Letter from Mommy to her son and daughter

To my dear son, Elijah and my beautiful baby girl, Ruthie...

I love you two so much. I have loved you before I knew of your names, and I have loved you before I have even met you. And now that I have met you, I am even that much more excited about each of you and love you even more.

I know God is going to be doing something incredible in each of you, and is going to raise you up to be His prince and princess. God "knew you before He formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born He set you apart and appointed you as His prophet to the nations." (Jeremiah 1:5). I am excited to get a part of watching God do His thing in each of you. I am so thankful that we will get to be a part of your lives.

Mommy has had some hard days. I have missed you so. I have wondered if God was going to finish what He started. I have been angry. And I have had thoughts of giving up, but I saw your darling faces and heard your giggles and knew that wasn't God's plan for us. I have given up on hope only to find hope again. I have believed that because I have not learned what I am suppose to learn, I have to wait for you, as if God is punishing me. But then I am reminded that isn't the God we serve. I have shed many tears for you. My heart has been broken as I wait for you. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that we haven't thought of you, loved you or prayed over you. You are apart of the family, whether you are here or not.

Today I thought of what I have learned through all this. I have learned to trust God in a whole new way, and every time I think I have mastered it, I have discovered there is a whole new layer to learn. Today as I write you I know I will continue to learn how to trust God, but know all in all He has everything all under control.

I saw Elijah in a dream, and trusted God that we were to adopt Elijah. Daddy and I were considering girl's names for you, Ruthie and found that God had already named you what we had planned. We don't understand why we have had to wait, but we continue to trust and believe God's timing in all this matters. And so we wait. I believe I have learned patience and will learn more. I have learned to love people I can't hold. I have learned more of who our God is and look forward to learning more. I have embraced God's love over and over again, and know His love is what is holding the two of you.

So today I wonder as I think of you. I wonder what God has taught you. I wonder if you have sensed how He is raising you. I wonder if you have learned to trust Him. I wonder if you have felt His kisses each night, as we pray for Him to tuck you in. I wonder if you have thought of us as much as we think of you. And as I wonder, I have so much joy and excitement, because one day through the power of our God you two, your sisters, Daddy and me will one day be together...and then I wonder again. I wonder what kind of family we are going to be? Together how are we going to serve and glorify God? And then I am that much more excited...because God is putting together something great.

So tonight I send you my love. I blow you your mommy's kisses. But I know that you are in a better place than if you were home with your family...and that is because you are in our Father's hand. Sleep tight. Together we will continue to learn, continue to trust and one day we will rejoice not because we are together, but because God has completed what He has started and it will be greater than what we can even imagine.

I love you!,
Your Mommy

Wind in our Sails...

"Wind in our sails"...an expression for what keeps us going, not an expression that is heard of too much these days. And yet I heard it three times in the last week, and my spirit leaped and said "listen". Yet what, God, what am I to hear? What am I to learn? What needs to be spoken?
When I picture those words, it takes me automatically takes me to the ocean or sea, and I can picture Jesus calming the sea and those on the ship "... were terrified and asked each other 'Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him?'" (Mark 4:41) I searched through God's word that talked about the wind. And what did I find? HE.

HE creates the wind to take away things we think are important, and then find that they weren't important at all. HE created the wind to show us His power. HE determines which way the wind blows in our lives. HE shows us His presense through a gently breeze or a mighty blow. HE is behind the wind. I ponder who HE is.

One of the hardest thing I had to do when we moved from California was move away from my best-friend, who's daughter was Lindsay's best-friend and also was dealing with liver cancer. I found through the past three years, distance didn't seperate us from our love for one another. We remained close. We prayed for one another. We held on to God's promises with one another. We cried with one another. We laughed with one another. We celebrated with one another. And this past week we mourned with one another as Rachel, went home to Jesus.

And as Duane said eariler this week "the wind has been robbed from our sails". But has it? I see that the orphanage project that we have been part of posted their last story titled "Wind in our Sails". What is that? I am brought back to HE...to the Great I AM. It is HE that is in our sails, it is HE that will NEVER leave us. HE caught us off guard last week, but it is HE that remains. HE doesn't always makes sense, only because it is my human mind that can't fathom all of who HE is. But I contininue to trust in HE, for HE still remains faithful.

Rachel lived a life that showed her faith. She heard who HE was. She trusted HE with her full life. HE told me "Watch me. I am going to do great things." And HE did and continues to do so. HE let this girl live 3 years longer than diagnosed. HE proved time and time again, HE was in control - not the doctors, not their diangosis, not even Rachel's mom or dad, not even Rachel. HE had control. Rachel's favorite verse was "Go therefore and made disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit taching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20) Rachel lived her favorite verse.

My best-friend is hurting. What do I say? Nothing. Pray for her. Cry with her. Laugh with her. Grieve with her. Her words on this blog would be telling each of you to love your babies now and each day. To remind you, we think these babies are ours, but they are HE's first. HE knows them before we know of them. HE knows each hair on their head, HE knows each one by name, HE knows when He is going to call them home...and only HE knows. And with that we are to enjoy these gifts, these blessings every moment we breath. We are to be thankful to HE, who has allowed us to be part of our children's lives, and allowed us to take care of them however long HE has chosen.

I admire my friend. I appreciate how she has taught me how to lean on God in every circumstance. How HE answers every question we have. How even through the hardest challenges she, I and you can trust in HE, who will hold us. HE remains to be the wind in my friend's sails, and HE is the wind in mine.