My Abba and Me

I started a Beth Moore Bible study at church last week. We are studying the Fruits of the Spirit. Each of Beth's studies gives 5 days of homework, and of course the more you put into the homework, the more you get out of it. What I love about the study is just being in the word, because I love hearing the promises, hope and love God pours out to us.

I was doing my last day of homework today, it was a beautiful lesson titled "Abba, Father". Beth states in the homework "Abba is a term of extreme endearment expressed by a young child to his beloved father, his hero, the one who kisses his scraped knee and dries his fresh tears. Abba would be the word used only for a parent who has familiar, available, trustworthy, and comforting. Literally, it is "Daddy, my Daddy."" And just as we are called to be His child, we are to have such a relationship to be able to call God our Abba. Further in the study and through much scripture I learned how God wants to be a gift-giver. Romans 8:32 says "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (Emphasis is mine) What caught my eyes and ears today is that God wants us to call on Him and ask always. I have the mentality to not ask for all the little things because after all Jesus is the greatest gift...how can I ask for more? I closed my lesson today in awe, and once again was humbled by how much more I have to learn about the goodness of God and I prayed. I prayed and confessed how I need to come and ask Him more, to drop my pride and seek my Abba more. I knew God heard my prayer, but didn't expect to be challenged so soon after I closed my Bible.

Today we received an update from our agency. There are so many good things happening. God is moving and working through the agency. And yet my heart is full, and I couldn't help but weep. I didn't want to call Duane, I didn't want to email a friend but today I choose to crawl into my Abba's lap and cry and plea for His help. And this is what I come up with...

My Abba, it is minutes since our last conversation. And with this email it is like you are testing me - asking me "do you really mean what you say, will I come to you with everything and ask?" Oh Abba...yes! I come to you now, I'm crawling into your lap, receiving the comfort, knowing you are crying with me and I receive comfort as you stroke my back. You tell me everything is going to be OK, and somehow I know it will. But I still am sad, still confused, and still impatient. I want so bad to be in your will, and yet there are so many times I wonder if I'm even close. I want my son to be home with us, can you bring him home?

Duane and I have both heard that Elijah is going to be home soon. And I know that soon in your eyes could be even that much more in mine. We have approached your throne and have asked, pleaded and cried for you to bring Elijah home. We've asked that our aching hearts could stop hurting by you bringing our son home. And yet all the things we hear from you, aren't seen in the communication yet from the agency. We are still waiting and still wondering and I'm confused. I don't have doubt that you are God and you are able, but then perhaps I do since I'm still looking for emails throughout the day from our agency. I am suppose to be rejoicing and happy that four orphans who have received clearance are able to come home, and even rejoice with you as you bring four more families together. And yet Abba, I'm sad...even worse...jealous. I'm sorry. I want to be on the next plane headed to Liberia, I want my arms around my son, I want my son home, I want...

Yes Abba, I...I...I. When I need to be saying "You, You, You." It is You that is victorious, not me. It is You that is softening hearts in the Liberian government, it is You that is paving away to bring more children home and it is You that is the father and even mother of Elijah. It is You, Abba, it is You.

I am sorry that I don't have the patience on some days. I am sorry that I allow myself to get so confused when I hear you and then see what man is doing. Help me to remain focused on you, and believe in what you say. Help me to find patience in your word and in your presence. More than anything I need the comfort of my Abba today. I will wait, and I know too that as I wait I will see all you have promised come to be. I am sorry that I have sought man for comfort and still have remained empty of it...I am going to sit with you today, allow your comfort to fill me and give me peace. Please, Abba don't stop stroking my back, and can you wipe some of my tears away so I can clearly see you. Abba, I love you. I love you so much. I feel privileged to be able to call You, the King of Kings, my Abba, and be in your undivided presence.