies ... one at a church we are considering calling 'home' and another that is in our community.  I refuse to be in the position of isolation anymore.  
3. When we are tempted by Satan, we see his lies as the truth.  It's kinda how I see my goal of reading through the Bible.  If I look at it through God's eyes (the Truth) and see that it is ok to take the time to read, and soak on each word, meditate and chew on it and gain from it ... then it is worth the extra time ... even if it takes years.  But if I look at it through the world's eyes (NON-truth) that I will never get through it, and it will be a goal that will never be met it is causing me to already carry the feeling of "failure".  That is where the first point comes into play ... know the scripture, and know your God.  God has never ever called anyone in the scripture a failure, and he surely won't begin today.  So the truth is, if I don't finish the Bible and stop in the midst of Genesis ... the truth is I'm in His word, and gaining knowledge of Him and how He wants me to be ... which is defeating the enemy's plan.
3. After Adam and Eve ate of the fruit they covered themselves, and when God came walking towards them - they hid and God called to the man, "Where are you?". 
1.  I laugh, because I think of my husband and how he tried to "undo" what they did.  He states his case and tries to persuade me to run around with no clothes on.  I know - TMI!  However, the truth is, when we are led astray we try and cover ourselves and even hide the very thing that God created.  WOW!  I get the whole hiding thing.  I think of my girls hiding their lunches in their room that they brought home from school, because they didn't want to eat it, and instead of telling me the truth they hid it ... until there was a big stink and it was revealed.  I confess that God is all knowing - and sees all, so why on earth do I even try and hide my mistakes?  
2. How cool is it that they lived with God that they could hear him walking?  I want that, and I believe God wants that for us too.  I don't think it is something out of reach either - that we could live like that.  First, we have to not be in that isolation where Satan can trip us up and second, we could simply seek.  His word says "seek and you will find" (Matthew 7:7).  I long to be so close that I hear his footsteps coming toward me.
3. God called out to man, asking where he was.  God misses us too when we aren't in relationship with Him.  His heart is to be one with us, and we each complete his heart ... which gives me an image of how big his heart is.
4. God questioned man as to what happened, and the whole story came out.  God punished all who were involved.  Yet I saw something new today in the punishment of Eve's:  "Your desire will be for your husband ...".  It is said over and over again that three biggest quarrel between husband and wife:  Sex, money and parenting.  I desire my husband, and that is good and right.  However, it is the images I put in my head ... "he should be like the person I read about on Facebook and bring me flowers", "he should meet my needs of romance instead of turning on the baseball game", "he should ... he should ... he should".  My desire is for my husband, but is my desire for my husband to be who he is, or someone I would rather him be?  Am I praying for my husband that his desire would be sound in the Lord, and lead me and our home?  So perhaps the quarrels we have about "sex" or "love" are the curse of man from the beginning, but it has opened my eyes to be set back on God's word:  to have the desire of my husband and nothing else.  
5. And just because Adam and Eve had a slip up, that they had to be punished for, God didn't leave them.  That tells me that no matter how great the sin, God never leaves.  He may banish us from the promises that were once ours, but He'll never leave us.  He covered them in clothes.  I remember my mom making me dresses, and having a special label "handmade with love" ... and that is exactly what I picture God's clothing to be made out of.  And no matter the depth of depression we may be in, God is there and hand making out of love our way out.  

I love this chapter!  And to think it was one that I just never enjoyed before.  So much to gain!  What did you gain out of it?

A Time of Rest

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.  By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Genesis 2:1-3

I believe God has told me that I am to be in a time of rest.  So instead of resting, my mind is stir crazy with what is next.  And through my wondering, I find that I'm not resting but feeling more defeating that God isn't currently needing me.

When I read these verses this morning I couldn't help but see the words "rest" jump off the page at me.  I took a couple notes:

1. God took the time to rest!  Enough said, if He did it, shouldn't I?
2. God blessed the day of rest.  What would happen if I took the time to rest as God called it?  What would my blessing look like?  How "healthy" would I be if I lived what He did?
3. God saw what He had done, called it done and rested.  He looked at what He has done and called it good after each day, but on the seventh day during His time of rest He had to recognize what He did and call it good once again.  He appreciated the time He did the week prior, not look ahead at what was going to come in the next week.  

So I see now that God has me in a time to rest, and what it should look like.

Oh God, I'm resting.  I'm resting in You!  I am not allowing shame to come over me anymore, but thank you for this time of rest.  I choose this time now.  I will ponder over the work I have done, I will ponder the lessons I have learned from you and I will see them all as good because not of what I had done, but because of Your presence in it all.  I will ponder, rest in you and not let myself go crazy as what is yet to come!

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light."

Genesis 1:1-3

In the previous post I mentioned that I went into flight or fight when Duane came home without his job.  I took on so much of the weight and so much of the responsibility, when truthfully it wasn't mine to take ... it was still God's.  Well during this time, being in His word was seldom.  Praying was desperation.  Listening, was extremely rare.  Tiredness affected worship.  Lack of a church home kept corporate worship at a minimum.  

I have tried to explain to Duane, as the last of the boxes are coming to an end to unpack that I fear of being "bored", I'm afraid of missing where I'm supposed to be because I am not hearing God as I once was, or because my own selfish desires and control tendencies seem to trip me up so easily.  I am fearful of being wrong.  I question if I'm even doing my part, as now I'm unemployed and taking a time to "rest" (as I feel God has told me to do that very thing).   Doubt lingers like a familiar friend as I question if I'm hearing God right.

It isn't easy to share the spiritual state I am in, but in all honesty ... it is exactly where I am.  I've tried to read my Bible, to only get frustrated that my mind can't seem to focus long enough to make it through a few chapters.  I do have a goal to read the Bible through again, but it seems like a daunting task.  I started reading it again this week, but this time differently.  I'm leaning on the grace of God, getting through little by little.  If I look through the world's eyes ... it isn't much.  But I have learned.  When I see something, I stop, ponder, pray, put it down and chew on it.  I won't move on until I grasp and ready.  It may take me twenty years to get through the Bible at this rate, but I'm seeing things new, as if my first time.

In the last post I also mentioned the depression I have been in.  Not just because of the new season of mothering I am in, but a new season of life all together.  Transitions are just not easy.  I can't tell you how tired I still remain.  I have always been a person of doing, and now there isn't really anything to do.  I refuse to being the leader, and now letting God lead ... "rest" is all I hear.  I see others doing, and I'm resting ... guilt falls on me.  

I don't find it ironic that I am in Genesis, I find it fitting that I'm back in the "beginning", relearning the scriptures and my relationship with God all over again.  I see four opening points God brought for me:

1. God created.  He didn't just create the heavens and the earth, but me.  He created this place for me to be part of, and He created it for me to enjoy.  He created. 
2. God saw the earth formless and empty, darkness was over the surface.  He sees me.  He sees the darkness that is around me, and still doesn't leave, but stayes.  He sees.
3. God was hovering over the waters.  He hovers nearby.  He not only created, but remained close and never leaves.  He hovers.
4. God called out the light.  He saw the need of light, and brought it forth.  He took the darkness away with His call.  He protects.

Reading these three verses was all that I needed to hear.  It brings healing and understanding for me from my Creator and the One I long to be long to.  

Dear God,  Thank you for Your creation for me and in me.  Thank you for seeing me and remaining still so close to me. Thank you for hovering near to me, calling what needs to come over me, and protecting me.  Thank you for being my light, and calling the light on when the darkness is so dark.  I know the darkness doesn't have a hold on me, because of your creation in me, how you see, hover and call.  I stand under the One who is able.  Thank you!

Life Is Full Of It's Challenges!

It's been a heck of a time these past couple of years.  Every time I think I have gone through the thick of it, it gets a bit thicker.  Perhaps it is my outlook in life.  Perhaps it is just the season we're in.  Call it what you want, bottom line it has been a hard couple of years.

When Duane lost his job about a year and a half ago, I went into flight or fight mode.  I stepped up my hours at work to bring what little income I could in, and still doing what I already was doing in the ways of home maker.  I tried to be a source of encouragement to my husband, and bring a comfort to my girls.  I can stand where I do today to know that I began to rely on myself more, even though I would say I was relying on God. 

One of my biggest arguments with Duane during this time was my feeling of lack of appreciation, and not being recognized enough for all I was doing.  I felt alone too.  Today I can stand and tell you that because I took the role on that I did, and stood on my own two feet that it was my own doing for the feelings I was enduring. 

When we moved to California, I had arranged for my next source of employment.  I believed God gave me the go ahead and I went ahead.  It brought a long commute, much stress, emotional abuse and much anguish.  Today I stand, unemployed and see that I never asked Him when, and I was so determined that perhaps I didn't hear the correct answer.  My wants outweighed my listening skills.

We left two girls back in Colorado.  I can't tell you the depth of depression I have been in because of that fact.  I hid my feelings through working, focusing on housing and now setting up our home.  As things start resting in place, my heart has been more exposed.  Many tears have been shed.  Much anger has been spewed.  Silence has been heard.   

We had two months to find our home.  We put nine offers and nine different houses in an area that would be closer to Duane's work.  Each one of them was rejected as other offers outbid ours.  We leaned on what we wanted, not on where God was directing us.  I can testify today that I stood on pride to be able to say that I moved out of state, and it eased my pride to say that I was returning  but to a different location.  I was ashamed to come back in the area we left.  But God has a way of humbling us, and it will be on his timetable until we grasp where He wants us.  After three months of temporary housing (AKA:  a hotel), we put our tenth offer in, which was accepted .... back in the hometown we once lived.

Relocation isn't easy as it is, getting Courtney registered for school was a battle of its own.  New laws have been passed, two different states with their own requirements and systems trying to blend together, and a roughness to the school we were assigned to were just some of the battles we were in, as I was dealing with the loss of the other two girls.  I observed I quit parenting all together, as fear of losing the last was quickly approaching as we enrolled her for her senior year.  I had to apologize to Courtney that I stopped being her mommy, and took back that role that I know so well.  

Community has been our word for a few years now.  Community is definently where we live now.  But it is something that we are searching for too.  We walk everywhere now, trying to make our presence known.  We greet our neighbors, and trying to reestablish old friendships.  But it is hard to have been away for nearly a decade and find where we fit in again.  Places have changed, people have changed, society has changed.  Where do we fit with all these changes?  And finding a church home is the key.  We're still looking where that will be.  I know God will bring us to that place, as he has brought us home.  

It has been a rough year and a half.  We have gone through so much, so many feelings, and I can still testify that my feelings are still "raw".  But I have grown.  I have changed.  I have gained many lessons along the way.  I have been humbled, and admit that today even though I can say I have learned much, I can still say I have much more to learn too.  It has been a rough journey ... but it has been all good too!  

When the Truth Hurts

Someone recently told me how I needed to turn toward God, and was reminded that without God my doom would await.

These words stung.  These words struck a cord deep within me. 

I have God!  I know God loves me!  I know who God is! 

I felt judged, condemned and not understood. 

I have remained distant from this person.  But no matter how distant I have been, the words still hurt. They hurt because I was not understood and even overlooked.  I, I, I ...

I attended my middle daughter's graduation breakfast at church this morning.  And in the midst of the pastor's talk, he put a verse up.  I honestly couldn't tell you what he spoke about.  Because my mind went with God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Matthew 22: 37-39

Our lives are full right now.  My husband is away.  We are getting ready to move back to California.  Part of my heart is still here.  My complaints of not connecting here, are not necessarily true ... as now I'm finding that I'm more connected than I realized and having a hard time leaving.  What my life looks like in California is uncertain.  Where we are exactly going to live is unknown.  My two daughters are staying here ... where I won't get to hug them, laugh with them and hang out with them as I have done over the years.  Our household has always been tight, now distance is starting to loosen those bonds.  My customers are struggling, and I'm struggling right along with them.  Our dream home is going to be in the past.  The home we have lived in the longest will be no more.  My middle daughter is graduating and has a whole new adventure before her ... and I'm holding my breath that my parenting skills worked.  She's not being tested, but I am.  The emotional connection I hold with her is like no other, and I don't know how I'll breathe without her across the hall.  Confidence is lacking.  My oldest reminds me daily of how I'm not needed in her life.  I know it is part of growing up ... especially with girls, but the words still hurt.  I feel responsible for not keeping the five of us together, but my mind reminds me that this day was coming ready or not ... I just had seen it so differently. Our house has yet to sell, cleanliness remains a daily task ... and is starting to take its toll on me.  Starting to separate our stuff into four different parts seems overwhelming.  Yard work is constant lately, as rain has been just as constant.  I hear the complaints from three hormonal teenagers ... everything that I don't seem to do right.  Encouragement is lacking from my life.  Hugs are a thing of the past.  Decisions are a moment to moment thing ... and now exhausting.  My brain is fried, heart is aching and physically I just ache.

I hear from Duane.  His life is full too.  Learning new things with his new job.  Being away from his family.  Not being part of graduation festivities.  Isolated from the things that our family continues to go on with.  He went from a year of no activity to a full blown life of demands.  Decisions remain constant with him as well.

I have always struggled as a wife too.  I have always seen my role to lessen my husband's.  He has enough to think about at work, life at home shouldn't be more of a burden than what he is already enduring.  Because of the role I have taken, he doesn't realize that when I hear his exhaustion, his frustrations, his complaints ... how personal it is to me, and a reminder of how I continually fail. I have done everything I can to take pictures and videos of last concerts, special events and such ... so when every gadget I have is out of battery because I was all day at work, and not thinking of plugging anything in ... I feel I let my husband down.  Again, the failure runs deep.  I'm not just a failure to myself ... but now to my husband too. (At least that is what I see.)

So.   My plate remains full.  I have excused my feelings and I have ignored them too.  I have become the complaint and even failure to the girls, and now to my husband.  I didn't realize I was taking all this so deeply.  No one did.  But God did.

So when someone told me to turn to God or there would be serious consequences, I didn't hear the truth but more of a reminder of another failure in my life.  The words hurt.  

And then I saw this familiar scripture.  Have I been loving my God the way I should?  No.  I have allowed the stress and demands lead my heart, mind and soul instead.  If I would place my heart, mind and soul on God and His goodness then these failures wouldn't exist.  If I focused on God and His goodness there truly wouldn't be else to see.  If I spent time loving my God ... I would not be concerned with the details of my life, I wouldn't have to focus on all the planning...but see that one of the reasons I have to love Him, is that He has everything under control.

I wouldn't have heard those words that hurt so much if I was loving others as I should have been.  That person would have not felt the shame, failure and question of self worth they are going through if I was loving them as God had called me to do.  They would have been built up, encouraged, heard, understood, appreciated - and loved.  If I would love them, distance wouldn't be a way of protecting one another, but instead a form of embracing. 

Perhaps there could have been more grace in the confrontation.  But truth is what it is ... I need God in my life.  Now.  Everyday.  And every moment of the day.  I needed that reminder.

So all the responsibilities I have put on me, my husband has put on me, my daughters have put on me, my employer has put on me, my coworkers have put on me ... they can not dictate my mind, heart or soul .. but instead I need to lead and focus on loving my God, and my neighbors ... the rest will fall right into place. And if I spend the time focused on God, He has all the rest.

I'm So Much Like My Cat!

I love my cat!

I can tell you everything about my cat.  Her name mean "life", and I named her that because we were in a season where loss and death were all around us, and I needed "life".  She has extra long hair around her neck, making it look like she has a mane. She gets hot quite easily, so doesn't like to cuddle as much.  She has a stipe down her nose, that looks just like a pencil.  She has little light strokes of a lighter color above her right eye that makes it look like she is wearing eye shadow.  She LOVES breakfast!  She'll wake me up by laying on my face and purring.  If I don't budge, she'll go over and open the shutters.  When I ask her "what do you say?" when she is waiting for her scoop of breakfast, she'll meow her "please".  She usually greets me at the door when I come in and seeks a hello.  She loves to sleep on her back.
 I know her favorite toys. She loves to be held over my left shoulder, and hang over to see.  She loves her front paws massaged.  At night she "cuddles" for about five minutes as she climbs under the covers and stretches out next to me.

I KNOW my cat!

I take her with me on occasion in the car.  It isn't her favorite thing, but she'll go.  She starts the car ride out usually under the seat, and after time has passed she'll come out and join us on her blanket.  She'll voice herself to remind me that she is still there on a rare occasion. After we return home, she allows me to carry her in, and when she comes into the house she walks over to the other cats, making it known that she had time with me...and seems quite pleased with herself.

The one thing that saddens me about my cat is that she doesn't like to cuddle.  If only she knew how much I love her.  I want to hold her over and over again. 

I'm reminded of my Heavenly Father.  How much He knows of me.  He knows every detail .. how many hairs on my head, and freckles on my face.  What brings me joy ... and what hurts.  He knows the desires he has placed in my heart, and he knows what makes me really angry.  He knows my favorite things.  And even knows my quirks and habits.  He knows my thoughts ... and even my feelings. 

He KNOWS me!

He takes me on a journey from time to time.  Sometimes these journeys aren't my favorite thing to do, but I'll go.  I sometimes hid along the way, as I'm a bit fearful.  But at some point in the journey I come out, because I know God is there and I'm safe.  After my journeys with God, I come home and am quite pleased with myself as I have had my own special time with God, himself.

But I realize as I go through life, with all the bruising and scraps along the way.  I try and try to do things the way I see fit, I try to hold onto the struggles instead of them holding onto me.  But I can't help but wonder how sad my Creator is that I just don't allow myself to be held.  I don't think I know fully how much He loves me and wants to hold me ... over and over again.

I sure love my cat ... how much more does God, the Creator and Author, the Almighty love me!

Life IS a Highway

I went for a drive yesterday.  A very long drive.  It is my way of sorting out and letting my mind go, and have much needed and meaningful time with God.

I have so many thoughts, and much more feelings and needed to understand it all.  I left broken, bruised and battered.  I returned whole, complete and healed.

I drove and drove, what was once roads filled with cars all around me, ended up with not one around.  I felt as if it was appropriate as to life as I have known.  I have gone from spurts of much connection to a current time of no one around. 

I took note.  Sometimes we are in a "lonely state" because God is missing us.  He doesn't want to be replaced with people, demands or things.  He wants time with us, as much as we need time with Him.

So I embraced the loneliness, knowing full well I wasn't alone at all.

I came into a town - a very small town.  I couldn't help but notice that several of the homes had signs out in the yard stating what the owner could do.  If one could fix things, it was advertised.  If one knew how to grow special things, it was stated.   We live in a society that we go to our place of business that has their own signs, and we give what we have to offer - hoping we can fit in.  Sometimes it is a match, sometimes it isn't.  But we go throughout life, people telling us what we are good at, what we aren't.  Labeling us.  Hurting us.  Encouraging us.  How easy it would be if God would put a sign on us, that stated what we are good at and could offer the world.  Or does He? 

I was reminded of a children's book, by Max Lucado:  You Are Special.  It is about small wooden people who are called Wemmicks, all carved by a woodworker named Eli.  In the story the Wemmicks give each other stickers throughout the day; stars or dots.  Stars were the things they did things well or they received them too just for looking well.  Dots were all the things they did wrong, no matter if it was a mistake or not.  There is one particular Wemmick named Punchinello who received nothing but dots.  A matter-of-fact he had so many dots, that the Wemmicks just gave him more dots just because of the dots he already had.  One day Punchinello ran into another Wemmick who didn't have any stickers at all.  Wemmicks had tried to put stickers on her, but they just wouldn't stick.  Punchinello sought out why.  And that is when he learned of Eli. He went to Eli - ashamed of the dots he had, and surprised Eli didn't care of what the other Wemmicks thought of him.  "Who are they to give stars or dots?  They're Wemmicks just like you.  What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello.  All that matters is what I think.  And I think you are pretty special."

And as I was driving on my quiet country road, I saw myself with a whole lot of dots.  And realized that during my journey I have allowed these dots to stick.  But I came seeking God, and one by one they started coming off.  Just like those houses, I have a sign in front of me and it says:  I AM SPECIAL because I AM HANDMADE BY GOD! 

I took note of the road ahead ... no cars, peaks and valleys, literally in a land where there was nothing around.  And I took note at what I saw behind.  I didn't know what was ahead but I kept pursuing it.  I did know what was behind and kept at my speed to get away.  I noted on occasion I would pass a car who was heading for my past, as I was heading in his.  We all have our own speed ... some go through their journeys extremely quick, and some (like me) take their time getting through.  On occasion I would see a sign of warning. And sometimes I hadn't a clue what obstacle was ahead.  I also noted that when I passed I would get an occasional wave.  And when I entered back into the world that would take me home, I even noted that some were in their own world, almost causing me to have an accident.

Isn't that life?  We have peaks and valleys, and sometimes those peaks are easier to climb, and sometimes those valleys are long and dry.  We see others heading in the same direction we just got through.  We may caution others, but they still need to go through what we just got out of to get to their own destiny - and they have to go through at their own pace.  Sometimes we have signs of what is ahead and sometimes we don't.  Sometimes we heed the signs, and other times, we choose to ignore thinking it is for everyone else.  We get focused in our own world, that we forget there are others around us, and our errors can affect those around ... but our encouragement can affect those around too. 

So many observations on my drive.  Life IS a highway.  And God is there to orchestrate it all.

I was reminded that we are in a challenging time.  But if I keep pursuing through it, it WILL pass. I need to heed to the signs God gives me.  Receive the encouragement along the way, and understand the others that are trying to cause an accident in my life, or affect me negatively are in their own journey and need that wave of encouragement - called "grace". 

My Prayer This Morning - Just Be Held

Yes Lord, that was me fallen on bended knee, weeping,  in the corner of my workplace yesterday when I heard your voice in a song fall over me.  Yes Lord, I'm in a desperate place.  And yes, I am questioning your timing with everything.  Yes Lord,  I'm filled with fear.  And yes, I'm ashamed to admit it.

You know the place I am in - more than I understand myself.  I didn't realize how much I have put on myself.  How I have even taken your role as God.  I excuse it with an excuse of not wanting to mess up in your eyes, when the truth is - lack of trust in you has rooted in.  It's time to come clean.  And it is time to let everything go and be held by you.

Just Be Held - Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong ...

I have felt so many eyes upon me, wondering if I could even hold it together.  I have also put myself in the role with the one who has all the answers and trying to persuade my children one way.  I have put myself as the encourager for my husband, rooting him on and giving him direction.  I have put the responsibility of bread winner on me as well, knowing full well I can't do it by myself.  I feel coworkers and management watching me, wondering if I can handle the weight of responsibility.  I have been trying to please everyone instead of pleasing you.  And I still long to please my parents with my successes.  Only to find I don't have any right now, and question how my parents could be pleased with someone like me.

But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on ...

We have hit zero.  Credit is limited.  A job in Duane's future is uncertain.  We have your words, promises and presence to hold onto - but haven't seen it come into fruition.  I question if you are quick to save ...  and how it is going to hurt when we fall.

Teenagers and young adults are full of attitude.  Selfishness reigns in our home.  I wonder if our feelings and hearts even matter to the younger generation, and if they even fully understand the demands that weigh over our heads.  Messes in our home seem appropriate, as we carry so many messes in our lives.
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control ...

I'm trying hard to control our circumstances, seeing how impossible it now is.  I'm even trying hard to control my feelings - experiencing the dam breaking and everything is now coming and rushing through:  fear, shame, disappointment, lack of love, hurt ...

I am drowning .. will you save?

There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go...

I choose freedom in you.  All the pressures, demands and control I've been carrying and holding - I just can't anymore.  It is so heavy and killing me, slowly.  I am suffocating and seeing everything fall as I try and juggle it all.  I'm laying it all down and asking you to be King over me and these things.  Let you be my Father and take care of me.  You take these things, I'm going to walk away from it all - and live.

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held...

I remember that day so long ago, when you picked me up and held me as you drew me into your lap.  You pulled my head against your chest.  I was happy, warm, safe and taken care of.  I choose to run into that place again and stay there.  I am accepted and loved by you.

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place ...

You know it feels the contrary.  But I choose to trust you and believe everything is falling into place as you direct it.  I hold onto these words as your promise over me.

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held...

I let it all go.  I will let you take control of all these circumstances.  I'll let you watch them and set my eyes upon the embrace of you, as I sit on your lap.  I choose your embrace over everything.

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still...

Yes Lord, I have wondered.  I have even believed that I have brought you so much shame and disgrace that your love has left me ... and instead left me with these trials I believe I so richly deserve.  You are in the storm, but you aren't the storm - my eyes weren't seeing clearly.  Remove all the cloudiness and let me clearly see you.  I'm sorry for blaming you.

But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will...

I still struggle with understanding and comprehending your everlasting love.  I forget that no matter what I do, you'll never stop loving me.  You aren't a God of shame.  I also know we have our natural consequences - so how easy it is to believe we deserve all this stuff we have been juggling.  But I have forgotten, even though we deserve our consequences, you have died on that cross so we can rise above it all.  You are merciful, compassionate and full of love.  I have forgotten exactly what your work on the cross was all about.  Today I will look through our storm and see the cross and know I am loved.

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands...

So many tears.  You've counted each one and I trust you have even wiped each of them away.  I look forward seeing the masterpiece you are making with the ashes of our storm.  You make all things good and I know fully you'll make us good, our family good, a good place for Duane to work, and my work place good.  And in your goodness I leave my life.

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go...

I praise you Lord with my whole being, with everything I am and everything I have.  I have found you in our storm, but choose to not lose sight of you anymore.  My eyes will be fixed on you.  And as you hold me in your lap, pressing my head against your chest I hear your heartbeat and find encouragement in knowing that heartbeat is for me.  In you I regain my strength and find rest.  You are the calm in our storm, and I choose you.  And if I let go, please don't ever let go of me.  You are my peace.  You are mine and I am yours.

(The song that brought me to my knees and brought me to Jesus - once again...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ )



Jesus ... He came.

"and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.  She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy and will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you:  You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Luke 2: 7-12

I was prompted to do something a little odd this Christmas:  to pull out my old baby doll and wrap it in an old blanket ... and pretend it was Jesus. 

It was amazing of the feelings that came out.

"Oh Jesus.  I hold onto you and see you came.  So precious and tiny.  You came to a young woman, a young man who questioned and as we discover a whole world to embrace.  You came and we find there is an abundance of you to go around.  You came needing me, and me finding that I need you all the more.  You came as an ordinary baby - no different from the rest, yet we soon find that you are way different from all the rest.  You came and we ponder the greatness of you ... yet not knowing how truly great you are.  You came and we gaze into the perfection of a baby ... the rosy cheeks, the delicate lips and the quietness as you sleep - and soon we find exactly how perfect you are.  You came into the world like anyone else did, yet you hold the entitlement of a king - and even that entitlement doesn't make you like anyone else.  You came into this world with people hating you and you having to flee.  You came into this world with a plan to die so I can truly live. 

Jesus.  The story never changes.  Yet the depth of the knowledge of you does.  I look into the depth of you as a baby with the desperation of how life is today and I realize a new Christmas story.  You came in the form of a baby to be held, but soon it is you that would be holding me.  You came into this world as a baby, and this baby would grow to become my best-friend.  You came with more wisdom that I could ever imagine ... and it would be this grown woman that would come to seek this baby for its wisdom and insight.  You came with answers I continue to seek.  You came to bring love and companionship to wipe away the isolation and lack of love I once held.  You came whole and complete to one that was broken and incomplete. 

You came knowing that today I'm not ready to celebrate you as I scurry through the traditional Christmas preparations, and continue to muddle through the normal day to day trials, and doing all I can to hold the pieces of my heart together.  Yet no matter how hard I try to capture the beauty of the season, I still feel I fail  ... you still came.

You came as my children grow older and seem to not need me so much.  You came even in spite of the tension between one another in our home.

You came into our messy house ... and our messy lives.

You came as we continue to wait for a job ... and still come even as when we wonder if you are there seeing the desperation we are in.

You came as there is a scramble to collect whatever income we can ... even putting our marriage as the least priority, and time with one another is not as it once was.

You came, even though I have stated that this is the "worst Christmas" because the moments of Advent seem to be the least of importance, and I wonder if we each have lost the reason for the season. 

You came knowing time with one another, let alone with you are far and in between.  You still came knowing we have hurt one another.

You came even though we have been rejected by other family members.

You came in the middle of our health scares.

You came even though I've been at my worst with a sharp tongue, gossip off my lips, coldness in my heart and the bitterness of anger and jealousies have rooted in my heart.

In spite of it all ... you still came.

And I am so thankful.  You remain my hope and my light.  You remain the one I hold onto, and plead for you to hold onto me just the same.  You remain my faith. 

Jesus, all you did was simply come ... not only into a world that was dark - but my life that seems to be just the same.  And because you came ... I will never be the same.  Circumstances may still try and remain as they are, but because you are forever Faithful, because you are Victorious, and because you are Great, I too will rise above it all and circumstances will surrender to your coming.

Ready or not you always come.  Please come again today ... and again tomorrow." 

Be Still and KNOW

On a rare occasion we could have an overcast day ... ALL day.  If I was back in California, the would be a normal winter day.  However, we live in Colorado ... we have only a few of those days, and in the summer, not winter.  This summer we seemed to have more than normal.

Our family is just like yours.  We have our good days.  We have our bad.  We have our challenges, and our mountains to climb, just like anyone else.  And we also face our storms.  This summer my husband has been home ... everyday.  He was laid off on April 30th from the job that brought us to Colorado in the first place.  We planned on this being a temporary situation...one month off at the max.  But we are getting ready to face five months off.  He has had some interviews, only to hear a polite "sorry, we are going with another candidate".  We wonder if age is a role in all this.  We point fingers at the job he once had and start blaming the problems they have caused.  Regret comes in as he didn't finish his college degree.  Fear comes in.  Fear goes as we continue to trust in God.  Wondering what God's will is remains the daily question, for the past five months.  Bitterness comes.  Bitterness goes.  Doubt comes.  Doubt goes.  This is our storm, our mountain even.  We don't know where we are in the climb either ... are we still at the beginning and have more days like this?  Or are we somewhere in between?  Have we reached the top yet?  Are blue skies even in the forecast?

We went for a drive to get away from this mountain and storm we face each day and it was one of our overcast days.  God showed me something.

Being that we were heading in the middle of "no where", I could literally see miles and miles of clouds.  Not one break.  But yet no matter how dark the skies were, I knew it was daytime, and I even knew that somewhere behind those clouds the sun was there.  The knowing is certain.  The sun remains.  It is there. 

"Be still and know that I am God;"  continues to rattle in my brain these days.  It is the answers I hear to so many prayers.  I have questioned how to even be still.  Do I quit my job, and sit?  Or do I just simply silence my speech?  Do I just trust?  I don't know what I'm suppose to do but just "be still".  But my battle remains:  what does this look like?

Yet I see this cloudy sky. 

I know there is a sun behind the clouds.  And being that I even know the direction I'm heading and the time of day it is ... I can have a good guess as to where exactly it is.  However, being that I'm moving 75 miles per hour on an interstate, in a different time zone and even in an area I'm not completely familiar with ... I would be surprised to find out that my guess of where the sun is, is off.  But if I were to sit still, if I were to watch and see and study the days prior to this storm I would know exactly where the sun is when the storm rolled in.

And there you have it. 

"Be still and know that I am God."

Watch.  See.  Study.

And when the storms of life roll in, and the mountain climb seems too strenuous you too will know where the son is in all this.  You may not see him, but you know full well He is there and exactly where He said He'll be.
 

 

Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10

 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;

he will never eave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid;

do not be discouraged

Deuteronomy 31:8

 

Do not be afraid.

Stand firm and you will see the deliverance

the Lord will bring you today.

The Lord will fight for you;

you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:13-14